Why is my 93-year-old mother scared to be alone in her apartment?

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Why is my 93-year-old mother scared to be alone in her apartment?

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If you ask your therapist, they won't know, trust me on this one. My grandmother and my mom have done exactly the same thing. They have no concept of why they are scared to be alone, they just know that they are. When I was a kid and mowing my grandmother's yard she would watch me like a hawk. One time after I had mowed, I was on the front porch talking to her and her cross the street neighbor, who was a single man, was working on his car. She said to me "once you get gone he's going to break into this house and kill me dead". He didn't and she delt with her fear. My mom had some issue with her cable one day and she reported the issue. They sent a worker to fix it. She called me when he got there and asked to come to her place to "See if I could figure out what he was telling her" I went and the worker had reset her box. Later she told me that he had scared her, he was a different race. You've done what you can, that's all you can do. You can't affect change and you won't, ever.

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No but therapy will teach her how to be less upset about the things her mom says. And how to handle things in general better. Therapy should show people how to help themselves

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Have you made that therapy appointment yet?

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Barb, I'm first trying to organize my place because I have neglected my home taking care of them. When everything is done, I will be making appointments. Is she a sick person all of these years? I guess a therapist won't be able to answer that, unless she meets with her. Like I said, I think there were a few relatives that had mental issues. My grandmother started drinking when she left my grandfather, my aunts were crazy, my brother, my uncle - now that I think about it there a lot of things going on.

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Really hurt right now - my mom said the treatment made my husband look ugly and that he was always ugly and now he's worse. She has told me he was not attractive years ago. She was laughing about his turkey neck, swollen lips, etc. I answered her what about Dad's big nose? She made a face like that's mean. Is she for real????

He was cranky the other day and she wanted him to come upstairs and relax on her couch and when he told her he couldn't she said nastily - that's ok and hung up abruptly. I remember now that every time she was upset with him, she said mean things about him to me, but when I reversed it she was hurt about her husband.

PS - I just recalled what she said last month: what a nice couple you are and said Dennis is handsome in some picture. She has been back and forth with this since 37 years ago.

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Moms just pushing back Because you are pulling away. Many of us told you this is what was going to happen.

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I always try to go with them to their doctors appointments. I ask a lot of questions that they would not think of. My husband told me that my Dad told my mom that his doctor brought in a whole team of doctors when there were only 2. That's why we have to go with them at this point. My husband attends my oncology and pulmonary doctors appointments. He has a fantastic memory. I've been taping the other doctors appointments, which really helps.

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Asking a lot of questions to the doctors is good. Remembering the answers and being able to put it all together is even better. Do you have a medical journal for each one of them? The medical journal could be simply a composition book where you record people's names (doctors, dentists, drugstores, etc.) and what happened at the visit. If you went to the drugstore, what drugs did you pick up. When did you ask for what refill. A separate journal for each parent. You could add, if they went to a restaurantm what they ordered, what they liked/disliked also.

My Mom was a reader. Just reading the journal, triggered memories and made her feel more in control of her life. She would read it over, and over again and ask me questions...and also tell me what she wanted me to do in the future. The real use I got out of it was that it helped me know, what was the last appointment she had with which doctor, and all the nuances of the visit (e.g. she had no reaction to x medication). I added to the journal places we went, what we ate, so it also tracked her behavior. When she read the journal, she could remember who she met and why, and also reflect upon what else happened. Sometimes I had to write in code so she wouldn't get upset.

However the bottom line, was that she felt better about herself and more in control of her life (without asking me all the questions, repeatedly) because she could read about her life and review what was going on. What I think was happening was that life was going too fast for my Mom, and the journal allowed her to relive that part of her life, just at a slower pace.

Also, is there a senior day care in your area? Perhaps your Mom and Dad could go there once or twice a week, just to get some new and changing experiences in their life so that their life is not as routine. It could also help the brain cells so that she is able to remember things more easily.

Just thoughts.

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Good grief. As a former Floridian, I have never known anyone to express that it was a negative when snowbirds weren’t there.

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Your mother “ has been pouty all her life “.

This is not going to improve .

My parents always traveled together all 3 of us when they got really old . All 3 of us would be cramped in the exam room at the doctors . Mom always wanted Dad with her whether it was at home or out after her stroke and subsequent dementia .

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Let us know when you've scheduled a therapy appointment, Romeo.

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Some posted earlier about friends, and if you have any to talk to.

I agree it would be great if you had someone close to you to talk to.

But I also want to say , friends when your deep into caregiving can be hard to keep and hard to find.

I got great distance going with 2 friends that I use to talk to all the time. They caused me too much drama , either they where never there for me when I really needed them, or they were giving me the oh poor you but ( to much sympathy)
Honestly I had very few people I could turn to. And now I'm so glad I dumped them 😆. Because I realized they were not that different than my mom.

