My mother needs assistance but is refusing in-home care and moving to assisted living. I live 3,000 miles away, and she expects me to move me and my children to her to take care of her. She has the financial means to get in-home care but doesn't trust anyone in her home.
Every time I talk to her I get a guilt trip and I question her state of care. I do have a sibling that lives 15 mins away that sees her 2x/week for about 2 hours a visit. My sibling doesn't do any care for her around the house. Their visits revolve around their family events or a lunch out.
I try and take 3-4 trips a year to visit her as she is not able to fly.
I feel like I have abandoned my mother however I have a family to also take care of and she refuses to come live with me.
My question is what do I do??? I feel so hopeless and I have a lump in my chest when I call her daily.
If your mother has the funds to hire help, she can do that. If you and your sibling refuse, she will have no other option.
What exactly does she need help doing? What is her financial situation? Can she afford AL? Is she legally mentally competent?
This has nothing (at all!) to do with where your sister lives or what she does. Neither you nor your were birthed by her to become her caregivers.
Your mother has options, and as long as she is cognitively intact and capable of making her own decisions, she has absolutely no right to make demands on you OR ANYONE ELSE.
If you are uncomfortable talking to her don’t call her or answer the phone when she calls you. REMEMBER, the guilt you feel is your responsibility, NOT your mother’s.
Don’t hesitate to discuss you situation with a good therapist. MANY of us deal with guilt. You are not alone.
She does have mild cognitive impairment and doesn't drive. She relies on us to order her groceries and other necessities. She sometimes neglects eating and medicine management.
You do not move to her or her to you. Living together does not always work. You should not move your children away from friends or Mom away from what she knows. Many on the forum will tell you it won't work. You will end up resenting her and have unhappy children because...u live 3000 away for a reason.
Start setting those boundries now. If she starts about u coming there to CG, tell her you will no longer discuss it. You are not leaving a job and moving to be her Caregiver. She has the money hire people. If she can't keep up with the cleaning, have someone come in once a month. How dirty can one person be. She can maintain. If she needs more than that then hire a Home Health Aide. Besides cleaning and laundry, they can cook her meals. Assist her in showering. If the house upkeep is too much, then she needs to sell and use the profits for an AL. Tell her she has options and you are not one of them. If she keeps bringing it up, you tell her you won't talk about it anymore. Don't call her every day.
We tried to hire home care, and the day the lady was supposed to come, my mother calls and says she won't let her in because she didn't want anyone in. I have wasted my time on multiple occasions trying to get her help which she ends up refusing. It is just so frustrating to hear her complain about her situation but refuses to make things better.
It sounds like you have not 'abandoned' your mother at all, but fly to see her 3-4 times a year, and her other daughter sees her 2x a week, so she's in a much better space than most other parents, honestly. If some crisis happens, THEN you can worry about insisting she hire in home help or moving into Assisted Living. That's what happens in a lot of cases; the stubborn elder has to fall & break a hip or a femur before the hospital or rehab SNF refuses to allow them to move back home to live independently. That's when the power of choice is taken away from them and they are forced to move to AL or hire in home help. Then you're no longer The Bad Guy, and they can blame the hospital or the doctor.
Try not to feel like you have to 'do' anything here or that you 'have to' call mom every day and get that dreaded lump in your chest by doing so. Set down some boundaries here instead, like choosing to call mom every other day, and give yourself a a break by taking a few days a week off from the drama. That's my suggestion, from a daughter who used to get that same 'lump in her chest' all the time.
GOOD LUCK!
When my mom had MCI (now dementia), she would also complain of being bored. But due to her memory issues and cognitive issues, she just could NOT make plans. I made numerous suggestions and they were ignored. But she just couldn't do it. In hindsight, I should have just made it happen since she was living with me and it was hurting our relationship to have her just depend upon me. Not healthy for either of us.
Tell mom in no uncertain terms, that you are NEVER moving across the country to take care of her. Someone says "Oh, I couldn't possibly do that" and "No is a complete answer".
Do NOT move her in with you. You will regret it.
I made the mistake of doing more and more and more for my parents. In hindsight, I should have made them get help to take care of the things they couldn't/wouldn't do.
When did mom get diagnosed with MCI? If it's been awhile and you see more issues, could be progressing to dementia. Does someone (hopefully your sister that lives near her) have POA? If not, get all her paperwork in order NOW before she does get diagnosed with dementia and will no longer be able to legally sign documents that are so important to have.
Maybe start with a cleaning lady? Get someone coming to the house weekly to get her used to it. Is there a bus in her town? Can she get a ride to the senior center? Don't ask her if she wants to go - but get her there so she can do things and not be rattling around in the house all day. Maybe next trip you go, take her every day and get her in the habit. Hire the cleaning lady to start when you'll be there so mom can't send her away.
