Why do so many aging parents expect their children to do ALL the caregiving work?

I think it might be different for each situation or a combination of common reasons, but fear is the main factor. They fear abuse, being taken advantage of financially, precious items being snatched, or just that once the help is there the children will suddenly find that they can just do whatever and never come visit. For my grandmother, it's all of these things, mainly abuse. She's steadily fed a diet of News TV, and one incident of geriatric abuse in a year reported is enough to set her off the whole idea eternally. The problem is that my mom is pushing 70, my uncle tends to hurl abusive language at anything that tests his patience, even a rock, and my aunt lives 900 miles away.

I am picking up the slack, but my health is no great and my mental health is being tested daily. I actually need to work for money, even though I draw a check. I need to make that allowed extra income to get by with a cushion. Instead, I work 7 hours a day for $75 a week, just enough to barely get by. Yes, that is five days a week. I do it because if I didn't my mom would have to be there all the time and she can not handle that. Now, she gets to go do things she needs to do for her own home and her husband and grandchildren.

My grandmother is livid! How dare she have a life outside of this? How dare she not repay back all the love and care given to her as a child? How dare she want to not have a heart attack and die from the stress? Why, she should be grateful to die that way! That's what a real child would do for their parent!

Okay, that was a bit much, but not far from the target. Truth is, why are there so many cultures where the children take care of their parents, and we happen to live in one where it's the norm to place them in an old folks home? Truth is, it's life. It really just depends on what you have to do to get by and how you've set your final years up. We simply can't be everything to everyone, though taking care of your parents is an honorable thing. Unfortunately, bad things happen, and that is just really scary. Strangers don't know you like your family does. Parents get scared enough to use the guilt trip, and guess what? It works! Because people are living longer, you find a multitude of geriatric people care taking for those 20 years older for years. This is why there are geriatric law lawyers and POAs. Sometimes you have to push past their fear and do what is right for them. If you can't give them the care they need, then hire someone who can and roll with it.

Oh I can relate to this topic! I am my mom's "one and only." There have been times when I wished that I had siblings to argue with. Even when I was younger, there was this mostly unspoken expectation that I would be caring for her in her "dotage," especially after my parents divorced, since she never remarried (and frankly, gave up the chase after dad left).
She was diagnosed with a DVT (blood clot) in her leg last year, which seemed to kick off her slow-but-steady decline. The blood clot has been resolved, but her mind continues to unravel...and she's painfully aware of it, when she's not complaining about her knees, or her back, or the pain du jour.
She doesn't get why I need help when I have "plenty of time" to tidy up. She doesn't get why I need to bring in someone for respite care when SHE never left me with anyone else while she was working, and never went anywhere by herself for a vacation. (True, I am a former "latch key" kid.) I see where she is afraid, and how this makes her more clingy and passive-aggressive; yet I'm trying not to see caregiving as this Black Hole that's sucking my life away, and that tests my empathy.
I have caregiver support groups and classes that I take to try and keep an even keel. I have good days and not so good ones. At least I have a husband who reminds me to get out of my head, and out of the house, now and again.

WWJD? I think part of the answer is that, if the family caregiver gets sick, he/she won't be any good to the loved one, so it's not noble to run yourself into the ground. I can understand why the elderly parent feels more comfortable getting care from a child, rather than a stranger, but after I had tried (mostly unsuccessfully) to care for my mom on my own, she sure understood when I came to her and said, "Mom, I can't handle this anymore. I'm going to get sick or be injured if I try to take all this on myself, so we're going to hire a service to help out." Mom wasn't thrilled, but since I had almost dropped her once or twice, she could see that it was in her best interest to get outside assistance. It also helped that she had had to do the same for her father back in the day.

WWJD?

