What is your screaming point?

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What is your screaming point?

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My mother tries my patience on a good day but I usually manage to stay calm....failing that I go to my car or garage and scream
Today is a scream day. Firstly she doesnt want me to go out this afternoon for something I have had planned for 6 months. I will be out 90 minutes and providing she goes to the toilet before I go and they lays on the bed no harm can come to her.

So 10 minutes after me reminding her we were having lunch at lunchtime she decided to soil herself royally, followed by the words you cant go out if I am like this all day. Now if she hadnt added those words they would have come to me all on my own but BECAUSE she added them I started to wonder.

Then she said she felt sick and didnt want any lunch - but when I came in very quietly (OK yes I was spying) there she is stuffing her face with biscuits and cake which I leave by her side. She has been awake just over 4 hours and I have been in to speak to her chat wash clean her soiling clean the room 14 times which I think is pushing your luck really.

So what has she just done? Asked for coffee so I made her a latte just as she likes it and she now wants sugar in it - has NEVER taken sugar in anything. Then there was too much coffee in the cup - its dispensed mum it is always that amount.....well its too much Ive always thought so

I could see her fidgeting so I said lets get you across to the commode mum. I dont need to go there ...well I think you do... wasnt gonna happen. I came back in 5 minutes later and despite her reluctance I got her up and here we go again she wet and soiled herself in front of me. You wont be able to go out this afternoon you'll have to ring and cancel.

As I count 1 to 10 and find it needs to be 100000000000 I count to now.
Hmmmm OK lets try my theory. I went out of the room and 'made' a phone call. I know she could hear what I was saying because I was stood right by the door and I spoke louder than usual. When I finished my call, I waited a while then went back in. And what did she say. I feel much better now you could have gone after all

I havent told her yet but I havent cancelled I spoke to the phone not to anyone the other end so at 5pm I AM GOING OUT SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM

Whats your screaming point?

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A new screaming point today. I have to go have an breast ultrasound today. They found a small spot last week, so scheduled an ultrasound to see what it is. Stressful enough, right? Well Mom chose today to flush something down the toilet that backed up the sewer. I don't know what it is. It all is defeating me. Stress on stress on stress.

I told my brother she was getting worse last weekend. All he said was, "I'm sorry to hear that," like he was sympathizing with me about my mother. He couldn't care less. No help coming from there.

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BTW, I got the sewer cleared. Yea! Now if only the ultrasound gives good results, the stress will be down.

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((((hugs)))) and prayers about the ultrasound, jessie.

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Ultrasound was fine. I had a feeling it would be, since I didn't feel anything. My mother was relieved when I got home and told her. She said she didn't know what she was going to do without me and how she would take care of the rabbit. She said she had become dependent on me, so didn't know what she would do if something happened to me.

Oh, okay. I guess that is a way of saying I'm needed or appreciated. :-/

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It is, JessieBelle, only in a way that makes you shake your head and smile. "But what about me?! - if something happens to you."

And the rabbit, of course. Nice to know she spares a thought for poor li'l bunny?

She'd miss you if you weren't there, and now she's said she knows it. That's good!

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She went on to say that if something happened to me, then she guess she would have to call my brother. I told her that she wouldn't be able to stay with them -- the house isn't elder friendly -- and they wouldn't come stay with her. I told her there were a lot of senior homes, so she shouldn't worry about what would happen to her. I think she actually took a little comfort in that.

I took the opportunity this week to write my will, leaving $10K to my rabbit for whoever will give her a good indoor home. I considered leaving everything to her, after I thought about how "helpful" the rest of my family has been. She actually deserves it more than they do. My bunny's my buddy. But I divided everything but the $10K up between my brothers.

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$10K! That's... "an awful lotta lettuce..." :)

Rabbit's an heiress! She'll be swamped with gigolos and fortune hunters!

