Teenager taking care of disabled Mom alone. Any advice?

Did you make a mistake in typing your age?

If 15 is your correct age, you are far too young for this big responsibility. You need to contact adult protective service and tell them what is going on.

No i am 15, and CPS has already contacted us and they havent really done anything as of yetand my mom would never forgive me if i ckntacted adult protective services.

Yes, and child protective services. I am with magnum on this one. You are far too young for this sort of responsibility. Is there a law in your state that children under 16 must be in school? At least that is the way I thought it was. If you dropped out, do they then consider you truant? You need to be in school. Let APS know you have every intention of finishing school, so they will have to figure out how to deal with your Mom.

Do you have any out of state relatives that would help you get back in school and provide a home for you?

Tell Mom that she does not have a choice in you returning to school. She wants you to care for her at the cost of YOUR future, or maybe she is not thinking about it that way. Have you tried having a rational, calm discussion with her. I find it hard to understand why a parent would want a teenager caring for them.

What do you think CPS is going to do?

I thought students had to stay in school until they were 18? Are you working on your GED?

Your mother sounds like she needs some serious help and you need a break. I can't really think of any other way to do that than to call adult protective services.

Why are you so afraid of your mother? She needs your help not your fear.

Your mother's refusal to accept outside help is wrong and you are getting burned out and used in the process. Do you want to stay stuck just like you are or do you want out like a normal 15 year old should be?

Maybe others have some ideas, but this is all that I can think of. Good luck!

Your poor mother. She really does it have a terrible situation to contend with. And she must be partially out of her mind, because no sane mother would let a child (let alone expect a child) to give up her current life and her future this way. I am so sorry for her. I hope she eventually recovers from this terrible disability.

But meanwhile you have to do your best to look out for your needs. You need to go to school. You need to have time to study. You need to keep up your grades so you will get into the college of your choice. You need to socialize. You need to hang out with friends. These are not luxuries that you are unreasonably asking for. These are necessities you deserve.

A home health nurse makes your mom feel uncomfortable? Tough cookies! I am sorry, but expecting you to sacrifice for her "comfort" is totally unreasonable. You did not cause her disease. None of this is your fault. I am truly sorry for your mother, but she needs to suck it up and do what she has to do to have a chance of recovering.

Contact APS. Tell them that your mother needs extensive care and that you cannot provide it. You want to see her cared for and getting well. Can they help arrange that? She should not be alone so much, but you have to go to school. If your mother will never forgive you for this, then, I'm sorry, she really isn't much of a mother, is she? But I suspect that her current un-motherly attitude is tightly tied to her disease. She probably can't help it. Forgive her. Love her. And do what is right for her and for you. Get an adult in a professional role who can help you both.

jeanne comments are right on. I hope you contact APS in the morning for your mother to take action sometime during tomorrow if possible and call CPS to tell them that you need for them to do whatever it is they are planning to do sometime tomorrow because your mother is totally out of commission as a mom due to her disability and other health problems which is not your fault, but also not your responsibility. Decide to do that now and then act on it when the APS and CPS offices open up.

Dear, you don't say what condition your mom has, but it clearly is clouding her mind in a way that should be looked into. You should not be her caregiver. She needs far more care than any single person can provide at this point. Please call APS as soon as you can and explain your situation.

I don't have anything else to add to what the others have said but I wanted to give you my support. You should not be caregiving at your age. You are obviously a very bright and mature young lady but I think an adult needs to step into this situation and decide what's best for your mom. The responsibility shouldn't be on you.

I wish you all the best.

Others have posted on here about FOG.. the Fear, Obligation and Guilt our parents subject to as caregivers. Our parents can tie us in knots and push our buttons even when we are much older than you. You need to accept the reality that you can't keep doing this. Have you considered that your mom may be better of with more professional care? Even though she is resistant, sometimes we just have to do what is best for everyone, and I think that means getting your mom into assisted living and you back to school.

This is a difficult transition for both of you. You must sit her down and talk with her; you need help so she needs to agree to have in home assistance. I don't know that CPS will come up with a solution that both of you can live with. Her doctor can order home health, there are also programs that can provide some in home assistance through Medicaid. Contact your local social service agency for info on these types of programs. There are also caregiver support groups through the Area Agency on Aging or bureau of senior services that you may be able to utilize. You need to finish high school and college if you so desire. It is great that you are taking the responsibility of caring for your mom, however it is a big responsibility and you are only 15. Sounds like you and your mom could use some counseling, it is difficult to suddenly have serious medical problems. I think counseling could help you both to set realistic goals. Good luck.