Phinsmom you have a very different situation here. I can well imagine how it all happened but you have and need to take moves to readjust to a more realistic life for yourself. I don't mean cutting out the care of mom and now dad but you need to let yourself off the hook for setting limits. First of all your mom made plans and paid for them, to prevent what is happening now so I have to agree with whoever it was above that said she obviously isn't in her right mind given she made provisions at some point in her life that she isn't using now the time has come. Now, that said, the stepfather is also part of this equation and perhaps he wasn't part of the long term care plan? He also gives you an easier way to remove yourself and get the original plan implemented, as does the new medical situation with your father. But back to mom, when you set up care and help her husband is canceling it? Guess this means he feels he can do the things the services he canceled were supposed to? This is really the only thing you can determine and hard as I know it will be the stand you probably need to take. You set up the service/help (whatever it was for) because you can't do it and she has already paid for (her careful planning paid for services for years that she now can and should be taking advantage of) and even if this isn't exactly the case the thought process is. I mean her (or someones) thought process to plan for and pay ahead for care and help when she needed it, she needs it so no one should have a problem with paying others for some of that, one way or the other. This doesn't mean it's any easier for her to understand or remember perhaps that time has come but if she instigated the preparations years ago the instinct has to be in there, I would have guessed she would be less apt to resist outside help. If someone else set it up then reminding her "Joe" made sure she would be cared for without the financial worry and she should take advantage of it, not taking advantage is wasting all the care and money that went into it over the years. If the resistance is being encouraged by husband then he can reap those consequences. I'm not saying don't be around as a caring daughter, go to doctor appointments make sure things are in order but they shouldn't have any reason to need you for practical things that either he can do or can be paid for. If it's time to move into a long term AL facility she has that covered right?
Now your dad, of course you need to get involved to some extent, go to doctor with him, know whats going on, help organize affairs and make sure he is getting all assistance he can, make sure stuff is being started, applied for, whatever but never with any though that you will move in to make this happen. He is lucky to have you to help him through the quagmire of this, many elderly don't have family support and either have to do it themselves or the state does it. Your dad wont have to rely on a stranger entirely but you can only do what you can from a distance away, wherever it is you are, where your life is. He can't be your life once you make the transition from your mothers care being your life. Especially as an only child you can only do so much no matter what the relationship with each of your parents.

Going back to your mom, she wanted it that way. She didn't want it all to fall to you, to disrupt your life which is why she made the plans she did even if something is keeping her from using it at the moment. What would make the mother you have known and loved all your life, prior to her current illness, most happy is you being in her life as her daughter providing love and guidance, not her full time caregiver. I'm not suggesting you suddenly change everyone's lives and create upheaval, I imagine your current situation didn't happen overnight it happened gradually over time, taking on more and more until you suddenly realized your life had taken a 3rd row back seat, recapture it the same way. Reestablish your own life a little at a time, keep making the arrangements you do and each time he cancels them he can make sure the stuff get's done. Take the time for yourself to get a job, get involved, whatever it is that made you happy 3 years ago and filled your life. The happier you are the more benefit you will be for both parents and the more you will all get out of this time you have together. You mention being a single parent, is your child around?

Kimber166--who ever said anything is women's work? Men make a much bigger mess in the house than women do. If men and women are partners in life, they should help each other, not expect any one person to clean up behind them.

I only returned home because I was not very capable. Some was my own personality, others was the damage my narcissistic moo did. If I was self sufficient, I never would have gone home. Some of this is is guilt, or sense of obligation. There is nothing that states you have to drive miles and miles because a spoiled elder wants this. Why? Look at the childfree forums. Just say you're not having a kids and the inevitable blatting bingo: "who'll take care of you when you're oooold??". I think they lie. Or they may entertain the delusion that they won't be demanding. Then reality hits and they get scared. The bottom line is the child is answerable to their own family, not anyone's parents. And if a parent demands attention to the detriment of their own child's life, then the boundary has to be drawn. They get x amount of help, they get someone to come in and if the parent is stupid stubborn, then they're on their own.

This is too funny, sad but funny.

You're right, there are not any borders when it comes to parents being as you described. That fact is, one parent maybe like this while the other is not. Just like their kids....all raised the same way, yet all turned out different as adults.

I think it comes down to the mentality that I took care of you, its your turn to take care of me even if it is not expressed.

If your parents were raised during the Depression Era, many still feel the need to hoard their money for A RAINY DAY and helping them should not come out of the rainy day fund. They worked hard for the money and it is there as an emergency net.

Have you tried hiring someone, call them once you get to your Mother's home, introduce as a person in dire straights needing a job in this economy. Then allow them to do the lawn. Afterward, have Mom inspect it and provide a critique. Then speak with both of them (remember this person must play the part) about the job done and have your Mom do most of the talking to become comfortable. Then discuss the pay schedule for the job to be done exactly as it was that day. Again, let Mom take the lead in the discussion so that she feels that she is in control. Should she agree with the terms, then visit a time or 2 when the person is there to do the job, compliment your Mom as to what a great choice she made and how great the job is being done for her.

Its like when women need to have things done around the house or items need to purchased for the house etc. We, as women have our own ways of turning that around so our husbands think its their idea.

