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i was on the phone and i told her i would help her as soon as i hung up and she still yelled at me and told me to get out I was so hurt I have been caring for her 15 years now and shes not my mom even before I was married to her son
Has your relationship with her been pretty good over the years? If this rudeness was an exception, I'd chalk it up to every one is entitled to have a bad day now and then.
She told you to "get out" -- are you living in her house? Or what is your caregiving arrangement?
If this is not just a rare exception, then if you can explain your situation in a little more detail we will be able to give you more specific responses.
You don't mention your mother-in-laws age but it sounds like she may have dementia. I had a good relationship with my mother until I had to become my parents' caregiver. Then everything went south and mother began yelling at me like I was 5 years old. She had been diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease which causes pretty severe dementia but she was in denial that anything was wrong with her. For a while I did not understand her rude behavior was neurological and I took everything personally. When I got her and Dad in an Assisted Living Facility, they gave her an anti-psychotic drug which helped her immensely. If I had understood dementia earlier I would have realized she was depressed and not attacking me personally.
Curious, what was it that your mother-in-law needed help in that was so urgent that she needed to yell?
I understand she is not your Mom, but if the shoe was on the other foot and it was your Mom and your husband made the comment "she's not my Mom", I bet you would find that to be very hurtful.
You may think the best person to manage a tough mother-in-law would be her own son, but asking your spouse to step into the middle of a conflict can be problematic.
"In addition to being insulted and hurt, often the wife feels completely unsupported in her feelings, so her husband is caught in the middle," says Radcliffe. "He loves his wife, he loves his mother and, especially if he's young, he's not particularly skilled at negotiating those relationships, so he makes his wife feel like she's doing something wrong." This is a lot of pressure to put on your spouse and, Radcliffe says, as an adult, there is no reason you can't manage this relationship on your own. ---- Personally I'd throw her under the bus
You do not describe any medical illnesses, so I can't address this question thoroughly. However, if she is just yelling at you, when you do hang up tell her you do not appreciate her yelling at you and you are doing your best to help her. Sit down and discuss what her needs are and then tell her what YOU are willing to do for her since you are not required to take care of her. Where is her son (your husband) in all this? Why doesn't he speak up for you? Do not allow yourself to be bullied by your mother-in-law nor your husband. Stand up for you!
We moved my mother-in-law near us 4 years ago and as soon as she got here she started getting nasty - with my husband because a lamp shade was missing and there were some scratches on a few pieces of very old furniture after the move. Note - he flew to California and loaded a huge rental moving truck in the July heat and drove with my brother-in-law who also flew to Ca all the way back to Florida - because she wanted to be close to us. I started to defend my husband, rightly so, and she turned on me. I was all alone with her when she began yelling and accusing me of all kinds of crazy stuff. Instead of arguing (or losing it myself), I started to pray out loud for her. The tirade immediately ceased. I don't know if you are a believer in God as I am but the Holy Spirit intervened and for the past 4 years she has been nicer to me than she ever had been in the past. I believe God can do miracles and He did that day with my MIL. I don't think she ever wanted me to have to pray over her again lol... And it saved me from saying something I would have regretted later - which is exactly what aggressive people want - ammunition to fight. Praying out loud was like dumping ice water on the fire!
We moved my mother-in-law near us 4 years ago and as soon as she got here she started getting nasty - with my husband because a lamp shade was missing and there were some scratches on a few pieces of very old furniture after the move. Note - he flew to California and loaded a huge rental moving truck in the July heat and drove with my brother-in-law who also flew to Ca all the way back to Florida - because she wanted to be close to us. I started to defend my husband, rightly so, and she turned on me. I was all alone with her when she began yelling and accusing me of all kinds of crazy stuff. Instead of arguing (or losing it myself), I started to pray out loud for her. The tirade immediately ceased. I don't know if you are a believer in God as I am but the Holy Spirit intervened and for the past 4 years she has been nicer to me than she ever had been in the past. I believe God can do miracles and He did that day with my MIL. I don't think she ever wanted me to have to pray over her again lol... And it saved me from saying something I would have regretted later - which is exactly what aggressive people want - ammunition to fight. Praying out loud was like dumping ice water on the fire!