I am in night school now, back in school, and Im afraid of her hating me and never speaking to me again and she could start pushing or yelling and throwing things. She has Mononeuritis Multiplex or some call it Vascuolitis (sp?). We plan on moving closer to out of state relatives but i dont think they fully grasp what it takes to care for my mother they way i have to and it will be a while before we are able to make the move. I'm also scared of how my mother will react if I call somebody and tell them whats going on and Im also scared of where I'll end up. I feel so guilty even writing this post and the thought of ratting out on my mother puts my stomach in knots. My mom is also diagnosed bipolar and depressed just so you know.

Shelby, as a caregiver, if you are afraid of your charge, the situation has to change. Additionally, children should not be afraid of their parents. Your mother is apparently mentally ill. This an inappropriate living situation for you.

You poor thing, what your mother is expecting of you is totally unreasonable. You must contact APS and CPS as soon as possible. For one thing she is abusing you by yelling and hitting you with her walker. For God's sake you are 15!!! I agree with all of the other posts - you CANNOT sacrifice your life for hers! Someone needs to step in and be the adult here (you are a teenager, and a young one at that). Where the h*ll is your family? If the cannot, or will not help you, you must rely on agencies like CPS to protect you, and your mama has to go to either a NH (nursing home) or AL (assisted Living). At this point you need to be protected from her and you deserve a chance at life and fulfilling your dreams. Her expecting you to take care of her and be abused by her is just flat out wrong. I really don't care if she's uncomfortable with outside help or being placed somewhere where she can be taken care of. This situation is just so wrong on so many levels that I'm stunned. I can't believe her doctor or the hospital released her into your care. What are they thinking???? I'd call her doctor and explain the situation in the bluntest terms possible, including the abuse, you need help NOW. Oh my, I will pray for you, I'm almost 60 and caring for my mom was hard on me, but to be 15 and have other adults expect you to do it is just wrong. Please keep posting and let us know, this site gives great advice. Lindaz.

Shelby, I have bipolar disorder and take anti-depression medicine and a mood stabilizer and although I'm on full disability, but not disabled like your mother, I would never instill in my children the fear your mother has instilled in you.

Such fear is the fruit of emotional blackmail and abuse via fear of making the person angry or hurt, an abundant sense of obligation to overlook things that most people to not overlook and take action about and then guilt for even thinking of taking the kinds of actions you need to take for your own well being and the well being of your mother although she might get angry which it sounds like she is already. This emotional blackmail is also responsible for you feeling guilt for writing the post. You may not realize it or may not want to believe it but your mother is not functioning like a loving mother would sick or not sick. She's controlling you and emotionally blackmailing you which is a form of verbal and emotional abuse.

One thing that your really need to realize that in this situation you are the one with all of the real power and not your mother. She wants you to be afraid of the limited power that she has that can only get angry and make throw a thing or two at you but from your description earlier it does not sound like her arms are all that strong to throw all that well and her legs sound so weak that she can't chase you around the house. Nope, the fact is your mother is totally dependent upon you. She can't afford to not have you under control because then who would she be able to depend upon? No one! I hope you let it sink in that you have the power and have no real need to be afraid of your mother or of where you will end up once adults who are professional from APS are called in. People here are trying to help you, but there are things you must do to help yourself with the advice and support we are trying to provide you.,

I'm glad that you had the courage to write this post and I believe you have the courage to call APS to help, not to rat on your mom.

You have plans to move yourself and your mother out of state to some out of state relatives who don't realize how bad off your mother is? Have you told them in plain detail how totally disabled she is and what he current disposition is now? If they don't grasp the seriousness of how needy she is, that is not fair to them and the might not give you the help that you are looking for.Plus,your mother does not need more family members taking care of her. In her condition she needs professional care from adults. If you move yourself and your mother out of state, you will loose the power to have and live your own life, plus have a future.

You basically have two choices.

1. To not call and hope no one ever comes by from CPS or otherwise learns what is really going on inside your house while things get worse and worse in hopes that one day things will just get better on their own and move to another state which is only a way of running away from your problems instead of dealing with them which is not a very grown up approach to life.

2. Your other choice is to make a call to APS and tell them what is going on with your mom, and that you at 15 have the responsibilities of the entire household and your mother's care resting on your shoulders with is not sustainable.

I think everyone on this thread would agree, please make the call if not today, do it on Monday. You are not in a healthy or safe emotional, relational environment. Do something that will help and save both your mom and yourself. You may not feel like you are valuable enough to take care of yourself, but you are!

Please keep posting, keep venting and keep in touch!

