They had their turn. How our situations are "unfair"

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They had their turn. How our situations are "unfair"

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I often think of how unfair this situation is. Never mind that some universal "fairness" doesn't exist. It's not as if shouting into the night "THIS ISN'T FAIR!!" is ever going to result in situations improving.

What I mean when I say "not fair" is that my parents had their time and chance to be my age already. They did what they wanted, no elders or children to take care of anymore so it was THEIR life to do as they pleased. They didn't have to wipe their parent's rear end, plead with them to bathe, deal with the rashes they got from NOT bathing, deal with their complaining, inability to do anything independently or even make their own meals. They, comparatively speaking, were carefree. They never knew this prison. They never knew the feeling of pouring your entire life into the care of someone else who is never, ever, ever going to gain abilities. Yes, they had children but children develop abilities. As long as I take care of these two it will be downhill all the way.

I resent this. I resent the hell out of it. They had their chance. They had their lives to live freely and without guilt...the same guilt heaped on me by them and my siblings. It's hard most days to not feel like some pathetic patsy who is stuck in a hell of her own making. I could easily cart them off to an assisted living place but then there's the guilt. And instilling guilt is the one talent they were masters of. Boy, could they dish it out.

Here it is, Christmas Eve, regular caregiver has the day off (all the holidays off, in fact) and I'm here begging my mother to go to the bathroom instead of having an accident in bed. And the fill in caregiver will do her best but she doesn't know this situation and doesn't know my mother has to be reminded that she needs help cleaning herself. And she refuses to let anyone help her. So what do I do? Sit and wait for her to develop sores from rashes due to uncleanliness? Does ANYBODY want their epitaph to read "Died because she refused to wipe her ass"? Well, that's where she's headed.

I don't even know if I have a question here. I'm just tired. Tired of being underappreciated, tired of having a compassionless life. All expectations and no thanks for what I do. My sibs are judgmental, full of opinions and criticism and selfish as hell. They are NO help whatsoever on any meaningful level. And they can't understand how, when asked what I want for Christmas, my answer is COVID. And I'm almost positive I'm only 50% kidding about that.

My holiday wish for everyone here is going to sound ghastly and horrible but I'm making it anyway. I hope that next year at this time, we're all free of our current miseries. If our LOs have passed, let it be painless and fast and in their sleep. If they haven't passed...well, I've got nothing here. If they haven't passed on I hope we're at least a little less miserable than this year.

We'll get through these holidays, warriors. Best to all of you :)

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Carla CB: "Unfortunately, I think that the more of us do it, the more it becomes the norm, and the more it becomes expected that adult children will sacrifice years and even decades of their lives to caring for their elderly parents. To me that's the worst of the problem - that the trend is going the wrong way. Even as it becomes commonplace for people to survive into their children's old age, and even as demographics and career goals make parent care even more of a burden that it ever was, the expectation is becoming more and more fixed in people's minds. So when the parent grows old and can't manage their "independent" lifestyle without help, it's automatically assumed that some family member somewhere will put their own life on hold for years to help the parent through the end of theirs. I'm not endorsing this practice, not at all. I'm just telling it the way I think it is."

I hadn't looked at it this way, Carla, but you are right! And hasn't it been mentioned here that one of the possible plans for handling the huge onslaught of aging Baby Boomers is to provide some kind of "support" to families? So there you go -- it's still going to be on the families!

ExhaustedOne, how did it come to be that you had to be the one who had to take on the caregiving? I'm always interested to read how that happens. Please make the choice to NOT do this any longer, as it is affecting your physical, mental, and emotional health.

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"...how did it come to be that you had to be the one who had to take on the caregiving? I'm always interested to read how that happens."

