I live in a rural community in Northern Arizona, in 2023 I was evicted by a friend of my parents and moved in with my parents at the age of 30. I am a 33 year old female, never been married or have ever had kids of my own. I served 8 years total in the US Army and AZ national guard, I don't have any real care giving training or certifications. Neither does my stepdad. My mom has major cardiovascular complications, type 2 diabetic and stage 5 kidney failure. Her cardiovascular complications have gotten much worse with a few close calls in 2025 and this year, and my mom is on 12 hour dialysis nightly. Since moving back into with my parents, my mother's health has quickly declined to the point where she has to have 24/7 caregiving and my dad has forced me into caring for her alongside him. My stepdad has power of attorney over her, he has made all the executive decisions on the type of care she receives, I have no say in any of it. I have tried to voice my opinion on some of things that has occurred in the past 3 years in regard to her being home instead of going to a skilled medical facility, I was was told that those options are not valid. My stepdad does all my mom's vitals, he runs her dialysis from home, he does all the meal prep. He told me to continue staying with them that I had to do the cleaning and paying rent; however he has now placed the responsibility of staying with my mom when he's not around, shopping for them, errands for both of them, and helping them with financial stuff, and takimg my mom to her appointments when I'm not working. My stepdad has been threatening to kick me out if I try to speak up about anything such as any decisions he makes towards my mom or about me being uncomfortable with being involved with part of her care or just overstepping any boundaries I have. I didn't feel comfortable with my mother having dialysis from home, my dad insisted on that and he went through the classes to receive proper training the equipment in 2024. He demands rental money from me, their friend that evicted me from the shared property that she owned, passed away last year November and left the house and part of the land to my dad. Now he owns the house we are living in, I still have to pay a rent every month. I have my own smaller bills which includes a car payment etc. The community I live in has a high cost at of living and affordable housing is difficult to find. Wages do not keep with the inflation or high cost of living. This i have had to take on a second part time job to make ends meet. Last week I've reached a breaking point, I work two part time jobs now due to my financial situation, I tried speaking up to my stepdad about how taking my mom to both of her necessary appointments would cause me to be late for work. I work at Lowes, every day I have missed since I was hired in October has been because of my mom going back into hospitalization for something going wrong with her heart. My supervisor wrote me and told me that I could only have 7 absences within a year. My stepdad cursed and yelled at me to "get the eff outta of his life" because I was only thinking about me. He wanted me to pack my bags and leave the same day. I almost had to leave same day without any safe place to go. I recently spoke with my friend who took my dog in when I moved in with my parents and she's said that I have a place with her and her family. I just don't know if I can do this anymore for both of them, I broke down crying to my mom yesterday when I spoke to her about this. She said that it's ok if leave, I just feel down. Should I try to hold out or should move sooner than later?
Your Mom is very sick. The dialysis she is being given is a last ditch effort. Dad should really have her on Hospice but that means no more Dialysis. For your sanity, take friend up on her offer. Tell Dad you are willing to help but you have had a warning about lateness and cannot be late for work or you will lose your job.
Your mom gave her husband POA, which is pretty normal and no he does not answer to you. He is supposed to be following both mom's wishes and deciding what's best for mom. Him taking classes to safely perform dialysis sounds pretty dedicated to me.
Now, he should not be abusing you verbally or threatening you but you should not be complaining about paying rent. It's their house and as an adult you pay your way.
I'm glad you found employment with Lowe's they are very good to the veteran community in general. I wonder if there's a Lowe's near wherever your friend lives that you can transfer to. Or in a town with reasonable costs of living where you could make a fresh start. I hope you will qualify to rent an apartment with an eviction on your record. And reach out to the VA for help with whatever is going on with you.
This is not a healthy environment you're currently at. You need to get away from there as quickly as possible. As long as you're under their roof, they will treat you in this manner. I'd been through something similar when I lived at home.
However, you are living in his home and your mother has given him decision-making authority over her care and she is apparently content with continuing this way rather than going to a facility.
Move in with your friend. While you continue working the two part-time jobs, look for one full-time job, or maybe once your stepdad stops interfering with your schedule, one of them can be converted to full-time, with advancement potential. Surely the skills you learned in the military will serve employers well and look great on your resume.
Your stepdad can hire in-home caregiver(s) to provide any care for your mother beyond what he can do. He is financially secure enough, and it will be good for other people with appropriate training to supplement the care he is providing, possibly catching anything that's missing. So DO NOT feel guilty about leaving.
Contact the VA for any services that they provide -- housing assistance, career counseling, additional education, health care. Your service has earned these, so see what benefits you can access.
You may also benefit from some mental health therapy. Your stepfather is abusive and three years of living full-time with it may have given you some PTSD. You need a restoration of your confidence! Those years in the military and National Guard have given you character traits and skills that many people never develop.
Not saying that you need to be married and have children, but if those are things you'd like to have, now is the time to get out of this trap and into an independent life of your own. You've spent your adulthood in service to others, and it's time to start looking out for your own needs. Let us know how things go.
I think you are right and your stepfather is wrong about trying to manage your mother's dialysis at home and all of her other cares. She should be in a care facility. However, he has POA and you don't have a say, unless you want to take him to court to argue (and prove) that he is not responsibly managing her care.
Leave this dysfunctional dynamic, get a full time job, a home of your own, even if that means moving from your current community to have better options.
Really, you should move our now and try to put away a little bit while you live with your friend and her family. Good luck.
You pack up your belongings, and you leave.
There honestly is nothing more that I can add to that statement.
You are not being "forced" into caregiving you are choosing to do caregiving.
No one starts out caregiving for a family member with training or a certificate. This is the ultimate "on the job training". You learn as you go, you adapt to what works, you pivot when something doesn't work.
Your step dad is using and abusing you. So put your big girl panties on and go to your friends house today. You deserve better.
Sounds like a pretty empty threat considering that you want to leave anyway.
You are an adult. You can leave anytime you want to. Pack your bags and get the hell out of there, right now.
Yup, do this today. Please open your eyes to see that your stepdad is emotionally abusive so do not listen to a word or threat that comes out of his mouth. Don't let him shame you about leaving them. They have other solutions but he is obiously a greedy and selfish creep and that's why he's doing what he's doing. You need to call his bluff. You are giving him power over you that he doesn't really have. He has no real ability to control you. You need to have boundaries with this entire situation -- boundaries that you identify and defend because he's not going to respect them ever. At 33, it's absolutely not too late to start a new life with them.
DO NOT tell him your plan to leave. When he leaves the house, pack up everything that is yours and take off. Even if he uses the false claim of "abandonment" ignore it. Run away and don't look back. If you're concerned about your Mom you can report them to APS. Do not tell him where you went. Once you're a little more financially stable, consider moving to a more urban area where there are more jobs and you can find section 8 housing and apply for other state aid. The longer you stay there, the worse it will be for you.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart that this is the right and best thing to do.
"...it's absolutely not too late to start a new life withOUT them."