I'm caring for my elderly neighbor until her son gets here in December.
It started with small things, but she fell and now I'm taking her to doctor's appointments and picking up groceries at the store. I really don't
know her but she has gotten attached to me. She keeps telling me that
she will still need my help after her son arrives because he has to work.
I've hinted to her that caretaking really is not my thing, that I'm only doing it because she needs me. I had planned on assisting her until her son got here, but somethings telling me to exit now.
That's hard to do when she's hopping around the house because she can't walk. She doesn't have the money to hire help, so she gives me what she can. And she is grateful.
Did he actually tell you that he’s moving back in December?
Has he been an active part of her life in the last 3 years or so but Covid out a halt to that?
or are you hearing this from her?
As others have posted, there lots of seniors programs as your in a bigger city. (Also it’s good for you to yourself know as there may be
things youd like to be involved with) Before she fell and injured herself, how did she manage? She had some sort of community interaction before you. Church, Sr program, neighborhood association, old friends…. How did she manage before relying on you?
Barring that, she is probably, lonely, and likes your company, hence the taking to appointments and grocery store trips.
After the pandemic is over, maybe she could look at Adult Day Care. This would get her out of the house for a few hours; some even offer transporation to and from the facility. Good luck
I think you could turn this situation into something positive and long term though, by building up her confidence and letting her know that you can offer advice, but not physical assistance on a regular basis. She very well could feel alone, and desperate (I've experienced that), so moral support will help her adapt to a new dimension in her life. Consider your role one of transition if that helps.
Is there a good senior center in your area? If so, contact them and find out what they offer. The one in my father's area is outstanding. There are 2 small buses available for regular grocery trips. The charges are typically nominal, something like $2 or $3 per trip. If I recall correctly, they still provide transportation for medical appointments as well.
Small buses in my experience are equipped with wheelchair lifts, and drivers are trained to assist those who need to bring their wheelchairs.
Anyone who's "hopping" b/c she can't walk needs something like a rollator, which to me is safer than a walker. The next time you take her to a doctor, raise this issue, either in person or by writing a note to the doctor and ensuring that when she checks in, the receptionist is given the note for the doctor.
I can't recall if we got a rollator with a script, or whether it was out of pocket.
Hopping is dangerous, so I'm thinking that she could also benefit from handholds (grab bars) throughout the house. This would involve installation, by a carpenter. This is when you can reach out to see what governmental support might be available.
After reading others' comments on the son, I wonder if he really is coming, or if she believes he is but he's not. She mentioned he'll be working; is he transferring b/c of job obligations, or to help her, although apparently she's not anticipating that much support from him. However, I think it's easier and more emotionally comfortable for a woman to rely on another woman as opposed to a man, especially if it's not her husband.
I agree that this situation needs to be addressed, and very delicately, as you don't want her to feel abandoned, alone and desperate. I've been there; it's not a destination I'd choose willingly.
I'd also contact the county to see what's available; they often have broader options than the AAA. In my area, that's the situation, as the AAA has terminated its support of caregiver expos, and is focusing more on their stay at home programs, for which they offer their own services as opposed to contractors.
Other options:
State:
https://www.kdads.ks.gov/
https://kdads.ks.gov/commissions/home-community-based-services-(hcbs)
(Is she getting Medicaid?)
https://kdads.ks.gov/commissions/home-community-based-services-(hcbs)/programs/frail-elderly
Sedgwick County:
https://www.sedgwickcounty.org/aging/
Available services:
https://www.sedgwickcounty.org/aging/available-services/
Supplemental food service:
https://umopendoor.org/food/commodity-supplemental-food-program/
Transportation:
https://www.sedgwickcounty.org/aging/transportation/
(In my area small bus services are quite reasonable: If I remember correctly, in 2019 they were $2.50 per trip).
Senior centers in your area:
https://www.sedgwickcounty.org/aging/senior-centers/
Senior support through the Volunteer Program:
https://www.sedgwickcounty.org/aging/rsvp-volunteer-program/
If she's a Veteran or Veteran's spouse, there may be other options for her as well.
I think you're wise to plan an exit, but do it in a way that leaves both of you feel satisfied and comfortable with your exit role.
Does she have a computer? Can you set-up automatic grocery delivery for her? What about prescription delivery? You live in a major city - Wichita - and I googled "senior citizen transportation Wichita" and found Hire Senior Transportation in Wichita on the care.com website. It says the average hourly rate for drivers is $14.50.
You need to start stepping away and establishing healthy boundaries with your neighbor. Her needs are only going to increase. Her son may never show up and she's expecting your help even after he arrives, if he ever does.
Learn to say something like: "My schedule is changing in August and I will not be available to help you as much I have been. I want to help you set up grocery delivery and senior citizen transportation. I've taken the time to get information about these services for you." Then hand her a list with names of services and telephone numbers.
Sometimes, needy people get pushy. Remember that you do not need to explain yourself to her or give her any information about your personal life. Just be firm that she needs to avail herself of these services. A month is plenty of time to transition her.
LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!
If her son hasn't figured out something already for his mother, then he's not in any rush and, as others have said, may be in no rush to even get there by December.
You can see how mission creep has already happened. It's only going to get worse.
I like the idea to offer to take her to one doctor visit/month and help her to arrange for grocery delivery. And guard those boundaries carefully, as it seems she will want to push them so that you are doing more.
How old is she? Is she able to use the computer to research things, order grocery delivery, etc?
It would be great if you could talk to the son.
You are doing such a fine job... Either The Son turns up, is ever grateful, takes over as you morph back into neighbour or friend.
Or
You are doing such a fine job... He doesn't need to rush. Wait, did you say December??? Or come at all. 🚩🚩🚩
https://www.cpaaa.org/services/seniors
Get in touch with these people, outline the situation, and then firmly but kindly hand your neighbour over to them. Build your boundaries now.
I am glad you have made a new friend. I am glad you have been there for her during these first stages of her increasing dependency. I hope that the two of you will grow in friendship, until and after her son arrives (which is another topic, but definitely not your problem).
But it is inappropriate - in spades! - for her to see you, an unqualified, unrelated person with no particular aptitude for the caregiver role, as her support plan for older age. Nip it in the bud. If you do that by signposting her to *much better* alternatives, you can put a stop to her wilder ideas without hurting or offending her or risking further problems ahead.
I think you need to have a sit down with her, now.
" I am happy to help you set up grocery delivery. I can take you to a doctor appointment once a month. Other than that, I can't offer more help. Here is the number for the Council on Agjng. Let's call them and have them come out and see what help they can offer".
Best nip it in the bud sooner rather than later unless you want to do this the rest of her life. There are plenty arrangements that can be made for her to get any help she needs that do not involve you.
what a sweetheart you are. Yes mothers always want everyone to know their chosen one “has to work”.
Sometimes it is easier to just go along with the part about her needing you after her son comes and It’s a long time until December. Since you are taking her to the doctor does she appear to have insurance?
Have you been in communication with the son?
You might call the Area Agency on Aging in your county and ask them to come do a needs assessment. Perhaps neighbor would qualify for some benefits to help you both out. You could call or ask her to call or give the number to the son.
Perhaps she would qualify to go into rehab for her injury? That would get her help and give you a break. Here is the link.
I know I’m telling you how to do more but the more might be just the ticket to ascertain sons intentions. It’s the middle of the night so more responders will be along in a few hours.
https://www.cpaaa.org/