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Hi all, I filed this under 'working caregiver' as that is me, caring for my elderly mother (and not paid by her to do so) with several major health issues (such as but not limited to): diabetes, going blind, congestive heart failure, COPD, 2 different cancers, morbid obesity, severe mobility issues, many more. She lives in her own home and obvi doesn't drive. Walker or wheelchair always. Countless meds daily. At what point is enough enough with the constant in person doctor/specialist appointments? While they may agree to an occasional video call, they all want to see in person. I currently drive her and it's very difficult to work around my own demanding career, even though I work from home. A 1 hour appointment easily turns into 3. Routine dentist cleaning turns into pulling a tooth that doesn't want to come out. Every appointment turns into something else she asks me to do that day. I could go on. Juggling my own meetings, constantly wondering when my manager is going to point blank say 'where are you all the time?' (I also travel by airplane and I MORE than make up any time spent on mom, but my career is 100% extremely difficult as it is, with no Mom responsibility. Add in Mom and I'm so exhausted I want to crawl in bed and sleep for 3 solid months). We live in a small town without the resources of a larger city... ie, limited transportation options, and even when I can find a 'driver' they don't (due to insurance liability and how they are licensed) typically do the added things like open doors for those without handicap buttons, they don't help the elderly out of their home and into the vehicle. Ie, they only 'drive'. It's very hard moving someone who can barely walk. You'd never think of how many public places don't have easily accessible offices, but I can assure you, there are a lot of them, at least where we live. OF COURSE all these docs want you to 'follow up' with them every few months.... She's got great insurance. She's never going to change the bad habits that landed her in this position, so why keep seeing these doctors? Does anyone ever just 'stop' with these constant check-ups?? Decline one every 3 months and agree to every 6? Practically speaking, how long can this go on? I supposed where they get you is in convincing you they need the meds... if you want the meds, you need to see the doctor.... how are other caregivers doing this with allllll the doctor appointments?

Your mother needs to sell her home and move to a skilled nursing facility (or assisted living, but it sounds like her needs are excessive for that; I might be wrong) that can take care of many of her needs onsite, and provide transportation, including an aide, to any outside appointments. You can then join the appointments online by phone, facetime, or zoom. Enough is enough. Just tell her you can't do this anymore and she needs to be part of her own solution.
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Reply to MG8522
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My mom has been moved to a facility. They take her to every doctor and specialist appointment. They also have a doctor on staff that comes in every single week as well as would care specialists, hospice, etc. Tomorrow she goes to the eye doctor to pick out new glasses. A staff member will drive her there and sit with her through the visit, help her pick out frames and return her to her room. I will get the bill later and will pay it out of her account. You can keep burning the candle at both ends or find a facility that will do all this for you.
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Reply to JustAnon
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I’ve spoken to my mother’s doctor and have explained it’s only me! And it is very difficult to get my mother in and out of the car. They have been very good about understanding and have stretched the visits out from every three months to twice a year. However, my mom is 95. Examples are her kidney doctor and her dermatologist - my mother is extremely vain. I also stopped taking her to the ey doctor for her eye shot in one eyes because it’s a big drive and very difficult to unload her. I just told them I’d call later to set up an appointment on her last appointment and never did. They probably figure she died.
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Reply to Sorrynotsorry
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No new appointments unless she has to be seen for a darn good reason. And cancel the appointments that have already been made. I would make time for the dentist at least once a year though, as tooth infections can cause heart attacks, etc.

Now, on to the important issue. Who is propping up her "ability to live alone". This is you, right? There will be no solutions for anything while you are the solution to everything. Cut your in person visits way back, and when that's met with complaints your answer is "that's why you need to move to assisted living". She has chosen to take poor care of herself and somehow that makes it your responsibility to take care of her? That's not right, help her make better decisions by stopping making up for her bad ones.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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Here’s an answer “no, I can’t do that” Stopping the madness is on you to do. Not to sound rude, many of mom’s issues are either caused or exacerbated by morbid obesity and you trying to help her get around is highly likely to result in injury to you. Don’t let this happen, it will result in job loss and financial hardship. Mom needs to take ownership here. Take your exhaustion seriously, your body is telling you something important. Have the courage not to be the answer for mom, but to protect yourself
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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DaughterDoesAll, welcome to getting older. Both my parents were constantly going to various doctor appointments, specialists for every part of their being. I thought if I was saw one more waiting room and another set of papers to fill out I was going to scream. One trick I learned with those forms, I just wrote across the page "everything the same as last year". Some forms did require my parent's signature.


