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We don’t live in the same state, we have a beautiful home in Colorado and she resides here in California. Sometimes I feel guilty about being paid. But at the same time I don’t want to lose my home in Colorado.
I never understand the guilt behind accepting payment, this isn't something minor like picking up groceries or taking her to appointments, it's a disruption of your whole life. Plus if she moved to a facility or hired a live in caregiver she would have to pay for that. Paying for care as it's given can also make dealing with her estate that much simpler because there will be no wrangling with other family members about who did or didn't step up and whether or not the caregiver deserves more - more than one forum member has been promised an inheritance to cover their caregiving sacrifices that they did not get. Do visit an elder law attorney that can help you set this up legally, keeping in mind all her expenses will be scrutinized if she ever needs medicaid in the future.
It's not wrong to be paid. You are providing her care. But what may be wrong it for you to have moved both you and your husband out of your beautiful home to live in hers. What is the reason for this? Is this how you actively want to be spending your life? Or are you just their because your stepmother expects it, or because she is guilt-tripping you, or because your father guilt-tripped you into making a promise? Would it be better for you and your husband to return home, and have your stepmother pay for professional in-home care, or to sell her house and move into Assisted Living?
If you are being paid, you should (at your stepmother's expense) have a lawyer draw up a contract. California has strict laws regarding in-home care pay. You and she will also need to pay the employer and employee shares of taxes on your income from her. If she declines to the point of needing Medicaid, you'll need this contract paperwork to avoid her being penalized for gifting to you.
It's very kind of you to do this, but think about whether it's what you really want to be doing. And how about your husband? Is he enthusiastic about the arrangement, or was he reluctant?
How old is your step-Mom? How old are you? What health or cognitive issues does she have? Are you her PoA, does she have one?
Caregiving has to happen on the caregiver's terms or else burnout and/or damaging sacrifice will be imminent.
IF you really want to become a 24/7 caregiver (paid) then your step-MIL needs to move to CO to be convenient to you, and not the current arrangement. And not live in your home, either. Her desire to "age in place" may come at a cost to YOU (your marriage in particular) and I don't think you should pay it, whether or not she is paying you. It happens all the time. Your husband may be amenable to it now, but once you are chained to her care he may become resentful and then also feel guilty for feeling that way. From there it spirals downward. We read about it every week here on this forum. Don't do it.
Of course she won't like it. She had no business "assuming" you into this very unreasonable and unsustainable arrangement. She had her whole life to plan for her aging decline and needs. Being on-call 24/7 is very pricey care, and honestly she can't pay you enough to make it worth your while in any way.
Please reconsider this arrangement. No is a complete sentance. You don't have to give her any reason other than you aren't willing to do it. You aren't responsible for her happiness. Help her find another form of care or tell her the onlly other acceptable arrangement is for her to assign you as her PoA and then move to close proximity to you for you to manage her care (not do it yourself).
Getting paid is not the big issue here. Please think about this situation very carefully.
Not only should you be paid but.... What is happening to your house in Colorado? If this is going to be an extended caregiving task weigh the pros and cons of selling your home and taking up residence in California OR moving her to your home and caring for her there. As to what you should be paid. Do a few searches as to what the general cost of a 24/7..live in caregiver is. That is what you should be paid. Hopefully it will be such that you will be able to maintain your home in Colorado. As you undoubtably know caregiving does not get easier. More will be involved and more constant care will be necessary. What is the possibility that her home can be sold to help pay for her care either in your home or in a facility either in California or in Colorado. Anyway what ever the decision is the basic answer is YES you should be paid. And you should not feel "guilty" getting paid. Make sure you have a caregiving contract and that the payment is done "legally" this will document that her assets are being used to pay for her care so if EVER there is a need to apply for Medicaid any transfer of funds will not be looked as as a "gift"
I would not move a sick elder to Colorado.....Denver alone is a mile high, and even higher as you go west into the mountains. Altitude sickness is very, very real and so many folks have a terrible time adjusting here.
It is not wrong to be paid. It is a job. Please make sure you have a written care contract with your stepmom, indicating the services you are providing, and the agreed amount of compensation. You could easily charge $20- $25 per hour depending on what you are doing.
Meet with a CPA to ensure you and she are handling the money properly for tax purposes. You can have a CPA set up payroll service, which mom pays for, to ensure the right taxes are being deducted and paid.
A clear paper trail of how her money has been spent will be crucial if she needs to apply for Medicaid (Medi-Cal in California).
Have you thought about your long term plan? How long do you envision this living arrangement is going to be? What is your husband doing to earn money? Many caregivers are caring for a family member for 10 to 20 years. Are you prepared to give up your home and live with her for that long? What about your spouse? He deserves consideration. If this isn't working for him, it's not working for you.