For me, it was either take it on myself or leave mom to her own devices, which were not working due to dementia. Although she was "okay" alone in her condo for a while, it wasn't going to last. Initially I tried bringing in aides, to get her used to them, for the min 1 hr/day but that didn't last 2 months (she refused to let them in.) Plan B was to find a safe place for her. I did all the prep work, making sure all documents were updated, searching for places, etc. At first, both brothers didn't see the issue (blind? deaf? nope, just clueless.) Once they did, they were okay discussing options and went to check out some places. Again, clueless, because after the first place, they had "sticker shock" at the cost! Both said, with gleams in their eyes, for that kind of money, they'd take her in! Riiiight. They couldn't even be bothered to visit her, and they were going to care for her 24/7? HAH!

While I would have been happy to share the necessary tasks with them, I got the door slammed in my face, multiple times. Fingers too. OB just bellowed at me to "Give it up" with no offer of another plan. YB told me that the facility takes care of everything. Sure they do.

So, in the interest of ensuring my mother wasn't left hanging out to dry AND ensuring everything was properly taken care of, I gave up on them and just did it myself, including the visits. No guilt or regrets for moving her into MC. She got excellent care. She was happy most of the time. She will be VERY missed by the staff (the outpouring of care and sorrow at the impending loss was very apparent from them - from bros? Hah.)

So, basically I wanted to be sure she got the best care and that everything else was managed PROPERLY. I couldn't count on those two clowns for anything... except maybe their hand out when the end arrived. If I could, I would slap their hands as I hand them their "share" of what's left.

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You took the first step in sounding off your true feelings. Now get some help - counseling.

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I hear you. :)

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I feel your pain🤗

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May God help you through this. I know a touch of what you are feeling, as due to my circumstances growing up, I felt cheated out of my teen years. I realize that is small compared to your experiences, but to an immature teen, it seemed as if the world was against you. I pray you can find yourself in more :"fair" circumstances asap,. God bless you for what you've already put up with. Please investigate alternative situations for your mom. Don't expect anyone else to understand - my dad felt I betrayed him when I put him in a nursing homer because the doctor told me if I didn't I would kill him (I didn't have the skills of an RN nor the physical equipment he needed.) Keep sharing your feelings with whiomever you can - it helps.

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I can feel your anger and totally get it. My grandmother, nor mother ever had to take care of their parents. I was like you....mad at everything. Not living any quality of life, exhausted all the time and mad at the world. My advice to you is to place your mom. There will still be much to manage, but you will have a life and your care for her won't be 24/7. Just do it. I don't know if her needs are nursing home or assisted living...doesn't matter. Don't ask your siblings for their opinion. Just tell them you are placing her and if anyone wants to step in and take on moms care, now is the time. Yes or no is all you're looking for to that question. Outside of that...nothing to discuss. Just do it.

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I love your answer - especially the part about not asking siblings. I asked mine, who never did anything, and wasted oodles of time getting no help. Instead they challenged everything despite not having seen my mother for years and me being with her 24/7. As James says, DON'T ASK!

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You need to come to terms with the fact that there are no good options!!!
imho you need to find the best care home you /they can afford and be the sweet loving daughter you used to be.
There will receive proper care activities and lots new company with 3 shifts people around the clock. You’ll visit and be there for good times.
you can’t expect your parents think this thru logically ... they’re no longer able.
you’ll have to deal with guilt like all of us but decide this was best solution for everyone.
now nobody’s doing well !
we’ve all been there !!
best luck

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I understand you. I’m taking care of my mom almost two years now. Of course I get burnt out but I stepped up and made this choice. You think you will have guilt if you found a place for her. You will have more guilt with being with her with this resentment that you have for all the complaining you’re doing. Life is not fair. But you have to start thinking in maturity form. Embrace yourself and start living and stop doing things you don’t want to do. You are in charge of your own destiny.

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My 91 year old mother thinks I, as a single woman, should give up my life and cross-country location entirely to be her free slave. I can't afford my own future, but she doesn't consider my circumstances at all.

Meanwhile my three siblings, including one sister, who are all home owners (multiple homes in two cases) with well to do children and no worries about their financial futures are not expected to do anything.

