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"My SIL is the only one willing to change his Depends and shower him and she only comes here once, maybe twice a week. He will soil himself and sit in it until my SIL comes to clean him. He is capable of cleaning himself up, because he has done it before, though I know it takes a lot of energy.

I pushed my SIL to get home care, so now for the last week there has been a nurse, physical therapist, occupational therapist and social worker here. The nurse comes, takes his vitals (which are always good) and then leaves."

Since the nurse, PT, OT and SW surely don't come at the same time, what do they say when he's sitting there stinking?

So many times we read how the mother doesn't want her son(s) to do personal hygiene for her, because she's so embarrassed (or they claim they are). So in this family the father is fine with his daughter changing and showering him?

If your BF is willing to let his father sit and stink up YOUR house and can't be bothered to change and shower him, that just adds another layer of disrespect for you. Does your entire house stink constantly?
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SadEmpath Jun 2023
I have told each one of them during the evaluations (because yes, it was me who was present for all of them) that he soils himself and will be in it until his daughter comes. They haven't said much about it other than the nurse saying he can get a UTI or sores, but we've already told him that.

In this family, yes, the father is ok with the daughter bathing him. She only started bathing him in the last two months because of the accidents he was having. When we told him we were getting an aide, he tried to say no and that his daughter had to do it but obviously his daughter told him she can't be coming down here all of the time.

My fiancé is also not happy about the poo situation. He really isn't. At times, the house does stink. His bedroom is directly off of my kitchen so most times my kitchen stinks. The couple of times he managed to change his own Depends, he would leave it on his bedroom floor by the door until my fiancé came home from work to put it in a bag and take it out. We did not tell him to do this. We told him to put it in the garbage in the bathroom and we will take it out. Never was quite sure why he left it on his floor.
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If FIL is as averse to NH placement as most older people are, and still has mental capacity, this is going to get sticky.

I'm guessing SIL will try to bargain before accepting full caregiving responsibility. For example: "Okay, I'll come at least once a day." That would still be a sweet deal for partner and SIL--i.e., you are still the one doing almost all of the work. (Many people who post to this forum would happily change diapers *many* times a day if the remainder of the hours in the day were their own.)

Interesting that choices seem to be between you providing care or SIL providing care. Partner cannot pursue WFH position so that he can provide care himself?
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SadEmpath - I am here to tell you that you are being taken advantage of BIG TIME by your BOYfriend and his family. I can tell that you are a person who likes to help those in need and feel bad if you can't help. That is your nature, and it is being exploited as long as you allow it. Yes, you allow it. So, take that back.

Your boyfriend is not paying half the mortgage, he's paying RENT.
Your boyfriend does not own the house. You do. Do not change that.
Your boyfriend should be the MAIN caregiver for his dad, not you.
If your boyfriend can't be the main caregiver, then he should make other arrangements with his sibling(s).
You don't have a fiance. You have a boyfriend who has all/most of the benefits, and you all/most of the responsibilities. If he wanted to marry you, he would have done that a decade ago. He is just stringing you along to be his dad's maid/servant as long as possible. When the gig is up, let's see if he still wants to be engaged.

You need to wake up and realize what is happening. You need to see yourself as the owner of your space, your time, your life. You need to see that the boyfriend is taking advantage of you. You need to get mad. You need lay down the rules and carry them out.

With a boyfriend and his dad living in your house, and his siblings using you as a maid, you'd be better off being single.
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AndSoItGoes Jun 2023
Well said.

I do wonder about the mortgage/rent thing. Depending on state law, this could perhaps be a situation of common law marriage with mingling of assets? Below is a link to a CA law firm webpage that sort of addresses the matter: https://www.sjdivorce.com/blog/2020/may/does-my-spouse-have-any-right-to-my-house-if-i-o/
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You’ve already received excellent advice to disentangle yourself from this mess. I’m truly sorry that you’ve been taken advantage of by this family for so long, sadly including your boyfriend who has allowed you to be abused in this. Please take a long, honest look at this relationship and decide if you deserve better, many here would say you do. But I realize that’s not the question you asked. For the immediate, tell the others with no apology or justifying that his man has to leave your home and give a date. If they fail to act, you’re faced with selling the home or evicting the man, again without apology. I hope you’ll soon be coming back here to share how you’ve made positive life changes for your own well being. You matter too
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I agree with Igloo; this is NOT about communicating your feelings; it's about TELLING them what you will and will not do.

No can and cannot. WILL NOT.

I will not care for your father any longer.

I will be putting the house on the market.

Practice in front of a mirror.

