I’m struggling…the day before thanksgiving I received a call that there are a few residents and staff members that are COVID positive at mom’s facility. Masks back on! It’s hard enough that I struggle visiting her and I’ve been trying to do it every other day or every two days, but I’m tired/ exhausted, mentally drained. I have GAD and depression after having suffered from cancer. In addition to that, I lost my husband as he betrayed me during that time and he officially left my home two months ago, trying to deal with all of my personal things and loneliness, in addition to not wanting to visit my mom because it’s just straight out hard and the guilt and resentment is heavy. I visited her on Thanksgiving and I had to wear a mask.. when I left and got to the car; I had a breakdown screaming/ crying and just lost it - so upset. I had welts on my face from the mask and I just can’t breathe with the darn thing, I haven’t returned to visit her since, and I feel awfully guilty. I was advised by a cousin that lives in another country to just let it go that I’ve done everything I possibly can. My mother is 93 years old. I took care of my dad before he passed away 21 years ago as well I have no life!! I’ve gained weight and I just am in a dark place. I don’t know how often is considered to be OK to visit an elderly parent without feeling crappy…I don’t know how to gauge anything anymore…any advice would be greatly appreciated; thank you.
IMO that is one of the best times to do many things.
You've been through A LOT so it's okay if you don't visit the nursing home for a while. It's okay if you make your life all about YOU for a while.
Your cousin whio told you that you've done everything you could, is right. I hope you listen to them.
How about if you take a couple weeks off from visiting and just talk on the phone with your mother? Or FaceTime with her? At least wait until the mask restrictions are done. You deserve a break and some rest. Take some.
Hopefully the masking requirements will be gone when you go back.
If you have to mask keep the visit short.
So I've been thinking and wondering, why and how to fix it. We don't know what going to happen tomorrow, we are both not young I'm sure, what if we wake up in the morning and have a stroke. Why did I ruin a good healthy day, being miserable?
Especially when I can't change a gosh darn thing
I have told the story before where my Dads sister, A, was in a NH with ALZ. Mom went to visit and on the way out my Dads other sister, E, was going in. When E got to As room she said "I see P was here to visit. A said "No, P has not been here today." Within five minutes my Aunt did not remember my Mom had visited. So do you visit Mom for Mom or because of guilt. I refused to feel guilty because I was there when my brothers weren't. My daughter is an RN in a NH. I saw my Mom every other day for no more than a half hour. My daughter said I did not need to go that much.
Take time off. Go out to the Mall and enjoy the decorations. Go to a Church service. Love Christmas Eve ones. Mom is safe and carried for, take care of yourself.
I never wished to get to that point, but at 87 Y/O it may be closing in on me. I'd like to tell the longevity folks this: unless/until old people can live in reasonably good health--not merely occupy a bed or wheelchair with ever-increasing levels of illness, debility and loss of personhood--further longevity is not necessarily a desirable goal. (Switzerland has the right idea.)
You seem to have a lot of personal problems and concerns other than your mother being in care. You didn't create aging-in-America, and you can't fix it, so guilt isn't yours for this sadness. Grief is the better "g-word" and this is WORTH grieving.
If you need psychological counseling, medication to help you, I would start with a good check up and check in with your own doctor.
As to masking, do the very best you can. The rules are set by the facility. You will be required to follow them so do find yourself a good comfortable mask. I wish you the best.
For your mental health, you absolutely need to cut your visit back to maybe once a week.
No one can possibly do all this without getting to were you are.
Some things just can't be fixed. Does going to see mom every other day change her life for the better. I suspect not much anyways.
I honestly don't think what your feeling is guilty, it's greif , your grieving the loss of the mom you once new, your grieving the fact that your moms life is , not easy .
What good are you for your mom if you get sick. Also your a cancer survivor, it's imperative that you think about yourself and your health.
If your not in therapy, please do. Please take a break from going to moms, do something special for yourself, something good for you!
Your cousin is right, it sounds like you have done everything you could do for mom. Let the paid workers take care of her now.
You are actually lucky that mom is placed , take this as a chance to now take care of YOU!!
Gacast, please keep us posted.
After having immunotherapy for stage 4 cancer and surviving, but being left with disabilities from the treatment, I asked the palliative care team for Paxil to help me with my depression and anxiety. It's been a lifesaver for me, truly. Cancer is a very traumatic event to go through. Recognize that and ask for help with your depression and anxiety. Don't add to it by making up rules you need to follow about visiting your mother continuously, at the expense of your health.
My mother lived in Memory Care Assisted Living for the last 3 years of her life before she passed at 95. Every time I saw her, she had some nasty hurtful thing to say to me, causing me stomachaches and dread at the thought of going there. So I visited once a week only. During the early days of covid, we couldn't visit at all and that was a relief, tbh. Then they allowed window visits so dh and I would stand outside in the snow yelling over the phone (She was mostly deaf) so she could hear us. We could see her through the window all warm and toasty as we froze our buns off.
Take care of YOURSELF #1 and then set a reasonable schedule to see your mom. Don't sacrifice your health to visit during covid, either. That's my advice.
Best of luck to you.