My mother, for 1 year has had a broken brain. Not really sure what is wrong. Loneliness, depression, anxiety. I am an only child with a wonderful husband that I am protecting from all of this mess, and no children. I live about 10 minutes from my mother. I work about 10 to 15 minutes from my mother. When I go visit her every other day, I spend about an hour and a half with her. Everything is okay I guess. I don't mind physically helping her with anything, but when she starts in on how miserable she is and how lonely she is, it is terrible for both of us. She has outlived family and friends. This once, vibrant woman, who up til a year ago, was mowing her own yard at 86, has given up living. I CAN'T STAND when she starts in about moving in with my husband and I. I try to be nice and tell her that is not an option. She said she is afraid, and I tell her that I will move her to this very nice retirement/AL/NH facility in our area. She doesn't want that. I try to be patient with her, and then after a while, day after day of her complaining, and no matter how many times, I tell her that she is not moving in, she still says it. I tell her that somehow, deep down inside of her, she likes getting me upset. I lose my temper and I say stuff that is not me, but I pray each time I talk to her for God's words to come out of my mouth and asking for patience and courage, and then, I guess the Devil comes out. Any ideas on what to keep saying to her each time she mentions moving in. I have tried being quiet, hanging up the phone, walking outside, crying, cussing, yelling, and NOTHING works. I am not a bad person, who is not acting like a good person. Ideas please. Thank you.
this accomplished the emotional distance b/c I wouldn’t yell at an old person. I would be able to be more patient and repetitive without getting sucked into the crazy.
im sure you have your reasons for shielding your husband, but maybe he can run some interference- if it does not hurt your relationship.
Please take this the right way. You don't have to give up your life to make your mom's wishes come true. I have seen too many marriages and families broken up by a elderly parent moving in. You have to put up boundaries with mom or you'll wind up being the 24/7 caregiver with no job.
I love my mom as we all love our parents or we wouldn't be in this forum. She needs love and care like we all do but you can't ignore your family or yourself. She needs to socialize with her own age group. Church? Community senior programs?
I answer you with alot of experience in this area. Sometimes the answer is no.
You might want to say a little white lie like we are 5rying to get things ready for you. It really depends on how far the disease has progressed.
See if you can take a Caregiver class, the class I took was given through our Elder Option program. They discuss that kind of matter and also ask her doctor.
Best of luck. My mom is a couple weeks shy of 89 and we (includes husband and 2 college aged girls) moved in with her about 3 years ago. It has been difficult to say the least. She is limited in her English and refuses or can't keep in touch with any friends and family. She wants me in the house with her 24/7 especially when it gets dark. Her mind is broken and all I can do is change my behavior toward her. It has taken me a while but I pay for help and when we go away the aide will sleep over. I refuse to be her everything but I am no longer living just for her needs. My brother and his wife have not taken any measure to help or give us a break so I spend her money on her needs. She deserves to be a person and treated as such. It is sad for all involved, but you must do what works for you and your husband.
Blessings
She was sick with a couple hospitalizations immediately. I visited her daily for several hours to get her house set up. When she complained of being lonely and afraid to be alone. We decided to sell her home and she would live with us. She was so demanding and wanted me in her room all the time. She was constantly yelling for me to do something for her or stay in her room even when she was sleeping!
I finally got her moved to AL but she hates it. She has fallen twice, is bedridden, can’t feed herself, wears disposable underwear, placed with hospice and still asks to move back to our house. I go twice a day to feed her. My hope in moving her to AL was for her to have a better quality of life and make friends but that hasn’t happened. She is still alone most of the time. Nurses come in to bring food and medicine. She has a shower aid twice a week. She refused showers at my house. A social worker visits once a week and hospice nurse twice a week. Her health is declining and there is no way I can manage so that is what I tell her. She still begs and pleads with me saying she will do better. It is sad but I can’t give in.