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I didn't literally scream, said said how stupid it was, a lot, and felt like screaming, so maybe this counts! Took my dad to see a surgeon today after a urology CT ordered for other reasons picked up an aneurysm. The surgeon was to see how urgent this needed attention. Well, %*~#, the surgeons office was far across the city from my dad's, add to that his office had a crushed gravel parking lot (know how well a rollator works in crushed gravel, not well!) Finally get my dad to the door only to find a super long ramp to the waiting area! Of course we find a bathroom halfway up said ramp, so there's a stop there, then continue up the ramp, fill out mountains of paperwork, and sit for 45 minutes (he slept for that part) When we see the surgeon he tells us that he has NO pics from the CT and so can't really tell us anything! But he suspects what's being seen is an old, long ago repaired aneurysm that just still shows up as an enlargement on CT. I asked how stupid this whole process could be to send us there and him be sent nothing to look at or go by. He just smiled and said no worries, he'd get the CT pics and call us after he looked at it. Just unreal! No concept on how hard this whole afternoon was! No idea of how stupid it is to send a frail old man to a useless appt that just wears him out. Screaming point, yes!

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Daughter, I'll scream with you on that one. ARRRRRGGGGHHHH! Wish you could send him a bill for your time.

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Jessie if I take the bunny will I get the $19K as well?

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$19K!! Oy, inflation in such a short amount of time.

Really, $10K isn't all that much to leave for a pet. Food, litter, and vet bills can cost a lot. Vet bills for exotic pets, such as rabbits, are very high. I have insurance on the rabbit, just like insurance on myself. It will only cover about half the bills if she gets sick, but that definitely helps.

Speaking of insurance -- Last month I had my own policy that cost over $1K a month that proved to be worth nothing. It was with bcbs. I went to the doctor last month and had blood work and a mammogram. Insurance denied both claims. The lab the doctor used was out of network and this policy doesn't cover screening mammograms. So I was out over almost $1.1K!! This was my first claim in two years. Made me wonder why I threw all my money away. Grr.

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Sorry Jessie that was a mistype.
My daughter is a vet so bunny would get the best of care.
Does she get on with cats?
Just did our taxes and found our medical care costs about $900 a month in out of pocket expenses, and that is with Medicare and a supplementary.

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Daughterof1930, complain in writing. What kind of moron designs a *doctor's* office car park that is inaccessible for people using wheelchairs or rollators? They could at least lay asphalt walkways down, surely.

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Or do what I do. Drop your father at the door, then go find a parking place. That's what I do with my mother. It makes things a lot easier.

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When my brother with ALZ says, "No," to the need for a shower, the dreaded 2 all over him & everywhere else. I am helping him to undress & he is not wanting any of it. Once in the shower, needing assist, there is resistance. He is touching the 2, it's all over places it shouldn't be. I'm concerned for him, aware of health issues. I know everything else is cleanable, to be addressed after I help him, my main concern & priority. I know I can't reason with him, he is unable to comprehend the need for a bar of soap or washcloth these days, what to do with either. I do what I can with promptness, the best I am able. I succeed. I don't scream, I vent to myself. I know all is the best it can be, he is clean, dressed, eating, content, all forgotten. I know I must take a "time out" for me. I do & give a sigh of relief.

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That has to be hard -- caring for a brother, blessings. We never know what lays in the future for us. I know it takes a lot out of you. Big hugs.

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My screaming point is, the woman I work for has the worst hygiene habits, yet takes any suggestions as criticizing. I've been trying to sanitize just about everything she touches during the day with wipes, but nowwww, the new habit is touching the food as I am cooking it, which literally turns my stomach. I'm smart enough to know that this is all part of the roller coaster ride, but this is just so gross. She is a very difficult woman, and has refused all of my cleanliness suggestions, accusing me of making her feel like she is a dirty person. Ugh it's a no-win situation. Excuse me while I go somewhere and scream.

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Years ago my parents took care of my father's mother. This grandmother was a wonderful person, but she only spoke very broken English and my mother found this to be very stressful although she never let it interfere with her care or her disposition, it affected her health for a while afterward. (My father would have to do the "translating" when he returned from work.) Now that my mother, who has always been somewhat of an "interrogator" has memory loss so severe she has to ask the same questions several times, has difficulty hearing the answers, and forgets and asks again. It is very stressful, and I've occasionally thought of reminding her what it was like with her MIL and hoping she will let up. I type up sheets of information for her, but sometimes it just leads to additional questions. If I could just convince her that I'll type out what she needs to know, it would help a lot. I think this is starting to affect my health even though I am with her (at the nursing home) only about 2 hours a day about 4 or 5 days a week.

