Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I think a lot of us have come across this one. I keep my siblings updated so they know what is going on with our mother. I know that I am telling them warts and all, so that they understand what it is like at this end. I do it partly for them and partly for me. However I would not accept any critical feed back. After all I am dealing with it at this end. If they want to come up here and sort it I would willingly hand over the reigns!
In fact they don't complain, I think we all learnt a thing or two after going through this with Dad.
It is always easier to judge from a distance, especially from a less tired distance!
I would tell her that you don't appreciate critical feed back and depending on her response, make a decision on how much you want to communicate with her.
Be transparent with other people involved too. You should not take orders from her, she is your sister not your manager!
Stay strong and good luck.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

It seems to me tha tyour Sniffy Sibbbling wants to have Rule from her Roost while Ruling Yours over There with NO CARE. Ignore her and just politely fill her in on details of what you do and eleaborate on this but no Sarcasm..Don't feed the chicky anything tha tyou know she will COUGH UP in your Face. She is a Disgrsce.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Beatty Apr 2020
Love your style - don't feed the chicky... will COUGH UP in your face. LOL 😆
(3)
Report
There are 3 sibs in my family too and in the last 2 years since more help has been required my husband and I are doing 99% of the work. Both bros live 3-5 hours away from Dad's LTC and I'm 9 hours but I'm also the only daughter and POA so I've grown accustomed to going this alone. (obviously a different scenario considering there is no care required for a home)
Funny enough one year ago today was the last time I was in touch with my bros or their families. I tried to keep them up to date but found there was always criticism (and I was told by SIL that all I do is complain). You know what I realized? The criticism was the only way my control freak brother knew to communicate about the situation. It's hard to watch parents slip away (we lost Mom to dementia in March 2019) and I think his way of dealing was to be critical. He certainly didn't want to do the work but in his opinion knew a better way for things to be done.
In your case I think I would continue with weekly emails but keep the details to a minimum. You've got enough on your plate, you don't need to be aggravated by someone who isn't in the trenches with you. If your sister starts asking for specifics in the future perhaps it's best to say 'I won't bore you with the details' and if she becomes insistent get your other sister to be the person that emails updates. Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Do your own thing and keep a journal. Other than that, tell her you don't need unsolicited advice. Trust me, it only gets worse with siblings. Even the ones you think you can trust, will turn. Have fun with your parents. Take lots of pics. Laugh a lot.
Do what you're doing from your heart and for your parents. Not for your siblings. I feel bad for you because of this...I know that feeling all to well. When you're a caregiver, you want to please everyone. That can't be the case anymore. When everything was said and done, everyone was scrambling for pictures, etc..for the service. Even tho I had a billion pics, that kind of stuff didn't matter to me at that point. I was 'ok' because everything I had or needed was literally in my heart. All the memories were right where they needed to be. Strange, never had b4 feeling to have. Good luck. Keep your head up. Always.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Davenport Apr 2020
Because I saw a therapist weekly, her detailed notes about what was going on are the equivalent of a full record, if/when they go full-on ugly after mom is gone. Sad, but I've grown up and have accepted that humans can be just plain mean, and go on to live my best and highest self.
(1)
Report
I only inform my sister with medical issues my mom has and she always has a wierd response even then. We live about a mile apart.

I never tell her if we need something or anything about daily life. As it is, when she visits she always says we argue like an “old married couple.” Not very helpful and discounts any issues I may be trying to deal with.

Right after I’ve texted her about something the doctor has told us, she says, “make sure you check with the doctor first.”

I never respond. I’ve done my duty.

charlotte
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

It may be a way for your sister to feel she is in control. She clearly is not. She should say to you. Thank you for everything, your doing a great job.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2020
Wonderful response! When I was the full time primary caregiver it would have meant the world to me just to hear a simple ‘ thank you.’

