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Towards vstefans thank u very much for ur support n help.
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N I have my own apartment. I don't live with her. Haven't for 5 years.
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So I've read through this thread and trying to figure out the situation.

Chef, you live in an apartment with two small children.

Your GM helps you out financially.

Your Mom has some kind of difficulties (currently? Past problems?)

Your GM has taken care of your Mom for years?

GM needs help but is in denial and you are very worried.

To what extent are you dependent on GMs financial help?


If you would fill in the blanks people would be glad to offer advice. Personally, I don't see any magic or easy answers. There is more going on here than can be resolved with a quick fix. Getting GM to a doc may be next to impossible until she has to be sent to the ER or you have some bad ass friends who can physically subdue her and haul her off and that's probably a really bad idea.

I suggest you hang around the forum, give some more details to questions people are asking and don't be so touchy with folks. I'm not seeing any insults or slights to you thus far. Take it one step at a time. Piece together a solution. Don't like someone's responce? Then ignore it. Someone has an interesting thought or suggestion, talk to them.
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Anyone else seeing a familiar pattern to the trend here?
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Hopeless You are clearly not coping and that is perfectly understandable. most of us on here haven't coped at one time or another if we are totally honest. Changes in our elders are bewildering and wilful behaviour such as your mum is displaying just adds to the misery. She does need to be checked as others have said because if she has a Urinary infection it will get worse and she could be very very ill (or worse) - they don't get better on their own.

You do need to try and see her viewpoint (not easy but try) She probably had a very different vision of her retirement and now she is living in this unwanted work she is actually quite angry about it and is looking to pass on the blame. She is also probably quite cross that she is no longer as fit as she once was and she probably hates being dependant on anyone for anything, she sounds like she was a strong woman....which probably means she isn't handling frailty that well either.

If she does have dementia ad I do so hope she hasn't but if she does you will need to get some serious advice. people are right when they say you need to keep your children away from toxicity - it isn't good for their development to hear you being denigrated.

You may need to consider doing some job sharing with a mother Mum so you could share the childcare arrangement which would at least give you an income and start you on the right path.

I know you wont leave you GM and that is an admirable trait but you need to know so much more before you make that sort of commitment - it could go on for years, it is harder than any job you will have ever had physically and emotionally. Take advice, read widely but first get yourself straight and up an running - for only then can you be totally impartial.
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Sorry error Grandmother not Mum in second sentence
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I know you think that my advice to you (about getting a job and supporting your children) was harsh...and I guess, in a way it was...but you are in a bad situation and as I see it you have a few choices: 1. Continue the way it is and bear the brunt of your GM's hostility, 2. Talk to social services and find out if you qualify for day-care and other assistance, 3. Look for a job that you can feel good about! I happen to love to eat out and many chefs make my life so much ha
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(sorry about the break, again) happier, as I enjoy their skills VERY much. It is a true gift to be able to make great food. Once you have removed yourself from this situation, by b
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by being employed, taking care of and loving your children in your own place...you will feel so good about yourself. It is a wonderful thing to know that YOU are the master of your own destiny! That YOU can and do take care of your children. They need the security and peace only you can give them. Please don't expose them to GM when she is angry and bitter. Your children are counting on YOU! Blessings, Lindaz.
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All other issues aside, this definite change in behavior not just toward family but towards strangers as well indicates to me that there are medical problems. She needs to see a healthcare professional. I suggest a naturopath, but if necessary a regular allopath (MD) will do.
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She might NEED to have this problem to PREVENT losing herself. But your friend was right, you should make arrangements to move. You cannot subject yourself and your child to abuse
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Reading through this post and the responses made me anxious. HopelessChef, you were asking for solutions but possibly you just wanted reassurance that you weren't to blame? No one is 100% to blame for any situation that he or she is in, at any given moment, but we are all responsible for our own happiness. Many of us are in a situation opposite to yours, where we find ourselves looking after the elderly people in our lives. You are incredibly fortunate to have a grandmother who cared enough to help raise you, and who now helps out financially. I understand that you don't live with her and are only asking her for help when you need it; it sounds like you're doing what you think is best for your children. Still, you should never take your grandmother's help for granted. This doesn't sound like dementia to me, but it could well be depression. Perhaps grandmother needs a hug, and some unconditional loving? But if, indeed, she has become abusive as a result of some medical condition, then you and your aunt (i.e., her sister) should talk to each other, to see if you can support her in a positive manner and encourage her to seek help. Punishing her by removing yourself and her grandchildren from her life would be sad, because it's possible that she just needs a break. It sounds like you're all going through a rough phase, and she needs your support now. If you want to thank her for everything she's done so far, now's your chance!
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Hi Chef, you said there are other people using your grandma for babysitting, who are they? They maybe able to help you. Nobody was being harsh here, when I read your post I thought the same thing, maybe grandma is sick and tired of people using her, maybe it has made her bitter after all these years. You could talk with her and ask her if it bothers her. I'm sorry about your children's father, but you need to get back to work because it is not fair for you to use your grandma's money that she may need for her own care. I'm sure after you are supporting yourself it will make it easier for you to approach your grandma about her condition. What is wrong with your mother? Why isn't she helping you? I would be very upset about that, if I was grandma. Sweetheart, these are nice people on this site, they are trying to give you honest advice even if it stings a little...
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Why is grandma needing to care for your mom? Maybe grandma has caregivers burnout from that.
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Get your grandmother to a neurologist to have her assessed for dementia. What you have described are symptoms of this disease. Try to remember how she once was, for she is not responsible for the changes in her behavior. Do it soon.
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You can't force your grandmother to get help for dementia, but you do need to find other living arrangements. Share a house with a friend or look into subsidized housing and food. Let your grandmother retire from all this stress.
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I hope that you are still reading, ((((HopelessChef)))), and big hugs to you! You sound like a responsible and caring young woman who has already accomplished many successful endeavors, and also weathered some hardships which many people older than you would find very difficult. I commend you for leaving your partner when he became involved in a lifestyle that wasn't healthy for you and your children, and seeking refuge at home with your family, as most people would. I am sorry that it has turned out to be less than the safe place it once was, but please do not let anyone, including you, lay the blame for that on yourself.

