I am always surprised at the number of people on this forum who are unable/unwilling to set boundaries with a parent. Is it because of a lifetime of conditioning by the parent or do you feel it is disrespectful to just say NO to a parent?
My father was terrified of his mother. I am sure this was due to a lifetime of conditioning by her that she was always to be kept happy or there would be heck to pay. And as a child, you have no choice, but once you are a fully functioning adult, what is your excuse? He was a businessman, married with a child and a nice home. He lived 50 miles from his mother. He did not rely on her for anything, yet he was terrified of displeasing her. And he expected my mother and me to follow along. My mother was a very tolerant person, she did not get mad very often so she put up with a lot. I was a mouthy kid so I would say something to my grandmother if I felt she crossed a line. I found she didn't run roughshod over me as much as she did others because I would push back. Didn't know it at the time but I was setting boundaries that my father couldn't.
As an adult woman, I did not rely on my father for anything. I was not afraid of him as he had no power over me. I set a lot of boundaries with him as he aged. And he tried hard to break every last one multiple times. On occasion he was successful and I was mad at myself for allowing it. But that would just reinforce the need for me to have boundaries. He was well taken care of in his last years but not at the expense of me sacrificing my life (although on some days it did feel like it).
Why are boundaries so hard to establish?
But I have some really selfish, mean, narcissistic siblings who proved themselves to not be worthy of my time or effort when my mom got old and sick and they were nowhere to be found. After my mom's death I put up solid boundaries with them cause I feel I have nothing to be gained by letting them into my life and a whole lot of possible hurt if I did.
So, as I said in the beginning of my post. Boundaries are dependent on each individual relationship and what you stand to gain or lose by having them or not having them.
Most parents are willing to spend an extraordinary amount of money, time, and emotional energy to foster feelings of belonging and togetherness. There is nothing wrong with that and it can help build a healthy, tight-knit family. Sounds like your Mom was there for you Gershun.
Psychology is not science and should not be the only voice we listen to.
imo. Thus, the term psychobabble.
My husb is afraid of his mom. She verbally attacks the other wives. I havent seen it, but saw how they act around her. Not one son would stand up to her. One wife keeps her head down and says nothing at family visits and meals. The whole 4hr visit. I refuse to do that. I havent seen her in years or go to family functions. Im not doing it. She insulted me once in front of the other wives and grandkids. It was just my turn. She made sure her husb and sons were out of the room and couldn't hear. All 3 sons told me get over it. That i have to endure it. She's like that. I said no.
Husb was supposed to go to lunch with his mom, and then do something for me in the afternoon I needed help taking it down. He knew about it days before the lunch. It needed to be done that day. I had to drop it off at a persons house to be fixed. I thought he's gonna tell his mom in passing, and she will make sure he doesnt come home. Sure enough she planned his whole day. Driving her all over. It was to late to do it when he got home. And I had to apologize to the person I couldnt make it. It was an appt. He tried to start a fight over it, and I said nothing. I didnt want a fight for a week. So I decided side step all of it. His mom would have loved knowing she caused a big fight. I'm afraid since he's retired, she's going to start making him her servant. She is that type.
It's also weird when he talks to her, he has to go in another room or outside. I never did that when talking to my parents. I had nothing to hide. Sometimes after being with her, he'd start a fight. I think she picks his brain and sees where she can poke. Her sons cannot stand up to her. Not 1. Even the grandkids ignore her at family get together. They disappear like we are not there. They scarf dinner in 2 minutes, get up and leave the table in the middle of the meal and hide in their rooms. I've never seen anything like it. This happened every Thanksgiving/Christmas.
She flipped out one year that her 6 yr old granddaughter played with a toy my husb bought her for Christmas. She demanded the child stop playing with it, put it away, and play with the sewing machine she bought her. The child wasn't interested. Not one of her sons said let her play. It's Christmas. She made a huge stink over it. Was screaming and carrying on for 5 minutes over it. I thought Christmas toys were to play with? She was that jealous the child chose my husb toy over hers. She made a big production of showing her granddaughter sewing some fabric. The kid wasn't interested in sewing. Not at that moment. They all walk on eggshells for her.
It will never change. So you can't win that battle. I tried. It's not worth it. You have to side step the arguments because she wins then.
I suggest watching crappy childhood fairy on youtube. And how to spot a narcissist and how to deal with a narcissist. And how not be be narcissistic supply on youtube.
When an entire family is like this, it is maddening and I truly feel hopeless about my future with them.
As of today, I am not allowed back in her house to see my FIL because I refused to be her puppet. It makes me very sad and I am sure that is exactly the price that she (and all of them I suppose) wanted me to pay.