Does anyone else have trouble mentally connecting with the person they care for?

Deb, I do for my father, but it's primarily through an annual holiday letter, cards, e-mail with their adult children, or update if there's a serious medical issue. Dad keeps in contact himself otherwise. I'm fortunate that he does that easily, and it really helps him to maintain those friendships that date all the way back to childhood, military service, and other eras.

deb, that's an easy one for me. My parents were hermits, so had no friends. There is one woman across the street that my mother called friend. The woman is on the go all the time and has her own health problems, so she has fallen by the wayside.

Wouldn't it be cool if our houses were social hubs of friends coming and going? Maybe not all the time, but sometimes would be fun.

My MIL does not have a single friend, a single hobbie, a single anything besides her kids. Most are here a few times a year and that's it. There is no talking or doing or even TV shows to discuss because all she watches is Americas funniest videos. It leaves very little to ever talk about. Oh how I wish she had friends coming and going. This brings up a whole other issue. She actually gets mad that we have friends and that we do things with other people. So any time that occurs we are even more disconnected for days after because she will be irritated about it. My husband and I are in our 40s, she is 82.

Daybyday, I don't invite anyone I know over, because my mother doesn't get dressed. She is in her pajamas all day. She prefers not to go anywhere. She usually gets upset if anyone comes by and she has to get dressed. She gets embarrassed if anyone comes by and sees her in her pajamas. I guess you could say that she just wants to be alone and comfortable. She has always been uncomfortable around others -- a bit of a social phobic -- so it is easy to understand. And my father absolutely dreaded people, so my mother never inflicted any on him except us kids.

Jessie, that is so sad. You deserved so much better all your life, than a mother who was cold. It must be so difficult to try to feel anything now, after all these years and so uncomfortable living with someone like her. Its not you, and doubtful your mother will change or ever be any different. I was lucky I guess, but my relationship with Mom is similar to yours but for different reasons. Although my mother is now a stranger to us, and she was always sort of odd, I used to be close to her and she was a warm and loving mother and we talked often and she was always there for me. Now, she hardly talks, is interested in nothing, and after I have been with her for about 1/2 hour, there is nothing more to say but uncomfortable silence (at least it is uncomfortable for me) She doesn't hear well so I have to almost shout (which is stressful), she can't comprehend most of what is said to her and won't remember it in five minutes. I end up leaving after an hour or so as there is nothing there but us to stare at one another. I feel badly for you, there are comfortable silences and uncomfortable silences. Is your mother even capable of expressing her feelings or are they buried so deeply she can't get in touch with them?

Jessie, has anyone ever investigated whether she might be autistic?

My mother was a hermit too, but her dread didn't extend to her children - she wasn't cuddly, but she could be affectionate. The dislike of your being "in her way" and her edginess with you just made me wonder, that's all. Maybe, too, there might be some useful techniques you could pick up from that world?

Jessie, I empathize with your situation. I am having a very difficult time relating to my mother. She has a long history of depression which left many emotional scars on my childhood. Now she has chronic pain and is memory impaired due to some tia's. Her daily routine is laying in bed watching TV,reading tabloids, and sleeping. She would love for me to spend all my time with her discussing the lives of celebrities or anyone in the media who had made millions. Or she will digress on subjects from her past where she was hurt or felt unloved.

I am finding it difficult to stay positive when there always seems to be a black cloud looming. I try to have compassion, but honestly...I am weary of all her suffering. Placing her in a nursing home would fill my sister and I with so much guilt and I know my mom would never forgive us.

I am in transition myself with employment, and returned to school last year to better my career skills. It has been a huge struggle. I recently turned fifty and am hungry to really live fully, but most days it feels like my life has basically ended.

I pray everyday that I will be released from this confinement.

Does anyone find that they are reliving or connecting with their own childhood hurts taking care of family? Also, I understand where all of you are coming from. I keep asking dad "do we have to talk about this" he just wants to live in the past and talk about people who i really dont want to talk about. Even though he knows this, his brain is good. We keep getting in these conversation traps. Then the rest of the day is pretty much silent. Sorry your going through this. Hope its a better day!

my3kids, caregiving can definitely open old childhood wounds. Even if it doesn't open them, it can make us aware of the scars that were left when they healed.

