Seems I am always on this site for advice. I now have another dilemma.
My 95 yr old mother with dementia??, bad eyesight, poor decision making, bad knees, trouble walking and loses her balance from time to time.
I moved in with her over 7 yrs ago, after my father passed. She wanted to stay in her house, begged me not to put her in a nursing home. After all she did for us growing up, I didn’t see a problem.
She fell again early Sunday morning. Trying to get to the bathroom at 5:30am, she had her walker until she thought she could make it the rest of the way holding on to other objects. She got as far as her dresser, reached for it so she could use it to get around the wall, to grab her vanity, to get to the toilet. She must have misjudged and she went down. She only uses the walker until she can hold onto things for stability. She says she forgets the walker. The only time she uses it is when she doesn’t have anything else to hang onto. So, this brings us to the latest problem. She can’t get her walker into her bathroom unless that door is taken off the hinges. So I told her that I took her door off. She is to take her walker into the bathroom and not to be relying on other things for stability. She seemed ok with that until this morning. She was going in to take a shower and wanted the door put back on so she could use the heaters to warm the bathroom. She has a 1. ceramic heater on her vanity,2. her shower fan also has a heater, plus 3. the furnace I told her with all 3 running her bathroom would be warm enough for her. Now she says that she will call her brother to put the door back on. I told her it is not going back on. She said she will not take a shower until it is put back on. I told her that was her choice. So now she is really mad. Not talking to me. And I imagine she will tell me again to pack my bags and get out. She has always been a princess, always gotten her way. But after her last fall that she damaged her eye, cut her face and had to have stitches, spend overnight in the hospital, the squad coming to get her off the floor, I told her this is for the best and the door stays off!
This woman has to be in charge, and she fights every decision I make. Everyday is a battle. She has NO reasoning skills left. I do not even recognize this woman. If she knew how she was acting and how combative she is, she would be so upset with herself.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.
My question to everyone. How would you handle this situation? Just give in? No matter what I think is the safest thing for her is, just let her do whatever she wants, no matter the danger?
The last time she fell the squad came. Gave me instructions on how to safe proof her room so that she could maneuver around her room with the walker.
I really do not want them coming back to see I haven’t followed their instructions.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
I disagree with many who suggested assisted living. At age 95, I think she's getting good care in her own home. Nothing is perfect. My Mom fell in inhouse rehab, last year. She is in her own home now, with assistance. She's happy in familiar surroundings.
Could you get a PT and OT evaluation for Mom? It sounds like at 95, your Mom is doing pretty good. My Mom is 92 and wheelchair bound.
I like the suggestion of a curtain or perhaps an accordian door, if she needs privacy (not sure from whom).
Lastly, you said that Mom has to be in charge of everything. I think a lot of that has to do with fear of losing independence. Perhaps, giving Mom choices would help. "Mom, the old door won't work, but how about an accordian door or curtain. What do you think? I could close it after your inside and open when your finished" Or is it possible to have a pocket door?
To help you, could an aide be hired part time?
Best wishes.
She will continue to resist safety measures, and the next time she falls, if she breaks bones or a hip, she may not recover. Arguing with her will not change anything, and will be a significant source of frustration to you. And, at her age, can you really say you could walk away and leave her alone? She may really enjoy being with other folks too, and take her mind of trying to control everything that she can't.
They can be like two year olds, it’s not easy. They get pretty childish when they know they are losing control of things so they try to control what they can when they can.
Good luck.