Trust me, that's how our daughter has been able to get daddy to pay for appliances or daddy-dos through Mom!! Sure, she can afford being a nurse, but its more fun to get daddy to do it if possible. Then Mom/daughter laugh about how easy it is to guilt daddy into doing it.

Many figure that you owe them because they raised you! Also they may be frugal, and don't want their children's inheritance money to be diminished.

You sound frustrated because you can't get your mother to do what you want. But the reality is that it's a lot easier to control yourself than it is to control others. If you want someone to rake the lawn, then hire someone yourself. You can use the money that your mother gives you for gas and food.

Thank you to Dorianne and Isthisrealyreal!!!

If I knew what I do now, I would have had Mom sell her white elephant and get an apartment. Once they cannot keep up with their homes, they need to get into a an apt or Independent living. What would they do if they had no children. There was a post a while back where the person asked her parents, would u want someone with no experience to do this, this or this for u. Her parentd said no. Then u don't want me. I think they r afraid of having strangers in their homes. What we all need to dovis say No. They forget we have our own lives with responsibilities. You need to say "do this for me". You need to say, I can't do it.

Adult children need to "put their foot down." You do not deserve to be a doormat for your elderly parents.

Dorianne - Thank you - you nailed it and that is the way I feel also!

Not every family is the same. DO NOT JUDGE!

I'm currently helping my mom deal with her hubby who is 'hospice at home', she took FML and quickly became exhausted/isolated. I have siblings who live nearby, her hubby has insurance w/ benefits/ CNAs and still they would not let people in the house. I'm here to make progress in that area and get some sort of schedule in place.  (CNA, nurse, siblings, pastor....) Today a walk-in shower is being installed so she won't be lifting his legs. They seem to expect me (I live in another country) to make things work. Most of my adult life they do little to communicate with me. Years back my mom said "I want you to be the one to look after me when I get old" after I bought them each "Before I Go You Should Know" from FCA so perhaps I planted that seed. I told her she should have thought of that earlier in our relationship...it is so frustrating. I left here in the early 80s. We all need to be more open with this so that people plan for that chapter of their life.

Steven, I loved the "Bonus Mom" bit. I have 2 daughters, when their children were little, they took turns babysitting them so they wouldn't have to go to sitters. Sue's children call their Aunt Nancy the "fun mom". LOL.

Isthisrealyreal and Dorianne, thank both of you for your posts. Both of you said my thoughts better than I ever could.

Dorianne, you covered it for me. Excellent summation.

I've only skimmed and I only have a few minutes, but just a few things:

1) If you're not caregiving your parent(s), please don't tell the rest of us how to feel about it.

2) Looking after your parent(s) isn't remotely the same as looking after a child, who can easily be lifted, changed, disciplined, put in time out, etc.. Children are also capable of learning; adults with dementia are only capable of regressing.

3) Don't assume our parents looked after all of us, or looked after us well.

4) Most of our parents didn't look after US without help, i.e.: babysitters, daycare, free babysitting from grandma, summer camp, summers at grandma's and/or....oh, having TWO parents to spell each other off, instead of being just one adult child caregiver. Many of these same parents are the ones now rejecting supports like home care ("babysitters").

5) Many of us now caregiving grew up in a different time, when children were released to the "wilds" after breakfast and told not to come back till supper time. I wouldn't try that with an AZ adult.

6) Among those of our parents who DID do hands on caregiving, very, very few of them them had 100+ year old parents when they themselves were in their 80s. Science and technology have increased our life spans, but our health still worsens as we age. 40% of caregivers die before their loved ones.

7) Also please don't assume that we wouldn't prefer (in a heartbeat) that our parents spend their money (IF they have any) on professional care rather than saving it for an "inheritance" we never asked for.  Indeed, many of us have begged them to do so. 

Two reasons (and you might not like either one of them):
• Their adult children don't say no.
• They are lonely and crave human interaction.
So, the antidote is:
• Set boundaries. If there is a negative impact on your life or your family, evaluate what support you can provide for your parent and then help them come up with a plan to meet the rest of their needs. As long as you say yes, being overcommitted is your fault.
• Get your parent a social life! Their children may be their only remaining relationships and that's not healthy (neither emotionally, mentally, or even physically).

If your parent has the resources, your parent's quality of life can be greatly improved by a move to community living. Ignore your parent's objections, do the research, and start planning.

DILburnout, you sound bitter about your MIL, I'm sorry that you have to be in that situation. Caring for someone that you have that kind of heart towards is so wearing.