I have learned with my mom that you just do NOT ask. You lead her and if she really resists then OK you might have to back off. But for example, if you ask my mom if she wants to go out for a little walk, she'll say no. But if you say "Ok mom, it's a beautiful day let's get out for a little walk. Here are your shoes, time to put them on." then voila, she's out the door.
Good luck.
I would have worked on having them hire people to do the things they couldn't/wouldn't and would have steered them to senior housing since most of the chores they couldn't/wouldn't do.
Where's that crystal ball when we need it? I didn't realize I was making huge mistakes by enabling/disabling them with my being waaaay too helpful. Ugh. So many regrets but I'm not wallowing in them. Moving on....
OMGGGGG...my Mom is 79. No way in hell can this go on for 2 more decades.. How is your Mom's health? And YES to all you wrote...except for I will not allow my Mom to ramble on the phone.. I have to change subjects mult times.. I can't handle the mindless chatter--anger--negativity.. I talk re: my Kids...or the news...the weather.. She has gotten herself into this boat...and no one is signing up for her to destroy rest of our lives. I do what is necessary...I am beyond thoughtful & loving to her.. buttttt...I will end the convo or plan my exit when I am at her house.. I HATE the melodramatic "I miss you so much when you are gone..you could move here." Too bad she couldn't control her decades of Alcoholism & Mania..and now NPD & Borderline (non stop yelling & criticism).. I respond with "call you when I get home (2 hr drive)" "need to get back on my work game + kids" My Mom barely worked a minute her whole life.... Ridiculous... She was horrible to my FAB Stepdad.. positively horrible.. Thank God my Steps made the decision to pull him out 2.5 mos before he passed to put him in a board & care with his own private Caregivers.. Why we are left dealing with my Mom...after all she has put us through. Would blow your minds...
2) you tell her you support her only in good decisions. When she complains, listen, but let her know that these are problems she’ll continue to have and they’ll get worse as she ages unless she takes action.
I went through this. My mother cried and pounded the table, my father swore at me, they both teamed up on me. I stayed steady. I was only 10 minutes away but they were sucking up all my free time and I and my family were suffering. I finally had to get a FT job for financial reasons and hence had to bring up A/L to them. It was horrible. They refused and said they would find their own way. I stopped taking them to health appts b/c they said they were “independent”. They canceled every single one of them. My fathers driving was declining. Finally they agreed to LOOK at the independent senior apartments. They realized they had to do it. They didn’t want to, but we pushed and pushed and finally they went. It was very hard on all of us, but they’re in about 6 months now, and they realize this is where they need to be. They hate the food (expect that) but the care is there. They have both gone through Covid and my dad ended up in the hospital with cellulitis. They had a cord to pull when he got sick and a nurse who came right to them and stayed with them until and ambulance got there. I am very glad we forced them into it. It is difficult, lots of tears all around, but it was the best thing. Good luck, stay strong. Get counseling if you need to, this is tough stuff
"1) You do not move out there to care for her. Unless you want to become her nursing home, you do not take on this role. You and your family come first.
2) You tell her you support her only in good decisions. When she complains, listen, but let her know that these are problems she’ll continue to have and they’ll get worse as she ages unless she takes action.
I went through this. My mother cried and pounded the table, ...they were sucking up all my free time and I and my family were suffering."
***My Mom also pounds on the table. Bahahaha! Love your solution... I can't go there w/my Mom just yet... But either she will have Home Caregivers...or some form of Indepepent or AL..
Help them research their options, be on their side and let them know they’re loved. But your primary loyalty & obligation belong to the family that you have created. Life works that way.
One of their neighbors even said since you're both using walkers and not very mobile, maybe it's time to go to an Assisted Living place. Nope - not them. My stepdad had the nerve to say to me "back in my day, children took in their parents". I'm not a caregiver and certainly not to 2 barely mobile people who love to complain all day. Just such a weird and entitled thought process. I will not be doing this to my children.
OP, you don't have to call everyday. When she starts complaining, change the subject. Have a few lighthearted topics jotted down on paper to move you through the conversations. I used to do that with my mother, she loved talking about medical things so I'd bring up an article on medical story or I'd ask her questions about a recipe she used to make. I'd ask her opinion on things, she liked that. If she's still complaining, get off the phone.
Don't keep mentioning to her about moving in with you. So many horror stories of parents and grown children living together. Her moving into AL or paying for in-home care is the way to go.
Certainly those in their 80s now did know.
