Hi all, I filed this under 'working caregiver' as that is me, caring for my elderly mother (and not paid by her to do so) with several major health issues (such as but not limited to): diabetes, going blind, congestive heart failure, COPD, 2 different cancers, morbid obesity, severe mobility issues, many more. She lives in her own home and obvi doesn't drive. Walker or wheelchair always. Countless meds daily. At what point is enough enough with the constant in person doctor/specialist appointments? While they may agree to an occasional video call, they all want to see in person. I currently drive her and it's very difficult to work around my own demanding career, even though I work from home. A 1 hour appointment easily turns into 3. Routine dentist cleaning turns into pulling a tooth that doesn't want to come out. Every appointment turns into something else she asks me to do that day. I could go on. Juggling my own meetings, constantly wondering when my manager is going to point blank say 'where are you all the time?' (I also travel by airplane and I MORE than make up any time spent on mom, but my career is 100% extremely difficult as it is, with no Mom responsibility. Add in Mom and I'm so exhausted I want to crawl in bed and sleep for 3 solid months). We live in a small town without the resources of a larger city... ie, limited transportation options, and even when I can find a 'driver' they don't (due to insurance liability and how they are licensed) typically do the added things like open doors for those without handicap buttons, they don't help the elderly out of their home and into the vehicle. Ie, they only 'drive'. It's very hard moving someone who can barely walk. You'd never think of how many public places don't have easily accessible offices, but I can assure you, there are a lot of them, at least where we live. OF COURSE all these docs want you to 'follow up' with them every few months.... She's got great insurance. She's never going to change the bad habits that landed her in this position, so why keep seeing these doctors? Does anyone ever just 'stop' with these constant check-ups?? Decline one every 3 months and agree to every 6? Practically speaking, how long can this go on? I supposed where they get you is in convincing you they need the meds... if you want the meds, you need to see the doctor.... how are other caregivers doing this with allllll the doctor appointments?
Now, on to the important issue. Who is propping up her "ability to live alone". This is you, right? There will be no solutions for anything while you are the solution to everything. Cut your in person visits way back, and when that's met with complaints your answer is "that's why you need to move to assisted living". She has chosen to take poor care of herself and somehow that makes it your responsibility to take care of her? That's not right, help her make better decisions by stopping making up for her bad ones.
Now that hubby and I are at the same age as my parents once were (80), we fully understand why my parents were going to see so many doctors. It got them out of the house. They actually felt better afterwards. I know that feeling.
But I can fully understand what you were going through regarding taking time off from work. It wasn't easy, the logistics can be a nightmare. My boss wasn't very understanding. In fact, I looked for new employment in the same field, and found a boss who fully understood what I was going through, it turned out changing companies made a world of difference since my parents lived into their late 90's (Mom refused to move in senior living).
We live in a large metro area where senior transportation is available, but my Mom refused to ride with strangers. Dad, on the other hand, didn't care. Mom always won the debate, so I had to drive them using their car (which I truly hated to use) as Mom couldn't any longer get up into my mid-size SUV. I know I should have set boundaries at the very beginning but I didn't know I could.
Area I'm at as STC (Senior Transportation ) as well. They sometimes use the big vans and put out a step for riders to enter and exit, only offering their hand to balance and help.
I cut back on Moms specialists. IMO, once they are stable with the problem they have, a PCP can take over. If a problem arises, you go back to the specialist. I had Mom on a 6 month and 12 month appts at one point.
Your Mom, I would bring in Hospice if there will be no improvement only decline. No doctors or hospitals with Hospice.
Tell Mom you can no longer transport her all over. She needs care you can't give her and she needs placement. An AL I doubt will take her. They don't do that kind of care. So it means a nice LTC facility. This is how I looked at it, it was just me and I was doing all the caring. Because of that, I made decisions in my best interest too.
What kind of "great insurance" does she have? Is she older that 65 and on Medicare yet? Or is it still private insurance? We will need to know the answer to this in order to give you the most appropriate guidance.
But the bigger issue is that no one is forcing you to be her total solution. She may be wheelchair bound but how is her mind? Does she have a mobile phone? If so, she's the captain of her own destiny. It's ok to tell her that you're 100% overwhelmed. If she has no empathy for your situation, all the more reason to back completely away. Keep referring her to social or private services. Tell her to find a Geriatric Care Manager. Or she transitions into a AL facility and you'd be willing to help her with *some* things on the condition that she assigns you as her durable PoA.
You are a prisoner of your own choices. You have an unhealthy relationship with her and apparently no boundaries. No one is going to judge you for taking care of yourself first. Please consider seeing a therapist to help you find healthy boundaries and make a better life for yourself -- you deserve it!
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