She remarried and they moved to his hometown with no family or friends. We (3 children take turns) going to visit. Her spouse was her caregiver in MS, but not he is getting Hospice and we relocated her to CA. Everyone works and we need to place her in a home. She says she needs to go back to take care of him. She wants to go back, get her car and take care of him.
Luvmom
Ptimmie, where is your Mothers husband at? Would it be possible for her to be able to be with him when he goes? This story is heartbreaking. Perhaps with some live in help they can be together for a little while. Do the Doctors know how much longer her husband has? Also how advanced is her AD? The answers to these questions would help me to give better advise.
Although each situation is unique and I know little about yours, maybe my experience helps you in your decisions.
Once my husband developed ALZ, we sold the farm and moved from Central CA to AZ to be closer to family. The Arizona desert was alien to him and he felt threatened by it. He began to walk away from home, wanting to go back to Los Angeles, the LA of his youth and younger years. (As he progressed through ALZ, his memory of incidents and people ended somewhere in his 50s with little memory of events and people after that age). After a number of "escapes" and frequently asking to go "home", I took him to LA. The area he grew up in is now a dangerous, gang dominated area. He recognized a few places but of course most of it was very changed as were the looks of the people there. I then took him back to the farm and we stayed there for a few days. It had changed and he felt lost there, too. We then drove back to AZ and while he had seen the changes and all, a few days later, he started to walk off to go to the Los Angeles of his youth. He did not remember the recent trip.
What I'm saying is, that you can take mom to see her husband to assure her that he has the care he needs, but don't expect that your mom will be any less demanding about going back to MS after you are back home.
Yet, if her husband is still able to comprehend, it would be a great kindness if you could take your mom back to see him.
Best wishes to all of you.
Margarete
Skype is a great idea - at least to try. Then, you could monitor her reaction and see if that worsens her situation or makes her feel he's closer. Dementia has stages, so even if one approach works for awhile that may change. s
If seeing and hearing him is good for her and calming, then keep it up. If it distresses her, then you'll need to go to "therapeutic fibbing", as mentioned, and say that he'll be by as soon as he can.
Sadly, perhaps, but truthfully, since this is a later marriage, the time will come when she may forget him and start asking for her first husband!
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Carol
If she doesn't have a dementia related illness, you can let her know you're working on a plan to have them together, if that's at all possible, to at least visit with each other and try to explain exactly what's going on and why you made the decision you did (whether she likes it or not). If it's for his safety and well being and in his best interest, she may understand. I would still do what you can to take her to visit him when possible.
Hope that
Best wishes.
It sounds like you brought her to CA from Mississippi, because she needed care and he was too ill to give it to her. Unfortunately, you can't give her the care or companionship that he gave her and are presently looking to place her in a home.
You may have done the only thing that was possible, but this is a heartbreaking situation. Being separated from her husband may be more of a loss than you can appreciate. If he passed away tomorrow, would she believe you?
I don't know how long he has to live, but it might be a special gift if she could be with him in the last few weeks. If she is mentally capable of taking in the reality of his passing by physically being present, it might help her accept that he is gone. Otherwise, she may be wanting to go take care of him for years in the future.
It would be a kindness and a blessing for each of them if you, as her children, were able to do this for them.
It happens.
Sometimes, IF APPROPRIATE for both persons,
the 2 elders can share a room in a facility.
If they must be in separate rooms, then the reasons for having them in the same facility decrease in importance.
At some point, it no longer matters for them to be physically close to each other--it starts becoming a residual emotional state that the physical logistics overwhelm.
You said he is in hospice.
..that means he does not have much time left,
and intimates he is not a good candidate for sharing room with his wife
--but he MIGHT be, depending on the both of them and their needs.
We hospiced stepdad, along with Mom, in our very tiny 2nd bedroom, for 3 months til he died.
It worked for them.
But Mom was not "disabled" or in need of physical care--indeed, she preferred to be able to help her hubby with his needs.
There was no room for a hospital bed or hardly anything else but a potty chair. But it worked for them--it was actually larger than they had been living in.
A facility may or not allow her to room with him.
They would assess each of their cases, and their facility, to determine if it would work.
If that means they are far away from family, how does that work for you?
If it is OK, then might try it.
Otherwise, explane to Mom it simply will not work out.
She is likley to live longer than him and, how would she feel being far away, and family not able to visit her?
That's IF she has some ability to reason.
IF neither of them have enough rational capacity left, it might be kinder to make some plausible-sounding excuses.
You need to decide what the goals are
...keep her happy with her spouse for a couple months left, then she's alone far away?
...Or, determine that she might be happier with family to visit her, and stay where she is?
Gotta consider perspectives for all involved.
There may be cost-issues, too.
She might even be thinking that after he dies, she can return closer to home...which is not very reasonable nor rational.
I hope you find a good solution!
Cattails