Hi Shelby,
I think everyone has given you great advice and I'm so glad that you reached out to this group. I have just a few things to add to all the great ideas that were put here. Do you go to mom's doctor appointments with her? Not just to drive her but to be in the room? You might enlist help from the doctor to while your there in a safer setting. They might guide you to other resources in the area. I also wonder about the steroids that she is on. Any time my husband used to get prednisone to treat an illness, the family headed for the hills. It made him very angry and he's not normally like that. Also, is your mom medicated for the bipolar and depression? She may need an adjustment in her medication. So the other helpful thing that going into the doctor visit would do is to give you a chance to ask about the medications' effects/dosage/etc. They need to know how she is behaving at home and how it's affecting you. If mom or anyone else tells you that you are too young to go in or it's not your business, they are wrong. When all of this care was dropped in your lap, it became your business to know and have access to the doctors. Sending hugs to you.

I just wanted to add that my advice is in addition to what others have said about CPS or APS, not instead of. Either way, the docs should know what's up.

Yes I go inside with her to the doctors and they are well aware that I am her sole caretaker, CPS only contacted us after her most recent ER visit and told me to go see her if she got admitted, we havent heard since then because she was not admitted. She takes medication for her bipolar and her depression and he recently added cymbalta to help her depression medicine. My family does know she is disabled, they even came up for a few days to see us both but what i meant was they domt really grasp the difficulty of taking care of her all day, every day, they dont understand the effort and energy it takes and they dont deal with her anger. CPS knows I'm her sole provider as do several ER nurses and my moms doctors and they didnt seem to bat an eye honestly. I am seriously considering call CPS and APS on Monday, so please dont think I'm ignoring everyones advice and well wishes. I just have some reservations and this is a very confusing time for me. I know what I SHOULD do its just easier said then done, you know?

Shelby, it must be tearing you up thinking about "ratting out" your own mother. You have a history with her. You love her. She no doubt loves you to the extent that she is able. How could you betray her? It is terrible to contemplate.

This is not betrayal. This is not ratting her out to get her in trouble. It is trying to find help for her and for you.This is NOT remotely like a teenager being disgusted with his curfew and calling authorities to make trouble for his parents. This is a mature and thought-out attempt to fix a very dysfunctional situation. I hope you can understand this distinction -- and convince your conscience!

I also understand that you'd be scared where you'll wind up. If you have out-of-state relatives who are willing to help out, perhaps that is where you'll wind up. Does that seem a viable solution? With your level of maturity and level-headedness I'm pretty confident you'll make the most of where ever you wind up. And can it be much worse than the situation you are in now?

Your mother is mentally ill. Not her fault. She now has a rare condition that has disabled her. Also not her fault. Nobody here wants to see your mother punished. We all want to see this situation improved for both your sakes.

Does the night school have a counseling office you could go to to discuss this situation?

APS and CPS are pretty scary options. But you are in a very scary situation. Something must be done.

It sounds like a lot of people are failing you. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how difficult all of this must be at your age. All of this is hard enough when you're grown up and in your 40s like me. It's understandable to be nervous and confused about calling CPS or APS. And we all have times when we know what we *should* do but can't get there right away. Just remember that you are acting from a place of love, for your mother and for yourself, and ultimately it will help both of you to get more appropriate help. You have support here no matter what.

Shelby, I'm curious what State you live in that all these mandated reporters of child abuse know you're her sole caregiver and presumably know how old you are?

These are all spot on suggestions Shelby. You should not be in this position but understand your reluctance in not trying to continue to do everything in your power to some how struggle through this.
I want to add that as a child of a disable parent you can also receive an additional 50% of what your Mother is going to be receiving each month. This might help in paying any portion that you might incur for in home health care.
http://www.ssa.gov/dibplan/dfamily.htm#fmax
Look up your local Social Security office and call them Monday. Get the ball rolling sweetie they arent the quickest at starting the payments.

Sorry Shelby. This link is a better place to start then click the "limit to the amount that we can pay your family members." link at the end.
http://www.ssa.gov/dibplan/dfamily4.htm

Dear Shelby you are a very brave young woman with exceptional maturity and insight but you are still a child at 15 even if you have to behave like someone much older. You still have no legal standing at your age.
How was your mothers behaviour towards you before she became disabled with this vasculitis. Had she always controled you with guilt and manipulation?
You said you are back in school does your school have a councelling office. Can you got to see them and tell them everything you have told us. Print out this thread and show it to someone you trust, a counciler or teacher. Invite them to come home with you after school so they can see the state of the house after mom had been alone all day. Make an excuse and say something like. "Hi Mom this is Ms------she just came by to look at my art work" or any excuse you can think of and keep the visit light and brief. Re assure mom it will only take a minute then you will make her a snack or whatever. keep the visit really short and don't go outside to discuss anything leave that for when you meet at school the next day. The bottom line is that you are a child and your mother is abusing you. This is fact not guessing and there are laws against. She is very sick mentally and physically and probably can't help it but that does not alter the fact you both need help desperately. Never mind destroying your life there is a danger of driving to to want to end your own life. We can advise you all we want and the majority of us have lots of life experience and knowledge but in reality you need someone older to make sure the authorities take your situation seriously and take action. It is always easier with a friend at your side. Keep writing to us shelby it really does help to be able to write your thoughts and fears down. Mom is not going to agree to anything voluntarily so don't even try and persude her tell her. She has put you in the position of being the responsible adult in the family so you need to exercise the power she has given you. I know you are afraid I would be too but you have already shown how brave you are. This is not about whether you love her although in a way it is because you will do what has to be done because you do love her. Love and blessings to you Shelby. I have a grand daughter your age and she is equally mature but I can not imagine making her take on your responsibilities