loisygirl, I am sorry to hear your mother in law in yelling at you. Your title 'loisygirl' makes me feel as if your mother in law has made you feel loisy for a long time.. I did not know I did not have to tolerate my mother in laws BS. I was 37 years old when my son's doctor said I looked awful and asked me why, I told him my mother in law was in town and was nasty to me, he said 'You do not have to take abuse from anyone no matter who they were. For some reason when I was young I thought because she was a parent figure I would always have to take her crap. After my son died I was a different person so when she started in on me I stopped the abuse. I told her that I will never speak to her again and cut myself completely out of her life. Later I found out she was severe bipolar. I had no idea what bipolar was other than she confused me with her love/hate for me..Like London 28 I too prayed over my mother in law and asked my Priest to pray the evil out of her though proxy. Since that time I have studied bipolar in depth and do not take things so personally when attacked. Now when I am attacked I know it is more about the attacker than me. It is awful to be on the receiving end of someone attacking through. Good luck with all this. Prayer always helps me and always seem to balance the bad. Amen.
My mother went through this stage in her dementia. As far as I can see, it's fairly common. My mother yelled, screamed, screeched, ranted and raved and meds helped considerably. It's just one of those stages. One day she even reported my brother for abuse, the sheriff figured out really quick that this was a case of an out of control senior with issues. Now she's past that stage and is kind, loving, and, for the first time in my life, says she loves me. Be patient, this stage will pass - although another one will appear and maybe it will be less trying on your patience. God bless.
A yelling situation has occurred a few times with me and my mother. Mom got upset with me over something she was not supposed to have. In the course of the discussion she told me to 'just shut up'. I immediately came back with, "no, you shut up". I soon left the house to sort of process and cool off. These times usually end up with an apology from her and things get calmer for a time. I always feel guilty for being sucked into the childishness. You want to understand it is due to their illness but sometimes you lose it. I laugh about it now cause it was so silly. Funny when I said it to her she gave me this very 'shocked' look that I, as her daughter I guess, should even say that to her. It kind of felt good. (I smile sheepishly).
I suspect there is a long going issue between the two of you. Poor relationships with in-laws are usually not things that begin in old age. If this has indeed just started out of the blue, I would reconsider the immediate interactions between the two of you and your husband. Is there some way she felt left out or put upon. What's prompting the change in her interactions? Was she just having a "bad day" and misdirected her anger to you. If you were on the phone, was it a long conversation? Did she need immediate assistance? Most of the posts call upon you to have it out with her. I would first try to determine what is exactly going on. If you and your husband are caregivers for her --kind of important to keep relationships civil. It is very hard to care for someone you do not like and they do not like you. Good luck, it may be just a bad day---sometimes it is best to just move on and see if she does as well --without the hostility.
Lizann, I'm sorry, but I don't agree with this being a long time issue. It's a disconnect because of the disease. My mother wasn't the most endearing person I knew but she didn't have issues with us before the disease. Her confabulations (made up stories) included each and other of us. I never borrowed or took money from her, but she accused me of stealing from her. My sister mowed, cleaned, and shoveled snow without asking for $$, but she (supposedly) NEVER did things for mom. My oldest brother is a calm person who never raised a hand to his children and mother called the sheriff to report him for "breaking" her back. It's the disease not past history.
London28, my mother was bipolar and sometimes difficult toward her caregiver(s). One of them brought a bottle of Holy water and lightly sprayed her with it whenever Mom would start. Whatever the reason, it calmed her down.
Mom was far from pleasant or even civil to my Dad, or to me as his defender and the one who is "just like (my) father". She was far different to five of her other six children because they rarely showed up, stayed for long, and rarely - if ever - took time to help or care for her.
When her doctor prescribed the Excelon patch, life change remarkably. Her last months, while not perfect, were such a HUGE improvement and allowed her and me to have a peaceful, loving relationship to the end.
