My narcissistic mother with mod dementia- has had these crazy outbursts at me- scapegoat- specifically - at public and/ or family events. It is humiliating for me. I do not wish to go grey rock or "no contact" with my other family members- who I love. Yes- some are flying monkeys for survival. I think they are secretly glad they are not the ones in the hot seat. My mother is ok - even friendly - when we are alone. I do not understand why she would create publicly embarrassing situations for me. One very helpful thing - has been to sit right beside her at the table, so I am out of her line of vision- at public gatherings. Please send suggestions for dealing with holiday or public gatherings. If I speak up-and call her on her behavior publicly- when it happens- people who are not aware- can think you are the evil one. I also do not want to make a public scene - much worse. What a mess. Please send suggestions that have helped you survive public events. Thank you for your understanding and compassion on this forum.
I suggest she not attend holiday or public gatherings at all. It's upsetting and disorienting for a dementia patient, and since you might be the only truly familiar face, that's who she goes for. If people want to visit her, have them come to her place in smaller numbers instead.
There's really no rationale for any of it, so stop trying to understand why she's doing what she does. Remove the stimulation for that behavior, and both of you will rest easier.
accuses me of stealing, speaks poorly of me. I've done SO much for her and it's extremely upsetting. I had to step away. My blood pressure was so high and I felt so terrible I thought I'd have a stroke.
Thankfully, three neighbors stepped in and help her. She is so sweet to them. They believe her stories about me but I can't control that. I have to take care of me. First time ever. Narcissism is very hard to deal with.
Honestly, I'd skip the holiday gatherings and give yourself a break. The Omicron variant will be circulating amongst many families and holiday gatherings this year.
Please remember as a scapegoat you have been trained to think your feelings are unimportant , her’s reign supreme but that is completely untrue. Don’t take her. If someone else wants her there, let them take her while you stay as far away from her as possible( out of sight out of mind). You deserve freedom from abuse and bullying. They will never see her for what she is unless she pulls the same with them so don’t expect them to.
honestly the most relief I ever felt was when I permanently walked away from her because I finally understood the problem was her and I never deserved her treatment nor was I obliged to allow her to treat me the way she did. Of course she hated me for it even more but oh well, her loss. As her medical POA I did my duty but not with her around and with minimal contact. You aren’t obligated to allow it either. Don’t let her bully you, just stop the association.
and as you said:
“I never deserved her treatment”
some of us are very unjustly/meanly treated.
hugs!!
People on here who criticize the writer do not know what she is going through. If Mom was a sweetheart her whole life nad became like this because of the disease, that's one thing. But personalities and who a person is is unlikely to change.
My advice to the writer, control how often you take her out. Period. If she has a problem, and this is a part of her personality, then the ball is in her ocurt. If you get along fine privately, cherish those. She won't live forever and you don't want any regrets.
Is she like this in the beginning of the party? Is she sundowning? Could it be she is getting tired. My Mom lasted about an hour and then was ready to go home. She got overwhelmed with too much going on and too many people. Maybe taking Mom for a short time and then taking her home with a sitter. Then u can enjoy the rest of the party.
She got up and told everybody what he did on the way out. the next week she let me take her back saying nothing about the "battery" and we go in and then from the waiting area go into the treatment room right away. First thing he asks is how are you doing, and first thing she says is You're not going to hurt me this week like you did last week. the doctor's eyes got big and he looked at me with eyebrows raised, and I said, Doc, something about the memory and inflicted pain, she remembers what it was and who did it. that's probably going to turn out to be a pathway to use for recovery in the future. Late stage for this lady was almost a decade before. Full doses of aricept and namenda and lorazepam. with my treatment I was able to take her off lorazepam and cut the aricept by half. I never saw such a recover from Alzheimer as that. And over 95 at that.
AD is caused in great part by inflammation of the brain. don't let anybody tell you otherwise. People I help get better not worse. Proof is in the pudding.
See All Answers