We just found out my mother in law is terminally ill with metastatic cancer. She's still in the hospital but will be discharged home soon with Hospice in place. Anytime my husband goes to see her, he never wants to take me. On the rare occasion I do go, he makes me feel like I burden him by being there. His other siblings brings their loved ones when they visit. I'm trying not to be selfish during this time but it hurts to know he doesn't want me there. I've tried talking to him and telling him how I feel. He says it's not a burden when I'm there. He says he wants me there but yet he never asks me to go with him or always has an excuse as to why he's going to go see her on his own. What should I do?
OMG! 3 to 5 DAYS!! And we didn't even know he had cancer. I think we were all in shock and barely functional. The hospital was urging us to plan for his discharge. He died on the third day after the oncologist's announcement. I was the only one who could look up the funeral home in the phone book, and I did it on auto pilot without thinking.
That was 18 years ago. Recently my sister and I were discussing cancer in our family. I said, "Well, Dad died of lung cancer." She didn't believe it. She did not remember the oncologist giving us the news, our brother's meltdown, our mother's bewilderment -- she had completely blocked the whole hospital experience from her memory. She only believed it when we looked at the cause of death on his certificate.
I'm just saying that people getting the unexpected news that a parent has a terminal condition are not always thinking straight. They may not be functioning in their normal way. This is about his inability to cope, not about his relationship with you.
Go see MIL yourself. Be as supportive of your husband as you can. Do not hang on to this strange behavior. I don't blame you for being upset. Come back and vent about it some more. But don't let it poison a relationship that has sustained you both for a quarter of a century.
There are several reasons I see for why he is not asking you to go along with him. First, he may feel there are just too many people in the room already. Second, he's thinking about what's going on with his mother and by not having you there he can be in his head all he likes. It's not a social call and I would completely agree with you that he should take you along if it were. Third, the dynamics between him, his siblings, and his mother have changed and that's strange and he's in a difficult spot. Fourth, maybe some unsavory family dynamics are popping up.
Go see your MIL by yourself before she gets discharged. Make it a point to do so and bring flowers if permitted. Ask her how she is feeling. Let her know how much you care about her. Ask her what you can do to make her more comfortable including when she returns home.
Do you think it's possible that some of his siblings are hiding behind their spouses to prevent things from getting too "real"?
But she is being discharged soon and things will change. Usually someone on hospice cannot be home alone. Who will be at home with her?
Another possibility is that he and she are still learning how to interact and even talk about this diagnosis. It's a shock, and either of them might be unable to discuss it but just need to spend time with each other.
You might want to check out the CURE website; it's a magazine for those with cancer and their caregivers. Sometimes the articles are emotional and to the point but helpful; other times they're scientific and sometimes hard to follow. But this subject might have been the subject of an article.
You also might want to see if there's a Gilda's Club in your area if it appears that any of the family members need a lot more support than the family can offer.
One thing you can do though is try to anticipate what might be needed when she's at home. Things she uses on a regular basis should be close to her, w/I arm's reach. Consider that she may have a loss of appetite and it might be hard to find something that pleases her. Find clothes that are easy to get in and out of, and that are warm as she probably won't be moving around much and can get chilled easily.
If family and friends want to visit, prepare to have them spend some time with her but away from her if they need to talk more, as she'll probably tire out much more quickly.
You might also get together a collection of her musical favorites to play if she becomes agitated, sad, tired, or just needs some music to relax her.
I'm so sorry to learn of this diagnosis; I do hope though that her remaining days are as peaceful and filled with family love as possible.
I'm very sorry to hear about your mother in law's diagnoses. I know its an extremely difficult time. I know you love your husband and want to support him. I think everyone reacts to this type of news differently. I don't know if the reason he wants to be alone with his mom, because he is afraid for others to see him cry or he wants to have some private words with her. Its always hard to know.
Hospice normally offers counselling and support group options. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to someone and find out what is the best way to go forward.
Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.