I’m considering a move to a NH where she will have a roommate and closer monitoring. I hesitate moving her bc her health is rapidly declining.
my recommendation is to not move your mother into your home. She would probably want or need more and more of your time. Good luck to you in finding a compromise so you both can enjoy each other’s company. Hugs!
if the appointment can’t be on a Tuesday, my husbands day off I cannot go. I have no social life, I cannot attend parties, weddings etc. my daughters help when they can, but she gives them a hard time. I treat her as a child, they cannot bring themselves to do this.
So my friend do not allow her to move in!
I do do have one relief when we go on vacation she goes in respite for 2 weeks. You don’t know how good that is.
Your mother needs a life and you're the only one that can make it happen.
What to tell her? You tell her that it is time for some form of assisted living so she won't be alone and lonely. It will cost money - but your mother is in need now.
Read all the answers below me one more time - they're all saying the right things.
She thinks moving in with you in the answer.
So she nags to move in.
Result: Both unhappy: you are uncomfortable & Mother is still alone.
If somehow she could see what the real options open to her are - I see them as: 1. staying home with more home help & join more senior groups or 2. move to AL. Probably enjoy the social activities once she got used to it. Option of your place not an option. Choose 1 or 2. Maybe try 1, review, if not right, go for 2. Everyone wins. Mother being looked after. You both have your own lives. Easy. Nope - wish it was...
A third party like a Doctor, Church Leader or other professional she trusts may be able to introduce plan 1 or 2 to her so that she *hears*.
you say she refuses a doctor...I’m going to say she needs one! All the signs and symptoms point to depression, obsessive thinking and likely start of dementia. Based on her past history of illness it’s quite likely. You might just go ahead and make her an appointment, and then give her an ultimatum. Mom we’re going to visit a doctor to help you feel happier and if you won’t go and help yourself, then you leave me no choice but to stop visiting. I can’t take your behavior anymore as it’s stressing me out. Or something similar.
if that doesn’t work, then I’m sorry but you are going to have to distance yourself from her. And like you said when she falls or gets ill enough for a hospital visit, things might change.
My mother refuses to participate in the activities in her building and prefers to watch television ALL DAY. The t.v. volume and 50-year-old programs make visits challenging at times. I go visit her twice a week, but call everyday. It takes two people to lift her wheelchair so we take her out about once a month for shoes or dinner. My physical limitations prevent me from lifting it. We bought a scooter now we just need to get a lift for my car.
I still work and travel for work. I had to establish boundaries.
My siblings live on the opposite coast, but I'm grateful my daughter and granddaughter visit at least once or twice a month as well.
Sounds like a caregiver support group or therapist with aging specialties can help you balance your own needs, learn strategies for coping.
In our situation, we have a social worker who advises and listens and also visits the senior.
Perhaps its time for Dr. Appt. to determine what's up. And a caregiver/friend who can help get your mom out of the house to senior activities.
But she probably won't listen to you which is why I recommend geriatric Dr. appt. where the Dr. can prescribe caregiver visits and activities and let the Dr. know what is happening and that ur mom needs to hear these recommendations from Dr.
One of the best ways to get yourself off that hook is to head out of town for an extended period. With lots of advanced notice, set up a friend or professional caregiver to visit while you are gone. (Of course u meet, vet and your mom meets and vets caregiver in advance. )
We set up caregiver and computer teacher and friends to stop in so she was never lonely...worked great. We were gone 4 weeks.
Interrupting her daily rut with new people and new routines can help. But a medical diagnosis might be in order before you do this.
Im often surprised that elder care/assisted living homes don't conduct more outreach to area seniors. i.e. events/activities for local seniors to interact and meet. They would make friends with residents and then want to move in with their friends.
It takes a long time to transition an elder to caregivers or new living situations, so expect a year or longer transition time. The longest sell in the world...lol.
Good luck! Let us know how it goes!
So, take your mom to visit some places.
When she starts her "I wanna move in with you" bit, tell her NO.
No is a complete sentence.
You have told her that she cannot move in. You have told her that she can move into assisted living. Go tour some places. That will ease your stress to have a couple of facilities selected as a prospective future home for her.
