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Dear Pamela8, the “ayes” have it! Go do some fun things with your new friend: almost all posters agree that you deserve some happiness, and it sounds like a new friend has almost fallen in your lap, so go out and expand your horizons. Maybe your new friend will turn out to be more than a friend, but for now can you just make plans for occasional meet-ups for a meal and/or to have adventures in your area?

I see you are in Shrewsbury area. On a fine-weather day it would be fun to go visit Hills Farm Pond on Stoney Hill Road in Shrewsbury, with its associated “Secret Garden” walking area. I read a review by a local, and he first ate at a local Lebanese place called Beirut Bite, then went to the Secret Garden which is suitable for both kids and adults. The Secret Garden sounds like good fun, and the sort of place you can spend little time at, or a lot of time at, and return to to see more. Review link 

https://allanwenchung.blogspot.com/2021/04/april-3rd-2021-secret-garden-in.html

Look at these tremendous photo snaps visitors have taken in the Secret Garden, I laughed at some of the sculptures
https://www.google.com/maps/uv?pb=!1s0x89e40951a5fd692d%3A0xcb2ff7f32d0ba8c9!3m1!7e115!5sGoogle%20Search!15sCgIgAQ&hl=en&imagekey=!1e10!2sAF1QipNds6X9AB5d9vWZDEkx5hrP2TIqhCkn2zVm7u2y&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjFgafnxKX1AhUImmoFHakZC1MQ9fkHKAJ6BAgBEDY