That's why I suggested journaling a while back on your other question.

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Any time my Mom or Dad (in their 90's) had a doctor's appointment both of them went along. They always did that, so one is never left at home worrying about the other.

Now, I would go into the exam room with my parents at the beginning, so I could be another set of ears. Plus the doctor would glance at me to see if the info my Mom or Dad was giving was correct, I wouldn't say anything just nod yes or no.

It was always interesting on the drive home, hearing my parents discuss that doctor appointment. I usually find myself thinking "were we in the same room???" because of some of things they were saying :)

Now that my hubby and I are older, we go together to appointments. I would sit in the waiting room, or he would, it just a comfort having the other there.

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FF, yes! I have been in those shoes, were we in the same room?

I think selective hearing is a survival mechanism and gets more prominent with age. I have seen it with my parents and my elderly friends.

Going together is a great idea.

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Patience, patience, patience.

Your Mom is probably dependent upon your Dad to stabilize her fears. If your Mom was a super independent person up to now, she might have an early form of dementia where she no longer trusts herself because so many times, what she remembers is not the way it is happening or has evidence of the way it happened.

Bottom line: She will not be returning to the independent person she once was. However, you can help her to be more confident on who she is. Give her honest feedback on what she remembers and doesn't remember. Do not tease her about her memory or lack of memory. If she is hard of hearing (which might be the reason why she can't remember), write it down for her....

....and as long as she lacks confidence, consider taking her along for the appointments with your Dad, and vice versa. The lack of your Dad being there could be making her paranoid, which only makes the anxiety worse, which ultimately thankfully, makes her reach out.

The good news? She is reaching out. Many seniors suffer, and then get sucked in by scammers. Make this a time where you and she will learn and establish new routines that will build open communication and trust. You will need that unconditional trust from her as her life no longer resembles what she, as an independent woman, had.

My best wishes to you as the stones change in the journey of life.

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Thank you - my mom and I always went with my Dad to his appointments (he had more issues). She doesn't go now because of logistics with her walking etc. You make a lot of sense.

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I will get help and thank you for all of these great answers. I'm just trying to cope. You all make sense. The friend who called to give me that depressing news asked how we are doing. I really do not feel like responding to her phone call. What should I do?

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Just don’t answer the call then put it out of your mind.

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OK - I can't get away from this - my parents' friend in Florida just called ME to tell ME that they can't reach them by phone and to also tell ME that their other friend fell in the apartment and needs a pacemaker put in. I just told my mom yesterday - none of your friends or you planned your "elder years" - what would happen if your kids die first, where would you live etc. I literally told her about her friend who has loads of money and can go into a beautiful facility. I said that is so selfish of all of you to burden your children and neighbors and to make them worry about whether or not you're going to fall and die on the floor all by themselves and then burden your kids and neighbors to come and pick them up off the floor. I can understand they are all hanging on to their lives literally, but how selfish is that! What kind of generation did they come from???? Now, I have to get phone calls from their neighbors telling me depressing news. I know these people, but I really, really don't care. I literally told my mother that her friend is going to fall any minute and she did - hobbling around with a walker at 90 years old. How selfish!

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My parents neighbor called to ask my then 78 year old dad to help her off the floor when she fell.

Dad actually did it and then she called a second time. When my mom mentioned it to me I told her that he should not be picking anyone up off the floor at his age coupled with a bad back and that next time it happens they need to call 911 for a lift assist.

Sure enough not even 2 days after that phone conversation the neighbor fell and called my dad for another rescue.

This time he refused and called 911 for her.

If it wasn't for this board I never would have known to advise them to do this.

You don't have to talk to or speak with your parents old neighbors in Florida. It's not your job to listen to every old person in a 2000 mile radius, so please stop being that person.

Yes they are selfish BUT your parents take the cake on their utter selfishness. Focus on them and your own life and problems. You have no time to listen to the foolishness of these other people.

Just let the phone call go to voice mail if they call you again. There is no law that says you have to pick up the phone.

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Your mother is not and never will be your grandmother.

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I don't think after all these years your going to change your parents. As my daughter says "you made these monsters". You allowed them to be too much of your life. Once you were an adult and married, they needed to depend on each other not you. Now they are in their 90s you want to back off.

All you need is boundaries for you. They will try to cross them but u stand firm. You should have allowed them to go to an AL.

I think after 100+ replys we have said it all. This is a problem we are not there to help you with.

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I love what your daughter said: Just want to add to it. "You made these monsters. Now they live under your bed."

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If you want to know why your mom is afraid in her own apartment, why don't you just ask her instead of asking us? Who better to get the response from than the horse's mouth right?