Now that hubby and I are at the same age as my parents once were (80), we fully understand why my parents were going to see so many doctors. It got them out of the house. They actually felt better afterwards. I know that feeling.


But I can fully understand what you were going through regarding taking time off from work. It wasn't easy, the logistics can be a nightmare. My boss wasn't very understanding. In fact, I looked for new employment in the same field, and found a boss who fully understood what I was going through, it turned out changing companies made a world of difference since my parents lived into their late 90's (Mom refused to move in senior living).


We live in a large metro area where senior transportation is available, but my Mom refused to ride with strangers. Dad, on the other hand, didn't care. Mom always won the debate, so I had to drive them using their car (which I truly hated to use) as Mom couldn't any longer get up into my mid-size SUV. I know I should have set boundaries at the very beginning but I didn't know I could.
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Beedevil66 Apr 30, 2026
Your last paragraph almost can't blame mom. They would be lucky to get a nice driver that would help them (many don't), they don't want to get injured anymore than the loved one.

Area I'm at as STC (Senior Transportation ) as well. They sometimes use the big vans and put out a step for riders to enter and exit, only offering their hand to balance and help.
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I understand your frustration. Do you think your mom might be ready for palliative care or hospice care?
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Sandra2424 Apr 30, 2026
I agree.
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When my parents moved in with us from their home in another state, I asked my Dr if he could handle their issues, Other than the eye dr and dentist he felt that he could, and if not he would refer them out. They were seeing all sorts of specialists for many issues that were really minor or well under control. They were fine with this, and it took their visits from at least one a month to only a few a year between them. It worked great until Mom ended up in the hospital and then we readded the cardiologist. (hospitalized for a fall). So yes you sure can cut back on them if you have a good Dr who knows elder pts well and is willing to do this. Good luck, its a great time saver, and having one Dr who know the big picture is great too!
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Reply to pamzimmrrt
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Of course the Drs want to see her often, medicare pays the bill. When I took over Moms check book, I found she was going to her PCP every 2 months. My Mom was only on BP and Cholesterol meds. I asked her why she had no idea. I took her to her next visit and even the Nurse asked me why we were there. I told her if he says "what are we here today for?" She will only be back if she is sick or needs refills. (Our State Mandates that you must see your Doctor ever 6 months for medication refills)

I cut back on Moms specialists. IMO, once they are stable with the problem they have, a PCP can take over. If a problem arises, you go back to the specialist. I had Mom on a 6 month and 12 month appts at one point.

Your Mom, I would bring in Hospice if there will be no improvement only decline. No doctors or hospitals with Hospice.

Tell Mom you can no longer transport her all over. She needs care you can't give her and she needs placement. An AL I doubt will take her. They don't do that kind of care. So it means a nice LTC facility. This is how I looked at it, it was just me and I was doing all the caring. Because of that, I made decisions in my best interest too.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Oh my, you have to make yourself the #1 priority.

What kind of "great insurance" does she have? Is she older that 65 and on Medicare yet? Or is it still private insurance? We will need to know the answer to this in order to give you the most appropriate guidance.

But the bigger issue is that no one is forcing you to be her total solution. She may be wheelchair bound but how is her mind? Does she have a mobile phone? If so, she's the captain of her own destiny. It's ok to tell her that you're 100% overwhelmed. If she has no empathy for your situation, all the more reason to back completely away. Keep referring her to social or private services. Tell her to find a Geriatric Care Manager. Or she transitions into a AL facility and you'd be willing to help her with *some* things on the condition that she assigns you as her durable PoA.

You are a prisoner of your own choices. You have an unhealthy relationship with her and apparently no boundaries. No one is going to judge you for taking care of yourself first. Please consider seeing a therapist to help you find healthy boundaries and make a better life for yourself -- you deserve it!
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