I'm struggling with my mom's passing 9 weeks ago yesterday. I put on a normal face and go through my day taking care of my chores. But I'm dying inside. My boyfriend found me crying last night. I never cry about her in front of him. He asked why and I just said, I miss my mama. His reaction was horrible. He thinks I should be over it, she wouldn't want me to be like this. He said I used to yell and say bad things to and about her. That's true - because I was beyond burnout. That doesn't excuse it, but I can't change it or take it back. But knowing that doesn't help either. Six years alone as caregiver broke me, physically and mentally. That is only one of the demons I'm dealing with, losing patience with her. Not to mention thinking of what I could have done differently or better. I don't need him to remind me of what I can't even live with. I can barely breathe sometimes and no one knows or gets it. If I smile and keep going, they think, oh she's doing better, she's ok. Well, I'm not. Every day is a struggle all day long. I think to myself, I don't know how to do this? Sometimes I just think - I can't do this! It hurts too much.
I'll get through it, I hope. It's just so lonely and painful. It's hell living with someone who is cold and unfeeling. Going through this is difficult enough.
I haven't seen any posts about how to deal with someone who doesn't understand and actually berates you for grieving, especially living with that person. I feel like I have to hide my grief. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for being there.
I have no words about your boyfriend, some males can not handle a woman's tears. I guess I would tell him to be supportive or shut his gob hole, those are his 2 choices.
As far as regrets for all that happened when you were CAREgiving for your mom. Please give yourself the grace to forgive any stumbles. Caregiving is the hardest job on the planet, you were there and you did it, that's what really matters. The rest was just static that happens when we are overwhelmed and alone dealing with difficulties, we all do it.
You loved her and cared for her the best you could, give yourself credit and let go of the mistakes. You weren't plotting how to be mean, hurt her or be difficult, you have nothing to beat yourself up over.
Grief takes time to get through, maybe a good counselor can help you find your balance in your new season of life.
Be kind to yourself and please, don't entertain any guilt or regret, you did a great job for many years, now it's time for your future.
Grief is a very personal, complicated emotion. It's a testament to your love for your mom. The stress of caregiving may not have brought out your best behavior, but it doesn't diminish your love for your mom. There is no one size fits all for overcoming grief. You will eventually get through it, but not in 9 weeks or even 9 months. It may take a year or even two but longer is not common and suggests professional help. Grieving is not a lifelong experience. You have to decide to move on. Time can contribute to overcoming grief, but it also takes action on your part. Ask for support from others, friends, family, grief support groups where you'll be with others going through this journey and where it can help overcoming the feelings of loneliness and isolation. If you have a church, your clergy may help.
“Sometimes I just think - I can't do this! It hurts too much”. But you can, and you will overcome your grief. Someday reminiscing will bring a smile to your face instead of tears.
My condolences at the loss of your mom.
And you're right about caregiving not always bringing out the best in us. I know I'm human. But I loved her more than anyone else in the world and she knew that.
She has actually come to me in 3 different dreams, the only way she can comfort me. That helps, for a while. I thank her for coming to see me. I missed her for years now, even while she was here. That's the horror of alzheimers. But she would come back once in a while and talk to me lucidly at times, mostly at night.
Now it's evening, the worst part of the day for me, when I would finally stop doing and sit with her. She always knew me, I was lucky for that. She knew where she was, with me. So I am thankful for that, and that I had the best mother ever.
As for here, who knows. Life is short and I'm no spring chicken.😁 Someday when I'm feeling stronger....one day, one hour, one minute at a time, right?
Thank so much.💐
I would also suggest a support group for caregiver survivors. You need to be around at least 1 person who has been thru something similar so you can vent. Maybe your local health department or mental health center can recommend a grief support group. Or maybe Google support groups in or near your town to start the search. Prayers.
My father, who divorced my mother 26 years ago and lived with another woman, passed away 3 weeks ago.
It was harder than I thought it would be. I am a very tough guy, and cried. My father was unfaithful with a woman 14 younger than my mother. They got divorced. My mother got depression and some years after that she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. You wouldn't believe how burn-out I am, and how resentful with my father and the world as a whole, for that matter. But I cried my father's death.
One of those Sundays, 3 days after my dad passed, I went to the mountains. And up there, in a summit, I yelled. There was no one. I cried, and shouted, I told him how much I missed him.
After that, little by little, the pain faded.
And when my mom dies, after all my life with her, what will happen?
I do not know. But whatever may be, I will not let anyone restrain my grief.
Do not allow anyone to tell you how you must feel, especially after the death of your mother.
I'm working on finding a counselor through hospice. I'm not ready for group yet.
The caring people here help me more than anything.
As for him, I just won't discuss it with him at all. No words will ever change his mind. He's not a bad person, just emotionally stunted and very immature. It's sad and just shocked me.
Thanks for responding. 🙏
Maybe that could help you shut your head down?
Sometimes too, I got angry about the reality and I would get in my truck and essentially throw a tantrum, putting it in the universe instead of my head. Also, a nerf bat and a pillow really help relieve my frustration over situations that I can't change but must deal with.
Think of it as your honeys thick head that you are sorting out :-) then let it stay put where you whacked it to. (Does that make sense?)
It does seem pretty cold and callous being talked to like that,had enough of that with my family! Maybe you need some alone time? I felt better when I got rid of an inconsiderate boyfriend about 20 years ago and I'm still single but happy. It was, what did I see in this guy? Is this someone I was really going to marry and raise a family with? I hemorrhaged across the floor and lost a lot of blood and the next day, I didn't go to work. He told his friends I was fucking off and being lazy,so sympathetic!
You don't need any nurturing from people that don't understand, you need to nurture yourself. Go find a nice spot, sit down and have a conversation with yourself and mom! Tell her that you did what you could and how much you miss her. Tell her how you're feeling now and ask her to look out for you. I know they're watching, they still want the best for us!
I also burned out as a reluctant caregiver who never signed on for it in the first place (I fell into it due to proximity, Mom’s immediate needs, and family expectations). I have been out of it for 8 months now, and am still struggling to get my life back.
I suggest that you find a counsellor who has had experience with caregivers/burnout/grief. It’s helpful to see someone on a regular basis as you process your feelings.
I also hope that your boyfriend is generally more supportive. If not, you might want to re-evaluate your commitment to the relationship.
Finally, please continue to post here: this is a highly supportive group.
Wishing you peace.
Yes I'm going to need one on one counseling. My body hasn't recovered, and the mind is way behind.
Thanks for the input, and I agree on the relationship also. If you don't step back you often can't see everything.
Peace for you also.