HI all,
For those who are following my posts, you know the situation - myself and my brother are POAs for my narcisist dad with dementia, who is in assisted living, and just now realizing that he is incompetent for decision making.
DPOA was put into effect by him via his attorney at the time of hospitalization last fall. Functionally it is still in effect with me managing most of his estate.
Question - how much do we need to reveal in good faith about issues with his house?
His current level of competency has not been tested or evaluated, but most in contact with him agree that it is worse than when he signed to DPOA into effect. . He is in AL and is "ok" with me running most of his finances and estate.
However , I recently discovered that his currently unoccupied house has roof leaks and some floor damage due to this. Am I obligated to tell him about this? The only reason that I am hesitant is because he will 1) Freak out 2) want to go see it 3) want to be involved and micro manage the repair process, even though he cannot remember things day to day and it will just slow things down, and drive me nuts.
Personally I would rather get the roof and floors fixed myself using his funds with careful documentation (and then with respect to soon selling it, I hope), without his getting involved or even knowing about it , and wanting to micro manage it. But, in good faith, am I obligated to tell him about the issues ?
If your DPOA gives you authority on all financial matters, you have authority to resolve the issues with the house without including him. The integrity of the house is a financial matter because disrepair affects its value, and therefore negatively impacts the estate.
My DPOA gives me authority on all financial matters, but also takes it further by outlining each financial “bucket,” one being real estate. If this is included, it furthers the point that you can do what needs to be done. If at some point, you need to discuss it with him you get to refer to this in the document to reinforce your actions.
I also understand the “freak out” aspect as my mother is extremely volatile, and I know what sets her off. When she’s well cared for with minimal change to routine, her health is much better - unnecessary drama can take weeks for her to reset. You know your dad‘s behavior, and while it isn’t necessarily a DPOA thing, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with considering his well-being as a legitimate factor in it as well.
in the end, our parents are at a point in life where the reasoning skills are shot. I think you 100% should move forward on your own, but if you have any doubts about the legal aspect, you should be able to confirm with the attorney prepared the DPOA.
edit - I don’t see previous posts when I posted, now that it’s posted they show up! So I basically restated all the same stuff.
one thing I will add seeing that you’ve considered Dropping the POA. I was there too, and I still think about it sometimes. The things that put me there involved me trying to control it all too much, and do everything I could to do things right, save money, etc. I tried to make sure all caregivers etc got every detail. When I was where you’re at, I took a break for a week or two, and reset. When I needed help from a contractor or service, I would get a referral from someone I trust and use that referral. I didn’t worry about getting three bids, and didn’t worry about micromanaging the details. I also shared with the referral what was going on, and it’s amazing how they get it: you’re going through hell. The job just ends up getting done well.
I am planning this approach for now.
I reviewed the POA document with the attorney, and it does cover real estate in the financial aspects. So I'm proceeding along for now without telling my dad. I do think that telling him will unnecessarily affect him, which will affect his health potentially
the only thing is that eventually he wants to go to the house to go through some stuff and decide on some other items to bring to AL now that he has realized we wont let him go back to live at home. So if/when we take him to his house to do that, he will eventually discover the water leak damage. I'll then deal with his response to seeing it at that time....
What you stated your preference is, sounds like the best option. I'm in a similar position with my mom. My brother is the one with DPOA but we share responsibilities. We both document every withdrawal, deposit, expenditure we make and we tell our mother very little. She doesn't have dementia but she worries too much. Keeping her in the dark keeps the worry away. We only answer questions she asks with a positive spin. We do not tell her things that will cause her to worry or freak out.