It sounds like you are internalizing her yelling as I'd you did something wrong. I would imagine she is upset and frustrated with her own decline. Often elderly people feel angry and upset that they can not do for themselves and they can yell. Instead of taking in as yours to fix, say something back like Gee mom you are awfully frustrated if you give me a minute I am happy to help you. Then when you get off the phone ask her about how she is feeling and get her to talk about it. If it is dementia have you had her assessed to understand her level of functioning. Sometimes an assessment helps you both to understand the situation and react differently
GOOD LUCK....!! I hope this gets better...Sees those with dementia...think they are Earth and we have to be Sun that revolves around them..I for one...AM SICK of this disease taking away my husband and turning him into DR. JECKLE...and Mr. Hyde....They REALLY need to invent something for the CARE TAKERS ....that can can give US a boost of energy, nerves of steel and solutions to the DAILY problems we face.....I HATE DEMENTIA...and my husband refuses all help but mine....I AM NOT A NURSE...I AM NOT HIS MOTHER...and I don't want to do all this...I WANT A DIVORCE FROM IT!!
You don't give much information other than she yelled at you while you were on the phone. What is her everyday mental status? If she just doesn't have any patience & wants what she wants immediately without any consideration for what you're doing, then that's her problem, not yours. What I have learned by taking care of my 85 year old mother who, for her entire life, has had no patience & wants everything done NOW, is that the problem is hers, & that she has to learn how to wait until I am able to do what she wants me to do. If she gets snotty with me or yells at me, she has learned that it does not result in me doing it faster---on the contrary, it results in me doing it slower. I wouldn't take it personally because it has nothing to do with you.
loisygirl, we really need more information, such as the age of your mother-in-law and your age. Your profile says your mother-in-law has mobility issues. Was your MIL calling for you to help her get to the bathroom or some other place within the house that she wanted to go? And you were busy on the phone?
If you are of the much younger generation, one tends to be glued to their mobile device which really frustrates those of us who didn't grow up with cellphones or even the Internet.
Any time my significant other [68] goes out-of-state to visit with his daughter, who is in her late 30's, he comes back saying it was a wasted trip when it come to quality time with his daughter as she was too busy texting or talking on her Smartphone. He dreads the time when her two younger children get old enough to have such mobile devices. They would be texting to each other "why is grandpa so grumbly?" :P
Bless you Bookwatch; your response hit the mark and gave me comfort as well.
I'm 1800 miles south of my mother. She has always been paranoid and a little difficult; imagine adding dementia to that mix. It was getting to the point where she only called to yell and make accusations. I guess it made her feel powerful.
During one particularly AWFUL call I yelled back that she had no right to talk to me like that. I wanted my response to register as inappropriate behavior; but she never called again.
I call her when there is actual need to communicate. And I hear her struggle to find words; imagine how hard the phone must be for someone with cognitive impairment. They can't see the eyes or read body language.
Nine months later she's on medication, more relaxed and easy ... make that easier ... to be with when my son and his family visit. I hope to see her in the next few months. I doubt she'll know who I am, but that's ok.
(Not my first rodeo; I went through this with my Gram. Only difference was my Gram never stopped loving me.)
If it is her lifelong habit to be unpleasant, then apart from a swift blow on the head with a blunt object that results in a personality change, you are stuck with her.
BTW - daughterof4, Loisy is a French surname. Lousy is when you feel rotten.
I've read on here before that you should say to them "I'm leaving the room now, and I'll be back in 10 minutes or so. If you are nasty wil me again, I will have to leave again". Of course there is a point where they forgot why you left, but I've done a version of this with my mom and she even said once, " I think you should leave, you're making me crazy too". Thankfully we both laughed about it. I'm still working on picking my battles so we don't argue as much. Not there yet, may never be. With Alzheimer's I think it's an uphill climb. Meds are a Godsend! Talk to her doctor about anti-anxiety meds or what he might see she could be helped with. God bless us all.
