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My heart goes out to you. You are the one caring for her, doing a wonderful job, they are not involved in any way except to criticize. The absentee caregiver who know it all. Easy to say don't let it bother you, almost impossible to implement. Keep a journal for 1 week of everything you do for her, everything including cooking, cleaning, re-cleaning what you just did for whatever reason (bathroom usually cleaned at least once daily, sometimes as much as 4 times a day) then send them a bill. Other suggestion, buy them matching bullwinkle moose sweatshirts, send them to them. Rockey and Bullwinkle show, Mr. Know it all. They may not get it but you will. Would make for a great mother's day present. Good luck to you, it's not easy and it's not going to get any better with people like them. Try to avoid contact with your toxic siblings, that's what I've been trying to do with my 2 SIL.
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Unfortunately your siblings made their decisions to be absent long ago.

Your mom will not defend you for fear of offending them, stopping the infrequent contact. Have you talked to her about her complaining to them?

You may need to explain that you can't continue to do everything for her and deal with their harrassment. Something's gotta give. Maybe tell her that she should be grateful you aren't treating her like they are, but if she is so unhappy with your care it is time to figure out other arrangements. It is okay to tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and is causing them to behave unacceptably.

With your siblings, your best bet would be to laugh and say, yep, seems like there is no pleasing her nowadays. But you know, she would love to have you come stay with her for the weekend. When can we expect you?

I try to use humor when dealing with ignorance, when they are being armchair caregivers try imagining them giving a speech to a large crowd, only they forgot to put their britches on when they left the house, or put on 2 different colors of shoes, really anything to amuse you while they try to get rid of their guilt for doing nothing to help. They are randomly shooting spit balls at the hole in the dam, while you are diverting the water, rebuilding the dam and trying to conserve the fish and wildlife all while complying with city, state and federal regulations. They must feel really ineffective and most people will attack trying to distract attention from themselves when they are not doing things they know they should.

Try to take what they say as just that, justification for their lack of help.

You are doing a great job, you are there when we all know how easy it would be to pack a bag and run away.

There are always other options, you may have to be creative but please, don't let any of them treat you poorly because you feel like there is no alternative. There is.
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You're welcome for listening. We all have our different variety of challenges while trying to care for our LOs. I'm glad that you feel even a little bit better!
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I'm of the opinion that mom complains to the siblings about you, her caregiver, because she has absolutely zero contact with any other things in her world. They simply hear what she says and don't realize that her world consists of the four walls and YOU. My solution: you place her in a care home so that she can have contact with other people besides you. You can continue to serve as her driver, but she will have a social life and other people to complain about.

You can't change other people, but you can change how you react to other people.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2019
You are so correct. I wish I could convince her to go to local senior center. Even just for lunch. They do offer arts and crafts, bingo, etc. Her answer is always that she can’t go because she is too tired. I’m sure at 93, I’d be tired but I don’t think I would like be lonely. She doesn’t seem to mind being alone as much as I would.
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It certainly can cause bad feelings to not be appreciated for all you do. Thankless work, in many instances. BUT, you are doing a wonderful thing for your mom and you should keep that foremost in your mind. Many kids can't/won't be caregivers. And unless a person actually does it, there is probably no way for them to understand what it's really like. So, maybe you kind of have to forgive their ignorance and know that it is certainly not an unusual situation. Be proud for doing what you're doing.

Try not to let it hurt you. Rise above it cuz it's pretty doubtful that things will change much. You can only change your reaction what comes your way.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2019
Yep, you are certainly right. I agree with everything you said. Thanks for listening to my feelings. It helps to have an ear to listen and lift me up when I’m down and remind me of the most important things in life.
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There r others who wil, chime in. Has Mom always been like this or only since her illnesses. You know Dementia and Parkinsons go hand and hand. It seems that the caregiver is never appreciated. You need to stick up for yourself. Seems you won't lose anything. Tell them they have no idea what its like caring for someone 24/7. Tell them if they think they can do better, they can do the job. If they don't want it then shut up.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2019
Oh boy, I have said that to them. I’ve said, “You don’t understand what I go through on a daily basis”. Their response is that they look at me as if I have two heads! They are clueless and treat me like the crazy one and act like I shouldn’t complain.

I tell you, they wouldn’t last a day doing what I do. Mom would be in a home. Sad part, she doesn’t have money so God knows what type of facility she’d be in.
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