First thanks to everyone who has shared their stories. I realize I'm not alone nor crazy. Actually it sounds like I'm the daughter of a Narcissists mother in some aspect. I think I could have written half of these letters. Same experiences. Hates anyone I went out with and now my husband she tolerates because she needs him to do her bidding. I'm always helping, always there. But never enough or good enough. Parents - Mom 84 (mild dementia), Dad 89 follow me where ever I move. I end up having to pack up their house for them each time with no thanks just accused of throwing or loosing their stuff. Finally they moved into an Independent Living, Dad was getting frail. They also complained everyday about the house so I suggested they try the Independent Living so now accused of pushing them to sell their house. Always there to take mom out, use to take her weekly for hair and lunch, or Dad to his appointments, or a run to the beer store or drug store. Or fill their water cooler, or cut Dad's toes or cut his hair...well you know how it goes. And always right now, although they make it sound like I'm so busy so they say sweetly when ever you can. But if I don't jump right away I get a phone call that day. And with no hello just "Where's my...., you said you were bringing it"... If I don't call every few days or visit every other day it's the same. "Where have you been stranger, you don't visit anymore" Dad sleeps a lot and Mom would not tell him I stopped in. They also tell everyone how busy I am, or when I ask why they didn't call me to take them to an appointment they struggled with I get "Well your busy"..and get a cousin or a helper to do their bidding. They also fight daily and it's very stressful when visiting. I can only manage a coffee when I stop by before I need to leave. And like one lady wrote, everyone tells me how much they like my mom but they don't know what she is really like behind closed doors. She can't stand the residents and wants to move out. Against the advice of everyone I take her around to look at houses. But that's what she likes to do (she will never buy another house) and as a good daughter I take her. I have an older brother (the golden child) who lives too far to visit but supports me emotionally. On a few occasions when I was at mom's he would call and I'd here her say "love you" at the end of the conversation but she never says that to me. When I say "love you" I get the dial tone. You have to laugh...So my father was near the end of his life in the spring. I arranged funeral details, spent hours at the hospital with him where my mother stayed home. Said goodbye to my father, talked about after life. He was ready. But he was released to go home with health workers coming in twice a day to help mom and from there he seemed to bounce back. Over the years there had been many false calls. Actually many goodbyes too. Well last month he seemed to be even frailer, sleeping more. My husband and I were to go on vacation in the summer that was booked and paid for. Do we cancel? (another cancelled trip due to Dad's health) but my brother said go and he sent his wife to be with Mom. Besides I needed a break from the madness. Dad was fine when I left, sitting up going to the bathroom on his own and eating. We figured he would still be around but I had made arrangements should something happen. But of course he past peacefully in his sleep while I was away and I am now the most vile person on earth. I wasn't there for "her". I have never seen such anger or heard such awful things come out her. She wants me out of her life never to see me again. She hardly looked at me at the funeral. After the funeral she left with my brother and continued to say awful things about me and my husband. My brother defended me as much as he could. Remember he wasn't there either but he could have been. But that doesn't matter - I'm the daughter! So mom is flying home in two weeks and to tell you the truth I'm not looking forward to it but I'm the only one she's got here except for a few resident workers she uses or a niece (doesn't like any of them but will use them). The last thing I said to her was "I love you, I'm not angry and when you need me call and I'll come." Something about hell freezes over and that I have never bothered with her before (really??) and get the F out of my life!....so there you have it. I can't crawl back as she would like and the excuse that she's 84 and angry Dad died doesn't cut it. She didn't even like him. It's all about her. Thanks...I had to vent...
My mom is in independent living and as long as I was available all the time she didn't get involved in activities or meeting anyone. Why should she? She had me for her entire social life. It's important that while your mom is in independent living and capable that she get involved and get her own social life. Don't get sucked back in to the old toxic relationship or you'll be miserable. This is your opportunity to take your life back!
But whatever the reasons behind her behavior, I do think you need to detach a bit more from this toxic presence. Don't abandon her, but set clear boundaries (and enforce them) and cut back on your exposure to her. When she gets nasty, leave or end the phone conversation quickly. "It sounds like you are not in a good mood to talk. I'll try again later."
But ... my mother was not narcissistic. I'm only repeating what I've learned on this forum. People who have been in your shoes will be along in the next few days and give you their advice.
Your description of your mother could have been written by me. Unlike some folks, I do not excuse bad behavior from senior citizens if they are fortunate enough to have their mental faculties. Aging is tough, yes, but it is no excuse for elders to treat others with a lack of respect and kindness.
My mother is currently in rehab after surgery. Just yesterday she vented her spleen on her nurses, therapists, and me. Today I called to tell her I would be taking two days off from visiting her. (I have been "on duty" almost daily for the last three weeks.) At age 90, she will never change so I need to put some distance between myself and her selfishness.
I am also thinking about starting therapy. I already rely on prescription medication to get through the worst times. I also need to develop a network of supporters separate from my mother and her side of the family, who all specialize in critical judgments of myself and others. They all wear me out.
I daydream of jumping in my car and heading to another state under an assumed named! LOL. Not to sound glib, but I would welcome a situation in which my mother cuts me out of her life. It would be a relief.
My best to you during this difficult time.
Regarding your Mom and how she is reacting to you, it could be grief, as the love of her life is no longer there. I know you mentioned that she really didn't like him. It's tough getting older, there are so many things that one cannot do any more. I think most of us would be grumpy at that stage. So I say, let it go, hopefully this angry phase will pass sooner than later.
Now is a good time to set boundaries. Write down everything you do for your Mom, and I mean everything. Now cross off half the items. Now cross off a couple more. When Mom starts calling you and ask you to do something, check the list, if you had crossed that off say to Mom "Sorry, I can't possibly do that" and don't go into detail. Yes Mom will we angry and throw into the conversation the guilt trip.
Since Mom lives in an Independent Living community, there are community buses that take the residents to different stores, Mom needs to learn to check their schedule and use that service. Hopefully she will met some other ladies that she can become friends with. They can all chat amongst themselves how terrible their grown children are :P
In a week or two, call Mom to see how she is doing. But be prepared to hang up the phone quickly. At least you tried.
You've said all that you need to. That you're not angry, you love her, and you will be there for her as you always have been.
I have to say, I think that's exemplary forgiveness on your part. And, surely, enough?
I went to the hospice when I got this call and sat with my father's body. I had been greeted by the nurse who told me my mother was extremely angry at me for leaving the night before. Well my mother had been extremely angry during my dad's entire illness and demanded a lot from me. No matter that my 29 year old son was going through surgeries and chemo and radiation for colon cancer and I was there for him, his wife and baby, all while trying to work a demanding job in Atlanta.
My mother's anger never let up through the funeral and beyond. She scapegoated me and got other family members on board with her. It got worse when I learned dad had left me a small inheritance. Her toxic behavior caused me and my husband marital problems. He ultimately killed himself and my son died 2 years later of cancer.
I've had lots of therapy and have created boundaries (not that it is always easy) but I am a testament to how toxic family members can destroy your life. My relationship with my dad was precious to me and I'm not at all sure I could have watched him take his last breath nor would he have wanted me to.
Live your life and devote your love to your immediate family and friends. Don't get enmeshed with your mother and good luck.
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