Thank you for pointing this out to others 💗.
(6)
Report
See 1 more reply
I want to keep both of my sisters in the loop, so to speak, so when the day comes there's no "plausible deniability " so to speak, especially with my middle sister who tends to be dramatic "I had NO IDEA mom was that bad, no one told me!" sort of BS...
As far as being given unwanted "advice " if it were me, I would tell MIA middle sister, bluntly "you can complain and offer advice in direct proportion to the amount of care taking that you actually do".
But that's me and my relationship with my sisters. For YOU, you need to do what is best for you..and then not allow guilt to eat at you for the decision you make. Previous posters are so correct, it's so easy to be that back seat driver. Do what will make this terribly difficult job of care taking just that little bit easier.
Good luck!!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
kdcm1011 Apr 2020
Yeah, my oldest brother — who also lived 600 miles away & was “too busy” to even call Mom once a week — was the dramatic & nit picking one, all the while leaving Mom’s care to me, my sister, & another brother. I finally had enough & told him he had no idea of the hour-to-hour challenges we faced & if he had nothing positive to offer, we weren’t interested in his so-called advice. Of course he was mad at me for saying it so bluntly, complained to the other 2 who told him the same thing but maybe using different words,

family!
(0)
Report
See 2 more replies
Good morning,

I have a “Dis Sis too. She was constantly micromanaging me while she lives a plane ride away and currently hadn’t visited in two years. She tells people I don’t do enough! When I pushed back four years, she stopped speaking to me, doesn’t returns text messages and recently wouldn’t come to the phone. I was told she didn’t want to talk to me. My mother plays the devils advocate. I decided not to be her puppet and do everything myself. As I was anyway. God bless these people. They should be grateful for those doing what they won’t/can’t or whatever do! Good luck! It’s a hurtful no win situation.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Flowerhouse1952 Apr 2020
Thank you
(2)
Report
It's easy to be a backseat driver, isn't it??! Does she have a valid license for that?? This kind of reminds me of how my Dad behaved towards me after my mother died. They had been divorced for 45 years. He was no comfort to me at all when she was diagnosed with dementia/Alzheimer's, and when she died about 18 months ago, he didn't even send me a card. Afterwards, he kept pecking away at me about how I handled her obituary and her grave marker (which he had not helped me with at all at the time).

I finally put my foot down about six months ago when I went on my yearly pilgrimage to visit him. I said HEY! Stop backseat driving my decisions about my Mom's death. You didn't offer to help me at all for the four years I did everything for her. You don't get to say anything right now; so stop it! And he did. I think he couldn't believe that I had it in me to say that to my own father, but I had HAD it!

She will keep being the backseat driver for as long as you let her, and it might even last until after your Mom's death, as it did for me. Or, she will swoop in at the last minute to "save the day" and try to take over everything at the last minute. As an ICU RN, I have seen siblings using the parent as a pawn for control in tragic situations. One time the POA from out of state flew in and took Mom off life support, only to change her mind 45 minutes later and have Mom transferred back to our facility and back on the tubes. It was insane! Siblings crying and screaming at each other and at us.
To sum things up, at least tap the breaks a bit as others have suggested; hopefully, your sister will get a little figurative bump on the head. Either pick up a pan and start cooking, or get out of the kitchen, Sis!!
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Beatty Apr 2020
*Either pick up a pan and start cooking, or get out of the kitchen, Sis!!*

YES - I Love that 😆
(7)
Report
So you are dam'd if you do (picked at) & dam'd if you don't (complains).

+1 broad strokes/minimal info to 'Dis Sis'. Even wind back the emails then let them dribble to a stop & see if she even requests them. (Write a journal or blog for yourself instead if it helps you).

I was sending updates to my 'Dis Sis'. Seemed to only get auto replies back: Glad she is doing better/lots to think about/that's interesting. So I did a little experiment. Less updates with less details - same replies. So I just stopped updating. I have not had one enquiry. Not one. Sure she can phone herself (& does occasionally) just to hear "I'm fine". No mention of latest fall, medical tests or carer's stress levels. I believe that how she wants it. They're all fine & I'll just carry on. It's a very passive way of not stepping in or stepping up. Yes it made me angry too but trying to let that pass & lowering my expectations down to zero to avoid future disappoinent.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Davenport Apr 2020
My experience EXACTLY EXACTLY! Lower expectations to zero = no disappointment or hurt.
(1)
Report
My suggestion would also be along the lines of a brief weekly email (eg 'no real news this week'). If sister complains that she needs more information, write ‘It’s difficult to explain the details of how they are and the care we give them. It would be better if you could visit more frequently to see for yourself’. Keep a copy of this, and just repeat it frequently.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