Honoring your parents is not a commandment from God to give up your life, it is about respecting them. Adult offspring are no longer children, let's be clear about that. I am a Christian and I love The Lord and I know His word. His spirit is not about hurting others with His word. When my parents, who never introduced me to The Lord, start truing to guilt me with His word, I tell them that it is unfortunate that they did not raise their children as a loving family. I honor my parents by making sure they are cared for, it's more than they did for me. So please stop making hateful comments using the bible to beat people up with. You don't know the whole story nor the actual realities that people were raised under. Would you SHAME a woman that was sexually assaulted by her dad to shut up and care for him in his old age because he provided a house, clothes, food etc for her when she was young, kids have no choices, adults do.

Why do so many kids expect to receive their inheritance from their parents when they could give it to the outside help that the kids expect the parents to get?

That is just the way it is. Our parents care for us until we can care for ourselves and when they get old it is our turn to care for them. And believe me, they are very pained to watch their children experience pain and suffering along with them due to caring for them. Those that can express it will continuously tell their kids that they are sorry they are such a burden. But at the same time they are very grateful if they can have the comfort of their own child caring for them instead of some stranger (that for all we know might actually abuse or neglect them). Your turn will come and you will get old and then you will understand. If we can try to understand as best as we can, how another person feels about what they are going through, then it would be easier to accept it.

I just spent the last two years being the live in caretaker for both my parents. Mom with breast cancer and dad with kidneys and COPD. I myself have COPD but as the child it was my responsibility to care for them. I knew that and I accepted it. Mom passed on November 22, 2017 and dad passed on Feb. 25, 2018, 3 months and 3 days after mom. Yes, it was hard. At times it was very hard. But how could I, in good conscience, accept my inheritance if I didn't do my best to care for them? They were both on hospice in our home, in their home, but I was their main caretaker and I was there when both passed.

I am not saying that it is easy. It never is, but I hope that my own kids will not just dump me off on some medical strangers and go off on their own lives (which I did give them). I am making sure that their inheritance will make up for it. But I hope that I have taught them that is not why they should do it. God made us to serve others. Even Jesus washed the disciples feet.

Dorianne, your post is so timely. I have recently reached burnout and am as brittle as can be. The “old me” that always could and would jump into another’s breach is suffering a death. My 60-year-old sister is now wanting to stake a claim on my caregiving abilities as she’s facing a major surgery and is extremely passive and obese. She refuses to investigate her excellent insurance coverages and other professional helps I suggest to her, preferring to tangle her friends and adult sons into her needy web of hands-on-care. She doesn’t remember how I’ve been there for her through two surgeries, how I’ve helped her keep her house above water, and how I have helped her immensely over the years. Or that I’m caring for our 97-year-old father and my 85-year-old husband. She always snaps into “Nobody cares about me … I’m all alone … poor me”-- in spite of the excellent local supports available to her.

It’s a b#### to know what she’ll be facing and not just want to abandon my own precarious sanity to be the rescuer and mother she never had.

This morning I realized one of my issues is sorting through my need to have a heart vs. my need to be perceived as having a heart.

I am working through my empathy issues with a new awareness that bottomless empathy will kill me and my primary relationship. And yet, I feel selfish as I have a drive and imprinting to put others first, especially when they are in crisis. It seems absurd to be torn up about this, given that there are so many helps available to Sis and she refuses them.

What will your expectations be when you get older? What goes around comes around as they say. Your parents raised you and I do not know the circumstances ect but I do no believe in outsourcing elderly parents. You sound like you have a lot of resentment. Honor thy Mother and Father is a golden rule. It is not easy and if you need help then get it. But don't rely on strangers because all you need to do is go online and read some horror stories about how the elderly are taken advantage of and abused. Do what you can and be grateful you have your parents around. I lost mine way too soon and would of given anything to have had them in my life longer I am stuck with my mother in law who will live forever and she is an Ingrate. My parents were sweet kind people.

I think it is a selfish expectation to ask anyone to sacrifice their life for someone who has already had a full and rich life of their own. Having an open ongoing conversation regarding expectations is part of the bargain... as in ...MOM/Dad you need help and care here is what I can offer any suggestions on how would you would like to get what YOU need? How about an elder care lawyer to evaluate your resources and your needs . If there are more then one family member then again "here is what I can offer, what can you offer? It is a start. I speak from having a Father in law shipped to us ,he put a real damper on our lives for about ten years but when the estate came up everyone was all in with their rights

The answer is simply the lack of empathy. The loss of empathy is a hallmark of Alzheimers and dementia. As empathy fades they no longer recognize anyone else's feelings or desires, or even individuality. Not only do they not see how tired or hurt you are by their demands, they don't even recognize they you even have feelings or hurts. Your feelings and hurts and how anything that affects you, just do not exist. What they want is the ONLY "want". They prefer you to do it all, If they want something, that's all there is to it.