Oddly, my mother doesn't expect my sister with an 8 bedroom mansion (and children moved out), maid, groundskeepers to do anything, though she could easily take my mother in because her one home includes a separate wing that was originally designed for servants.

Ironically my mother didn't take in her own mother, though my mother was widowed at that point, owned her 4 bedroom home and had all adult children. She stuck her mother in a nursing home. But I'm not expected to have any life....

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My dad has an aide 4 hours a day- my mom the other day said what does it matter he's single and has non responsibilities. Like for myself she doesn't think that because I am single I deserve any kind of life or have anything to do - what do I need to do, why can't I help and be there at her beck and call at any moment. Being single actually you have more to do because there is no one to fall back on, no one to pick up the slack, no one to help you get through the rough days. If it wasn't for the aide I would have lost my marbles by now. Neither parent had to deal with elder care but neither thinks the burden may be too much for me to handle and they only have me, I'm exhausted and I know it's only going to get worse, at the moment everything is stable but one sick and pushing 88 the other 85 - its not an easy road ahead for me no matter which way you cut it. I manage everything at this point and they have tenants to boot.....not once do I get asked if I am managing or if I need something, if I am OK. I don't have a lot of guilt, I do have thoughts what if I had done x,y or z differently maybe I could have helped him better but that is bound to happen we are always haunted with our choices emotionally although intellectually we know they were the best we could do at the time. My mom has never been very positive about me and I do everything it's just the way it is I am used to it but it still hurts deeply.

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I hear you. You just needed to vent. No judgement.

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Wow - and just think - you very well could end up like your parents someday, God willing, and who will be there for you with such loving enthusiasm?

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What kind of god wants people to decline to a point where they can't even wipe their own hind end and can't participate in life in any way and continue to decline for decades? And what kind of parent refuses to take any sort of responsibility for their own elder care before they get to the point of needing it? There's an awful lot of blame throwing onto care givers. From what I see, few people are talking about the elephant in the room: parents who just slide into advanced age without giving any consideration to how they'll be cared for, and especially no consideration for the people who will give that care.

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Venting is one of the best ways to get it out! No judgement here. I know how you feel! Prayers help me a lot! Take it one day at a time! Don’t look ahead! You can do this!

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I often think so-called medical advancements are not all that great. So we live longer. Quality of life isn't that great and others' lives begin a journey of hell. Quite frankly, I don't want to live past my 70s if even that. Few actually enjoy quality living and many think quality living is chomping a couple dozen pills each day. Though big pharma enjoys huge profits off this charade, the reality is that simply having a beating heart and breath does not quality equate! The world has gotten increasingly complex, many people are self-absorbed and have no ability to think about the next person or they live in their own world where their mind has taken them. I've heard many elderly say they wish "it were over". They say this because they're living a dead life. Perhaps we're all headed there where we're minimized to just food tubes and waste expellers. Exhaustedone your post brings up many issues. I wish the best for you and hope that you find some peace cause what you're going through is not living, it's existing. Know it well, but wish I didn't.

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I agree 100%. I often say it’s not suicide to die a natural death. Quality over quantity. My husband had vascular dementia and my Mum now has Alzheimer’s. I so do not want this for me. If I start dying, depending on my quality of life I will allow death to happen. As a Christian it will only be a short while for me till I see our Redeemer coming so I am not concerned. I am concerned with how I treat my children now and in the future, and I do not want to burden them more than what they saw as children with their Dad.

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I hear you. You have the courage to speak up. We are human. And this is a burden. And people can be difficult. I have some help but not enough. I try and get up an hour early about 5 a m just to have a cup of coffee and some peace. Nursing homes are great if you have the money. But most people can't afford it. Hospice helps a little for me. But my husband is fierce in his will to live. So he keeps going. Ofcourse, its 24-7 you know that. You need a little time to yourself. I finally got a little more help 4 hours twice a week. Maybe I can take a walk or shop, just to be normal. Social services help also on a sliding scale. Try and keep up with friends even just e mail or phone. We all need an outlet. Eventually choices have to be made when you can no longer do the lifting,etc. I am almost there myself. Support groups are good if they don't depress you and offer some advice. I didn't find it helpful to me. Seeing people just like me sleepwalking thru life. Get help where you can. And if she has money, get power of attorney to get the help. You sound like most of us, its all pent up with guilt for the feelings and the wanting to do the right thing. What you choose is right for you. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You know your limits..You really need a break, just ask the agencies like social services, or granny nanny anything to help. Good luck, I really feel your frustration, you need a big hug!