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Looks like AC removed half of my post which started with....Oh Lord, here we go again, and then at the end something to the effect that the OP needs WAY more help than we can provide, but sadly will never get it because she really doesn't want it.

I have no idea what was so bad about what I wrote that AC felt the need to revise it. I was only speaking the truth.

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"Until my Dad retired and she sat in the car and let him go supermarket shopping etc." Well that is mighty nice of her to let dad go into the store by himself while she sat in the car and waited. If that was the case she could have stayed at home by herself while dad went to the store.

Do you see a pattern here with mom? She cannot be alone and sitting in the car doesn't count.

If your mom wants to pout like a 93 year old child then let her pout. Of course she's going to be moody and upset when you STOP doing what you always do. You aren't being the "good" daughter and by "good" daughter that means as long as you are doing what she wants you are fantastic and when you aren't she gets mean and nasty.

I challenge you to stay in your own home and do not go up there today. Feel all the negative feeling associated with being the "bad" daughter and be OK with that for today.

I wonder how your parents helped you and your husband when you were dealing with your cancer treatments. Did they cook for you, grocery shop for you, clean the house? What exactly did they do for you?

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One more idea; one more thing.
In your last discussion thread RealyReal make the solid good point that you have made a decision, you and your hubby, to live in the same building with your folks, and to be daily involved in their care. And that this "worked" for you, in a sense.

I agree with that up until you express your fears for yourself, your hubby, your stress, your health.

I have a question here: Do you have a friend? Do you have another family member, close or distant, living in your city or cross country? Is there SOMEONE/ANYONE you can talk to daily about the daily concerns you have, whether small or large. Someone just to share with? Or are WE that? And if we are that, are there not some few on your thread (I think of Nacy or Misery offhand) who might have time to chat with you in private messaging? Are you at all a fan of Facebook? So many groups there for likeminded. I mean I belong to Peeling Paint Society. Go figure.

Just want to encourage you, with all on your plate, don't neglect, or do try to find, at least one good friend--whether that be online or in a support group or even in your own family.

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Romeo:
I hope that the admins will consider removing this new question to the "Discussions" section, and I hope you'll consider that great thread in future. The admins closed your previous question to comments after some 150 or so responses:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-93-year-old-mom-gets-upset-when-i-tell-her-i-need-to-go-downstairs-to-my-apartment-i-feel-like-a--489715.htm

I suspect this closing could be because some of these questions turn to a sort of neighborly chit-chat (which is fine, but more appropriate to "Discussions" imho.)

I think your specific question to us today indicates you're continuing to have trouble making simple decisions for yourself; you've told us a lot about your anxiety, and this is certainly a symptom of anxiety--the inability to make decisions. I think that falls under that "waiting for therapy" you discussed in your last question.
And I think however you choose to handle today's dilemma will work out just fine.

So many of our fears in caregiving surround the fact that they are so elderly (yours in their 90s) that we worry anything could happen at any time. We kind of hover and wait. When folks ask what to expect in caregiving I always say "the unexpected". Your day today started by proving that point.

Sorry Dad is off to get checked again, and mom is anxious. But this is your daily routine more or less. We know how hard it is for you, and you have our sympathy. I hope the day gets better.

I am self-reporting myself so that admins can decide for themselves if you should perhaps consider "Discussions" for this type question now or in future. Take care, Romeo!

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So, when is your therapy appointment? I think others may be correct, Lisa T's twin.

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Romeo's message this a.m. to us makes me think that she badly needs a few good friends. Perhaps MORE than a therapist in all truth, and I say that as someone who often recommends therapy. I think she needs someone to TALK TO just about the daily daily of it all. On her last thread RealyReal made the observation that she should stop listening to all of us and all our opinions of getting parents into care and etc.....that perhaps--just perhaps--her living in the same building with her very aged parents is in some sense WORKING for her.
Today's post DOES make me think that she just really needs to TALK to someone about the day.

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I keep telling her I have things to accomplish in my place because I went to Florida for 2 months and then for 2 months have been upstairs helping you. I told her I have a life downstairs and she looks perplexed - she really, really thinks I'm still in her womb! Then she says the most irritating things - I was telling her I'm going to make chinese dumplings and she goes and says Aw - made it for your father - I turned around and snapped at her saying - You know I always make them for him - why wouldn't I know - she answers back - I didn't mean anything by it. Please, she has said things like that all of your life - like my husband and I are so mean to them!

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Stop telling her details . It’s a stall tactic to keep you there. Just say “I have chores “ . Period . Cut out the chit chat . And leave. If she starts asking what chores , just say “ I don’t have time to talk , gotta go “
And GO .

If you are tired of these games , don’t play them , leave .

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Why is my 93-year-old mother scared to be alone in her apartment?

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