PS, your boyfriend doesn't "have your back" or he would have told his sisters where to get off YEARS ago.
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Short of something dramatic your BF’s family and his dad will not give a rats butt about your feelings or your beyond valid concerns on his dad health. You are still that 22 yr old insecure girl who came into their son/brothers life to live with him a decade ago. They do not care that you are educated, have a job with responsibilities, now are a homeowner and your own person. You BF does care but it sounds like he’s not big enough of a personality to change things as he hasn’t ever had to do this.so my suggestion is Do Something Dramatic. So tell them you at the upcoming family meeting that you are doing something dramatic…… that the house - which you own, have your name on the title - is going up For Sale as you & BF want or get something better floorplan to WFH and in a community that more attuned to extracurricular stuff y’all like to do. So Dad has to find someplace else and it needs to happen before Sept 1. SIL needs to do what she said she would…. that the dad moves in with her by Sept 1. It is your house so 100% an action you can tell them is going to happen and they have no say over this. Including your BF. So come September and the dad is gone. You do not put it on the market but by using this ruse…. he is gone. Put on “September” by Earth Wind & Fire and do a happiness dance. To me right now your stuck in a decade of servitude. I’m sure there is a difficult backstory on your life on why this happened. But what important is you finally have reached your tipping point in this dramarama. Good for you!! but you have to take the next steps in taking charge of the rest of your life. What’s going to happen should y’all want to have friends over and entertain? What happens if y’all have kids??? Sitting in his crap dad there with your infant and toddlers about??? That dad is never ever going to change and why should he as he and his family see you as someone who is going to do and pay what’s needed. His health is only going to get worse and more fetid. And you’ll be an exhausted. And that guilt you currently feel will still be there. Please please don’t allow this to happen to you. Also stop calling him “dad”, he is not your father. Use his first name or “your father”. Just helps with the
mental distancing you need to do.

I know this sounds harsh, but this predicament will not go away by your being nice & accommodating. They do not see what you are doing as “nice & accommodating”, they see you as a servant or as a lesser as you are not “family” is my guess. Please do not let them talk you into your paying towards your boyfriends dads care or incidentals. He needs to spend his own money for things and for any copays for health care. Once he’s spent down his $, ONLY THEN will only he be eligible for LTC Medicaid custodial care financial criteria. You paying for things only delays his eligibility.

You can do this. I bet you thought you’d never ever own your own home, Yet you have done this! You can do this & not find yourself enmeshed anymore.
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Ten years of this is too much. Time to explore other options. I really hope your partner appreciates all you do for HIS father, but sadly I think you are being exploited. You mention your house, not our house. That is very telling. It seems your partner has it all worked out at your expense — financially, physically and emotionally.
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SadEmpath, I went back and read your post a couple of times to be sure. Do you realize that the only time you mentioned your boyfriend - at all - was in the very first sentence?

This man is not YOUR father. He is not even your FIL, yet. He IS however, your boyfriend's father. And I did not see a single mention of even ONE thing he has done for his own father. You talk about his sister coming once, maybe twice a week to help out. But other than that, it sounds like the rest has been on you. Am I reading this correctly?

You bought a house - because it was designed to accommodate him.

And after 10 years, I get why you act as if you are in the position of wife/DIL. For all we know, you may be in a U.S. State that recognizes common law marriage, in which case for all intents and purposes you have every right to feel and behave as if you are. HOWEVER, to date, your boyfriend/fiancé has not seen fit to "put a ring" on it so to speak, and neither of you have made it legal - which I also realize is somewhat "going out of fashion" for a lot of people. But my point is- you literally don't have any obligation to this man.

Heck. I've been legally married to my DH for 30 years and I don't legally have any obligation to my FIL. I don't have any actual obligation - moral, ethical or otherwise to care for him. There is only a perceived obligation as family.

The vibe I'm getting here is that you are being seriously taken advantage of. If you had come here and said "We are ALL working hard to ensure that my FIL (or whatever) is taken care of at home. BF does ABC, SIL does XYZ and I do EFG. We share these tasks, we have a nurse or aide that does these tasks and we have made it work but it's getting harder to manage" - then I could see where you might feel like you were being selfish for pulling just your support and upsetting the applecart - you wouldn't be - but if everyone had agreed to contribute and you had decided to stop - I could understand why you might have some feelings about it.

What *I* would feel in your situation is anger. Anger over the fact that you have become their solution to the problem. They aren't considering other options, not really.