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The arguing for the sake of arguing. My mom will contradict herself several times over so it doesn't make sense but the goal is only to disagree with me.

The playing helpless. When it's her fun day at the senior centre she can do many things on her own and is quite self sufficient. The rest of the week she plays helpless and acts incapable of the smallest effort.

Pretending not to hear me. She does it with this smirk that says screw you.....grrrr

The worst is the drama queen. Overblowing a simple situation and talking to me with sentences so dripping in sarcasm that I need a towel. I had asked her to please drink her glass of water before I went downstairs so I know that she did it. She got this nasty tone and said why don't you just get the garden hose and shove it down my throat. If it had not been winter I would have brought the hose up to the kitchen, laid it at her feet and asked her to please sit down and hold on.

I see that these things are nothing compared to some of your experiences. Kudos to you. I hope I will carry your strength as time progresses.

Note to self: find safe place to have the screaming meemies.

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Years ago it occurred to me that life would be better if every house had a small room, perhaps the size of a medium-sized closet, with padded and soundproof walls into which one could go, close the door, and scream, swear and pound the walls, and then after about 5 minutes or so just walk out "renewed"!!

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I'd like to narrow my original answer to this: Mom forgetting to take her medicine correctly or at all. I know she truly has touble remembering so I've tries to make it as simple as possible for her to achieve. It's important to heve the meds spaced out and taken regularly and I am not always here to hand feed her.

I have a tray on the table by her chair specifically for the days intake of water, meds, vitamin supplements. There are 4 water bottles labled with the day and time to be taken. There are 2 daily pill cases with the corresponding day/time. A powdered supplement is premeasured into a small container that sits onto of a glass that too, is labelled date/time.

I made a sign that is on the cupboard door above the microwave with medicine time reminders. I placed an alarm clock in the kitchen and in her bedroom that are set to go off at the 4 medicine times (8am, noon, 4pm, 8pm).

After work I can look at what's left on the tray and tell exactly what she has taken/drank or not. Sometimes she drinks the water but no meds. Sometimes she takes pills from one case but not from the other. Sometimes she missed it all although I can tell she has sat right beside it during the day. It's color coordinated so she doesn't even have to read it, just take things with the matching label together at the same time.... forget what time? ...on the label. or when the alarm sounds.
sigh....She did it again tonight, missed her 8 pm pills again.
And yes, I wanted to sream.
I don't know what else to try.

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Mojorox...

Um. As a rule of thumb, any process that takes you two paragraphs to describe is not going to be one your mother's declining brain can cope with.

Depending on your schedule, you will need to reorganise her px into a regimen that you can give her morning and night; this needn't be that difficult, many medications are available in a modified release formulation so that doses can be given less frequently, so ask your doctor or pharmacist.

If there is a medication that must be given during the day when you aren't there, you will need to arrange for an aide or a kind neighbour to give it.

But yes this is the screaming point, and also the point where your mother can't do it any more. No matter how foolproof the system.

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Countrymouse
I understand what you are saying but the process described is done by me. Mom needs to match yellow with yellow, green with green, etc and the items are placed at her spot at the table on a tray with nothing else. She does check the day and time listed and that is also there for anyone else you may need to step in for me and is unfamiliar with the routine.

Prescription pills are in morning and evening slots. Vitamins and the like are noon and afternoon. She complained of the amount of pills at a time so I split them up further. If she gets 8am and 8pm then we're doing OK.

I set the alarms so she doesn't have to worry about remembering or feel bad about forgetting. It helps anyone at home to check on her at that time as well.

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Reading this has really put my life into perspective. I came here because my 86 year old mother has memory loss and is almost completely blind and drives me crazy with telling the same stories over and over and asking the same questions over and over. She also picks and pecks at me most of the time. I can't do much right. After reading what other people are going through, my life is easy by comparison so I will not spend time whining and complaining. At least my mother doesn't have bathroom problems and can keep herself reasonably clean. God Bless all of you who are carrying a heavy burden. My prayers are with you.

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Dear Goldfish,

I have to echo your thoughts. I wish I had found this forum when my dad had his stroke in 2013. It is overwhelming and lonely being a caregiver. And so many things do try our patience. And yet after reading so many stories, I, too, found some perspective. It was much needed. I am grateful to all of you for being so honest.