In these cases the best thing is not to take it hard, and just try to assess the overall relationship with her over the years. Has she just recently begun to treat you bad? If yes, then it could be a change in her mental patterns because of age, and a medical evaluation for her is necessary in order to help her. If no, and she's always been mean to you, then I guess perhaps you need to see a family therapist to help you figure out a way to help matters in this situation.
My Mother-in-law spent most of her last year with us; she was better with me and another daughter-in-law than with her own daughters. Less history and less drama, probably, and we were less emotionally torn up by the situation. (One daughter got upset because MIL's sister came to visit her--"mom doesn't look good"; never mind it was the last time she saw the sister and enjoyed the visit.) But yes, praying for difficult people works much better than arguing with them, not necessarily even being obvious about it.
My mother is 85 and the dr said that she has dementia/alz, which we knew she had the first but not the other. I have such a long story that I feel people would lose interest. I feel very alone. Anyway, my sister who lives 1.5 hours away with her husband rarely comes up and when she does she stays in her motorhome and visits mom for maybe a total of 4 hours in 4 days. I think sister is an alcoholic as she calls here drunk all the time. She has access to moms checking account as she is on it. I am not. But I live with my mom and I pay her bills with her own money, but my sister will call when she is drunk and try to put ideas in moms head about anythings that makes me look bad. I do not take money from my mother except for the bills. I am on disability and receive very little but I pay some rent. I feel that sister is verbally abusing mom with these ideas. I act like I do know they happened because my sister has hated me since I was born and is always trying to make me look bad. I never leave the house unless I have a doctors appointment or mom does. I asked my sister about coming up to stay with mom for a few days and she says "I am a married woman? What does that mean? Then she has an excuse that she cannot. She is no longer going to come up for the holidays as she has said that she will be now spending her holidays with her husbands family. Even when they come up they rush back to their motorhome so they can start drinking. I am losing it. I do not understand, since I am taking care of mom by myself, why she has to keep stirring up the pot. Any advice.
If you don't get your name on that bank acct. your sister may resort to paying for her addiction with your moms money!! Scary. I am grateful, since my one sibling disowned both mom and I 20 years ago that he moved hundreds of miles away. He may get a few tidbits of info from his son who calls his grandmother every few months, but she thinks it's 1988 and I'm sure he doesn't get much accurate info. There was no plan in place if either my mom or stepdad died, so there was little money left. I'm trying to stretch it as much as i can. My spouse is very helpful and doesn't complain when I pay for some of her needs. She lives in a retirement home for now, but has the dementia/Alzheimer's diagnosis. Thanks to the home, my biggest worry, besides the dwindling money, is monitoring her meds. She makes it hard for me.
Doing spells helps me - I wait until the person who is treating me poorly is sleeping and I do a love spell for them. I ask that their guardian angel intervene and speak with the abuser's higher self, even take a message to them in a dream to let them know that I love them and that they are hurting themselves and me by acting so poorly. It always works.
thanks all these answers and suggestions were very helpful and thanks for all the support and I have been praying about it I guess I need to put myself in her place how I would feel if it was me
RonnieBray, Thanks for letting me know that 'Loisy' is a French name. I thought it was a new cyber language for lousy. Ha! Guess I need to go to France and learn the language. loisygirl, I hope by now you have come up with a way to help your MIL stop being so abusive to you. When my mother age 90 becomes testy with me, I remind her that we have a few hours in one day and then I ask her why she would spend that time being ugly and she answers 'I don't know' and then I say don't you like it better when we are nice to each other? and she says YES I love it when we are nice to each other. . My mother is not bipolar so I can reason with her, my MIL was bipolar and there was no reasoning with her at all. MIL wanted to be 'right' all the time, I just want to be happy.
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She told you to "get out" -- are you living in her house? Or what is your caregiving arrangement?
If this is not just a rare exception, then if you can explain your situation in a little more detail we will be able to give you more specific responses.
I understand she is not your Mom, but if the shoe was on the other foot and it was your Mom and your husband made the comment "she's not my Mom", I bet you would find that to be very hurtful.