You say your SIL has said that he can come live with her, but she has not made any action to move forward. And she probably won't. Why would she? She can come and go as she pleases and leave the brunt of the work to you AND she gets credit being the heroic daughter in the process. She gets to keep her job, her life and not have to make any hard choices about her dad.

And don't get me started on your bf. He has it all. He gets credit for taking care of his dad and he's not even doing it!

You sound like a very kind person. You don't want to make FIL feel like a burden. And that is admirable. But he is NOT your responsibility. But as long as you are the answer to all of their problems, they will not find another solution.

SIL does not want to put FIL in a home because of the money factor and because he doesn't want to be in one. NO ONE DOES! If all of the people who didn't want to be in a home were not in one, there would be no need for SNF. And there are almost always money options for people if they can't afford it. People just don't want to spend mom and dad's money because they want to hang on to it for themselves!!

You are not heartless. You are not selfish. You are tired. And this isn't even your fight. Stop fighting theirs and make them find their own solutions!
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Dear Sad,

"I don't know what I should or shouldn't be doing".

This makes you easy prey for the grifters of the world (the sisters) who are manipulating you with Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It's called F.O.G. Look it up.

You owe your "not" FIL and his bratty kids nothing.

Please find yourself a therapist who can help you develop your ability to say "no, I can't possibly do that".
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If you haven't gotten married in the 10 years you've been living with BF, then when do you think it's going to happen? I think BF and his entire family are taking advantage of you.

BF can't change and shower his father? What does he say about all of this? Does he expect you to take care of HIS father in the house that YOU bought? You don't get any money for having BF's father there?

Please let us know at the family meeting this weekend. IF BF's sister is serious about taking her father to live with her, then this will be the time for her to set that in motion. If she doesn't, then she was never really serious about it.

They ALL benefit from what you've been doing, including BF. And YOU are left with all the work. Just curious...why did you buy the house solo? Does your BF have a spotty financial history or debt problems or what? (I'm glad the house is in your name only, as this is a strong position to be in to eventually kick this entire family out of your life.)
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He's a tenant, not an in-law. Tell your boyfriend (not fiancé) that you'll be starting eviction proceedings after the family meeting unless he's out in a week.

And for heaven's sake, do not put your boyfriend on the deed to your house, even if you do get married "someday." That is your separate property, and if you do, you make it a joint asset.

I have a feeling that one day you'll need that asset for yourself.
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“They are going to tell me that I invited him to live with us so I can not ask him to leave.”

Okay, this is fallacious logic. You invited him to live with you, but it doesn’t follow that you can’t ask him to leave. The circumstance has changed. When he moved in, he wasn’t sitting in poopy pants all day. He could look after himself. Now he needs full-time care and you aren’t qualified to provide it now or as he declines.

You are entitled to ask anyone to leave your home any time they make you uncomfortable. Selfish is a label that others put on you when they are manipulating you. I’d say these family members are “selfish” for wanting to heap this burden on you. Throw that at them and see what they say.

He needs to go to a care facility. They are mostly good places and he will have the 24/7 care he needs. Adopt that as your position and don’t budge.

Furthermore, he is not your father-in-law. He’s your boyfriend’s father. You have no obligation - you’re not even a family member. You’re entitled to take a hike and find a boyfriend who doesn’t expect you to sacrifice your life for his dad.

And where is this boyfriend, anyway? He should be changing the poopy diapers and treating the sores that are likely to result if his dad isn’t kept clean.

You deserve better.
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SadEmpath Jun 2023
you are right, they are not my in laws and we are not married but are engaged. He does agree that I shouldn’t be the one to take all of this on. He is on my side. He’s the one who scheduled this “family meeting” with his sisters this weekend. I know he will back me up. I think the reason it fell to me is because I have been able to work remotely since COVID, so I just happen to be here. And me being me, I will always do what I can to help even if I’m not asked to. I’m honestly not sure what would have happened if I went back to the office 5 days a week. A decision would’ve had to have been made much sooner than now, I know that at least. There is 10 years worth of history here. I was 22 when I moved in with them, and every time I think about all of it, everything I’ve done for him, even when his father wasn’t always the nicest to me, it just makes me sad to think anyone would think I’m being selfish in this situation but I know it’s a very real possibility. I don’t like confrontation so I’ve tried to avoid it, but I realize I can’t avoid the conversation anymore.
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Is the house your asset with your bf paying rent, or do you jointly own?
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SadEmpath Jun 2023
The house is solely owned by me, but my fiancé pays half of the mortgage with me.
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This man is not your parent OR your in law, but your boyfriends father you decided to take care of, thinking he'd get better from emphysema and COPD? Elders never get better but worse with age and disease, as you're seeing. What does your bf have to say about all of This? He knows how you feel, yet still thinks it's ok for dad to continue living there? You refer to this family as your in-laws yet I don't see where you said you've gotten married.