Wow well, I firmly believe the mindset comes from their era when generations lived together and nursing homes were not as plentiful. So you shouldn't take it personally. Second, I really don't want anyone taking care of me that feels I am a burden or holds contempt or resentment toward me so put your mother somewhere so you can live your life. Good Luck.

I lost my mother to Liver Cancer, she was 88 and in the latter stages of Dementia, it was a no win situation until she was released from her pain and misery.
Mom lived with me for 10 years, the First 6 years or so pretty indepently.
We pretty much did everything together.
Before mom, I had a Bonus Mom Wonderful Lady, very kind loving and a hugger. Pretty much the opposite of my mother. I looked after her for 10 years, the time between her husbands (Bonus Dad) passing and hers. The last three years with her she had dementia, and heart problems, her dementia caused visions which were hard to deal with.
Just as she passed, my mother was showing signs of Dementia.
It's a long process as many know. My Sister lived 400 miles away and my own children were very little help and lived nearby.
When I became too stressed we would go to my Sisters where my nieces and sister would help. Then when they needed a break I would being her home for a while. We had traveled back and forth for 60+years so it wasnt any thing new to mom and it was her home originally that my sister lives in.
After the decision was made to take Mom to my Sisters and stay there for the duration, mom was diagnosed with liver cancer, she lasted almost 8 months.
I wasn't ready for that, as I had projected in my mind a long stay taking care of at my sisters.
During this time I came across a sign that says "You will never regret doing the right thing" I believe it and keep the sign near.
I have many good memories, a lot of them are Pictures and selfies that I took when we were out together.
Fortunately I was retired when mom started living with me, but that meant 24/7 in the last 3+ years.
I would take a do over, not to see her suffer, but to hug her more and tell her more she is loved. My Sister and I didn't grow up with that compassion from either of our parents and where we lived there was only the 4 of us.
You do your best and hope it's enough, but not matter when it's all over you still wish you had done better.
My suggestion today would be give Mom or Dad or both a Hug today and reassure them you Love them.
No matter what else the day brings it will help all of you.

Oh RayL, my Mama is a joy and appreciative too of lots that I do. I love her. But that doesn't stop me from wishing she could "fix" her t.v. remote lol! Everyday I read these posts. Sometimes you want to cry. But there are many that make me laugh and sometimes that's all I need to make it through another day!

CTTN55, my mil remarried but not before she made her granddaughter - that she raised and considered her own child but fil didn't - her POA, and since she's not revoked it, I was told just yesterday by a lawyer I consulted with, that her new husband, therefore her children's "step-father", though not really sure they're called that if they had nothing to do with raising the children, has no legal responsibility to care for mil who now really has been told by "her?" doctor that she has dementia and has been put on medication; now, however, having said that, we know that mil made gd "financial" POA but we're not sure about medical, but it doesn't seem like it, because she didn't seem to want to have much to do with it, not wanting to take her to the doctor; one of mil's daughter's has been doing that, but yet - maybe because of any financial implications - they always make sure to inform gd/POA of what's said; oh, and she's also and govt employee's widow, so got the idea yesterday from them that her medical insurance might include LTC; no inheritance any longer, unless you count the property that all has a life estate for her on it; seems to different opinions as whether that has any financial value, or is even still valid since she's remarried; fil did leave her money to take care of her in the event that something like this happened, but, according to her, it all went to the other granddaughter, who's now living - along with her husband and 2 step-children - with her mother - not sure how she feels about it, so nothing for new hub, so he's not getting any benefit, maybe why he feels she's her family's responsibility

People just flat out live too damn long these days. They outlive their money, outlive any quality of life and the caregiver/kids are getting elderly and broken down. Yeah, folks in olden days did take care of the elders but in olden days they didn’t live to be 99 and have 8 docs to keep up with.

I’m a long distance caregiver. My folks are in care now but not before years of driving me nuts by refusing any and all,help. I had to wait them out, finally a bad fall then hospital to AL move.

My mom is coming up on 87. Without drugs and major medical,interventions she would have died at about 70. She has had about .02% quality of life for the last 5 years. Mom loved it when I’d make the trip and spend a week cleaning, cooking, fixing, driving etc. but meals on wheels? Cleaning service? No way. We’re just fine!