CM, I don't think my mother is autistic. My father was probably on the spectrum, though never diagnosed. Asperger's wasn't even heard of in his day. I suspect that my mother's childhood was not as rosy as she portrays. She talks only about the wonderful things of her childhood and marriage to my father. I think she keeps all the bad stuff buried, probably even to herself. I doubt that I will ever know any of the bad things, but I can sense that all was not well.

my3kids, it sounds like your dad resurrects old childhood memories you have tried to close the door on. Sometimes I wonder if they are trying to push buttons, talking about things they know are upsetting. Or I wonder if they find the conversations more interesting if there is a bit of conflict.

Jessie, what used to stagger me was the things they *didn't* find upsetting. The one that utterly horrified me was my mother's reminiscing about my brother as a baby and saying fondly "funny little thing" - by funny, she meant dangerously undernourished because he had pyloric stenosis and was literally starving. She even had cherished pictures of him in that state. One of my parents' friends nicknamed him Belsen Eddie - she didn't think that very funny, but more because she thought it in poor taste than saw it as a personal criticism. I'd tried spelling out to her in the past quite how close her 'funny little thing' was to death, but because he somehow survived and is still with us to tell the tale she thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill. As my daughter would put it: "what is WRONG with you???"

Many families don't have close relationships. This may be the way your mom was raised, she may not have had a close relationship with her mom. Maybe she has some mental health issues that prevents her from experiencing that closeness. My dad's family weren't close-there just wasn't that connection. My mom's family was the opposite. You do what feels right to you, you can connect with her but realize that she may not be able to return that closeness. You love family no matter how they behave, you may not be able to change her but you can change the way you behave with her. Don't give up, just keep in mind you need to do what is good for you, if one thing doesn't work try something else. Good luck.

Countrymouse, you hit the nail on the head! Although my mother was not cold we realize (now that I have a grandchild with Aspergers) that is what she has always had. It is a little easier to accept once one understands that the "quirky" behaviors are beyond their control. Now that Mom has dementia, the signs are much more obvious, but they were there all along.

Jessie I don't know how I missed this thread five whole days ago. I was spared the pain of caring for my mother. As an adult I could not bear to have her touch me. She wanted the hello and goodbye kiss and I just managed to sideswipe her cheek. All her siblings were the same and from an early age just could not bear any of these strange adults I hardly knew to embrace me. mother wanted to know everything about my life and if I inadvertantly left a letter out she would read it without asking. "Oh I saw a letter from N I thought you left it out for me to read" I have no idea what else she got into when I wasn't home and she was watching the kids. When we got married in a hurry she must have written to a friend that she thought we "had to" because the friend wrote back sympathising with her "after all you have done for her" Well that pregnancy lasted 6 years so there. all the above is background for what my husband has been diagnosed with which is "Attachment disorder" he was born early in WW11 and his parent were simply swamped so he spent many hours alone left to cry. he was fed etc and well cared for physically but not emotionally. That has resulted in him not being able to bond with others, especially with our children. It is only by my efforts that they have any connection. Interestingly when he thought he was having a stroke and went to the ER he was afraid he would not be able to talk and told one of the nurses to be sure and tell me he loved me. that meant the world to me and has sustained me through many bouts of bad behavior.
Jessie I wonder if your mother never bonded with her parents and that is why she is unable to bond with you.
As I get older it becomes harder and harder both mentally and physically to get things done and many jobs get started but sit waiting to be finished. it is not because I am not interested but literally don't have the energy or strength.
i really do enjoy being on this site and talking to all my friends. Obviosley caregivers don't want their loved ones on the same site but I wonder if something like this where people being cared for could share their own thoughts and feelings.
Maybe Jessie's mom would write " I wish Jessie would not talk so much, it is really annoying when she shouts at me. Doesn't she know I just love these old songs on Lawrence Welk. Doesn't she know I just want to sit here and watch TV and not walk that stupid dog. it's cold outside and they go too fast for me. makes me feel stupid having to use that walker where everyone can see me" Someone else would write back "I know what you mean jessie's Mom my daughter wants me to go to the senior center on chair exercise day. if i wanted to sit a and squeeze a stupid ball I could do it at home in my comfy recliner not a stupid hard plastic chair in case I pee myself. I can tell you if they make me dance with Mr garlic breath again I will more than pee myself, and the bathroom....well I won't go there because after Mrs S has been in there you can tell what she had for dinner last night. Then there is the knitting group. I don't need triple zero needles to knit a dishcloth, Anyway when I get it home my daughter tells me how much she likes then uses it to wipe that stupid dog's feet. new did have dogs in the house anyway. Give me a herd on Angus and I'm happy. How I miss the farm"
Sorry guys I got on a roll and probably not much comfort for Jessie. I feel as though I am in a kind of no man's land between youth and useless old age.
Mirror mirror on the wall am I really that old?