They dont have a real counselors office at the night school but I could talk to my principal more, he knows the basics of whats going on because you have to state your reason for joining night school. I live in Illinois but see her doctors in Missouri. I have previously looked into what i can get paid for for taking care of my mother but the process is a bit more complicated as I am not 18 but Ill definetly look a bit further into it. Thank you to everyone for your words of advice, just talking about it makes me feel so much better.

Shelby, I'm glad that talking about these things is helping you feel a lot better.

It is a good idea to talk with your principal some more. However, I still suggest that in the crisis you and your mother are in that come Monday morning that you call APC and CPS! This situation at hand needs your full attention now and your energy focused to follow through on.

Not only are you not 18, but your mother cannot apply and be approved for social security disability insurance until she has been out of work for a whole year and the process takes time. Plus, she has to have worked enough years full time to be able to draw these benefits. The older a person is the more work credits are needed to qualify. I know for I am on disability.

It could take a short time of 3-5 months or it could take a couple of years for it to be approved. This is not a given in your life right now. Without your mom being on social security disability insurance, there is no applying for benefits for children of a disabled parent and that only applies if the child is under 18 and must be applied for by the disabled parent after they are awarded disability. Again, I've been there, I know, my two boys received money which was spent according to the guidelines for parents who are the representative payee for their children under 18 as outlined @
http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/resources/social-security-disability/ssdi/payments-representative-payee.htm. There is also an annual report that is required concerning this money about how it was spent and how much was put in an interest bearing account for the child's future use. the payee, the parent, cannot use the money for their own personal expenses like paying for their own home health care. Like you wrote, this process is complicated.

Right now is not the time for you to look into it. Right now, you have a crisis to respond to. That is something that you can do something about. This disability money application and award plus money for you as a child under 18 is not anything that you have or can do anything about right now.

Focus on what you have to deal with now and what you can do something about now. Veronica91 and Jeannegibbs have given you wonderful statements of support and advice. Listen to them. You are going a good job. Hang in there. I know it is tough, but there is light at the end of the tunnel and it is not an oncoming train. Keep posting and talking with us and together we will get through this crisis with you.

You are doing a good job. Sorry for the typo.

ShelbyG, I wonder if your Mom's doctors and the nurses at the ER even know your actual age.... you communicate here as someone who is more mature than that of a minor, the doctors and nurses could think you are over 18.

I'm new here but created an account to say this. PLEASE do not take on this responsibility all by yourself. My mother was diagnosed with a chronic illness when I was 5. By the time I was 15 I was driving illegally to do all the grocery shopping, taking care of my siblings and my dad as well as taking care of my mother. My dad divorced my mother and told me she was my problem to take care of, which I did for the next 30 years! I'm now 50 years old, unmarried and basically gave up my life to take care of my mother till she passed away 12 years ago. And now it's starting again as my 80 year old dad expects me to care for him as well.

Please accept what help is out there! Go to college and make a life for yourself! APS is there to help her and you will always care about her but the expectation that you were put on this earth to take care of your mother to the detriment of your own life is wrong. I really regret taking over the care of my mother at such a young age and if I could do it over again I wouldn't have. The adults around me should have stepped in to take over.

My mother was oblivious to the fact that I didn't want to give up my life to take care of her. She just assumed we were "pals" for life. I was in my 30's before I voiced my displeasure. You need to emphasize that you're looking our for BOTH your futures not just hers. You have every right to your own future!!!!

Shelby, I have a totally different practical question to raise.

How are things going financially at home with your mother not being able to work since becoming disabled last July, taking her to see the doctor, regular household monthly expenses, and any cost involved with going to night school?

I don't know how I would react if I was in your situation. I am 38 and finding it hard to take care of a family member, you being only 15 is amazing, and alarming. I agree with the other posters that you should call APS and not look back. I have come to terms with the fact that you have to do what's best for your loved one, not what they want. Your mother might be upset and angry with you, but you have to take into consideration your safety, both mental and physical. Much love and prayers go out to you and I hope you find the help you need in this difficult time.