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i know exactly how you feel/ I was caregivers to a cruel grandma and I was tricked into the situation and I had sneak away from that situation. My family did not want to help but they wanted to be judge mental, cruel and treat me like a prisoner. I felt bad when I left that my mom had to take care of her. What made me so mad about this situation is that it’s my grandmas fault that she is like that and can improve but she wants to be stubborn. What made me mad is that my family was willing to hire a caregiver when I left but not to help relieve me but they don’t have one because my grandma fired them both so my mom has to take care of her. My grandma got to travel the world but she is taking away my mom’s and the family’s last years of life and causing my mom to lose her strength by wiping her butt and do heavy work and I know she can wipe her own butt! She refuses to work to get better but she wants to slave drive everyone with all these extra chores like yard and reorganizing when taking care of her is already hard enough. I just want to yell at her what’s wrong with her because she refuses to get better and won’t work on it and says she gives up but refuses the nursing home and go to the hospital so that they can fix her but she says she gives up but she wants everyone to sacrifice their freedom to take care of her. Me and my sister was talking the other day about how it’s not fair because she brags about her travel and she got to had the freedom to travel and have all of these husbands but she is taking away this freestyle especially from my mom because she is sucking the life out of her. She refuses a caregiver and pretends that she can’t do a lot when I know for a fact that she can. We can’t put her in a nursing home because she refuses and she will be around for many years and holds my mom prisoner like she did me and they give me guilt but I had to deal with racism and hate from her that my mom did not have to deal with and it left me feeling so worthless and hate myself.

she said she is old and she should not have to worry about working out to get better and I want to yell at her so much because she is killing my mom and taking away that time my mom has and my mom is healthy but she is taking away my mothers health and freedom because she is so evil and it sucks because the law down here prevents us from doing things down here because it gives her the right to make the choices. She doesn’t have to go to the hospital is she has the mind to say no, we can’t force her in the nursing home, she has the right to fire the caregivers but it is neglect if we don’t care for her

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Arp1754, sounds like you are stuck in a tough situation! People are definitely allowed to refuse hospital care and home caregivers etc. And states have different laws about family negligence and obligation. It sounds like NOW us the time for you to really learn your local laws about Elder care. Set an appointment with an elder care attorney and pick their brain. Very often a first consultation is free. Check into local offices for Aging care (they go by different names in different areas). You have to find out the truth about exactly what "neglect" you can be accused of. Get info from reputable sources, not your friend's husband's cousin!
Best of luck to you.

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Sounds like you need you time before you crack.
You need to take care of you because mo one else will.

First thing stop overdoing about your parents.

Set back and let the Caregivers do what they're hired to do.

Uneeds your parents are mentally unstable, there is nothing you can do about their choices.

You need to get out and do things fir yourself and leave the parents with the Caregivers.

You really don't have to take a bath every day.

If you are worried about your mom not making it thru the night with her urine, let her wear a pull up diaper at night.

Just try to remember that there are more ways to do something than your way.

Your parents are adults, treat them that way.

Let your parents make their own choices and with them they'll have to accept the consequences, just like you did growing up.

Every one will be more happy including yourself. If you didn't try to run the whole show yourself.

Prayers

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"They didn't have to wipe their parent's rear end, plead with them to bathe, deal with the rashes they got from NOT bathing, deal with their complaining, inability to do anything independently or even make their own meals."

You were never made to do these things either, you chose to do them. Time to make a different choice. Off to the MC/SNF she goes. Don't let the door hit her on the way out.