Your mother is grieving the changes needed and, her sense of loss of independence any changes will precipitate. You are very caring to consider the options for her care. If your mother is still cognitively
" alert and oriented" able to make her own decisions, then she has the " patient rights" to do so. Are you the designated PCG or POA for your mother? If so, perhaps you could speak with her physician about the concerns you have for your mother's well being. Perhaps you could plan to accompany her to a physician visit during one of your visits with her? Does your mother have Advance Directives in place?
Both your concerns and, your mother's fear of change as one ages are normal. It is sometimes helpful to look at all if this in what I call
" through a lens of grief", the grief that accompanies aging, distance, any change , life circumstances, family dynamics and, differences...
If you are a person of faith, keep this in prayer and, speak perhaps with your and/ if your mother's faith leaders . If you are not a person if religious faith, remember to find some form of meditation for self care. Peace. JNM
Most of it, I did not mind, but I CLEARLY drew the boundary line that I would be HOME with my spouse in the evenings and at night. I worked on her for over 2 years trying to convince her to move to assisted living. Finally her health got so bad that even she realized she could not stay alone.
As many have stated here, the health issues and falling injuries make the decisions for them. DO NOT uproot your family. DO NOT!
She has chosen not to cooperate.
SHE'S the one who needs care and thus needs to be the one willing to be flexible.
You have no reason to feel guilty.
The lump in your chest is "waiting for the crisis". Talk to ANYONE who has had an elder in their life and they will understand what you mean.
As I read your post, I wonder, is the social withdrawal typical for her? What was she like when she was younger? Some people are introverts, and they aren’t going to change into more outgoing individuals as seniors. Perhaps her inability to get involved with others is related to anxiety or she may be experiencing grief from entering a phase of life during which she is losing her independence. Just a couple thoughts!!
One idea might be to invite her to your home regularly for a nice long visit. When I was a kid, my grandmother would come to visit for a chunk of time (3 or 4 weeks). I loved that and cherish memories of those visits. Maybe once or twice a year, your mom could do something like that. It doesn’t solve your problem, but it gives Mom something to look forward to.
Another thought I had was what I did when my mom needed help cleaning. I had a friend who did housecleaning on the side. My mom “did her a favor” by hiring her a couple of times per month. I was with mom while she met with my friend and during the first time she came by to clean. My presence at those initial times made a big difference. She NEVER would have followed through without me there at first. My friend even brought along her sweet young son to do his homework while she cleaned. He definitely was more interested in chatting with my mom than homework which of course Mom loved!!
My cousin, who is much more assertive than I am, told her mother that she had to do ONE activity a week. She somehow got her into a bowling league, and that was her only “thing.” Her mother ended up absolutely loving that.
Baby steps are usually best for elders during times of transition. I’m glad you have a sister to collaborate with! Perhaps you two can think like teenagers again and figure out ways to gang up Mom to get away with what you want.
Best wishes! Let us know how things work out!!
My mother long before she was a senior has always guilted us kids to whatever she wanted. Now that she’s an elderly woman we are exhausted.
Set the example of what’s acceptable for your kids, don’t kill yourself helping folks that are being selfish. Politely guide them in the right direction so it doesn’t become generational.
Make sure she knows this.
Now, I want you to show your mother this post. I have worked as a caregiver (mostly to elderly) for 25 years. Homecare and assisted living.
I would tell her what I have told so many, many other elderly people who were being stubborn and refusing all help if it wasn't going to be done by family members of their choosing.
"Nothing will get an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn".
No truer words have ever been said or written.
So it's either accept the help that you arrange for her or she's on her own. It won't be long until the state places her.
Don't you play her games and fall for the guilt-tripping and manipulation.
You have not "abandoned" your mother. You are willing to get homecare set up for her. You are willing to manage all of it to help her.
Many of elderly "loved ones" aka senior brats think that unless their families are willing to jump through hoops, cater to their every whim, and give up their lives to live in miserable servitude to them then they're abandoning them.
Pleasr for your own sake and your childrens' don't get guilted into this. Stop calling her every day.
When you do call her refuse to discuss anything that is not related to setting her up with either homecare services or her moving into a senior community.
A crisis will happen. Then your mother will no longer be making her own choices between homecare and AL. The state will and she will get placed in a nursing home.
Show her this post. If she values her independence, she'll knock it off with the being stubborn nonsense.
Mom gets to live her own life too. Some people enjoy sharing their misery and discomfort. If she is basically OK, no out of control health issues, adequate food and sanitation, then she can complain all she wants and you can chose to listen or not. I vote for your calls being about her grandchildren, short and sweet.
Listen to your sibling. Support the one who is closest and most involved. They need and deserve it. When they decide Mom must move, then you can take a trip and help. Otherwise, nothing to feel guilty about.
Her demands are ridiculous and my brother and I deserve to have our own lives away from her