What will be most important in the future is for all three of you to forgive each ones shortcomings and love one another like sisters should. Is there any reason the "distant" sister can't talk to mom and stepdad on the phone once a week and let them talk about what happened that week. Some people can care for the elderly and some should never be left alone with them for an hour! Maybe the anxiety and stress that she hears from her two sisters is so frightening she just hides from it all. Unfortunately, it can go on for years but, hopefully you'll be closer in the end.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Flowerhouse1952 Apr 2020
We have suggested distant sister call mom but she doesn't. She's too busy telling us about her golf games, gardening etc.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
I wouldn’t send her emails anymore. F that. Let her call you and then, like JoAnn29 wrote, keep it brief. “Went to the store, went to the Dr, we could use some help, hope you will come help this week. See ya I gotta run.”
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I have a younger and older sister. My older sister had a stroke and we both have been trying to help her. My youngest sister is out of state and she asked me "Why haven't you said so and so...."

As nothing is going to change my older sister - except herself doing what she has been told by doctors - she always 1)complains 2)never changes 3)has critical spirit

My younger sister is "Know It All". I tell them both "I don't want you all in my business - so I'm not getting into your business." Yeah! Now, they are working together and respecting each other.

I really appreciate all the helpful answers you have got. Please - all that is important is that you do what you can, when you can and do it because of love and honor. Let what she says "Go in one ear and out the other - without anything getting stuck inside."

Often in life, the person who complains and offers up free advice is the one who is not experiencing what others are. Interesting how when it happens in their own lives, their attitude changes. Hang in and don't let go.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Thank you all who responded. Your suggestions relieve my mind that I'm doing the right thing. I'll cut out the small stuff and if things change with mom and dad then I'll let her know. Thank you again all for your wonderful support! (((HUGS)))
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

I see it this way, you tell her too much. You don't have to tell her every little thing.

Once a month just say "things are pretty much the same, appts and shopping. Took Dad to Dr on the 25th and Dr sees no change (or he does) Mom seems to be holding her own"

Be honest with sister, she is nit picky and you have no time for it. Let her cop an attitude. Your on the front line. You are the ones doing the work. Tell her to visit more often while parents know who she is.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
Loen210 Apr 2020
JoAnn,
Perfect reply (in my eyes). Thank you.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
I wouldn’t bother emailing your sister if you don’t want to. Is your mom asking you to contact her? If she is, tell her that you are no longer going to be her messenger.

As far as her ‘helping out.’ Talk is cheap! Actions speak louder than words and she has proven that she will not be doing an equal amount. Don’t hold your breath waiting for it to happen.

You are not going to convince her of anything that she doesn’t want to do. Maybe speak to your mom about hiring outside help or possibly entering a facility after this heath crisis is under control.

I will echo that rarely is caregiving split equally. That would be fair and perhaps a miracle. Most do not have that set up.

One idea is to send one last email to notify her that you will not be updating her any longer. Let her take responsibility for gathering news.

If you are upset, that’s okay. Even therapists will point out that it is normal to get angry when it is justified. In fact, it is more healthy than to excuse her cruel behavior towards you.

Honor your feelings, then move on. Don’t get stuck in that place. Don’t hold a grudge. Just go on with your life.

Do not allow her to steal your joy. That is what a person that ‘picks’ wants to do. They want to push your buttons. Don’t let her do that. Don’t feed her any ammunition to attack you with. If she chooses to attack anyway, you do not owe her a response.

Personally, I would totally ignore her if you know that speaking to her would fall on deaf ears. Why waste your breath? It’s great when healing occurs but it isn’t possible in every situation. You’re the only one that can assess this.

If you feel a need to speak and don’t want to hear her foolishness then write her a letter. If she writes back, you can choose to read it or throw it away.

Isn’t it usually the one who does the least that complains the most and they also take credit for doing more than they actually did. You know the truth and that is all that matters.

Remind yourself that she insults you and doesn’t care much about your feelings. That may give you a push to limit your contact with her or detach from her.

Best wishes to you.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I vote for saving yourself the hassle of emailing her. When she complains, say something like "Dearest distant, I've decided to take a break from the computer. My doctor says I need a break." You do not owe your sister any explanations.