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The thing is other than the issue with COVID, some states has a backwards law that takes away the freedom because they give them the right to refuse hospital to help them heal if they do no, the right to refuse nursing home but bee get in legal trouble for negligence because someone must be with her 24/7 so the law forces people to be caregivers

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Medical science is keeping people alive longer so people living to be in their 90's --is no longer unusual. Living longer with chronic and debilitating diseases. Just wait until they become 100% dependent on you and you have to constantly change diapers and even clean their poo. My mom's Alzheimer's was so bad I had to mange her bowels because if she did not go, the fourth day she would be impacted. Literally stuck in there. So I had to establish a bowel program to go every tues, Thursdays, and Sundays. So your situation will only get worst.

My suggestion is plan on assisted living or nursing home--and consider what you are going through now the "good old days".

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Medical science didn't keep my mother alive to age 97. She was relatively healthy and on her own until her early 90s. If it weren't for dementia, she could have stayed on her own. Other than the BP meds she had been taking as long as I can recall, she didn't take any other regular medications, didn't have any medical "interventions" to save her life. She just happened to live longer than most. She's not the only one. I saw multiple videos of women OVER 100 voting! Sure, someone had to drive them to the place, but otherwise THEY made the choices and voted!

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Glad you realize the reality of your situation. Might I suggest that you only feel guilty when you accept the claims by others that you are wrong and guilty.

You do not have an obligation to make your parents happy. Nobody can do that for anybody else. You can make sure your parents have a safe environment and that people/activities are in place to maintain their health and safety. As their adult child, you do not have to do all the caregiving or any of the caregiving. You just need to make sure it is completed.

If the current situation causes you so much distress, it is usually an indicator that something probably needs to change: get more help, move them into a long term care residence, get away for some respite.... whatever you need to do to get back some balance. You'll know that you have achieved a better balance when you can get 7-9 hours of sleep daily, regular meals, regular exercise, time with friends and family (other than your parents), and time doing something you enjoy.

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I too in a similar situation have learned to set boundaries and find time to do what makes me peaceful. Never will I allow mother or aunt to do without anything but I am over doing as much as I had.

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Thank you for having the courage to express what many of us are feeling. My parents were the most stubborn pair you could imagine.
Sister (2 brothers estranged) and I started 20 years ago begging them to seek financial advice, of course they refused and lived life as they wished. We even found a church friend who they could be comfortable with. No life insurance or planning for retirement at all. They sold their home in FL and moved with loser brother to SC. We begged them not to.
Sister and I finally had to move them back to be near us in their last years. Now dad passed last June after many hospitalizations, vascular dementia and a barely functioning heart because he refused to accept the procedures that could have improved his life when he was younger.
Now sister and I are stuck with demented mother who will run out of money and need either more sitter time or move to a nursing home via medicaid. She is difficult and confrontational often refusing showers and doctor's instructions. She has never been kind or nice to sister and I. Mom focuses her concern and love for her sitter, thinking she is a "friend" that is always there. Whatever I am thankful for the sitter too because I am not visiting more than a few hours a week. Mom's needs are met and for now she is in her own senior apartment.
I do her care from a distance handling communication with caregiver, meds and delivery groceries and supplies when needed.
At least we all can learn from this experience and prepare better for our senior years. Hopefully this kind of burden will not be left for our children.
Feel free to let it go and vent to us.
We GET it!
I also pray for peaceful speedy deaths for mom(84) and husband's aunt(92).

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Sounds exactly like my situation

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Girl you need a big change ASAP! Please do not feel any guilt about what you are feeling. Your parents need other arrangements. Call your local area on aging or social service agency to get their options. Wishing or waiting for them to die never really works out - you need a better plan than wishing for COVID-19! Get some counseling - it helped me greatly. But more importantly get your independence back. All my best to you!