You deserve to now choose vibrant life, not cloistered abuse. Go for it! Come back and let us know how your life is progressing, we’ll be pulling for you.
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God doesn’t expect you to remain in an abusive relationship and He never did. God loves us and wants a good life for us. Leave this abusive man behind and build a new life. Alzheimer’s has nothing to do with it. I’m sorry you stayed so long and hope you’ll move on and embrace a positive life
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WARNING: IT SOUNDS AS IF YOU ARE CONDITIONED INTO THINKING you must be on the defensive in a relationship. If you ACCEPTED ABUSE THAT MANY YEARS, you will FEEL COMFORTABLE if this new man does the same thing. It is a PATTERN of behavior you need to break. If you are SEXUALLY attracted to him, it MIGHT BE because he is also an abuser and playing his "good side" to win you over. IF SO, once he has you, he will ALSO abuse you. You WON'T RECOGNIZE the red flag warnings. I suggest A) you consult social workers in your health plan and/ or Office on Aging in your city for referrals to GET YOUR HUSBAND INTO AN ALZEIMERS HOME or another family member's home, B) GET A LAWYER and divorce him, C) GET INTO PSYCHOTHERAPY to discover the behavioral PATTERNS you have become accustomed to and FIND OUT how to PREVENT such a relationship from happening again, in a lifestyle pattern. D) If your divorce lawyer says it would not hurt you financially if you see another man while still married, then do have lunch with him. Maintain FRIENDSHIP for more than 6 months before re-marrying after your divorce, to get to know him and how he handles it when you are strong, when you want to keep your girl friends, etc. Watch for the warning signals of gas lighting and emotional/psychological abuse. Heed the warnings. Here they are: (from personal experience): From experience, here is a list of behaviors that need to draw a red flag in your mind.
Excessive control over who you see, even to stopping you.Visits, phone calls,all controlled.
Excessive negative assessment of what you do and how you do it. The eggs aren't done right, the house isn't clean enough. (as opposed to someone saying, "how can I help get this done, so such and such happens).
Blaming that escalates.It would sound like, "YOU did this and that" when you KNOW you did not. Of course, if you did,say yes, and you'll try not to next time.Encourage your person to use "I"messages,such as "when this happens, I feel...".
Unexplained absences. Or, conversely,WEIRDLY explained absences.
Upset when you become stronger, smarter, or more accomplished. (With me,it was going back to college.)
Unexplained illnesses that occur when the person is with you.
You become scared and don't know why. To this, you will be accused of paranoia.
Money starts disappearing, and you are accused of squanderingitwithoutthinking.
Unexplained bills coming to the home for items you did not buy. For me, one was a gold watch and the other was for Rat Poison.
You find yourself CONSTANTLY on the defensive. You may HEAR YOURSELF saying "I'm sorry" quite a lot. And, you feel you need to WALK ON EGGSHELLS to not"set off"your person. It has NOTHING TO DO WITH GOD. In fact, my therapist said men who are abusive DELIBERATELY choose sweet, innocent church women because they know they control them. IN FACT THEY OFTEN USE SCRIPTURE to justify the abuse, (your husband is your head, and Jesus is his head, so women obey your husbands). That is pure EVIL to keep a woman in BONDAGE that way.
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You did not actually ask the question, but you are looking for permission to to go out with this other man. What is your husband's current condition and level of functioning? Is he dependent on your physical care-taking?
Can you just go out for an evening or if your husband needs supervision, could you hire a care taker for a few hours? I suppose you would have to explain your absence, and "I'm going out for dinner with Ben," would not be well received. You might have to make the break with your husband before you could continue with a new man. Becoming aware of legal consequences is good advice.
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Invisible Jan 2022
If it's all above board, she shouldn't have any trouble telling her husband she is going to dinner with Ben. If she wants it to turn into a romance, she should let her husband go. But it seldom works out that way. Marriage vows are useless.
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Personally, I would start divorce proceedings and send him to assisted or memory care. Not your responsibility any more. The ONLY problem with that would be if it affected the relationship you might have with any kids. Also, remember, if he is getting higher amount of Social Security than you, 2 years after you divorce him, you get the amount he is getting, but he still gets his full amount. Win/ Win.
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Franklymydear Jan 2022
Social security benefits can be complicated, so call them to get information on the rules.
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I’ve read all the replies and one thing you must do is get control of the marital finances. Learn what is what with a good divorce atty. AFTER you have control, legally, in writing, call his family together and tell them what you plan to do. In the mean time have a nice date or two. But you need an atty involved. A controlling abuser probably has kept you unaware of your finances. Knowledge is Power. Good luck
PS Dale’s answer on the money. A lot depends on the stage of alz.
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Hi Pamela8,
Firstly, never accept an abusive relationship again.
Don't be afraid to allow the development of a healthy relationship with the "wonderful" man. Start by developing a strong friendship and see how it plays out.
You deserve a "night out". Take the new relationship slowly. Your situation will serve as a natural vetting of your new "friend". Be honest with yourself...
Is he supportive of your caring for a person that has Alzheimer's?
Your husband is and has been abusive. He is lucky to have someone that has tolerated him up to this point.
With that being said, I tend to think that you kind of signed up for caring for him when you took him back. Now, what kind of care should he get is part of your decisions going forward. If he is in late stages of the disease; placement in a facility might be in order.
If you remain discreet and respectful, you can hardly make a decision that God would ever condemn. You have been faithful and continue to be dutiful.
On the divorcing... I'm not sure that I would go down that path unless you truly just want to be rid of him. There are so many factors to be considered like financials, etc. Divorce can be very stressful, etc ...
Bottom line, be good to yourself. Allow your new "friendship" to develop slowly (if at all possible). Never again settle for an abusive type of relationship.
Trust that you are wise to your needs and trust your instincts when accessing the new relationship.
You need to take care of yourself. You have been a loyal partner that has endured more than anyone would ever expect. I do not believe that your life requires further sacrifice on your part.
May God bless you. May things begin to play out and get better for you.
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PatienceSD Jan 2022
Well said, Dale. Thank you.
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Do it.  Life is way too short.
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Let me ask a question. Why did you stay with a man for 42 years that you were never happy with?
I say go with the nice man who asked you out. Why not? Life is short and everyone deserves a measure of happiness at some point in their life.
Do you really in your heart of hearts believe that God will have a problem with you having a bit of joy in life? Don't be a martyr. Being married for 42 years means you're not a young woman. If you're getting a chance at romance and happiness at your time of life, you should consider it a gift from God. Not something worthy of punishment.
Put your husband with Alzheimer's (who should have been your ex-husband a long time ago) in a nursing home then go and have some happiness with whatever good years you have left. Screw anybody who has something to say. It's your life and you deserve to have some happiness.
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Invisible Jan 2022
She had a chance to end the relationship while they were separated for 5 years. Why didn't she?
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Go for it. You deserve it. You are taking care of him. He doesn't realize how lucky he is. I know what it's like to take care of a husband for a very long time who is no longer able to appreciate anything I do for him. I don't see anything wrong with maybe going to dinner or show or museums, etc. Or just having a cup of coffee together. You deserve some happiness in life. I'm sure God would understand. Take care. Hope you find what you're looking for.
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Pamela, you've received a lot of answers, which I hope you'll have some time to consider and evaluate at your leisure, and w/o pressure to make a quick decision.  I think that you realize and recognize that there has been dysfunction in your relationship with the abusive person, and you want to move forward.    I don't understand why you would feel this would be inconsistent with any religion.  

I do think you should consider spending some time with the "wonderful man", as if he is as wonderful as he seems, the experience could be uplifting, could help restore your confidence, and help you move forward past and out of the dilemma you now feel.

I also don't understand why your conscience fells you that you "can't see this nice man."   To me, that's reflective of the emotions and whatever kept you in the abusive relationship.  