If you don't want to stop emailing altogether, certainly stop with all the detail you provide her because you are giving her the ammunition to nit pick at you. Ask yourself: "Is this something distant sis needs to know?" What's the point of telling distant sis that dad forgot his wallet again? Do you really care what she would have done?

If you're going to continue with weekly updates, go broad strokes e.g. "Dad's foot doctor says everything looks good. Mom's appetite has been good this week. Sis and I cleaned the kitchen and bath yesterday. Take care of yourself." And ignore her when she nit picks. Just go grey rock: "The grey rock method is a practice where an individual becomes emotionally non-responsive, boring, and virtually acts like a rock. Emotional detachment serves to undermine a narcissist's attempts to lure and manipulate, causing them to grow uninterested and bored."

Your distant sister does not have the right to do nothing and complain about how you and your other sister are doing things. That's some sense of entitlement distant sis has!
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
DILKimba Apr 2020
Excellent advice. Exactly what I was going to say. Broad brush updates, no specifics.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
I am very sorry, agree with PP, that burden is rarely shared equally, but I can understand that LD Sister (Long Distance) is very unappreciative of you.  Any time she tells you what you should be doing, or implies you are failing, just tell her you need more time/help from her, and she needs to spend time with your parents.  Don't let her criticize you without telling her SHE needs to do more and what she says she will do or would have done is irrelevant because she does next to nothing.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Davenport Apr 2020
Y'know, it never occurred to me to reply to distant sis' 'reply' e-mails, which consisted solely of simply highlighting items in my update e-mails with her criticisms (the more details included in my update, the equal # of highlights with criticisms). I just ignored, nursed and nurtured hurt and anger that never left, but grew. I wish I'd read your suggestion to write back and say "how about you come here and do it your way for one week a month? I can really use the help and would really appreciate it."

P.s., I did respond once (early on) about the gall of criticizing while otherwise being completely unwilling to provide any emotional or tangible support whatsoever. It was like spitting in the wind, the ol' tree falling in the forest but no living being is there to hear it.
(1)
Report
It's OK to ramble, probably feels good to SAY what you FEEL and we aren't going to judge you.

Families caring for their parents is fraught with difficulties. What you experienced with your dad is so typical and 'normal' You learned that you need to be more on top of dad when you take him shopping, to drs appts. Make sure you have eyes on the prize, as it were "Dad, show me that you have your wallet, ok?" And make sure that YOU see he has all the salient documents before you leave the house. Sheesh, that kind of thing happens to my absent minded DH ALL THE TIME. He walks out the door in the morning and I know he will be right back, having forgotten something--like his wallet, or phone.

As far as sister coming to help every so often, gosh, just be GRATEFUL for any support and help that you can get. Most people are on this site complaining that we cannot get siblings on board for ANYTHING. Ok, her cleaning may leave a lot to be desired, but she's trying.

My brother and his wife washed my mom's windows about 10 years ago, and I did them again about 3 years later and she kept telling me that they had 'just been done'--no, they hadn't and I knew it. It's not a hard job, but I was really grateful that my brother had stepped up with his wife to do it. (Once, in 20 years) Mother spends most of her day watching the world go by and her windows will get so dirty. I clean mine about 10 times a year (in fact, today would be a good day to do them!)

You can continue to email sis about what is going on and continue taking her criticism or leave well enough alone and not talk about mom's care. Sounds like it just annoys you. Continue doing what you do and let 'not here' sister do what she does and just don't talk about it. She's not likely to change and so you have to.

If I let myself 'go there' with mom's apartment, I get crazy. I want to have at it for two days and deep clean it. This will NEVER happen as she wants everything she has and more. So, basically, she's hoarding and there's nothing I can do. Plus, every time I have tried to do ANYTHING to 'help her' in my estimation, I get in trouble for interferring. I just quit.

I know I used to try to email the sibs weekly about mom and none of them cared. So I quit. She lives with YB and his family, she has good enough care. Not good enough by my standards, but she's as happy as she is going to be and I am done trying to bring her SOL up to my standards.

You don't have to email sis. It sounds like a really negative thing to be doing, you don't get pats on the back, you get slapped in the face. Decide which seems 'better' to you.

It's really pretty rare to find a family that actually takes the CG burdens evenly and calmly. You're not alone!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter