What are appropriate expectations from the care home as to Mom's cleanliness? She refuses to shower; they can't force her.

Mom is almost 85 and has Alzheimer's - triggered by the anesthetic during a 2016 hip replacement. She lived alone for 2+ years after that with my sister and me providing everything we could and getting her out of the house 4 times a week to eat.

We never succeeded in getting her to clean up/shower, though she desperately needed it. She got offended when we quietly, politely suggested it was time to bathe, change clothes. In her demented state, she said she had done those things, and also took care of her house, did laundry, cooked, etc. No, she did none of those things. (In a support group my sister and I attend, we learned she was "self-neglecting.")

So that and what we learned was a fractured leg bone resulted in a hospitalization, rehab and forever placement in a memory care facility this past January. It was time; we were beat. We chose a local company that operates five memory care homes in our area - 5 residents per house rather than a large, institutional place. Better caregiver-to-resident ratio, could cater more to her extremely difficult personality. This company rates very highly with the state and is subject to the same rules and regs as "brand names" in senior care.

In general, we siblings are pleased, but Mom is completely miserable. We expected this; she has no idea anything is wrong with her and understands nothing of what's going on. Doesn't even remember she broke a hip. She's miserable anywhere but home (where she was also miserable).

So yesterday being Mother's Day, we thought we'd take her to lunch and met our brother halfway - about a 1 hr drive. We asked the caregivers to try to give her a shower or get her cleaned up beforehand because she desperately needed it. They tried but Mom was having none of it. Fought so hard against it she banged her wrist against something, tore her fragile skin, and bled everywhere, which they bandaged up. We learned about that in the morning. By the time we got there to pick her up, she didn't remember the fracas, but it was obvious she had not bathed. The staff felt bad they couldn't get it done. Blood, mysterious stains, and other stuff all over her shirt. I cannot blame the staff for this - Mom is stubborn, obstinate and - I learned on this site, probably suffers anosognosia. In short, yesterday was rather miserable and we couldn't get her back there fast enough. Which is when things really went downhill.

In bringing her back to the home, she cried and had fits that she wasn't going home. She was grasping at us, crying, slamming her fists, etc., in frustration. My sister and I got out as fast as we could, leaving the poor CNA on staff to deal with her anger. But we were totally spent.

Part of this is venting...part is asking for your secrets to get someone to WASH?? I'm very concerned she's going to get a UTI (if she doesn't already have one) because it's very clear that's the center of the problem. She says she's very careful about that, but no, she isn't.

More info: she HATES pills and doctors. Doesn't listen or want their advice. She's racist and most of the house staff is non-Caucasian. I would just be grateful if she didn't stink so much. Dusting powder only covers so much. What can we do??