Ask for extra brochures. Let her look at them at her leisure. Trust me, they all want your business. Hate to put it that way, but the caring for elderly is a huge business! When I went on several tours they never let up with inviting mom and I to lunches, dinners, parties, all types of functions! Hopefully your mom will join you. My mom never wanted to go anywhere, not even to the senior community center.
Best wishes to you and your mom. It’s a challenge!
And I'm always picturing Mrs Muir calling out "Captain?" with a puzzled look.
Once you know facts you can make better decisions that are more realistic and compassionate for her. I'm an only child also. My mom's been single all my life. I get it. Good luck!
spend less time with her, but make it trips to the senior center. Then, start leaving her there for full days...pick up at end of day, so she is eating lunch there.
once you can get her involved and meeting people...I think you might find the resistance fading with time. But, she will have outings, and save you time too...instead of spending 1-2 hours with her...it is just drop off and pick up once you get her into that routine,
I agree with Dolly..........tour some ALs, pick 2 that you like, and take her for a visit. Let her pick one and that's it. She's not moving in with you so that's not an option no matter HOW much she carries on. Here ARE the options, mom: AL #1 or AL #2.
She'll probably enjoy AL living!
Good luck!
You say she has a broken brain. This is often what people say about dementia patients.
Since you keep having the same conversation over and over, you have to plan ahead and decide how you're going to deal with it so that you don't get upset.
No, mom, I'm sorry but you can not move in with me. I agree that you should not be living here alone anymore. I think it's time for you to move into an assisted living facility where you will not be lonely anymore.
Don't argue, don't get upset, stay matter-of-fact. Take her to visit some local facilities.
How about a local senior center, etc.? Day care facility so she has people to be with for the day??
She remembers everything so I really don't think that is it. She won't go to a doctor, etc.
You say that you are trying to protect your husband from this. Is he not supportive of you? Of your Mom? Because I understand that he may not want her to move in with you, but I don't understand that he cannot support you and speak with you about how hard this is on you. That is part of what a husband and wife do, support one another.
I think one reason this is so difficult for you is that you are not recognizing and accepting that everything in life cannot be fixed, that to some things there is no good answer, that you are a human being with limitations, not a Saint. Saints end shot through with arrows, and spending eternity trying to fix everything for everyone. It is a hopeless task and a bad job description.
Recognize that there is nothing you can do. You ARE doing what you can do. Give the options to Mom as you have already. Gently repeat them. Change the subject. Your Mom should be evaluated for depression, and for dementia, and you should get paperwork in place to act on her behalf in the future.
Sorry. Wish I had answer. Wish I had them for you, for me, and for all of us. But some things are just painful, and without a perfect answer. That's life? Am I right. On any given day, that's just life. It is so very painful to hear someone say "I am so afraid" and to feel that you SHOULD/you COULD fix it. But the truth is that you cannot. Sooner that you can accept that in your own head, the better. So very sorry for all this pain.
She is worse in the mornings. Hard for her to get going, and that is when she mostly starts with all of the complaining. It is less as the day progresses. She doesn't sleep much. Just lays around ruminating. My father died with cancer 15 years ago. He was sick on and off for 28 years of my life. I was use to him having health problems. My mother is physically healthy, except for weight loss. It is just her brain. Sometimes, I wish something would happen, not too bad, to get her to the hospital, so I can get some help for her.
Anyway, thanks for being a listening ear.
Could you call her primary doctor and just let them know your concerns? If you're not on your mom's authorized list, they cannot divulge info to you about mom's chart, but they can make note of info that you give them.
As far as what to tell your mom, you might just say, (when she talks about moving in with you), "You know I can't do that, but I am here to help you now." Then maybe try changing the subject or turning on the TV if there is a program she likes to watch, something that might help distract her from thinking about that.
You are definitely not a bad person. It does get frustrating when they get fixated on an idea or thing, and it just repeats over and over. It's because they're afraid, but still doesn't make it easier to deal with. My mom used to get fixated on things too, and sometimes distracting her did work, at least for those moments, and then inevitably I would have to try it again. Hugs, hang in there and remember to take care of you too.