There is no manual for this. I realized that when I started taking care of my Mother in Law and Mother newly married in my husbands home. Its been quite a ride. His mother has since passed. My Mother is 84. She wants to have total control. She refuses to listen or follow rules, she cries all the time, almost everyday. We rescued her from her mobile home and has been here for 7 years. My health deteriorated. My husband has a short fuse because he suffers from depression with outbursts esp. when someone pushes his buttons and starts (stupid as I call it), situations that do not need to exist in the first place. Those buttons are outside our bodies and my Mother will push them like a baby with a busy box on their beds. I am going to write a book someday. Right now at this moment I live with terrible anxiety with her here. She has relied on me to do everything. All her paperwork which is a lot to handle. All of a sudden she decided she wants to move out on her own, because she is incapable of following rules and it cramps her style. Now i feel cheated and used. If I tried to get her to do her own things, she would cry and spend however long it took to manipulate me into feeling terrible and do it for her. I started to just do it. She has told everyone we know that we abuse her, monetarily, isolate her, are mean to her, wont let her do anything she wants to do. None of those are true of course and one thing you can do is to log. Log your day what went on and how you tried to handle it and why it didnt work. There is no one on this planet that can convince me that I am doing my Mother wrong. When this happens it makes you do it right even more, like check and checking again, but it doesnt mean anything to them anyways. One of those is not letting her have a humming bird feeder because of ants. Our yard is polluted always was. The only year she had them I watched the ants crawl in order right to my door and walk up it to the feeder. I would rather avoid that then have ants in my cereal. she says to just pick them out, there is no compromise. ITs get better but I will try to answer your concerns with what works for me, or doesnt but at least I try something. I hate to say that I hate my Mother, I just hate who she is now. She can be so hurtful and walk away like it didnt matter. I was working with her doctors, the rule was that she get mental help and counseling to stay here with us. Years went by and we endured way too much. One Sunday she ended up being sent to the ER for a Psych evaluation. This has angered her to the utmost highest. She refuses to let anyone in to her psyche all her life. As it stands now I have been "relieved of my duties" I am not to talk to her doctors. She cant hear doesnt have a hearing aide she spends her money shopping (her addiction). Everything is my fault. So I started to chart the day. I use free forms from the internet that log her mental health and her moods etc. I have resigned to the fact that since I am not a POA and she wont let anyone, there is little I can to but to keep her safe, help her when she asks, and ignore the comments, and know that all I did GOD will be the judge of it. Its hard to let go, when you know they will fall. She will and what happens from there is nothing I can do anything about. I use Office of Aging, her counselors, and I will step in and message her doctor if its really really an issue. Such as hearing music and voices. I try to envision the day when my husband and I will be alone. It may be soon as she may get a housing apartment soon. My health will not allow me to do anymore for her than I do, this is not appropriate for her life. She is mad at that fact and thinks I am lying. while I chart stuff i date it so that if anyone wants to come into my home and investigate I have a history. Dont be so hard on yourself. You cant as I was told by my doctor make her do anything. But she can do what she wants somewhere else. God Bless.
It's important to note that she had adapted her walkers to use Shepherd ball-type casters, which greatly improved maneuverability for her. In the later years, I took off the casters and replaced them with furniture glides. This also worked until she was leaning so heavily on the walker that it started getting away from her, at which point I invested in the narrowest transfer chair I could find, and she never walked into the bathroom (or anywhere else) after that.
Everyone's needs are different, so proceed with caution according to your mother's condition. Good luck.
As for her being in charge and the threats she makes about throwing you out, you don't have to put up with that.
You're the one living there and taking care of her and you don't deserve to be treated like that.
Tell her straight that if you go she's going into a nursing home unless she makes other arrangements herself for her care.
If she refuses to bathe or shower until the door is put back on the bathroom, tell her that she will be the one who will suffer the problems that come from a lack of hygiene, not you.
Put up a curtain on a rod in place of the bathroom door so that is can be pulled over when it's shower time, and that kept pulled to one side at night. Or an accordian fan-style door that can be folded and put to one side. Don't ask her if she agrees to it. Just go ahead and do it.
If not, here is what I would do today:
Put her door back. If she'll allow the lock to be taken off it I'd be relieved (a fallen senior behind a locked bathroom door really is no joke).
Get a bedside commode for use between (say) 10:00 pm and 07:00 am.
Say as little as humanly possible about anything controversial until the dust has settled.
Don't worry about what the squad might say about your (not your, actually: her) failure (not a failure, merely a lead-in period) to implement their recommendations. They will be even more aware than you are that these changes require mother's consent.
There are various alerts, monitors and devices that can help you be present when your mother is mobilising. Would you consider using these, and would you rate your chances of getting her to agree to them if they can be kept low-key?
You can also find replacement parts at home depot and lowes, last time I checked a few years back...
they will come out and do an assessment of her home and what needs to be changed.
get a portable commode = toilet by her bed so she doesn't have to walk anywhere.
if you cannot follow their instructions at all.. then perhaps get someone in who can follow safety rules for mom, or move her.
who has POA for finance and health? if it's not you... release her to them.
It's a tough situation... just know, you will be making the right decision one way or the other.. It is ok..
Her health baseline is now.. this is her healthiest moment of the rest of her life.... truthfully...
So far so good at dads house. Good luck.
You can get the door made wider - construction fees would be involved. A cheaper remedy would be hand a heavy curtain, blanket, tablecloth over the opening. You can sash it to one side when not bathing and it should be out of her way.
She will not change her behavior, so don't expect that to ever happen. That said, her safety (and your peace of mind) is paramount! Put in as many safety aids as you can. There should be safety bars all over the bathroom and a shower chair. No throw rugs or runners anywhere. Remove door saddles so she can't trip moving from one room to another. You can put a bed rail on her bed so she can more easily get in and out. There are very inexpensive led motions lights that can be attached to key areas so she can see when she gets up at night. Wifi cameras can easily be put around the house (try Wyze on Amazon) where you can view what she's up to from your phone. There is so much available, do the research. You won't regret it. Good luck!
