My mother has antisocial PD and dementia. I was on the bed, reading when l could hear mum trying to get in with her keys. Then a mystery sound. What was she doing? I opened the door and asked what she was trying to do to my lock with the lawn clippers. These were pointed at me and 6 inches away. I immediately closed my door. She proceeded to hit them on the door. Luckily it is covered with a metal plate. Well it is the weekend here down under (Australia) and no one much is available to help. So l called the local police. Part of my reasoning being that l want to nip this behaviour in the bud. Often times PD types will actually respect authorities. They were great and they did have to list it as family violence and we are referred to the 'Orange Door'. They will contact us. I am interested to see what support they can offer, should l be in this position again. Yes it is the first time she has done the physical thing. I think l have done the right thing and moving forward remains to be seen. I was really amazed at myself, that l didn't hesitate.
"The antisocial personality disorder that mum has been diagnosed with is something that me and my family have encountered all of our lives. It has components like grandious narsissism and anger. I've been (always) careful not to get her into any rage states. Dad and l were what is known as 'supply' where she outs her behaviours onto us. Essentially she has no empathy or respect for me. So there has always been psychological abuse. Recently, after moving home to assist her, 8 years now l have had to learn a lot. I have access to Carers Gateway. Our government pays for this and so l have had counselling, coaching and support to do gym. Also our system has provided me with visits to a psychologist. I have lots of work to do with this at the moment.
Anyway, back to mum. I live in a bungalow out back and she does not have a key for my place. She is a bully and threatening person who believes that she did not need to knock or call out. The clippers incident was a rage. Normally she is verbal and this is the first time she has used a tool. I see what you mean by a dementia reasoning for her. Either way l did the possibly right thing by both of us. No one was hurt. My counsellors have mention l need to express boundaries with her.
The Orange Door is a great organisation for supporting families and they are certainly not punative. I know this as l have referred families when l was a kindergarten teacher.
Mum is who she is and no others could even come close to the way l can look after her. I believe that as she wants, she deserves to live in her home for as long as she wants. Of course she believes that she can be fully independent, but that is her grandious delusion. She often reminds me that l am the only one who cares about her. This true."
How well informed, determined, giving, and exceptional can she be? I am amazed. I think she should write her own book so I can stop recommending to all Liz Scheier's memoir --Never Simple.
Your Mom needs to be placed IMO. We have a couple of members from Australia. Hopefully they will chime in.
For me, if your mom has severe dementia, I don't understand why she alone and locked out of her home with a set of keys--then so confused she was using the clippers.
Is it typical of her to mistake tools in this manner due to her dementia?
I also don't know why you feared her.
To me it would seem normal that if mom mistook clippers for keys, she would have them pointed at you when you suddenly opened the door, as well as they would be near you because you two were face to face when you suddenly opened the door.
In these same circumstances, with no history of violence, my own inclination would have been "come on in mom; those are garden clippers; they won't work on the door; where's your keys?".
I would not have slammed the door on her, and think that her hitting it with the clippers was frustration at having the door open (good) then slammed on her (bad).
And my inclination would not have been (unless there's history I am missing) to call the police.
While any shock may have resulted in me closing the door between us I would have said "Mom? Those are the clippers. Could you put those down so I can let you in".
What this comes down to is that the "orange door" (sorry; from USA and not familiar) if at all like our APS will likely interview you both. Perhaps separately. The police will have made a report and dependent on what happened when THEY visited you it will either indicate they cannot imagine what caused your instinctive reaction out of fear. They will just want to know if you are afraid and for what reason.
They (Orange Door) may ask you about whether it is safe now for mom to come and go with keys on her own. I think their questions may be something like this:
1. Does mom live here and does she typically leave alone and return using her keys? Is it still safe for mom to be alone and on her own?
2. Is this the first time mom has used the wrong "tool" to access something in this manner?
3. Why did you feel threatened by the clippers in Mom's hand? Has she expressed violent ideation? Has she ever been threatening.
4. Why did you call police and slam door rather than taking clippers from mom and saying "whoops, mom, wrong tool. Do you have your keys? Come on in."
5. Do you feel unsafe for some reason from mom now and have you considered placement?
I am certain there's a whole lot I'm missing here, so accept this all as "total guesswork"; I don't even know what the "orange door" is. But you give a great description and my reactions would have been so different to yours that I'm left wondering what HISTORY I am missing to cause such fear. This is likely a much bigger canvas than I'm seeing.
I will ask ahead of time for your forgiveness if I completely missed this. Because I put myself right into your well-described setting, and you going to the door. And I can't see how all this ensued from it? Would love correction and information, especially about mom's history with any threatening or self-harming behavior.
Good luck. Hope you'll update us.
The antisocial personality disorder that mum has been diagnosed with is something that me and my family have encountered all of our lives. It has components like grandious narsissism and anger. I've been (always) careful not to get her into any rage states. Dad and l were what is known as 'supply' where she outs her behaviours onto us. Essentially she has no empathy or respect for me. So there has always been psychological abuse. Recently, after moving home to assist her, 8 years now l have had to learn a lot. I have access to Carers Gateway. Our government pays for this and so l have had counselling, coaching and support to do gym. Also our system has provided me with visits to a psychologist. I have lots of work to do with this at the moment.
Anyway, back to mum. I live in a bungalow out back and she does not have a key for my place. She is a bully and threatening person who believes that she did not need to knock or call out. The clippers incident was a rage. Normally she is verbal and this is the first time she has used a tool. I see what you mean by a dementia reasoning for her. Either way l did the possibly right thing by both of us. No one was hurt. My counsellors have mention l need to express boundaries with her.
The Orange Door is a great organisation for supporting families and they are certainly not punative. I know this as l have referred families when l was a kindergarten teacher.
Mum is who she is and no others could even come close to the way l can look after her. I believe that as she wants, she deserves to live in her home for as long as she wants. Of course she believes that she can be fully independent, but that is her grandious delusion. She often reminds me that l am the only one who cares about her. This true.
All the best AlvaDeer
Hopefully they now have it notated that your mother has both PD and dementia.
Please stay safe and don't hesitate to get your mother placed in the appropriate facility if needed.