How do you deal with being treated like an employee because you were given a gift card as a thank you for your contribution to a needful situation? I am utterly stumped how I should respond to the gifter of this 20.00 gift card when I have done what I have because I saw a need and I felt like I could help when I did not see anyone else stepping up to take responsibility.
I have spent untold hours, many miles on my vehicle and usually 2 meals paid for by myself on the days I am helping my friend. A full day every week for months now.
Now her family thinks that they can tell me what I need to do, how I need to do it, multiple times a week demanding that I do errands and all because they gave me a thank you of a 20.00 gift card. When I tell them I am not going to do it, they tell me that I have been paid and I need to do what they tell me, not even giving me the courtesy of asking.
How do you respond to the shear absurdity of this? I love my friend and I don't want to abandon her, but the multiple demanding texts and calls daily are just over the top. Is this normal in anyone's experience?
Thank you for sharing how you would address the nonsense of being viewed as an employee because you were given a 20.00 gift card.
We all talk alot here about children who need to stop supporting their parents' charade of independence. Any idea if perhaps that's what is going on? The kids think that mom, although very capable for 90, needs to be in a less isolated and more supportive living environment, like Independent Living?
Is your friend still capable of cooking? Does she get groceries delivered? Can she order a cab for doctor's appointments? If she can't do these things, then possibly she needs more support than her kids or friends can give.
Something isn't adding up here. I'm trying to disconnect the gift card from the "you are being paid" comment because I doubt they are connected.
Just say no to their request.
Say no to EVERY request until they stop asking.
If you say yes to any of them, they may not get the message.
When they tell you have been paid, laugh and respond, no your 20 dollars was a gift. Say plainly, "I am not your employee "
I've read through a little bit of this thread, and it seems you want to stop their demands without causing drama. Great ideal, but it unfortunately may not be possible. Some people just don't care about anyone but themselves and thrive on drama. No one in their right mind would think that a $20 gift card is payment for months of help!
Please keep visiting and helping your friend - it sounds like it is good for both of you!
At the same time, please let them know that you are not a paid caregiver, do not wish to be paid, and wish to continue seeing your friend on your terms. I hate to see your friendship disrupted because someone wants to create drama where there should be none.
NO!
Then if necessary, I have tried to help you because I saw a need. I am not nor will I be an employee of yours at your beck and call. I will continue to TRY to help you if I am available, but I will not and cannot continue at the pace you seem to THINK that I owe you.
Your gift message could be:
"There is no amount of money that compensates for the love and devotion..." you have for your friend, and the things you do for her from the kindness of your heart. But they can certainly feel free to write you a nice note every week!
Good for you, for setting good boundaries, and also kudos to you for realizing how this would upset your friend if she had any idea what was going on or if drama started.
I'm afraid, there isn't much of a good answer, or anything you could do differently - you have already addressed it, and they are not "getting it" . . . .or even outright gaslighting you. I'm just so sorry you find yourself stuck like this.
[[[hugs]]] this just sucks really :(
I am beginning to think that they are feeling convicted by my actions.
They could easily help her and they don't.
Yes, I do think that they are trying to gaslight me. I think that they do it to their mom too.
I am going to assume that this friend is declining in some way, which makes you feel protective of her.
Admit that to yourself and call the person who gave you the card and is now becoming demanding on the carpet. "I can't possibly do what you are demanding of me. Please hire someone to help your mom if she needs more care".
If you read my responses you might be able to get it.
I think that you would have a problem if someone said something about your kids when you looked at them through the love you have for them, it covers a multitude of sin and you don't see what little bungholes they are.
When you are 90, let me know how you feel.
This is between her and them.
I have no doubt that she knows what they are, but they are her children and some things should never be said about someone's family, not when you are not family. You know that.
You say you want a way to let the family know you are not getting paid, without "going nuclear" on them.
I might suggest finding the single most sane member of the family. Then tell them gently the facts that you got this card which is lovely and which you appreciate, but somehow heard round the wayside that the thought is that you are getting paid to help your friend. Tell this person that you
A) are NOT getting paid to help your friend and that
B) you absolutely love her and it is a delight for you to give her this help. And C) C) tell this person you hope that they might pass this around to other family members, as somehow, somewhere along the line, someone got a mistaken idea that you are being paid.
Now, should they come to think you should do more in future, and you are not able to do more, then telling them gently that you are somewhat strapped for time, and are doing what you can should work.
It seems pretty clear you are very close to your friend but don't care for this family, so there may have been some water under the bridge? You don't say. These things become like that childhood game where someone whispers a sentence into the ear of the person next to them, and that person to the next, and by the time the sentence goes full circle it bears no resemblance to the original thing said. They are mostly misunderstanding.
It is difficult to see any real animosity here on anyone's part. Hope it gets cleared up and you and your friend continue to get to enjoy one another.
Again more assuming. If there was "water under the bridge" I would have said so.
There are certainly older folks about there (I'm in my late 60s, I'm talking about folks 20 to 25 years older than I am) who might think that $20 is a lot of money.
Consider that friend may be saying to family "I gave her a lot of money".
Just a thought.
She knows that they gave me the card. She thought it was so thoughtful that they, her children, wanted to say thank you to me for loving and helping their mom.
She has a good sense of the value of a dollar. She is whip smart and actually very current with the reality of life in 2020.
That's what makes it so sticky, she doesn't know what they are pulling, she would be so ashamed and I can't do that to her by telling her.
So, someone is saying you are being paid. Your friend may be saying that to them to keep them from wondering why you are so helpful. After all, it's a selfish world and they genuinely may wonder why you are being this way. It's wonderful you are, but I too would have some concern over someone who simply was this giving to my mom without understanding the friendship. So in order for them to back off, she may (even if you can't imagine it) be implying you are being paid.
Or, one of the siblings is saying it. I wouldn't put it past someone to say, "Yeah, she's good because I'm paying her". That one gets the credit for 'helping', and the others think it's handled. No one looks too deep because that would mean they'd have to step up and care.
Genuinely, there is something wrong here. Do they think Social Security is paying you as an aide? Have they asked you to sign anything?
I would spend the card on something for yourself or her. No lawyer would call it "payment". They'd laugh.
Maybe just visit your friend as you have, but don't do anything they ask you to do. Ask them directly why they think you are being paid. You may have to step up to the bozos and firmly ask, because someone is not telling you the whole story.
Their right mind seems to be what is lacking.
This would be like AC claiming everyone that they give a gift card to as an employee. Utterly ridiculous.
I have heard conversations she has with them and there is nothing being said that would lead them to the conclusion that I am being paid. She tells them she is out getting into fun trouble with her partner in crime and othe such silly things.
They know that I am her friend and that I do what I do at my expense, I told them when they told me that they paid me. I have made sure that they all know the truth, getting them to hear it seems to be my failing.
I could go nuclear with them, but I don't want my friend hurt. They are her children, no matter how useless they are, she loves them and she loves me, I don't want to draw her into their insanity, delusions or ???
I was hoping that someone had an idea of what could be done to get them to hear without it being a stupid drama that could hurt my friend. She is 90 and doesn't need unnecessary nonsense on her plate. She worries if she thinks she has caused offence or upset, so I am trying to shut it down without involving her. I don't think I could even explain what is going on, I don't understand it myself.
I think the whole thing here is that ITRR just wanted to see if others agreed that this situation is so "out there". Not sure why she asked the question "how do you deal" because I think she has dealt with it. Its more like "is there a different way to deal with this than I have been". She HAS set boundries. They just seem to be under the impression that the $20 GC is a payment of some sort. Or, someone is under the impression that someone is paying her as a Caregiver. Really, I can't understand someone in their right mind would think that $20 is enough money to pay someone to be at their beck and call. You pay that much to have someone babysit your kids for an evening. (I got 50 cents an hour)
With the gift card, I would think if you don't except it, it will be cancelled and the giver will be credited. So, just let it sit there. And if asked why you haven't "picked it up" just say seems to be too many strings attached. You won't be excepting it. Let them worry about how to get the $20 back.