It sounds as if your grandmother is going through some changes that are age related, and personal to her. Getting a job and moving away might be the easiest sounding solution, but it seems like you would still be deeply concerned for her well being and would remain involved in her life, as well as your mom's. You asked for help in understanding what she's going through, not a lecture on your choice to not take on a full time job at this time.

I've been struggling to understand and help my father cope with undiagnosed dementia for about ten years. He didn't start out a nice man, and has always been bitter and controlling. Sometimes dementia makes a nice person mean, or a mean person nice. In his case, it just made him grumpier and less able to keep track of all the crazy stories he's always made his reality. He lashed out more and more at his family and everyone else around him as he's felt his control over his own mind slip. Lying, complaining, and cursing at traffic was normal for him, but definitely got worse with age.

Many older folks get very grumpy as things that were once familiar become strange, and routine tasks become difficult to figure out. Your grandmother may be starting to see her world in a new and frightening way, and people going through this often lash out at those closest to them. Try not to take it personally. That's the best advice I've gotten from others who have gone through it.

My dad has always refused to believe that there is anything wrong with his mental state or abilities, so a proper diagnosis has been impossible. He passes the short, standard dementia tests doctors give him with flying colors, even now that he can't figure out which side of a spoon to use to pick up soup.

The other day, a new doctor gave him a 20 question dementia test during which he held up a pen and asked Dad what it was. Dad answered that it was a ballpoint, and the doctor smirked smugly at me and said he had no dementia. A few minutes later, after the doctor had left, Dad rolled over to me with two ballpoint pens in his hand. He asked me what they were, and told me they were some kind of tools that a guy at work had ordered too many of, so he'd given these to Dad. Dad has been retired for 15 years and his work is 2000 miles away, yet he insists that he goes there daily. When I explained that they were pens, he looked at them again and shook his head, insisting they were tools. So much for tests, and doctors who don't know the patient and see their daily behavior like family does.

Personally, I would not expect a proper diagnosis for your grandmother any time soon. If she decides she wants to seek professional help, that would be best, but it sounds like she isn't ready. Brain scans (EEG, MRI) can help pinpoint Alzheimer's, but aren't as good at diagnosing more subtle types of dementia. If there is a physical cause, such as vascular problems, early detection would be very helpful, but most kinds of dementia don't have a clear treatment at this time. Unfortunately, any treatment or coping strategy depends on your grandmother's willingness to admit what's going on first. Maybe in time, when it effects her more acutely, she will come around to that, but I would encourage you to look at what you know and draw your own working conclusions for now. Maybe more information will come to light later.

There are dementia tests online that are meant for caregivers and family to take regarding their loved ones, rather than for the person in question. You might try going over some of those with your mom and see if you can come to a consensus on what you're both seeing in terms of behavioral changes in your grandmother. Knowing that you're not the crazy one, and these things really are happening, may be of some comfort. Also, it may help you create a baseline for her behavior now so you have something to compare in the coming years. There may come a time when you and your mom need to help her understand that she isn't safe to drive anymore, etc, and laying out the patterns over the years may be helpful. I'd suggest writing some of it down as you go, maybe in a journal, if you can keep that safe from her curiosity. Remember that you're doing this because you love her and want to help, not because you're trying to point out her faults or put her on the defensive.

Try to create boundaries for yourself, which is easier said than done when you love someone and have seen better times with them, I know. Take some time for yourself every day, even if it's just a for a walk. Try to see the humor in it if you can. My dad would make a great sit com character, and if I can distance myself from his antics at little bit, they seem really funny. Sometimes, he laughs with me despite himself.

Good luck! Remember that it's nothing personal. If you were not living with your grandmother, she'd be ranting at the cashier at the grocery store anyway.
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Hurry, get out of that house ASAP! Get a job anywhere. I know it's hard. But as soon as you can get out of that house , the better for you and your child. You have to be selfish sometimes. Your life will over before you know it. RUN!
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People, the OP states that she has her own domicile, and that GM sometimes poo ays some of the rent.

I also believe the OP has left the building, so to speak.
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1) She may have the beginnings of dementia so you may want to have a doctor evaluate her
2) She may be depressed due to carrying the burden of so many for so long
3) She, like me, may have just reached the point of being DONE...downright angry and resentful of the responsibilities that have fallen on her. Due to her age, she may not have the ability or desire to hold those feelings in anymore..she may feel like now should be her time to be able to relax and enjoy life without having so many depending on her. I am still able to curb my anger when I deal with my mom's ongoing issues and tell her how I feel, but in a rational, civil way. But there are times I'd like to scream at her because I am just so TIRED of the constant demands from her and would like to be able to concentrate on my family and ME without the inevitable interruption of whatever her issue of the day is.
Just food for thought.....but always worth a doctor's evaluation.
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I was told by Moms neurologist when asked about nastiness in a dementia patientwho was nice before, that they were able to cover their nastiness up before the dementia. People who are really nice before Dementia usually are when they have Dementia. You don't say how old GM is. To me this sounds like a sudden change. Dementia starts slowly. You need to have her evaluated. There couldbe a number of problems. May have nothing to do with Dementia.
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Sweetie...like the others, we are not here to knock you down... But there is an old saying "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Step back a little & put the pieces together. We are here to give suggestions
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