Terry, you could say that! - that she didn't have a close relationship with her own mother, that is. I did eventually learn not to blame my mother for how she was; in fact I often felt heartbroken for her; but the knock-on effects on her husband and children took some accepting, I can tell you. Understanding helps acceptance, of course; but it doesn't change a single event.

Veronica, you created an interesting alternative from the cared for person's aspect. It's a good reminder that it's important to consider their viewpoints too, and they may not be what we think is best for them.

I did have a few laughs at your descriptions as well, especially the Mr. Garlic Breath!

Interesting way this thread is trending. Looking back on my childhood I recognized that as I was the 2nd daughter born a year after my mom miscarried twin boys I have always felt that I was the result of my parents desire for a son. As such I was not as cherished as my older sister (1st child) or my brother who was born less than 2 years after me. Their 4th child was also a boy (heir and a spare!) who also similar feelings of disengagement and trouble connecting with our parents. Even today when we are all in our 50s and 60s 1st daughter and son are the ones our parents seem most interested in but are the ones who are seldom around. 2nd daughter and son are the ones who get the calls for help. Hmmm.

Frances, it is so interesting that you say that. I noticed that the golden children often don't have anything to do with caregiving. The others seem to be the ones who grow up to be the responsible children when it comes to elder care. I do think there is unintentional conditioning in early life that goes into it.

notice that too - so....where do we go from here? when there are no other children....

Wow, Jessiebelle...It's almost like we've lived parallel lives. My mother is distant, too...in fact, I never remember her ever saying that she loves me. She didn't encourage friendships and more or less lived a 'life of purpose'..it always seemed like there was something more important than time spent with others...such as laundry, house cleaning, yard work. My biological father left before I was born, and now that I've lived a lifetime trying to figure it all out, I am wondering if the fact that half of me came from him just made me too difficult to love. She never really wanted to answer any questions about him and the only things that she ever told me about him or his family was negative. So, I like you, am in the middle of this caregiving dilemma....how do I do I all that I have to do for her, and still maintain any 'self'....and who will I be if and when I ever come out of the other side. It's almost 11 years for me, now...she had a stroke when she was 84. She'll be 96 in less than 3 months. This whole year has been an escalating time of declining health for her. She got 'sicker' on January 30th, and we found out that she had a tumor in her colon that ended up being Stage 2 cancer. Since then, she has steadily weakened to where I eventually had to let her stay in the NH that she was admitted to for skilled nursing and rehab. Now, it seems that she is even more controlling than all the other years when I cared for her. Even though she is in a NH, I still end up spending close to 5 hours a day there..and sometimes more, because she 'finds reasons' why I can't leave. At this point, I go in the early morning and help her with breakfast...usually end up spending around 2 hours. I usually detach and go home for a few hours and end up back around 4PM, and remain there until after she has eaten her evening meal and I have cleaned her dentures for her.(She is convinced no one there can do it right!) We don't really hold conversations. I try to talk about family, events going on, she rarely responds and barely shows interest in anything that I talk about. She is more driven to give me commands.....and I, like a trained monkey, am expected to obey! Yesterday afternoon was awful....first it was 'Water!'....and I am supposed to hold the water (that was placed within her reach) for her to drink. When I attempted to sit down, she called for another blanket. She told me that when she called an aid earlier for one, that the aid turned the heater (Mamma's name for the a/c) off and walked out without giving her one. So, I got her a blanket and gently put it over her. Less than 5 minutes later, she was hot and wanted it off. I rolled it down to the foot of the bed and sat again. She then told me that I should fold it because she wasn't going to be needing it. So, I folked it and placed in on top of her chest of drawers, where it managed to slip down to the arm of my chair where I had the audacity to sit! She told me that it slipped and I should place it in a better spot. I put it back on the chest and mentioned that if it slipped again, I'd let it have the chair, where I sat once more. Within minutes, she said that she needed me to put lip balm on her..so, I got up again. And, with that done, the process started all over again with the command for 'Water!' In all honesty, it's becoming harder and harder for me to discipline myself to take that long walk down the hall to her room....but, I will continue. Just wonder if anyone else is experiencing anything like this. I am now 69 years old, and just plain tired....and in need of a life of my own while I am still able to have one! So, Jessiebelle....yes, I do have trouble connecting...and obviously, since I am her only 'child', have trouble disconnecting, too!

