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My husband and I have been married for 40 years. His family welcomed me and have been wonderful to me and our children. His sister and her husband are the only family left for him and they are in obvious decline. They will be 79 and 78 this year, have no children, and no one close to look after them. My brother-in-law has significant dementia and my sister-in-law is showing signs as well. My husband has advanced Parkinson’s Disease which also comes with dementia and I am his primary caregiver. Fortunately we have stay-at-home adult son who lives with us which has enabled us to stay in our home and I am still quite sharp mentally and physically. I am doing what I can to help my in-laws but they are resistant to many of my suggestions and insist they are fine and don’t need anything. They totalled 2 vehicles in a month, haven’t filed taxes in 2 years, do not have a will or POAs, have not had my BIL evaluated for memory and cognition (SIL believes he’s going to ‘get better’), believe someone is coming into their house when they’re not there and stealing jewelry and killed their dog, and now admit that the gun they hid under their bed is missing. I urged my SIL to notify the police about the missing jewelry and gun but she hasn’t. I strongly suspect that they simply cannot remember where they hid their valuables; their dog was old and died in her sleep overnight on their bed. I am very worried about an unsecured gun in a house with a mentally impaired Vietnam vet who has flashbacks of the fighting. I feel like I should alert the police but am worried that my SIL will be angry with me and may not ask for needed help in the future. What should I do?
Anxious in PA

Call their local police department and let them know about the lost firearm, and then ask them for suggestions. Call their local aging council and/or adult protective services and let them know what's going on, and ask them for suggestions. After that you may still be stuck in a waiting game, but you can use your time wisely to read around on here about what to do when a crisis eventually comes.

Even without a POA or being their direct next of kin there's nothing stopping you from showing up at the hospital when one or both of them ends up there and telling the hospital social worker what's going on. The hospital can't tell you their information, but they can listen.

The only thing you don't need to spend any more time on is worrying about upsetting them. You didn't worry about upsetting your son when he was three and wanted to run into the road, and I'm sorry to say this is the same kind of thing.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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The overriding issue here is that they are in danger and their safety must come first. SIL may get angry, but the result of taking action may be that she gets the help she needs right away. That's important. At this time, you're waiting for something to happen, and at that time, it may be so bad that she doesn't recover, or he doesn't recover, or both don't recover. How would you feel then?

You may be able to get help from the VA. Call the VA office in your county. Ours is located in the county courthouse. They can advise you, fill out forms, and make it easier to get help and perhaps financial assistance. They'll want to see BIL's DD-214. It is a form showing dates of military service and manner of discharge. If you have access to their home, you may be able to find it on your own. It would likely be with other military paperwork. Make a copy and return one of the copies to their home. They don't need to know because you don't want SIL to get her panties in a twist because you're helping. (If he already gets help, medical care, etc. from the VA, no need to register him, just call them and explain the situation.)

I wish you luck. Keep in mind: safety first. Your relationship with them: second.
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Reply to Fawnby
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You cannot worry about any resulting bad feelings as a result of your attempts to protect your brother and sister in law. They are in denial because they lack the ability to competently analyze the situation.
Not only are you protecting them, but anyone who has the misfortune of being on the wrong side of an automobile accident or a gun incident.

You are asking what you can and should do. I think it may be worth a call to the local police, since your in-laws feel that jewelry and gun are missing and may have been stolen. You can explain to the police that you suspect they have cognitive impairment. Hopefully officers will search the house for any weapons and make a decision on how to handle it for the resident's safety. You could also call Adult Protective Services to investigate.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Maybe ask for a wellness check by the police and at that time tell them about the gun as this is the moral and ethical thing to do to keep the officers safe. Report your in-laws to APS until they are assigned legal guardians who will then manage everything (and will probably transition them into a facility). Why are you worried about your SIL when she isn't even worried about herself or her own husband? She is obviously impaired. If she accuses you just deny it and suggest it might have been someone else (a neighbor, the mail carrier, etc). Then don't do anything that will enable them to continue as is so that APS gets the full picture of there situation.
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Reply to Geaton777
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I would call Adult Protection services. Tell them that both need to be evaluated. You are caring for your husband and cannot care for them too. They have no children. The State will need to take over their care.