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I feel too beaten down to scream. I knew that I was in a bad place trying to juggle the physical and emotional realities of caring for my mom and I reluctantly decided to place her in long term care. It has only been two weeks, and while I do feel relief after laying down that burden I am soul sick at the h*ll hole that is her new home.

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This is nothing compared to some of you who have already earned your angel wings.
I feel bad as I type this because we can only visit my mom once a week and I still want to scream at times.
She is in stage 5-6 Alzheimer's and I understand her limitations. I get the repeating questions (about 25 times an hour); how old am I?, etc. but the constant negativity really gets me. "They (the caregivers) don't like me and they treat me badly." (Not true-they treat her better than I would!) I tell her we could move her to a new place but she might not have a private room. She thinks about that for a minute then changes her story. The place she's at suddenly is OK.
"They don't give me any medicine", but I've seen her take it and literally forget 30 seconds later and rip them a new one because they "steal the meds". She's always the victim. (Part of the narcissism).
I have to leave at that point to not scream. No possible way we could live together. They would have to carry me away to a padded cell.

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SueC1957, I can certainly sympathize! I get very frustrated by my mother's asking so many questions over and over again, and then forgetting the answers and asking some more. (She has always been sort of an "interrogator".) Each time I visit I have to tell her the day, date (including month and year), what day of the week it is, who is president and for how long, whether my sister is at home, where I'm going, how old is she (herself), how old my sister and I are, and then whether she is in good shape for her age. Her being hard of hearing makes it even worse, and I find a couple hours with her more stressful than just about any work day I've ever had! She had a bad dream a couple weeks ago, and I have to keep explaining to her that the situation she dreamed didn't actually happen. However, I'm fortunate that she is not combative, suspicious or narcissistic, and she gets along well with the staff.

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I hear all of you & feel sorry for all of us! Yes we do witness "old personalities & behaviors," these are just that, "old," not going anywhere. Unfortunately notes, hanging up signs, even alarms, don't work either. Begging, reasoning, pleading with anger or tears are useless as well. ALZ, dementia and most memory impairments will do this to our loved ones. We share their agitation & frustration, sadness 24/7. I see emotions with my brother, yet he is unable to voice them these days. He can't tell me what he needs, or, what is wrong. It's nice to watch him get simple tasks right, to hear laughter, see him having a good day or moment. Yes, guilty of complaining I am, part of my coping I guess. It's ok caregivers to feel, love & caring are forever! Blessings 🌸

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Your day sounds just like mine...my mom always finds something she wants, wants done differently then she did or constantly "telling me" to get her this and get her that..I too tell her it's time to go to bathroom and she says I don't have to or I already went..I have to go and push button on left chair and say U R GOING TO THE BATHROOM...9x out of 10 she's already gone...her explosive diarrhea is the worse thank God for bleach...She was in NH for rehab (my mother can walk sometimes staggery) on her own..my sister was at NH and made her get up to go to the BR nurse saw my mom walk and said "She can Walk?" ..I asked her if she pushed her call button for the nurse yo come help her go to bathroom yo which she answered "I just wait till they come change her room partner and they come change me" I said so u just lay there in your own filth and she just said "why should I do it if they can it's late and I don't want to get up..makes me think what the h***am I trying to take care of her when she's too lazy to get up and go even when she needs to...I understand where you're coming from..I don't have s place for screaming so I just go out and walk it off around my yard...I think if I screamed I would never stop....so it's 5:40 in the evening..she's had break. Morn pills showered dressed brushed hair fixed had lunch and afternoon pills she just finished dinner so now I can eat shower and take my morn meds put on clean PJ's as I've had these on all day and hopefully wash dry fold and put away clothes before sh wants her two bowls of ice cream an she has her meds put her in her PJ's..give her her meds and put on her depend pad doubler liner and another heavier liner with a diaper and rubber pants for the nite and hopefully that holds all the urine overnight if not it's washing bedpads and bedclothes and pj' again tomorrow...it never ends...I HATE what I have become in the process of caring for her..I feel I am hateful full of resentment and no patience..I'm sorry we're all going through this...at least we know we're not alone and I try to think it won't last forever...one of us has to kill over first..

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What is your screaming point?

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