Why didn't your husband stay behind to take care of your house? You shouldn't have to give up your lives at the risk of losing your home. I would think that there's another alternative before uprooting and moving. I wish you had put more information about your step mom and if you and your husband are retired? It's a lot to give up to become a caregiver. Twenty-four seven is a long day/ night and although you may get paid,it might be limited. Who's going to pay you? If it's step mom, you shouldn't have to worry. If you're looking at Medicare, they may find it cheaper to have her placed or have people come in to care for her. I wouldn't risk losing a beautiful home, I would find another way. This is puzzling to me, you're going to lose income by leaving?
Of course you should be paid. Slavery was abolished MANY YEARS AGO. Do not feel guilty whatsoever. 24/7 Care is very expensive otherwise.
Why would you loose your home in Colorado? Because you aren't living in it? You should be worried more about your future and marriage. The stress is incredible.
See a lawyer about getting a contract drawn up, so both of you get paid and you pay into Social Security. Don't just show up and VERBALLY AGREE to work yourself to death without a CARE CONTRACT!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Do visit an elder law attorney that can help you set this up legally, keeping in mind all her expenses will be scrutinized if she ever needs medicaid in the future.
If you are being paid, you should (at your stepmother's expense) have a lawyer draw up a contract. California has strict laws regarding in-home care pay. You and she will also need to pay the employer and employee shares of taxes on your income from her. If she declines to the point of needing Medicaid, you'll need this contract paperwork to avoid her being penalized for gifting to you.
It's very kind of you to do this, but think about whether it's what you really want to be doing. And how about your husband? Is he enthusiastic about the arrangement, or was he reluctant?
How old are you?
What health or cognitive issues does she have?
Are you her PoA, does she have one?
Caregiving has to happen on the caregiver's terms or else burnout and/or damaging sacrifice will be imminent.
IF you really want to become a 24/7 caregiver (paid) then your step-MIL needs to move to CO to be convenient to you, and not the current arrangement. And not live in your home, either. Her desire to "age in place" may come at a cost to YOU (your marriage in particular) and I don't think you should pay it, whether or not she is paying you. It happens all the time. Your husband may be amenable to it now, but once you are chained to her care he may become resentful and then also feel guilty for feeling that way. From there it spirals downward. We read about it every week here on this forum. Don't do it.
Of course she won't like it. She had no business "assuming" you into this very unreasonable and unsustainable arrangement. She had her whole life to plan for her aging decline and needs. Being on-call 24/7 is very pricey care, and honestly she can't pay you enough to make it worth your while in any way.
Please reconsider this arrangement. No is a complete sentance. You don't have to give her any reason other than you aren't willing to do it. You aren't responsible for her happiness. Help her find another form of care or tell her the onlly other acceptable arrangement is for her to assign you as her PoA and then move to close proximity to you for you to manage her care (not do it yourself).
Getting paid is not the big issue here. Please think about this situation very carefully.
What is happening to your house in Colorado?
If this is going to be an extended caregiving task weigh the pros and cons of selling your home and taking up residence in California OR moving her to your home and caring for her there.
As to what you should be paid. Do a few searches as to what the general cost of a 24/7..live in caregiver is. That is what you should be paid. Hopefully it will be such that you will be able to maintain your home in Colorado.
As you undoubtably know caregiving does not get easier. More will be involved and more constant care will be necessary. What is the possibility that her home can be sold to help pay for her care either in your home or in a facility either in California or in Colorado.
Anyway what ever the decision is the basic answer is YES you should be paid.
And you should not feel "guilty" getting paid.
Make sure you have a caregiving contract and that the payment is done "legally" this will document that her assets are being used to pay for her care so if EVER there is a need to apply for Medicaid any transfer of funds will not be looked as as a "gift"
Please make sure you have a written care contract with your stepmom, indicating the services you are providing, and the agreed amount of compensation. You could easily charge $20- $25 per hour depending on what you are doing.
Meet with a CPA to ensure you and she are handling the money properly for tax purposes. You can have a CPA set up payroll service, which mom pays for, to ensure the right taxes are being deducted and paid.
A clear paper trail of how her money has been spent will be crucial if she needs to apply for Medicaid (Medi-Cal in California).
Have you thought about your long term plan? How long do you envision this living arrangement is going to be? What is your husband doing to earn money? Many caregivers are caring for a family member for 10 to 20 years.
Are you prepared to give up your home and live with her for that long?
What about your spouse? He deserves consideration. If this isn't working for him, it's not working for you.
Slavery was abolished MANY YEARS AGO. Do not feel guilty whatsoever.
24/7 Care is very expensive otherwise.
Why would you loose your home in Colorado? Because you aren't living in it?
You should be worried more about your future and marriage. The stress is incredible.
See a lawyer about getting a contract drawn up, so both of you get paid and you pay into Social Security. Don't just show up and VERBALLY AGREE to work yourself to death without a CARE CONTRACT!
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