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Please give yourself the best gift you can give and get her to a nursing home. AL will help with showering and dressing but not to the level of care that sounds like you mother needs. My mother called me a few years ago and threatened to show up at my house for me to take care of of her. She was my abuser as a child. She told me I would have to call the police if I was not going to let her in. I did my homework and asked police what should I do if she shows up. I was told there are “emergency housing” No one will be put out on the street.
Make some calls today. Tell them about your mental status and how you are feeling so they can see you need help. I always thought AL was only for the wealthy. But I found an AL that accepts my mothers SS income as her payment. She is allowed to keep $80/mo. Her 3 meals are served daily, she has a nurse and an aid in the building 24/7 if she needs help. They do all her laundry and housecleaning weekly.
I can now sleep at night and stopped having panic attacks knowing she is safe with a roof over her head. If your mom has no assets they will ask you to start Medicaide application abs she will be considered “medicaide pending” Then they (NH) will get reimbursed for their payments.

Think of how wonderful it will feel to come back home to your house and she is not there after you get her into a place to take care of her needs. And like others have stated above, they come in fresh on 8 hr shifts. You have been doing 24 hr shifts. Please, pick up the phone today. Get this ball rolling and get your life back! You deserve it! My therapist told me every moment I spend caring for my mother is time stolen from my own life that I allowed. Keep that in mind. I refer to it often.

Good luck!
Keep us posted
Some of us have been in your shoes.
Do yourself this favor today!
Pick up the phone after you read these posts.

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Great post. Pharmaceutical companies and doctors keep seniors alive and miserable for many years but yet with no plan to care for them as they become less and less independent. Seniors refuse to make any plans for their care and wait until they have an emergency expecting and demanding adult children become caregivers. Seems like the seniors should be the ones feeling guilty. Place them in assisted living and work thru the guilt. I’d rather deal with guilt then anger and resentment.

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I TOTALLY agree with you! My mom suffered a stroke and she is in a very good AL. She looks great, is clean, gets her hair done weekly, said the food is good - has activities and is making friends. She WAS doing great for 3 months and then Christmas when I went to see her she was literally the Tasmanian Devil - the name my brother dubbed her. She was on a tear, kept wanting to leave, had packed her clothes. Needless to say my Christmas and hers too was traumatic. I so realized we all did the right thing as there is no way I could have taken care of her. Actually I'm a single homeowner, still working F/T and am 60 - so no spring chicken. Did I resent the fact that I was angry because she has pretty much ruined the last 3 Christmas' with her horrible attitude, negativity, and giving me - her main caretaker that she lived with the last years - complete grief! It was a depressing Christmas and we hear from the staff she is still on a tear so medication will now be needed to calm her down. Or they will kick her out. This has been the longest freaking journey of my life. She is 94 and in GREAT physical health - so she might hang on until 100. But I'm just glad someone else - who is a professional is now dealing with her. I at least have my peaceful home back and some privacy and am slowly regaining both my mental and physical health back. I was run into the ground!

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You may just be having a bad day and venting but it sounds as if you are doing something you really don't want to do. If so don't do it. You are an adult and have a choice. There are alternatives. Get a plan B. There is lots of advice here with alternatives: take the advice and free yourself - and your parents and siblings too - into a more appropriate place.

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Best thing is to just dedicate the time you can in small intervals. Let's say you give 2 hours at a time. Do not let your siblings make you feel guilt. Siblings are good for that. Give what you can and that's it. It is true that we have one life and that you want to have a passion filled life. I do too. My mother tried and did for a very long time, to use me as her emotional care giver. I started to feel burdened but then I set boundaries with her. I was feeling emotionally abused, in a way, and just felt that I could not carry her burdens anymore. She is 83 years old and lives alone and is quite the complainer. Do you! Do what is important for you and dedicate time to take care of her in intervals so you do not feel burnt out or upset about it.

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It sounds like OP either lives with her mother or vice versa. It is much more difficult to do anything in any time interval when you live together. It is possible, sometimes, to get small breaks in there, but it's harder when under the same roof, and if dementia is at play, even more difficult. They don't understand "boundaries." Even if they can grasp the concept, it won't stick long enough to make a difference!