I'm going with troll. Can't understand why these accts are still active.
I am concerned that your mom is so combative because she has fear of loss of control. Please consider talking to her doctor about a geriatric psychiatric evaluation. She may be easier to manage with anti-anxiety medications.
btw, get her room cleared out more in accordance with what squad told you. Just make sure that mom sees that you are not throwing out her things, but making it easier for her to maneuver. If she is on anti-anxiety medications, this task will be a whole lot easier.
Can she get inside the bathroom and turn around with the walker now? Test it out yourself to make sure she can get all the way in and out. Get some grab rails if you see there are certain places that could be easier to move with a bar here or there
I’m assuming your mom bathes only when someone is there. At any rate, You could put the curtain away when you aren’t there. Put it up to heat the room and then take it down. Find a way to compromise to decrease the tension between you.
I think what you are trying to say is “I love you mom. I don’t want you to fall and hurt yourself. Let’s figure this out together”.
Also look into a rollator. I was amazed at how much easier it is for my 94 yr old to get around with it than her walker. I know it won’t go into the bathroom either but it might get her closer without incident.
You could also put a bedside commode by her bed for the nights so she wouldn’t have to go so far. My mom had a bathroom just a few steps away but she was on diuretics and had to get up 4 times a night on average. The bedside commode was her safety net. Of course it has to be emptied and sanitized.
A motion detection light might be beneficial to insure her path is well illuminated.
If you want life to be improved for the both of you, you will need to either significantly ramp up the amount of in-home for her, or she needs to transition into a care facility. There are only 2 options from which to choose, assuming you don't want to lose your own sanity and health in the process.
If nothing changes then it is inevitable that she will soon have a catastrophic fall that will land her in the hospital and then "rehab" and then probably LTC anyway. She is not able to "learn" anything new, or adapt. Indeed, she is losing what she already knows, so is in essence going backwards. I wish you great wisdom and peace in your heart as you ponder what truly would be in both your best interests.
We DO want to do what's 'best' for our LO's. And sadly, that is often moving them out of their current living environment to one that provides more care.
I visited my mother on Monday and was shocked to see how much messier and actually dirtier her apartment is. I have not gone into it for a year (I was doing chemo and her feral birds were a health danger for me).
Quite obviously, no one had so much as swept her floors or watered her plants. I pointed out that they are ALL dead and said I would be happy to throw them out and her response was "I can't see them, so who cares?". I did take a minute and wipe down the chandelier that hangs over her kitchen table, ropes of dust were hanging down from it and fall into her food. She told me to stop 'fussing' but when her kitchen faucet snaps off in my hand...I have to do SOMETHING.
I did 'fix' the faucet and tried to take out the bathroom trash as the smell of wet depends was gagging me. Mom just said to leave it--that was a job her 'maid' did (my mentally challenged 24 yo niece) who doesn't do anything, but mom gives her $20 a week to do....I dunno what.
She'll never move from YB's home. To me, it's past depressing and I want to scream when I am there and when I leave. This is NOT what our dad would have wanted for her, and her health is impacted by the filthy air and hoard of junk.
BUT..I have less than zero say in what goes on. YBs are her POA's and neither of them want to move her and neither of them care about how messy her place is. So, I just make my occasional visits and try to not go into her place. 2020 was a terrible year for her, so I'm not going to make this year worse by pushing for a move to an ALF of some kind.
Sad, it's just sad. At least you have some say. I am bound by silence as being a 'girl' and girls don't have any say in our family.
Reasoning with her her won't help. Eventually, it becomes a matter of keeping her safe. I'd likely not allow her to walk alone without assistance. You can't be certain she won't fall, touch the heaters, etc. Space heaters are very risky.
So you need to make your mom's environment safer and not care what she says about it. Just know she will complain and you can feel good about doing the right thing and making her safer. Don't argue about it. Blame it on the doctor. Or someone. "They" made me do it. Try to have some general vague responses to her complaints and try not to get upset about it and definitely don't argue or even explain.
I also agree with others that it is probably time to look into memory care for your mom. Even if you have "promised" that you wouldn't put her in a home, that is not a valid promise.
Good luck.
If you do not know if she has dementia then that is the place to start. Diagnosis. Let her doctor know she need a thorough evaluation. After that it is guardianship and placement.
She would not now be safe alone just from issues of mobility. So it is way too late for you to just "leave" at this point.