Still struggling to get Mom in assisted living. What should I do?

Debralee that was so affirming I cut it out and pasted it on my desk. My mom would have NEVER done for anyone what she expects. Grocery store three four times a week? That's just boredom talking. Jewel tone just reading your post brings on those feelings. I MUST COMPLY OR SHE WILL HAVE A BLOW OUT. Why oh why does that raise my blood pressure get me heart racing upset my stomach right?? I was up all night cause she was ranting on the phone about something. I didn't have the phone to my ear so I dunno what she was off about. But it physically kills my body. These people are best left to professionals.

well said Debralee - mother has done that -set herself up for failure so that that which she dreads is coming upon her

jewel - many of us here have been brought up by mentally unhealthy narcissistic parents who have groomed their kids to be servants. You cannot let the accusations and nasty things your mum says, govern your life. People like her use FOG -fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate others. You are not alone and you can take charge. That is what POA is all about. Mother accuses me all the time. You talk about wrath. Mother has Borderline Personality Disorder. I call her a rage-aholic. Anger is one way of controlling people. You need to learn how to detach. I have learned that I have to do what I think is best for her and for me. She can depend all she likes, but you don't have to do what she wants. She can get mad - what's new. That is about her, not you. Don't let that stop you from doing what you need to do. The hurt child in us still reacts to the rage. Be aware of that and tell your hurt child that she - your mum - cannot hurt you any more.

Make a plan with your husband of how to get her there. Do you need to move furniture? Simply set a day, plan what has to be done, take mum out for lunch while it is being done, then take her there. It would be good to have someone with you at lunch in case there are issues an the way to AL and also for moral support for you. Don't tell her anything other that what you need to in order to get her there. You will not get her to agree to go to AL, so there is no point in discussing it with her. You do not need her approval to do what is in her best interests, and incidentally, in your best interests. I just approved having my mother given meds in her food that she refuses to take. I know it is going against her wishes, but as the professionals point out, she is not making decisions that are in her own best interests. Same for your mum, so you have to take the parent role, as you would for your kids, and do what is best for her whether she likes it or not.

So make a plan and, yes do it., Don't let any guilt get in the way. You are being a responsible daughter.

You say it is hard. Amen to that. Reversing the role is very tough - maybe one of the toughest things we have to do in life, but what are the alternatives? You can't go on like this, can you? My heart goes out to you. Lots have faced the same thing and done it. You can do it too. When you take her in you may find you have to let calls go to voice mail as she will not be happy. This is not unusual and also it is better not to visit for a while to let her settle in.

If you don't have to move furniture, then just plan a day with your hubby within this month, and do it.

Recently I have had my mum committed to a mental hospital, certified, and fed her meds without her consent. She will be on these meds the rest of her life with it without her consent. They have their ways. It is tough, but I know it is the best that I can do for her. Big ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) and come back and let us know how difficult it is, how domineering your mum is, how hard she is on you and so on, but please do at least make a plan. BTW The sky will not fall in if you don't go to the store for her 3 x a week. She will still make these demands of you when she is in AL, You have to learn to say No to some of them, and just do what you think is reasonable. Blessings

Debralee - you are soooo right. It is sad, but kinda like tough love with children or adult children....sometimes you have to do all you can do, then let go and let them falter or learn the hard way. Parents can be demanding, and I get overwhelmed sometimes with my own mom and her expectations or my guilt trip...but I have to keep reminding myself that she is lashing out because she is scared, fearful of what lies ahead and will exercise her control until her last breath because frankly "who wants to lose control or their independence?" -- it has to be such a hard reality. Doesn't mean we have to bend over (or forward....so to speak); we can set boundaries, a plan, and consequences and that is about it and trust what comes (good or bad).

I guess life isn't "fair" in the end and, in perspective, not really a level playing field when we compare our lives to the elder and infirmed. But on the other hand, hopefully they lived a good, long life and we can't begrudge ourselves wanting to do the same -- only that we remember these times with our parents and have open, honest conversations with our family/children to not put them in this spot and that they are given permission to do the right thing -- live their lives and take charge and place us in care when the time comes.

It is sad when you have to step back and let your stubborn parent set themselves up for failure and they end up in the place they fear the most. It is so cruel when a parent demands to make their own choices, but attempts to delegate the responsibilities onto their adult chidlren because it is easier and more convenient. To me life is about being fair and willingness to compromise in choices that benefits everyone involved. Yes there will be sacrifices, but there needs to be a level playing field in compromising.