I have a BIL and SIL who maybe in the same boat someday. They are 80 and 81 and still active and in good health. But...your good until your not. It will only take a bad fall to change their world or an illness. We are 79 and 76 and live 18 hrs away. So no help there.
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RedVanAnnie May 15, 2026
They have at least one child, the OP's husband!
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This is not an uncommon situation. You are willing and they are resistance. I suggest you contact Adult Protective Services (APS) in your State and let them guide your family members to a safer and supervised location. APS will not reveal who made the call and should discuss the caller's concern for their well being. Since they are not willing to admit their decline to you, they may with a trained professional. You are a good sister in law. Hang in there and get the help and support you need!
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Reply to GLDavis
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I disagree with what an earlier person said "If you really care, you will pay for it". Absolutely not. You save your money for your care, and don't get sucked into paying for theirs. Call APS.

I don't know about your state, but in Washington State specifically
Washington has a formal process if you feel someone is driving and they should not be (due to dementia):

Anyone can file a “Driver Evaluation Request” with the DOL.
The form asks for:

What you observed
Why you believe the person is unsafe
Your contact info (anonymous reports are not accepted)
Once submitted, the DOL can:

Send a medical form to the driver’s doctor
Require a re‑test
Suspend the license immediately if the doctor reports significant impairment

Maybe APS can do this so your name is not on the form...???

Best wishes.
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Reply to michelle7728
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They will be resistant.
Important to have in place now:
* All legal documents / needs so you/r husband can make arrangements as needed.
* Talk to MD. Get diagnosis in writing for legal needs / documents.
* Hire an attorney (specializing in elder care needs) to discuss options.

* Do not 'wait' for them to agree. They won't. Then you end up waiting for an emergency 'need to do / scramble now' situation. Don't leave it to that point.

* Understand that he/they will 'always' insist "they are fine" and you/r husband need to find ways to work around their cognitive decline as they cannot make decisions in their best interest.

This 'is' dementia - - - Expect them to be upset, mad, etc., if / when you make arrangement to care for them in ways they are unable to care for themselves.
- no one wants to change
- no one wants to admit they are confused, if they even know it
- everyone wants to maintain their independence until the VERY end

Realize it ISN'T ONLY THEM in potential harms way, they could kill others if they are driving. Clearly, they need their DL revoked and no cars. And, cause serious medical issues to themselves at any given moment (don't wait).

Get that gun out of the house. Why hasn't this been done already?

Contact:
* ind medical social worker to help you figure this out and make needed arrangements. You need support on how to proceed.

* Ask APS to make a house call (call this number 1-833-401-0832 and when prompted enter your 5-digit zip code to be connected to the Adult Protective Services in your county)

You need to also take care of yourself 'now' and moving forward. This situation cannot wait.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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Before you get the police or the county social workers involved, engage a geriatric care manager to do an in-home assessment for function, safety, and to do a dementia screening. Tell the loved ones you have asked for a professional to come and meet with them to assist in their efforts to age-in-place, safely, and to save money by avoiding a possible catastrophe (a fall, hospital visit, etc). If you really care, you will pay for it. The first sign of dementia is not memory issues; it's poor judgment. Denial of impending doom is a recipe for catastrophe.

If you get APS or the police involved, you risk losing control over the situation. That is a reactive, not proactive strategy.
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Reply to Lifespancm
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Slartibartfast May 14, 2026
They already have NO control over the situation. They need to turn it over to an agency who might be able to help.
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I’d alert health care vulnerable people in the house and need help and you are worried about them as they’re getting delusional and not functioning properly eg taxes
or speak to charity
I’m not sure at this stage I’d mention the gun although I would have a hunt for it and if I found it remove it from the house asap
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