This is an interesting thread because it comes back to that old question "nature vs nurture" doesn't it? We see the pampered "favorite" children especially the sons, who most often turn out to be the least successful, most selfish. (Is it because Mom and Dad created a selfish spoiled adult ,or is it because they could see the weakness in the child and tried to compensate for them?) The man who can't express himself - is it because his parents never taught him to communicate feelings of love and tenderness, put him down, or were cold themselves, or was he neglected - or is it just his inherited nature? I used to think, like Dr. Spock kept saying - it was all about nurture, but after 69 years on this earth, I lean toward - "its in the genes". I know people with five children, two adopted, all raised the same, exactly. One adopted child had health and mental problems, the other is a rebel with tats and nose rings, in trouble, etc. The natural children - successful, educated, healthy families. Why do identical twins, raised apart, end up with similar occupations, hobbies, likes and dislikes? Why are siblings so different (but, you see that one resembles Dad, the other has a personality just like Aunt Martha, etc) You can change the environment, modify behavior, but you can't change the genes, can't change the way a person thinks, etc. Just speculating.............

MeowserKat, I could feel the anguish in your thread. It can feel like being in an empty box doing chores sometimes. Or like coming home to a morgue when there's no warm feelings or conversation anywhere around. It does give a lot of time for reflecting on how things got to be like they are. You said your biological father left before you were born. I wondered if you ever got to meet or know him and what he might have become after he left. I wondered if there was no love there or if his leaving had taken a big part of your mother with him. Some people take things harder than others. I know a woman who is about 80 now. Her husband cheated on her about 50 years ago. They divorced and she took him to court repeatedly, trying to destroy him from the appearance of it. Since then, she has not been able to form a relationship with a man. She gets closer, then pushes them away. Seeing her life, I wonder if the husband had hurt her that badly or if maybe she had pushed him away to another woman. We can never tell.

Isn't it strange that we can continue to feel responsible for their well-being? I don't know how much time I would spend with my mother if she went into skilled care. As long as I brought her things she wanted, I don't think she would care if I was there. In the past year she has been pulling away from everybody even more than before.

Caregiving can really bring up some very deep issues inside of us. When I wrote the first message of this thread, it made me think of Carly Simon's old song "That's the Way I've Always Heard It Should Be." It is a kind of depressing song, but thinking on the things can be enriching in a way... as long as we don't lose ourselves somehow on a long, isolated journey.

Meow - I feel for you. That is a long, long time to care for someone that there is really no relationship with. I often tell my husband that we are only at the beginning of this journey. There was a stroke and broken hip and then the dementia/ AZ. It scares me to no end that are lives will forever be filled with carrying for others and then we will be too old to have any life left that we ourselves won't need caring for!

Wow Meowserkat - I can't imagine doing this for 11 years. My mother is only 84 and I've been her maid/servant/chore fairy for 4.5 years. My mother is the bossy and demanding type too and that drives me crazy and makes me avoid spending time with her.

I don't know what I'll do if my mother lives into her nineties. I can't even contemplate the thought. It frightens me also to think that a person in a nursing home still needs a "helper" waiting in attendance on them. But my mother is the type who always wanted things done for her and I can see myself right there holding the water glass to her lips, spreading the blanket over her and folding it up again. I'm just praying it doesn't last for years on end because you can't really have a life and be doing that, and how do you maintain your spirits, and your enthusiasm for life that way?

I'm glad you found this site and we can all commiserate with each other.

CarlaCB...I just read your post and I had too smile. My mother is only 76 and I pray she will cross over before we have to put her in a nursing home. She can be very needy emotionally. I really do not feel that she would do well in a home where they do not have the time to really pay attention to you.

I am trying to find work outside the home that will bring some joy into my life. I have alot of hobbies, but very little social life. Hoping that eventually will be able to afford to have someone to come in a few days a week and keep mom company. My sister is very helpful financially, but she has a large family and works in the family business, so most of the one on one is for me.

Some days I enjoy the time with my mother, but other days I feel like I am 12yrs old again living with the moody, depressed, controlling wench that I grew up with :)

Boy Jessie your mom and mine must come from the same family... Like you, I've been hitting my head against a wall hoping my mother would even 'notice' that she had a daughter. Now that I'm older and had her move by (which became 'in') with me, I"m exhausted... It seems the more I try, the worse it gets. The rejection of a mother hurts so badly (even if they grew up where their mother didn't show any love towards them). Recently, I was sick and my mother said "now, don't pretend you are sick"... Do you ever feel like you can't be shocked by what your mother will say, but then comes another shocker?!... Lately, I tried to tell her how I feel and she just turns her back on me with her silence and walks away. I'm just about in tears tonight because I always wanted to have good memories in case she passes... Now, it seems like the nightmare of her silence will haunt me for the rest of my life... Yep... My house/home feels like a morgue now.

