I’m 68 and retired living by myself and considering the possibility of moving my 92 yr old mother into my home vs putting her into an AL facility. What are some pros and cons? She is needing help with bathing, dressing, and walking. Just recently she is forgetting some things and I’m concerned for her health and well being. I have looked at some AL facilities close to me and they average $5500 a month; most amenities she would not be able to participate in and I think it may be wise first to try to have her live with me. What do you advise?
I am in the school of thought that home are is the best. I am speaking from the viewpoint of a caregiver of a spouse who has advanced dementia. You will need to hire outside help because - let’s face it - you aren’t spring chicken anymore. That will be expensive, but less than AL or NH.
Good luck.
When my mother first entered the AL, she participated in bingo and various board games, when she had no one her own age to interact with before.
Is mom up and down or calling out throughout the night?
If she stays with you and has this problem, your rest will be greatly impacted.
You would need a sitter for her at night.
Does mom have mobility problems that are difficult for you to manage?
If you can't move her from bed to chair to toilet to tub/shower and can not afford assistive devices, it is only a matter of time before you get seriously injured.
Do you have serious health issues - heart, breathing, mobility...?
If you have a serious health concern, who will care for mom when you need medical care or in an emergency?
Do you have committed support from family members, friends, members of your faith community and/or paid help?
Most caregivers do not gather enough support people so that they can have a little "time off" daily and more "time off" weekly to meet their own health needs as well as to do fun things with other people they enjoy, Burnout is real, but can be prevented with enough "non-caregiver time."
Is there a history of early dementia in your family?
We do not know all the reasons why dementia develops, but if early mental capacity problems appears to be the norm - you may be at risk of having this problem too. In this case, it would be wiser not to have responsibility for another's care. Get annual testing for your own cognitive abilities if this is your situation.
None of the "tasks" of helping my mother were a problem for me emotionally. When she could not stand or assist in transfers I was not physically able to handle the transfers alone or count on Mom's assistance/compliance as her MCI had more impact. The most challenging aspect for me was the 24/7 on-call. Mom attended Adult Day Care (ADC) 3 days a week most of the time (besides covid impacts), and we hired some help to attend her a few hours a week so I could attend the kids' games. Still, I did not _want_ to leave Mom much. I did not want to risk more exposure to covid risks. I choose to stay at home with her instead of attending certain events. I became more isolated due to my choices.
Mom has been gone for nearly 4 months now. The plan was to allow her a better quality of life for as long as we could, then have the money left to support her in a good facility when she needed it. We made it. I have no regrets over the way things worked out; however, I maintained some support from my family and I had grandchildren and great-grandchildren visiting for a few minutes most days. Mom was mobility and cognitively challenged to the point I could not leave her alone for a little over a year. That year was very long.
Consider this, you are now on call 24/7. All your own needs and physical care cease being the priority.
Are you physically fit?
Are you healthy and strong?
Can she be left alone while you grocery shop, do laundry, prepare meals, house keep, or take care of your own self care activities ( dentist, healthcare hair appointments....)
Are you able to get her to and from appointments as well as your own without Injuring your back, legs, feet etc..
Do you love spending time with her, get along well.? Have little to no conflict?
Can you take care of all her finances, her bills. Her other needs and food etc.. Evaluate this carefully. If she has other children, will they be resentful of you if you do household improvements with mom's money?
The emotional toll and the physical needs of an elder parent as we age are tremendous.. I am praying God gives you wisdom, compassion and guidance.
All the advice given to you in this conversation is true.
We no longer have any privacy or freedom we are on call 24/7.
The worst is the daily mood changes from nice and needy to abusive and demanding .
I understand that is very hard for Mom to give up her independency, so she argues often on everything little thing. I try to be understanding, compassionate and loving with her but her behavior is very difficult on us. I never know what kind of mood she will be in the morning she could be pleasant or nasty, this is very frustrating and a is taking an emotional toll on everybody in the house.
We are looking for AL facilities near us and I think that will be the end result in a few months, but one day she wants to move to an AL and another she says she wants to stay with us.
The emotional rollercoaster is very taxing on me, since I am her main caregiver. You wont have anytime for yourself and forget about going out for more than 2 hours (we try to go shopping when she is sleeping during the day) vacations or little short driving trips or visiting our children are things we are not longer able to do since she doesn't want to come along and we can not leave her alone.
If putting her in a facility now is an option for you, do it. Try to get a place that is close to you so you can visit very often and keep an eye on her, you will be saving yourself and she will be under professional care. She will complain about it but she will also make friends there and both of you will have a better quality of life I least that is want I think it will happens to me and my Mom .
Good Luck and blessing on your decision.
- When will you be able to do basic errands like grocery shopping? You can't leave her alone and it's not feasible to take her with you.
- What will you do if she gets combative at home?
- What happens if you, God forbid, get sick or injured? Who can step in at a moment's notice for what could be weeks or months?
- If Mom becomes incontinent, how will you handle it? Will you be okay with having to wake up several times a night and/or changing bed linens, handling soiled clothes?
- Mom could live another 10 years. Are you willing and able to care for her that long?
- If she starts wandering, what's your plan?