Being this is YOUR home, you'll need to let your bf and the rest of his family know that you're in over your head with caring for their father. It's not right to leave him sitting in his own excrement for days on end, regardless of whether he's capable of cleaning himself up or not. He isn't. Which means he needs a higher level of care than he's getting in your home. SIL can take him immediately or everyone can choose to place him in managed care.

This does not make you a bad or a selfish person. You've cared for this man for a very long time now and his current needs exceed your abilities. Period. Everyone should be able to acknowledge that and thank you for all you've done w/o finger pointing or making you feel horrible or selfish. If they can't manage a civilized transfer of their father, kick them ALL out!

You've gone above and beyond for this family and they owe you a debt of gratitude now. That the father is in need of a SNF is not your doing.

This has nothing to do with not "wanting" the man but your inability to properly care for him. Only medical professionals with proper supplies and equipment are qualified to do so at this point. But your SIL should give it a go if she thinks otherwise.

Best of luck to you.
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SadEmpath Jun 2023
Thank you so much for your reply! You are correct, they are technically not my in laws. I used those phrases just for ease of expressing my situation. My fiancé and I have been together for 12 years so that’s why I refer to them that way. My fiancé has brought this up to his sister a couple of weeks ago, and his sister got extremely angry and said “you invited him here, you can’t kick daddy out”. She also made it clear that I lived with their father, rent free, for an extended period of time though I wasn’t there to defend myself and tell her that I contributed in other ways by paying for all groceries, cooking meals every night and cleaning our home at that time. Not to mention the fact I searched for a home for over a year that would accommodate first floor living for her father because she, nor her other sister, offered to care for him. I feel as though I have definitely paid him back for his kindness in allowing me to live with them rent free at this point. Do I owe him for the rest of my life?
I knew he would never get better from his condition but I always thought when it got worse, there would be help. I don’t think I ever anticipated being the one who would be doing the daily caregiving.
What I don’t think any of them understand is how unwell he really is, though they should because I tell them all the time. He is in his pajamas every single day. He soils himself. He now urinates into a urinal container, which means he is moving even less by not walking to the bathroom. He has lost a significant amount of weight and muscle mass. Has little to no appetite and will rarely finish his meals. What if he falls when I’m not home? When I’m at work, he won’t get up to feed himself so he just won’t eat. He won’t do any of his PT or OT exercises even though I try to prompt him to do them. It’s sad. It’s heartbreaking. But mentally, he’s still competent. He just can’t do anything physically.
One of my fiancés sisters lives down the road and even she doesn’t come to help.
The other lives a little further away and will come once a week, maybe twice but only to change his Depends and clean him up. Then she’s gone.
I’m not sure even an aide will be enough to help unless it was an aide who was here daily for hours at a time to make sure he’s clean, showered, dressed and doing his exercises and working on his mobility.
My own father passed away when I was 13. I am the youngest of my siblings. My mother, thank the lord, is still in good health. I don’t even know what I should or shouldn’t be doing.
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Frankly no one there cares about your opinion. This is an inlaw. You need to make it clear that he needs placement. You tell his family that THEY need to make that clear to FIL.
If placement in care doesn't happen I am afraid you have little choice other than to leave this situation and let this gentleman's family care for him.
It's up to you. Only you can make choices for your future.

You don't look someone in the face and say "I don't WANT TO take care of you anymore". Rather you look them in the face and say "I am so sorry but I CANNOT take care of you anymore". There is a world of difference.
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SadEmpath Jun 2023
You are absolutely right, it’s not that I don’t WANT to but I CANT. The care he requires is beyond even what I can provide. You and the rest of the replies have helped me understand that this is how i need to explain it to my fiancé and his sisters. If they are still upset with me after that, then so be it.
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Welcome, Sad.

There is a world of difference between selfish and looking out for your own self-interest, like your mental and physical health, and your ability to earn a living.

Your FIL's needs have increased beyond the capability of one person. In addition, this is not your parent. And you have no decision-making abilities in this scenario.

The only thing you have any control over are your actions. You are totally within your rights to say "I can't do this anymore. I will need to give up caregiving as of July 1. You will need to make other arrangements".

FIL's money is not an inheritance. It is there to be used for his care needs. It's your SIL who is being selfish.

If she wants him to live with her, she should be paid for that
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