Depression is a terrible disease and it ought to be treated. If it isn't, its contagious. The past generation often went untreated as they had such stigma for mental illness, and it became a lifestyle instead of an illness...I don't know that it is humanly possible to live day in day out with a depressed person who has nothing to give you but bad vibes and unhappiness, and stay OK yourself. Prayers for deliverance for all of you in that situation and strength for as long as it goes on.

Here's a quote from a mom with a child with Down syndrome: lifenews/2015/06/02/mom-posts-10-things-she-hates-about-having-a-child-with-down-syndrome/ "I am 30 years old, and it took me so damn long to learn what ’empathy’ is. It is simply placing yourself in the shoes of another person, and understanding how they feel." Some parents never had that capacity for any number of reasons; feelings were not things you were allowed to have unless they were just happy but not TOO happy and always under control. Sometimes that capacity is lost along with other aspects of brain power due to dementia. But empathy is what lets us connect on a deeper level. Some of us just have to settle for the shallower levels full of getting nails done and gossip and dumb TV shows with our loved ones. I don't how much it helps to be able to realize the depressed, un-empathetic one is the one with the greater problem and the inability, that its not a reflection of your unworthiness. The parent is a powerful mirror to the child...it is not easy to overcome that negative image.

I did eventually learn that I could not ever get the kind of unconditional love or acceptance from my parents that I craved and hoped for, even until early adulthood. I finally just realized it was a Yes, We Have No Bananas situation where Mom just did not have it to give and Dad was pretty much in the role of the Good Provider and did not challenge mom in the child rearing arena...I learned only later, after he developed dementia, that he not only loved and cared in all the ways he was "allowed" to, but was proud of me and his grandkids too.

There is a hymn we sing at church now and again about the folks that have gone on before us...there is a line about meeting up in heaven, "We shall feel their acceptance, and joy of new life" and I still tend to tear up. Acceptance would have been a nice thing to have in THIS world, no? But, sometimes you just have to plant your own garden and don't let anyone yell at you for displacing a few weeds to do it.

vstefans, what you wrote made so much sense. It may be self preservation that we can't connect. If we did connect, we would be pulled down in the quicksand of depression or other mental problem that is going on. We can still feel empathy and compassion, but it is more at a distance. Almost like a professional caregiver.

Heart, I do know what you mean about your mother not acknowledging your problems or feelings. With my mother, it can be a competition. If I have something wrong, she has something wrong worse. I usually don't even tell her if I feel bad anymore. I haven't had her turn her back on me when I say the way I feel about something. She generally gets mad right away, but sometimes will let it sink in and act on it the next day. I use this to our advantage now. I'll suggest something in the evening and get a firm no from her, but then the next day she does it. I think she realizes what is a good suggestion, but she isn't going to accept it without a little fight. :)

Oh, well. People on the group now are probably tired of hearing about my complicated mother. I think that she learned to not feel too strongly -- or at least not to show it -- when she was young. Vstefans was spot on with that. Maybe our parents were ridiculed or punished if they let their feelings show, so they just hid them away.

Jessie Belle we share a mother I am sure we do. Except mine disagrees with everything I do and then tells people it was her idea that I do it. So frustrating. I have just spent about 250$ your money in getting the garden ready in order to sell the house. It wasn't easy I did most of the work myself and brought in a gardener to do the heavy and high stuff. When did I find time? Usually between 4.30 am and 6 am because after that Mother wants me. So yesterday the realtor (We call them estate agents) came to take pics and said Your garden is your selling point your daughter musthave green fingers. My mother's reply....she's useless wouldnt know a weed if she fell on it I paid a gardener to do all this because she wont do it.

I said nothing but I feel abused, cheapened and in a way even though I KNOW BEYOND ALL DOUBT that I am doing a good job I am starting to take on board the negativity of it all. I am trying to stay conscious of my thoughts because I fear that I am slipping into a deep depression here. My doctor doesn't want to prescribe unless she has to (well that's reasonable if I dont need it I dont want it). So off to the carers help training we go. Mum will be looked after while I learn new techniques to help me manage caring for her.

