Spouse has been going through alot since September. Doctors have been doing everything they can to try and save his foot. He had partial amputation 5 weeks ago and needs to go in for more debriedment surgery next week. I understand his frustration but he is so angry. Nothing I say helps. He is kind and talks nice to everyone else but lashes out at me. He wants to send terrible texts to our children which I have been able to stop but I'm afraid he will one day and then that will wreck my relationship with them. I'm pretty much alone in this since I have no friends or close family other than kids, and husband will not let me tell them everything that is going on.
Why do you have no friends or close family? Has your husband always been controlling and abusive to you? What kind of texts is he sending to your children that will wreck your relationship with them?
It might be good for you to practice minimizing your contact with him. At least for now. Nothing you say helps. You're right. You are just reminding him of his frailty. And you are the easiest target, since you are closest to him. He probably takes you for granted and assumes you would never leave him alone, no matter how he treats you.
If you are bold enough, start meeting with a therapist. This can help you find perspective in your life and provide you tools to protect yourself from emotional damage.
When I first saw the headline of your question, I thought I would answer with asking his doctor about medication to control his anger. But, after reading your story, I get the feeling that is not a helpful option here. I sense this has been an imbalanced relationship, with your husband holding all the power, and you having none. Or thinking you have none.
I also think you should tell your kids 100% of what's going on here. Not only for support, but to stop with toxic secret keeping this bully of a husband demands from you. Tell him to stop disrespecting you or move out. Part of caregiving is an understanding that mutual respect is shown between the parties. He's lucky to have you, yet he's spitting in your eye? I don't think so. Man up now and deal with your issues, buddy, or we go our own separate ways. That may sound harsh, but it seems like DH needs a big wake up call here.
Please realize you matter too. Your husband has a problem, yes, but instead of dealing with it he's lashing out at you, his only support system. That's wrong and hurtful on every level. You need to work together as a team to overcome this obstacle so you can get to the other side stronger than ever. It's up to HIM if that happens.
Best of luck to you.
The have to get proactive. You have to outline your boundaries with him. He won't respect them so you're the one who has to defend them. Don't be a pushover. You don't deserve to be treated that way.
You tell him that the second he talks to you in a disrespectful way that you will walk out of the room, and not help him further until he sincerely apologizes. If he is a repeat offender even after apologizing, then he is either not sincere or he has dementia or a personality disorder or depression.
"Your ongoing inappropriate treatment of me and the kids leads me to believe you are depressed over your health challenges. You need to call your doctor to schedule an appointment to talk about medication for your anger and aggression and get help. I'm not going to continue to be your whipping girl and will leave, or you will leave, so make a decision. I know what I'll be doing if you don't get your anger under control. You MAY NEVER treat me like that for any reason."
But then you MUST follow through with this. Walking away from his angry mood will train him to some degree. How old is he? Is he old enough to have the beginnings of cognitive impairment? Has he ever been tested for this?
You yourself need to get your legal and financial ducks in a row to protect yourself in case things gets worse. The only person you can control is yourself. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.