-Are you able to lift her?
-Will you be able to get her out safely in case of fire or some other emergency?
-If you take her in and she needs a nursing home later, keep in mind that will be another hard transition for her.
many of us have awful siblings, who take advantage of us.
You might look into home care where she lives now, but it would still be expensive. As much as you love her and are concerned about her care, moving her into your home would totally take over your life and time, demand great physical and mental energy, and fray your last nerve. It is not something to be taken on lightly.
Have you talked to your mom about the possibility of AL? I’m curious what she thinks.
You and I are similar ages as are our mothers. But there is no way I could move my mother in with me. Don’t get me wrong, I love her and want the best for her, but she is OVER-THE-TOP demanding. If you don’t meet her needs the way she wants it and when she needs it, her abusive behavior kicks in. I’m not saying you mother is like this, but it is something to consider. Caregiving has many demands, as others have shared, but the biggest is that of your emotional exhaustion. I know, I’m caring for my wife of 31 years. She was diagnosed with early & sudden onset of ALZ. But even if we were not walking this journey with my bride, I still could not have my mom living with me because of her abusiveness.
Does your mom have any LTC insurance? Or enough assets to live either at home or a care facility? It is expensive. I pay $21/hr when a caregiver is here to help with my bride. But fortunately we have LTC insurance. A quality AL facility would be about $7500/mo where I live.
Hope this helps. You’re torn between your mom’s needs, your heart for her best, and your own emotional and physical health.
My prayers are with you!
We will always be the "kid" even when we are 80 and they are 100, and we don't know squat.
At 68 years of age, I would strongly recommend you not take this on. Do not move your 92 year old mother into your home unless you are willing to also have full-time home caregivers that can transition into 24-hour round the clock care staff because you will need them to.
Are you willing to have your house turned into a nursing home? Ikdrymom mentions in the comments a home that stinks like urine (and also sh*t), changing diapers, and being available 24 hours a day. One person cannot do it. Also, what happens if you get sick or need care yourself? What then?
Moving a 92 year old into your home is a bad idea. Please don't do it.
She needs help dressing - do you want to dress her every day? For the day, change if an issue, then into sleepwear.
She needs help walking - does this mean she can not walk without a person helping her? Or just that she needs a walker?
At 92, I'm not surprised that she is forgetting things!
AL is very expensive and you're right that she probably can not participate in a lot of the things available there. Can they even provide the level of care that she needs? They are pretty limited in the personal services they are willing to offer. Guess it could vary between facilities.
IF you bring her into your home, will you do it with the intention of this being for the long term or for a fixed time period? Can you do it for say 6 months and then re-evaluate? Can your mom understand something like that?
Can your mom afford to pay for helpers? If you take her in, I would hire someone to start right away to do the bathing and dressing and whatever else. And to give you a break, preferably every day. You don't want to be chained to your house 24/7. You need to live your life too. See friends. Go for walks, etc. etc. Your mom could live many more years.
The cons are that you would be in charge of all of those details mentioned above and have little time for your own life. And that your privacy would vanish the day she moved in.
The pros of placing a loved one in Assisted Living is that they have autonomy; the right to do as they see fit, eat when and what they want; come & go as they please w/o having to answer to a son or daughter, the ability to socialize and mingle with peers their own age & have entertainment geared toward their their musical interests, etc. Card games with others, book clubs, happy hours on Fridays, outings on the mini bus every week, social events, etc. The ability to mingle and socialize isn't available in a home environment and I truly believe that is what's kept my mother alive at almost 95 years old with more health issues than I can mention in one sitting.
The cons of Assisted Living is the costs, the fact that her care would not be perfect and she'd have to wait more than 1 minute for her call light to be answered, she'd undoubtedly complain about The Food (it's the law in AL; they all complain about it as they gain weight!), and that some of her neighbors are too noisy or nosey or whatever.
That about wraps it up. Good luck deciding what works best for you & your mom!
Here’s the thing at 92 she has outlived all standards & charts for lifespan and ADLs. It may be that she actually would be just fine living with you and you could still still have an independent life. But maybe really she needs 24/7 oversight which means she needs a facility unless she had the $ to pay for caregivers to come in several hours per week. You cannot in any way shape or form be 24/7.
id be concerned abt her going into AL. She might be better fit at a NH. Perhaps a lively NH but nevertheless a NH. You do NOT want to move her into AL and then like 3 mos later get a “we just love your mom but she needs a higher level of care” letter AND have to move her again. Plus using her $ to private pay a few or even a couple of mos at a NH puts her at an advantage to staying in that bed but becoming a LTC Medicaid resident.
I’d get the assessment done and then you shop around to find 1 or 2 NH that are both private pay and Medicaid. Perhaps go at lunch and also when an activity is being done to see if it’s a good match for moms capabilities. Try not to think about the costs…. I say this because if they already are nonagenarian the likelihood is they are going to outlive their $ and end up applying for LTC Medicaid.
what 2 ask yourself….. if there was a fire at your home can you physically go from 1 end of your home to the other, pick up your mom (or have mom walk out)and have her & you outside on the street or middle of the yard within 5 minutes?