You may think the best person to manage a tough mother-in-law would be her own son, but asking your spouse to step into the middle of a conflict can be problematic.
"In addition to being insulted and hurt, often the wife feels completely unsupported in her feelings, so her husband is caught in the middle," says Radcliffe. "He loves his wife, he loves his mother and, especially if he's young, he's not particularly skilled at negotiating those relationships, so he makes his wife feel like she's doing something wrong." This is a lot of pressure to put on your spouse and, Radcliffe says, as an adult, there is no reason you can't manage this relationship on your own.
----
Personally I'd throw her under the bus
Be patient, this stage will pass - although another one will appear and maybe it will be less trying on your patience.
God bless.
If this has indeed just started out of the blue, I would reconsider the immediate interactions between the two of you and your husband. Is there some way she felt left out or put upon. What's prompting the change in her interactions? Was she just having a "bad day" and misdirected her anger to you. If you were on the phone, was it a long conversation? Did she need immediate assistance?
Most of the posts call upon you to have it out with her. I would first try to determine what is exactly going on. If you and your husband are caregivers for her --kind of important to keep relationships civil. It is very hard to care for someone you do not like and they do not like you.
Good luck, it may be just a bad day---sometimes it is best to just move on and see if she does as well --without the hostility.
Mom was far from pleasant or even civil to my Dad, or to me as his defender and the one who is "just like (my) father". She was far different to five of her other six children because they rarely showed up, stayed for long, and rarely - if ever - took time to help or care for her.
When her doctor prescribed the Excelon patch, life change remarkably. Her last months, while not perfect, were such a HUGE improvement and allowed her and me to have a peaceful, loving relationship to the end.
If you are of the much younger generation, one tends to be glued to their mobile device which really frustrates those of us who didn't grow up with cellphones or even the Internet.
Any time my significant other [68] goes out-of-state to visit with his daughter, who is in her late 30's, he comes back saying it was a wasted trip when it come to quality time with his daughter as she was too busy texting or talking on her Smartphone. He dreads the time when her two younger children get old enough to have such mobile devices. They would be texting to each other "why is grandpa so grumbly?" :P
I'm 1800 miles south of my mother. She has always been paranoid and a little difficult; imagine adding dementia to that mix. It was getting to the point where she only called to yell and make accusations. I guess it made her feel powerful.
During one particularly AWFUL call I yelled back that she had no right to talk to me like that. I wanted my response to register as inappropriate behavior; but she never called again.
I call her when there is actual need to communicate. And I hear her struggle to find words; imagine how hard the phone must be for someone with cognitive impairment. They can't see the eyes or read body language.
Nine months later she's on medication, more relaxed and easy ... make that easier ... to be with when my son and his family visit. I hope to see her in the next few months. I doubt she'll know who I am, but that's ok.
(Not my first rodeo; I went through this with my Gram. Only difference was my Gram never stopped loving me.)
If it is her lifelong habit to be unpleasant, then apart from a swift blow on the head with a blunt object that results in a personality change, you are stuck with her.
BTW - daughterof4, Loisy is a French surname. Lousy is when you feel rotten.
Why even talk to her if she is always nasty?
I'm still working on picking my battles so we don't argue as much. Not there yet, may never be. With Alzheimer's I think it's an uphill climb. Meds are a Godsend! Talk to her doctor about anti-anxiety meds or what he might see she could be helped with. God bless us all.
But yes, praying for difficult people works much better than arguing with them, not necessarily even being obvious about it.
He may get a few tidbits of info from his son who calls his grandmother every few months, but she thinks it's 1988 and I'm sure he doesn't get much accurate info.
There was no plan in place if either my mom or stepdad died, so there was little money left. I'm trying to stretch it as much as i can. My spouse is very helpful and doesn't complain when I pay for some of her needs. She lives in a retirement home for now, but has the dementia/Alzheimer's diagnosis. Thanks to the home, my biggest worry, besides the dwindling money, is monitoring her meds. She makes it hard for me.