I have to say I went with negative eyes, but it was really good to be in a room with 5 other really intelligent carers. It was also very interesting. There were two professionals there both clinical psychologists. Their opening gambit was we want you to be able to continue caring. Well that went down like a lead balloon. Of course you do said all of us en masse. You couldnt afford the round the clock care we give could you.
We understand dementia care better than most.....oh really said this adorable very elderly man who looks after his wife. Have you ever looked after someone with dementia 24/7 for 5 years without a break? No? Then what gives you the right to assume you have even a vague clue of what we are going through? BRAVO my man

So after a stuttery grim start we got into the feelings we all have. One of the women who was running the class said I hope you dont mind but I am going to tape the class. I stood up, picked up my bag and said enjoy the class. This is supposed to be helping us and I dont trust what will happen to the recording. My experience with social workers is SO bad that from EXPERIENCE there are very few professionals I would trust

Oh you have trust issues do you? I love all 5 of my compadres. The comments came flying

What do you expect? we get nothing from you and have to beg to get respite and have to pay for it (In UK the whole point of National Insurance was that you would be taken care of from cradle to grave its a 1948 thing that everyone believed)

You have earned more in the hour youve been stood here than we get all week and presume that you know about what we go through and we know all our journeys are different - you dont have a clue madam

If the government spent the 173 million pounds on the carers that do the care they would each get an additional 2k a year which would at least go some way to making them feel as though they had some worth

Trust is a two way street and if you want to tape us then you should have informed us well in advance I for one stand with this lady (me) and stood up

At this point 4 of us walked out to go collect our respectives. Now this is going to be problematic because they cant run a class with two people, especially if 4 are so angry that letters are likely to be written so they agreed not to tape the classes.

Well we spent 2 hours in total being told that it is not the person it is the disease we should hate - No? Really?!!! I said this is a massive assumption on your part that a) we dont know that and b) that our respective is a sweety. You haveheard what we said our resective are not sweet they never were and the dementia has emphasised all their bad traits too, almost unleashed them.

Anyway after 2 hours I went back to collect Mum...she is now soaked and I had to change her before we could go home. I got her on to the loo and rushed out to see the Psychs who were just leaving. I gave them a full on blasting for NOT arranging CARE then told them they had better up their game or I would not be back.

Still waiting to hear... I will keep you posted. Next week ...what is dementia? Well that will be interesting!!!! NOT

Jude, my heart goes out to you. There is a special place in heaven for you. To me, you have summarized the agony of being a caregiver better than I have ever heard. Living in the UK is really not that much different than here. The government promises help, but almost all the tax money is wasted and so much goes to able bodied people and non-citizens who don't contribute. Very little goes to care for those who spent their lives contributing when they are too old and sick to care for themselves. If you don't have money for assisted living (very expensive) you end up a burden on your children, just like in the UK. And then social workers try to twist your brain (when you are either a senior yourself or almost there) into thinking you can deal with it - deal with a person that, in AL or memory care would have a staff (which changes every 8 hours so they can walk away) A staff that is needed to deal with the same problems you handle alone 24/7. My sister and I are fortunate because 100 year old Mom is in AL (enough money from stepfather, thank God) because neither of us is healthy enough to take her on full time. I try not to think about what is going to happen to me, with osteoporosis, seriously bad back, vertigo - at 69, what will I be at 79 and who will take care of me? Not enough money for a nice AL, my husband is 8 years older than I am, one daughter might be moving to UK (she might want to re-think that!) and the other will have to work until she is 79 because she has no savings. Getting old is so frightening and the future is so scary.

As I read these comments, I find a little bit of the situation with my mom and myself. This morning I am intrigued by two things: One is the distant relationship one has with the person they care for. Hard to connect with one whose scope of things has diminished so greatly. Hard to converse about things that are brought up daily (I call it a hamster wheel) and feel like even responding---same people, same situations, same bodily aches and pains. If you try to bring up a thoughtful subject you get very superficial responses (if any). Mine always brings a weather response like, "Another beautiful day" or "Have you heard a weather report"? You start to avoid communications at all cause they are fruitless.
The other thing I recognize (at least in myself) is the lack of desire to have my mother show affection toward me. I don't feel close to her at all. In my case, since I am sole live-in caregiver, I am subject to alot of negative behavior toward me. She can absolutely say nasty things about me to my face and loudly behind my back but then she turns and tries to say how much she's 'grateful for me'. It's a kind of emotional abuse and I don't feel warm fuzzies toward her. So I've developed a kind of distant coldness toward her. My shrink tells me I am 'objectifying' my mother. I am.
Anyway, nice to hear people similarly experiencing these things---these emotions.