Wow this could be my story though mom doesn't live with me...but we got the same mom. Against my better judgement, I hired in home care for mom vs AL or memory care because she got so furious and punishing with me (and I retreated to my 12 yr old child self ....). She tried to let them go early, refused their assistance, ended up firing them....

My comeback was, ok mom, you won't accept assistance and I can't do it so if you can't manage yourself or accept in home care, them AL or memory care is next stop.

You should give mom the option if that is what you need. See if they will keep your deposit on next opening for 90 days or whatever; get in home help that can't be dismissed early or leave without YOUR permission and notification first. If mom balks or bitches, then move her to memory care and you have the satisfaction of saying "mom, we tried it your way, and you didn't comply, so now this is where you have to be". Let her adjust and then get your life back, including visits to mom when you can. Take the break you need first.

Thank you so much. I do know all of this is what I need to do, doing it is the hardest task. Yes, I do have POA for medical and financial. I hear about that too about how she wished that she had never given it to me because I have too much control over her. (those are her words). Even though I don't "make" her do what she should, I always let her win. She knows this. She still knows how to manipulate me as she has always done. Our whole family, including her siblings, have always walked around her feelings so we didn't get her wrath.--and I do mean wrath. I am compromising my health(mental and emotional) and my family. I am suffering inside so much wanting my "happy" self to come back. In April, 2013 I did start "pulling back" and not doing as much. She got in bad shape,quit eating, wouldn't bathe even with help, and her memory got worse-- but still wouldn't go anywhere. Hopsice was called in being we thought this was it for her. After some time with a caregiver ordered from hospice (a life saver for me) she started doing better by August/September. After that, she started telling the caregiver to go home she didn't want her there or need her. It has all started again. No full time caregiver just me. Since she let the caregiver go, I haven't went to stay to all night with her but maybe twice since December. I know if I start back, she will definitely depend on me to keep it up. I am learning her manipulation. She does call sometime while I am at work and tell me she is scared. I feel so bad, but I just tell her she is fine. Then try to bring up AL. Then she is short and gets off the phone. I go to the store for her at least two to three times a week. I barely go for myself once a week. I agree that I am enabling her. Being that she has always been overbearing, it is hard to let go of knowing "how" she is/was. I was raised to do what she said and I am having a hard time reversing the role. I have talked to the AL facility and they have given me the same advice as you. Just do it! Sounds so easy. I have called her pallative care nurse for support. She is saying the same things. It is best for her. I know this for sure. I am needing a way to "just do it". Thanks so much.

pst - I hear you. When it comes to the point that your own health is compromised you have to withdraw your help. I have been doing something similar with my mum, in terms of not enabling her mental illness. I withdrew most of my support and even contact for a while as it was too hard on me, She was in an ALF and well looked after physically so I didn't have that concern. Thankfully now the professionals are in charge. It does seem cruel in a way, but, as you say, the options are very limited, and reality is that change is needed.

Emjo, the man from the referral agency said "Pull Back" and stop enabling mom to stay at home. I know that sounds cruel, even dangerous, but when your strength is failing and other family members are vaporizing from the promises they made, there is not much else you can do.

Others on here have faced this. One idea is to talk with the people in the ALF and ask them for suggestions about how to get her in there.

Some people take their senior for a "visit" and then leave them there. Do you have POA medical and financial? I believe that is necessary to make that kind of a move. If you don't have it you need to get it set up and your mum has to be assessed as incompetent for you to take charge. That may take time. The staff then deal with any reactions and the senior usually settles down in a few weeks. One gal on here had other family members move the furniture in while she took her mum for lunch, then back to the ALF when everything was set up. She told her mum that the doctor said that she could not live alone any more. There was a fuss for a while but the mum adjusted. I don't remember the exact sequence of events but it was close that.

Some people are negative and seem to live to find things that are wrong. I know it is very hard. Your mum has Alz and it will only get worse.

Other ideas - talk to her doctor and get him to talk to her, ask the local Agency for Aging and Social Services for ideas.

You have a lot on your plate. Some people, as pst has suggested draw a line and say they cannot and will not do what they have been doing, and the senior has to find out that they cannot manage. I believe you can ask for an evaluation to see what kind of help/environment she needs -check with the agency on aging or SS about that, then they can recommend what she needs Tell them you cannot do it anymore.

Good luck!

You have to tell her straight out that you can't do this anymore. If she still refuses, walk away. Force her to realize she can't go it alone and she is a burden too great to bear. Tell her you are going to lose the downpayment, and you are all done catering to her. If you were younger it wouldn't be so bad, but let's face it, we are old now too.