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Exhausted one:

You already gave the answer to your plight: you said: I am "in a hell of my own making."

That is true, you are. Now you can change things.

If your parents instilled guilt in you about their old age care, instead of planning for their own old age, as a good parent would do, then they ARE NOT GOOD PARENTS, ....thus you owe them nothing.

People should not bear children and raise them to be slaves that care for them when they are old. That is why they have an entire profession that gets paid to take care of people...young or old, who can no longer care for themselves.

Your siblings walked away and so should you. They probably saw through the guilt mongering and resent your parents just as much as you do.

If your siblings are truly laying a guilt trip on you, rather than simply walking away, then drop your parents off on their doorstep on New Years eve, and let them take care of their parent going forward. Or, they can take the responsibility of refusing to do so and installing them in a nursing home.

Either you or your siblings can and should use their social security and/or savings to install them in a nursing home. Then go off and live your own lives.

Quite honestly, I do not want my children to wipe my butt or change my diaper. I have too much pride to allow that. That is why I have planned for my old age.

IMO, everyone should.

My children will have their own lives to live, and I want them to live it to the fullest.

I had children so that I could enjoy raising human beings until self-sufficient adulthood.....not so they could be my personal handmaidens when I am old.

Anyone who had children for any other reason are selfish and self absorbed.

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I feel exactly as you do......

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CarlaB wrote:

"Overall, I agree with what you've said, but I want to respond to a couple of points. One is the idea that you can't provide proper care while being resentful. I don't know why people assume that, because I don't believe it's true. My mother was quite happy with the care I provided for her, and I was damned resentful, and she knew it too. Which leads me to my second point. Do our parents want us to be unhappy, resentful, miserable? No, of course not. But it's a trade-off they may be willing to make. My mother told me: "I know you feel trapped, and I wish you didn't feel that way." Notice she didn't say "I wish I didn't have to do this to you." Because she didn't have to, but she chose to. Reducing her expectations for the lifestyle she wanted was not an option she would consider. Trapping her daughter in a life of misery and bitterness was unfortunate, but acceptable. To her."

I was up with insomnia last night and thinking about this post! Carla you are absolutely right that for some parents, they KNOW they are being a burden, and it's a trade off they are willing to make. I even asked on this thread WHY would my mother rather be a burden to me than go to an ALF/MC?

It's crazy the amount of time I have spent feeling guilty, when in reality SHE should be the one feeling guilty.

When the day finally gets here that I am able to force my mom into care, the amount of guilt I will have will be 0.00

Thank you Carla for continuing to post here, I think you have a lot of good perspective to offer and I appreciate it!

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But some parents want to cause strife in their children’s lives. My mother intentionally lies to me. intentionally starts arguments on the phone . I’ve learned to let her continue and not engage..Thinks I will take pity and move her here to where I live across the states.
She just doesn’t have the money. stayed home never worked, money was tight. My father even suggested when I was a teenager, to use bar soap on my hair because it was cheaper. My mother did nothing for her future. I won’t give up mine... sorry didn’t mean to jump in and rant...

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I am thankful my mother never wanted to be an imposition so she went to a home. They take excellent care of her and she is actually happy for the first time in a long time. She has company. She has her medicine regularly. She has regular meals. Her only complaint is she can't eat all the food they provide. She is sleeping good because of chair exercises they do. The point is a home is not so bad. I wouldn't feel guilty even if she asked for me to take care of her and she was in a home. I know I couldn't do it. I don't have the training or mental skills to handle.

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ExhaustedOne, I'm so glad you asked this! I often feel this way but I have not able to articulate as well as you. Hugs to you and all the warriors out there.

My mom also refuses to shower nowadays. She came from India to live with me when she became very forgetful in her senior facility there. She wants blazing hot weather (not possible in the northeast now) and I'm so terrified she will get sores etc.

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They had their turn. How our situations are "unfair"

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