My parents are nearly 80. They are very abusive to each other. My father drinks and my mother can be controlling. They both say each other is abusive. I really don't know who is telling me the truth anymore. They will not move or sell their home and I have no room at my place for them to stay. I have suggested to come and stay a few nights so they can have space but they so no. Because of privacy I cannot speak to their doctors about the situation and I have also had the police out and they had put in some referrals for counselling ect but my parent's refuse to move out of the home or do anything about the situation. When I go and visit them, soon as I sit down they both start on each other and try and get me to take sides. Today I lost it, as my dad said mum went into his room and slapped him a few times and his nose was bleeding and she said she didn't slap him. I couldn't take it anymore and said she is going on about it all the time and needs to make a decision and move out. I Picked up my bag and left. I am going through alot of my own personal issues with someone that is an alcoholic and understand what she is going through but we all at same stage need to take responsibility for ourselves. She sent me a message to thank me for not caring and listening to someone that Is in a abusive relationship. I really don't know what else to do. I'm totally exhausted with it all.
I have done this in the past.
You can send a letter, or try to speak in person or over the phone. I would suggest a letter, as it allows you to include specific examples of events and why you are concerned about them. Include how much Dad is drinking and whether or not he is still driving.
I'd stay out of it, and if it comes to violence again, call the police and let them handle it.
You say you've already had the police out - how it would violate their privacy to speak to their doctor but it's fine to call the police I don't quite understand, but seeing as I don't agree that there is a violation of privacy anyway we can let that pass - so I suggest you go back to the same police and request a referral to their domestic abuse team.
But you can't expect miracles, and especially not when alcohol is a factor. The police will do what they can, and may request support from social services for them too, but no agency has the power just to walk into their house and break them up.
As you say, your mother is able to take responsibility for her own wellbeing (and her own actions too - it's impossible to be certain in the face of a he says/she says situation, but I wouldn't dismiss your father's account altogether). At the moment she is choosing to blame you for not caring and not listening, and she's choosing that option because it's easiest and doesn't require her to do anything except feel even sorrier for herself. It's childish and unhelpful and you should feel free to tell her to cut it out; but at the same time present the options to her in black and white. Give her the right phone numbers to call, support her in finding alternative temporary accommodation, help her take advice from properly qualified people (social workers, lawyers, Citizens' Advice just for example), but do not accept blame for a moment.
Tell them to behave. If they start up with abuse while you are there, leave. Any violence or you are worried about the safety of one of them, call authorities.
Tell them you are considering reporting them to authorities.
Tell them if they wish to separate, they should. To get on with it.
But do not let either of them move in to your place - temporaility or permanently.
You are not inside their marriage. Keep it that way.
There are two options you could consider.
First, tell them that as soon as either of them starts in on the other you will leave. You will only come back if both of them apologise to you for making you so uncomfortable by airing their dirty linen in public. Apologising doesn't include sending you messages blaming you for leaving, which is what your mother just did.
Second, reconsider the ‘privacy’ aspect of talking to their doctor. You can say anything to their doctor that s/he is prepared to listen to. However s/he can’t talk back to you about it (although might ask you some questions). The privacy rules mean that information from them can’t be shared with you, not that you can’t tell the doctor. It’s shameful and embarrassing, but it might be in everyone’s best interests.
I think that the only behavior you can change is your own, in what seems like a rock-solid habit. Best wishes for your sanity, Margaret