You need to self validate that you're worthy of being treated respect, develop a plan and go for it.
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To thine own self be true. You have paid your dues.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2022
Amen to that.
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Sweet, sweet Pamela Go Go Go out with this wonderful man you met. The only shame/guilt you should think about is why you let your husband abuse you for so many years. See a therapist and divorce your husband! Let his family take care of him. Get past your marriage and ENJOY the rest of your life. You are NOT going against God. If you were that would mean God condones your husbands abuse and I don’t think he does. Talk to your cleric as well. Your husband was not a Godly man. He’ll go where his kind go. There is NO excuse for what he did to you. It’s time to throw him away. I’m sorry to be so animated but your husband infuriates me
may Love and light guide you to happiness.
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2022
Seriously, the only shame/guilt you should be think about is why you let you husband abuse you for so many years.

That is BS. Total victim blaming and obviously nobody ever beat the crap out of you.

This messed up attitude is what makes getting out so hard. Because people like YOU blame the abused for what a sick, cowardly, POS did to them.

A survivor of abuse doesn't have any guilt or shame for their actions. When you are in survival mode, you just survive.

You should think about your shame and guilt for saying something so ignorant and unhelpful.
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Ditch the abuser and live your life free of him. Whatever that life may be. It’s your life, your choice!
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Divorce. Date the new man. Have a happy, unabused life!! Seriously!

Edited to add: you owe this controlling abusive man nothing. Move out, move away, divorce. I would not look for help for him or AL or NH or any other care. Do NOT keep on caring for this man. TAKE care of YOU, NOW.
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If you don’t care for your own needs first, it will come back to haunt you in the future. He is undeserving of the rest of your life and not only because he has AD. He had no regard for you when he left and had an affair. How long will he survive with Alzheimer’s? Could be 10 yrs or more. It only gets worse. Did his girlfriend kick him to the curb because of his mental state and abusive behavior? In the end, you will always ask yourself why it took so long for you to choose to live YOUR life. Make moves now, get on your feet and forge ahead with YOUR LIFE. We only get one life. You are being tested. And you’re the one giving yourself the “test”.
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There's something in Pamela8's question that makes me want to write a response, not just a reply to someone else's comment. That's the 'I hope you all won't be too hard on me.' I was in a long-term relationship once (not marriage) and though I knew I had to leave, the first thing I thought of was how it was going to affect him. I wrote to a local advice columnist about this and the reply was, to paraphrase, why was I worrying about hurting HIM? Pamela8, sometimes people can be so shrouded in their situation that they believe anything negative aimed at them. By anybody (that was me, too). Don't do this to yourself, please! Also, take extra care and extra time once you are free, before getting into any relationships which may end up being entanglements rather than the good thing they look at, at the time.
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I think you already know what is right and what is wrong per your beliefs. I think you are questioning yourself because you know it is wrong to open a new door without closing an old one first. I think you want out of your abusive marriage but feel trapped because you got yourself in a real pickle by taking care of him because you felt sorry for him and was unable to say no (low self esteem). I am sure it was against your gut, but you ignored it and agreed to take care of him anyway, in hopes that things would change and that he would be nice to you even though he wasn't in the past. History winds up repeating itself if you let it! You know this new man will not make you happy unless you are already happy with yourself and healing yet you are looking at him to make you happy. You know that you are not ready to be in a new relationship without going through the steps to heal yourself, I think you know that you are in no position to be dating or taking care of anyone without first healing yourself. I think you already know the answers. I think the reason you want us to be gentle with you is because you are really harsh on yourself. No true friend would ever not tell you the truth, whether you take it harsh or not, it would still be true. Be your own best friend. Write the pros and cons, really think what your options are. Below are some suggestions:

1. Do not open the door with the new guy until you are happy with yourself first and healing from abuse otherwise the new guy could abuse you and you will take it,
2. Divorce your husband/cease any and all contact with him because you deserve better,
3. Stop caring for your ex and let his family care for him or else he becomes the state's problem. He is no longer your problem,
4. Invest in some great therapy and heal yourself before taking on any new relationship to avoid being abused any longer,
5. If you decide to still care for your ex, put your foot down and demand he is nice to you or else (fill in the blank),
6. Make a decision and stick to it. Do not waver. Be strong, be fierce! You can do it,
7. Get close to God. Let God be your guide,
8. Learn to love yourself as you love God. You are your best friend!
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Vjg6727 Jan 2022
Can you divorce someone with dementia? And “put your foot down and insist he be nice”? If he hasn’t done it in 40 years he’s not going to start now.
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Get him into a care center, NH if necessary. Its up to you to decide on divorce as it will be a factor in division of property and his charges in the NH. Nothing more you can do for him at this point. We've all come to understand that it's true..life is indeed short. The man referred to as my father was abusive and after decades of dealing with it, he died from abusing himself with alcohol. My mother passed in 2006 but I can tell you I thanked God that she had 31 years of peace and quiet after he died. I wish she had left him when we were all still together. Some people wish they had their dad..I wished even before age 10 that he would leave, just go away. Get him to a care center, decide on divorce yes or no, so you are no longer responsible for his care. He'll be fine, you'll find some peace. He literally has made his own bed.
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Your marriage has expired. Get him into a good MC facility where you can visit as much as you want. File for legal separation or divorce and start the next phase of your life with or without Mr. Wonderful.
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Hello,
I have been married also to a abuser however, mine is verbally. I would suggest if I may, to think things out clearly. You have every right to happiness. Have a date, but get to know yourself first. Therapy is essential. It will provide you a opportunity to be clear minded of your decision for yourself. Take care
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PatienceSD Jan 2022
When will you remove yourself from your verbal abuser? He’s the worst kind. If I had to choose I’d choose to be beat. Bodies heal, minds may not. 💕💕good luck
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No where in the world says " you have to put up with abuse . " Your husband had another girl friend and she probably dumped him . Why would you remain faithful if he had a girl friend ? yes go out with the wonderful man , yes put your X - husband in assisted living and yes go enjoy what ever years you have left On earth with some happiness .
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After years of being married to an abuser, the man you think is nice might very well not be! He may be a slick con man seeing easy prey.put him on the back burner, get a therapist. Get your spouse in care and make yourself a priority so you can see things clearly. Spend time with yourself to get to know who you are and what you like.
Give it at least two years before seeing someone.
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con3ill Jan 2022
Right on! From what the writer says, she sounds exhausted and vulnerable, and that's when predators are poised to strike. She should keep her distance.
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If your God did not do anything while you were being abused by your husband, why should you worry what he would think if you went out with your wonderful friend?
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ZippyZee Jan 2022
This x1000
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Don’t even let me get started!
Go out and enjoy yourself. Why are you taking care of him? You should have divorced him long ago !
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Wow…tough to decide for sure. My decision would be based on my faith. I am unmarried at this time {70 yr old}. I think if my partner/husband had Alzheimers and did not know me I would be discreet and not become a public couple with the new man but I would have a private “friendship”. Being friends is never wrong. We do not need to have sleepovers and present ourselves as a “couple” to the world. Quite honestly thats only your business. I do believe in many states you can not divorce an Alzheimers person. Good luck..
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Myownlife Jan 2022
That's bull. God wants us to take care of ourselves, not keep us in dangerous situations. The man was abusive BEFORE Alzheimers. With Alzheimers, he will continually become more abusive.
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Your life is in danger.

Leave now.
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First of all, no one on this site will judge you. However, after living in a physically and emotionally abusive marriage for 21 years, I finally got my 2 children graduated from school, then I put my big girl panties on and moved out 2 days after he hit me across the face bc he was mad….not at me, but I stood up for myself. I put our .38 in his face and told him if he ever touched me in any way ever again, I would blow his brains out. And he knew I meant it. Back then there was no 911 to call and if you asked for help, ppl would say well you must have deserved it!!!! That’s complete BS!!!! First thing I did when I moved in with my sister, is found a good therapist who helped me tremendously. I thinks that’s what you should do bc after living that many yrs with an abuser, you need to get your head on straight and figure out what’s best for you. I wish you the best and for true happiness, whether u remain single ( I chose that) or find someone else to share your life with. Liz
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polarbear Jan 2022
cherokeegrrl- Bravo!!!

I am so glad you found your strength and courage. That must have been very hard.
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You deserve some happiness. Where is the “ girlfriend”? Why are YOU taking care of him? Only YOU can decide what’s best for YOU. Being a MARTYR will not bring you happiness and quite frankly many care givers die FIRST so stop worrying. Do you think God will punish you for all the sadness you’ve already endured? That marriage was punishment enough. Hell is here on earth. Good luck 💜
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You need more help than what can be offered here.....but the fact you reached out shows you are in conflict with both your emotions and religious beliefs. Do you deserve to be happy? Absolutely. Do you feel a loving God would expect you to remain miserable for the rest of your life? Not a chance. Anyone who abuses someone (especially to the extent you've endured) does not deserve the loyalty of marriage vows. You've more than paid your dues. Time now to move on....divorce him, make arrangements for intense therapy to boost your morale and set you on firm ground to realize that the very best that life holds for you lies ahead.
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