My narcissistic mother with mod dementia- has had these crazy outbursts at me- scapegoat- specifically - at public and/ or family events. It is humiliating for me. I do not wish to go grey rock or "no contact" with my other family members- who I love. Yes- some are flying monkeys for survival. I think they are secretly glad they are not the ones in the hot seat. My mother is ok - even friendly - when we are alone. I do not understand why she would create publicly embarrassing situations for me. One very helpful thing - has been to sit right beside her at the table, so I am out of her line of vision- at public gatherings. Please send suggestions for dealing with holiday or public gatherings. If I speak up-and call her on her behavior publicly- when it happens- people who are not aware- can think you are the evil one. I also do not want to make a public scene - much worse. What a mess. Please send suggestions that have helped you survive public events. Thank you for your understanding and compassion on this forum.
Generaly speaking, I am a coward. I don’t like heights, or spiders (GAWK!), and snakes, (God forbid), but I cannot cower to a bully, much less stand by and silently stand witness to it. Is there no one that you can take aside?
There’s power in numbers.
Is she like this in the beginning of the party? Is she sundowning? Could it be she is getting tired. My Mom lasted about an hour and then was ready to go home. She got overwhelmed with too much going on and too many people. Maybe taking Mom for a short time and then taking her home with a sitter. Then u can enjoy the rest of the party.
She got up and told everybody what he did on the way out. the next week she let me take her back saying nothing about the "battery" and we go in and then from the waiting area go into the treatment room right away. First thing he asks is how are you doing, and first thing she says is You're not going to hurt me this week like you did last week. the doctor's eyes got big and he looked at me with eyebrows raised, and I said, Doc, something about the memory and inflicted pain, she remembers what it was and who did it. that's probably going to turn out to be a pathway to use for recovery in the future. Late stage for this lady was almost a decade before. Full doses of aricept and namenda and lorazepam. with my treatment I was able to take her off lorazepam and cut the aricept by half. I never saw such a recover from Alzheimer as that. And over 95 at that.
AD is caused in great part by inflammation of the brain. don't let anybody tell you otherwise. People I help get better not worse. Proof is in the pudding.
I bet most of the people here don't know how to even start to treat inflammation of the brain. No, not aricept. No, not namenda. No not diazepines. No lorazepam or valium.
If you leave them to illness and inflammation instead of curing the inflammation, you are not allowing their brain to heal itself or their bodies to heal themselves whatever their conditions are. You must start by assuming not that you know the truth, but that you do NOT know the truth, and that you have a lot to learn. Humility leads to wisdom.
Just go and enjoy yourself, and if mom wants to make a scene, well that's on her not you, so quit losing sleep over something that will never change.
And of course you always have the option of leaving her home if she's that much of a problem as well. Best wishes.
Consider recording some of these untoward reactions and getting her to a geriatric psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment.
I suggest she not attend holiday or public gatherings at all. It's upsetting and disorienting for a dementia patient, and since you might be the only truly familiar face, that's who she goes for. If people want to visit her, have them come to her place in smaller numbers instead.
There's really no rationale for any of it, so stop trying to understand why she's doing what she does. Remove the stimulation for that behavior, and both of you will rest easier.