I've posted a couple of times before. This is an update and a plea for help.
Mom is 76 and has had MS for 50+ years. She moved away from her family 35 years ago with a man who became her caregiver. They were very secretive about her health and needs, so we never had a clear picture of how she was doing.
Her partner passed away, and mom was brought back to the area where her family lives. We acquired the house next door to mine with the intention of making this a group family effort. My brother moved in with her, stair lifts were installed (it's a 2 story house). I pay her bills, manage appointments, etc. and my brother does the hands-on caregiving. I have severe COPD, and the accompanying limitations.
My brother works a part time job mid afternoon to about 10 PM. I have a corporate job that I, thankfully, work from my home office. I work about 60 hours a week.
Mom insists on using the stair lift on her own when she knows it's unsafe to do so. Initially, she was lying about using it, but we caught her at it several times. She won't stop. She has chronic UTIs, but frankly it's hard to tell the difference between that weird behavior and her status quo.
Many, many PT/OT people have been sent packing. Same as the visiting nurse she agreed to that her doctor set up. It was supposed to be M/W/F. The nurse came on Monday and it was fine. The nurse returned on Wednesday and mom went nuts on her and ordered her out of the house. We're getting used to constantly apologizing for her.
She really shouldn't be left alone when my brother goes to work. When it's warmer out, I can go sit with her (even though she resents it and is abusive the whole time), but I can't do that in the winter because of my lungs. She refuses to allow a third party come in and sit with her.
Lately, she has been saying that she wants to "get out from under my thumb". My "thumb" being that I remind her that it's not safe to use the stair lift when she's alone or asking her what she had for dinner. She said she would like to move to an apartment or assisted living so that she "wouldn't be a burden" to us. Of course, any time she has been in rehab or when her partner would take advantage of a respite opportunity, it's been total tears the whole time: "Get me out of here", "I hate it here", "I want to go home".
She has been hospitalized three times since she came back into our lives last June, and had a couple of weeks of rehab after each hospitalization. Hated the first two. Really liked the last place, which also has a residence facility next door. Talked to her about that place. She was gung ho.
I called them last week and explained the situation. The person I spoke to consulted with the rehab staff, looked at mom's record of her recent stay and said she would likely be "level 2 care" Assisted Living (there are 2 higher levels of care above this) and lo and behold they have ONE 1 bedroom apartment that will be available after carpeting is replaced tomorrow.
Now all of a sudden, mom is totally against it. She says she doesn't want to leave her house (which she tells us literally dozens of times a week how much she hates it and that she wants an apartment). Won't let anyone come to the house to help her. She is defiant. Talks non-stop about wanting to die.
We cannot go on like this. This is killing my brother, and it's killing me. She sabotages our every attempt to keep her safe and as healthy as she can be. She lies. She tries to pit me against my brother and vice versa (but we are wise to it, and have made her aware that there are no secrets between us).
To be completely honest, she has always been a miserable person. She has never been a loving, affectionate mom. She seems hell bent on self-destruction and it appears she wants to take us with her.
I refuse. My brother refuses. This has got to stop. What options do we have? My brother has no intention of abandoning her, but he can't continue like this. Please help.
According to the advice of some in here...
1. Pray "ONLY" to Jesus
2. Remember that your mother was "there" when you were born... (whatever that means), so, therefore you and your brother are obligated to put up with her lifetime of emotional and verbal abuse, especially now that she's elderly.
3. Try to enjoy her (perhaps when she's asleep) and remember that after she's gone... if you and your brother are still alive... you can enjoy your life.
In another thread, some commented to a daughter, who is running herself ragged for her mother, that she is such a good daughter and her mother must be so apprecative. Actually... I love/can't stand my emotionally and verbally abusive mother -- look up Stockholm Syndrome -- and I've run myself to the ER on several occasions because of the stress of taking care of my mother in my home. With all of my devotion and extraordinary care of my mother, I am also told I am a "wonderful" daughter. Nope. It makes me a parentified daughter who -- at the expense of my own health and happiness-- does everything possible in hopes that "today" I was finally 'good enough' for my mother to express authentic heartfelt gratitude.
Most of the people here are incredibly wonderful, and they share wise and helpful advice (that pertains to the questioners situation) and show empathy and loving support. And to those people ... I send a huge thank you and wish you blessings...
The few others... please consider refraining from telling people who to pray to and from posting answers based on "your personal situation with a loving appreciative mother" -- when your comments and 'advice' do not apply whatsoever, nor do they help those who have been subjected to a lifetime of emotional, verbal and maybe physical abuse from their mother or father.
I say this in defense of the people here, like myself whose legacy from their parent(s) is depression, dysfunction, the burden of unwarranted guilt, anxiety and an extremely limited chance of being emotionally healthy and happy as adults. We don't need more guilt.
Tinkster... if you are still coming here, please share your situation since you posted a year ago. Would love to hear how you and your brother are coping.
D-mannose is used for preventing urinary tract infections (UTIs) and treating carbohydrate-deficient glycoprotein syndrome, an inherited metabolic disorder.
How does it work?
D-mannose might treat the deficiency caused by a genetic defect that causes abnormal breakdown and production of mannose. D-mannose might prevent certain kinds of bacteria from sticking to the walls of the urinary tract and causing infection. It is very effective in preventing them. Older women who get UTIs are often particularly hard to deal with so preventing them might be a possibility. Never take abuse as it does neither party any favors. Draw your boundaries and enforce them. You may have to either disable the chair or put an alarm on it.
Tinkster first posted 2 years ago and a lot has happened since then.
Reported
In the short term, I would disable the stair lift and tell her it broke. Bless you all.
A part of the problem is the stairs, the house configuration, and another part is your mom's unwillingness to collaborate. You are not alone. I think elderly people cannot accept that their health deteriorates, th ey depend on you and there is no way back to what they were years ago.
Since she is strong willed about her home vs assisted living, you can either isolate/lock the second floor, by adding a door, or sell that house and buy another nearby (be alert when an opportunity is available).
Working from home is not fun, and kudos for collaborating with your brother in this.
"She refuses to allow a third party come in and sit with her."
Why do we continue to cater to our parents every whim? Enough!
Hire someone immediately to look after her so you can get on with your life!
She'll whine and complain...let her! This is killing you and your brother!
And to be honest...she doesn't care.
Let that guide your decision!
I read back posts but my comment is relevant for anyone going through this.
We can not allow our parents, no matter how much we love, them to take our mental, physical, psychological, and spiritual health from us.