I think you have done what you can. None of us understands why they feel $20 buys your time. Maybe the cousin can help you find out where the family is coming from. Maybe a member is telling them ur being paid and really that person is scamming Mom. Very, very weird.
Continue helping your friend. Your day a week gives her something to look forward to. A day out with a very good friend. And continue to keep her families shenanigans to yourself. It may just worry her and maybe effect your outings.
I have tried everything I know. I think that they are trying to gaslight me. Perhaps they think that you have to be dim witted to be kind and caring. As you said it is a very me, me, me world that we live in and some can not fathom the very idea of doing something just because it is the right and loving thing to do.
I feel sorry for future generations that have no roll model to show them what giving looks like. Eventually all the givers will be gone and it will be a world of takers, shudder😢.
I have blocked their numbers but they just email me or use a different phone.
It does seem like it should be pretty simple to deal with, but it is the screwiest situation that I have ever encountered. Obviously something is up, but I don't believe that my friend is aware of what it is.
They are never around when I pick her up or drop her off. They will occasionally call her while we are out because they don't know where she is and she is very open about what she is doing with whom. That is how they know what they do.
if you really have to return the $20.00 it sounds like it is not worth the aggravation.
continue to help your friend if you want but ignore the kids. Either let the calls go to voice mail (if any of them are threatening you might want to save them) or block the calls.
Also if your friend can have her pay you for the gas and wear and tear on the car currently the reimbursement (in the USA) for business is about 57.5 Cents per mile and for Medical moving it is a mere 17 Cents pre mile. Your friend can pay you and it can be deducted on her taxes as a medical expense (have her check with her tax preparer) Or if she has a car use hers to transport her. And she should be buying you meals when you are taking her.
She could well afford to pay me and has tried to put fuel in my truck. I put a stop to it.
I am doing this out of love, I don't want any remuneration for the gift I am giving her.
This is crazy
Thank you.
People can't take advantage of you more than once without your consent.
Thank you.
I have very good boundaries. I am to busy to be run around. They are not getting it and I don't want to have to get ugly.
I don't want my friend hurt.
I do feel very blessed that I am able to help her.
Regardless of what anyone thinks I do this strictly out of love with no expectations of anything in return.
Using a counseling perspective, another possibility needs consideration-->
Your friend might be manipulating everyone. She might be claiming to you that her family refuses to help whilst telling her family that you're a lonely person who is insisting upon helping. Her objective within that family system perspective would be to make all feel guilty while generating sympathy from everyone.
You wrote, "I am hoping to find a way to keep them away from what I do for her." Which presents a LARGER problem, your thinking that she is neglected when she is likely perfectly fine, perhaps pretending to be starving, to visually manipulate you into thinking she is desperate for help, thus far it's working out quite nicely for her, lots of sympathy and free restaurant meals.
Another red flag waving fiercely is shown thru your later response, "I can't walk away from her until one of these bozos steps up. She needs assistance and I refuse to walk away from her needs because her kids are whacked."
Maybe your friend is manipulating you into believing that her kids "are whacked." while manipulating her kids into thinking that you're "whacked." It seems, she is getting lots of attention from the entire situation.
Unfortunately based on my counseling experience, your situation has a VERY HIGH chance of getting worse; typically this type of situation warps into accusations of stealing and/or accusations of some sort of abuse.
In the end you'll need to get out of that situation, which means you'll need to realize that you're the only solution to your friend's situation.
If she needs a ride to a doctor's appointment, she asks me if I will take her. Her kids will call or contact me and tell me that she needs to go to the doctor and I need to get that set up and take her. That is the not their place to direct me on behalf of their moms appointments, talk to your mom, she will ask me if she needs a ride.
I suppose that you can believe that people are all up to no good. I don't believe that she is manipulating the situation. I have been friends with her for close to 25 years and she doesn't have a manipulative bone in her body.
She is a widowed woman that decided that she should not continue driving because she didn't want to have any accidents or hurt anyone and she truly believed that her kids would help her with her basic needs, that's all she was hoping for.
I offered to help her when she told me that she had to cancel another appointment because her daughter forgot to pick her up, she didn't hustle me or manipulate me in any way. She was sharing her situation with her friend.
Thank you for your input.