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We hired a family member to come stay with my Mom 3hrs./3 days a week. We are also looking to enroll her in medical day care. I would never ask my friends to sit with my mom.
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cpell122112 Jun 2022
You HIRED A FAMILY MEMBER? Ok, excuse me but, if you could hire a family member, although the words "Family Member" really doesn't go together with words like, "To look after mom". If you have something you can hire someone with, why not a home health aide?
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Some people are just not good at initiating things like that. You did say that when you specifically asked for help she agreed, and then your appointment fell thru. SO maybe you should be direct and say "I have a really big favor to ask you. Would you be willing to stay with my mom for 2 hours per week, so I could go out and run some errands and just take a breather?" Your other friend obviously has more of a server personality where she anticipates the needs of others. This friend doesn't. It's not a knock against her, it is just the way she is wired. She obviously cares for you, and has been a good friend. She just doesn't anticipate needs.
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Fear: Fear that something could happen to your LO while under her care. Selfish: Selfishly unaware of your feelings because she’s into her own life. Sometimes, people who have never walked in our shoes are oblivious to what we face and how we feel. We THINK that they should be sympathetic but often they are clueless to our world. You can come right out and ask her to do it, but don’t be disappointed if she’s uncomfortable about it.
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cpell122112 Jun 2022
I don't think it's selfish for a friend who helps occasionally to back off when "occasional" is becoming "frequent". A line has to be drawn somewhere.
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Maybe she's sending you a message. Even good friends are no replacement for professional care givers. I'm sure your friends are great. But there's the point. They're FRIENDS who OFFER to help OCCASIONALLY It sounds to me like they're trying to tell you to either contact an AL or a HHA. And nothing personal, but it also sounds like your taking advantage that they'll always be available to come running whenever you call and that's not fair to them. Or your mom.
Start looking for other avenues. If your mom has any kind of government funding help, SSI SSD Medicare/Medicaid a pension anything like that, that may help to pay for either an AL or a Home Health Aide.
It's time to cut your friends and yourself a little slack and do what's best for everyone, especially your mom.
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You answered your own question. You have a friend who generously (frequently?) helps and a friend who sees it’s as support on a repeatable indefinite basis.
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It sounds like either she does not like old people or she is afraid of the responsibility of caring for your Mother.
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Beatty Jun 2022
🤔 Liking old people & afraid..

Friend may *like* the Mom very much..

I would change the word *afraid* to *aware*.

She is *aware* of the responsibility of caring for your Mother".

She is probably also aware that the responsibility is in no way hers.
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Your friend probably watches you struggle and has set an imaginary border of not getting involved. You can ask her why she never offers if you prefer the blunt truth.

How about calling "Visit Angels," or seeking out respite care at a local senior facility?
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ConnieCaretaker Jun 2022
Oops..............Visiting Angels
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I NEVER expected my friends to come and sit with my mother while I ran errands. I hired and paid sitters to do that.

I think it is UNREASONABLE of you to expect friends to be your unpaid sitters. I hope you compensate the friend that does help. Her time and generosity should not to be taken and used for free again and again.
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Maybe you can hope for, (but not expect back), support only to the extent of the travail-support you have already actually given.

It maybe helpful to kind of categorize and periodically recategorize friends as you each evolve.

There are friends who are able to offer say 3 skill sets. 1) great shopping buddy. 2) great foodie buddy. 3) great listener and advisor. After 5 years they offer more or less.

Recatagorize this one who's been letting you down in the Mind-Reading-and-Help category to the I Enjoy Her Politics category, or Garage Sale Buddy category, or Always Finds Great New Restaurants category.

Not everyone has to do something. I had a friend that was completely useless except she was hilarious.
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I would never expect my friends to help me with my parents (now just my Mom) It would be nice if family helped and I am lucky to have a sister who comes every couple of months.

It sounds like you need someone to fill in so you can attend to your appointments etc. hire an Aide to sit with her one day a or two half days a week so you can have some time to tend to your needs.

i am glad you have at least one supportive friend, you are blessed
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Be thankful they are friends and appreciate the support they give you in other ways through listening, etc. Also, please recognize that you don’t really know what goes on in other peoples lives or how much free time they have. It’s kind of the older person’s version of assuming housewives have nothing to do all day but watch soap operas if you think your friend has few obligations. Even if she did have few obligations, friends can be friends without being your babysitter, or elder-caregiver.
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Do you ever unburden on her? Say- I had such a hard time turning my mom in the bed this morning. Or she almost fell off the toilet. I had a hard time getting her there. She was very stiff today. If she hears those stories, she might think she's not up to that task.
Id keep her as a good friend, and get someone to watch mom. Maybe you 2, can go do something fun. And leave your caregiving burdens behind for a few hours. You need a break too, and shouldn't put that on her. Good way to destroy a friendship. Keep the friend and get a sitter.
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RoxaneF: It is NOT your good friend's responsibility to provide care for your mother, albeit for an hour. Your friend may not possess medical knowledge nor really be in tune to your mother's health requirements.
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Lifelong friend of mine and I each had our own caregiving struggles going on with elders, but we both stayed out of the other one's situation - other than just to listen. We never discussed helping each other and never made any assumptions as to what the other could or couldn't do. In the depths of my caregiving depression, I slipped a little bit and did let myself wonder why Friend didn't offer to help me.... but it was my desperation tapping me on the shoulder rather than a true desire to drag a dear friend into a situation that she could not truly improve for me - let alone resolve it. Best to keep friends out of it - unless it's a true, self-contained, single instance of help without further assumptions of what else the friend might be able to do. People who help who do not want to be caregiving or are afraid of the situation are not going to continue to treasure the friendship that led them into that abyss.
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Theres nothing going on except for the fact it’s not socially expected that you sit for a friends relative. It sounds like both your friends are supportive but it’s not at all the case that being a supportive friend means that’s supposed to include taking care of someone’s 93 year old parent—- it’s a job even many adult kids of the parent avoid and pass on to hired caregivers. There’s also liability- it’s just not the type of thing that’s considered a every day part of what it means to be a supportive friend is. Look into other relatives, or make use of a agency who can have someone watch her for those occasional times. Also you aren’t required to continue doing this if it’s causing you too much stress
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Some people simply don't want the responsibility or stress of being a caregiver. She is obviously a good sounding board and emotional support for you. It sounds like although caregiving is not her jam, she is willing to help you out in a pinch, which tells me she cares about you and is a good friend to you. Perhaps you should look into getting respite care for mom so that you can spend more time with your friends, and also start doing some things you enjoy.
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Because it’s not her responsibility. You shouldn’t expect it either.
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I agree with most of the responses. But I do have to say that not everyone is comfortable with elderly people just as some people love to be around babies and other do not. I would rather sit with a cranky elderly person than an angelic child. So it goes the other way too. My childhood best friend, who was my maid of honor and with whom I've just celebrated 50 years of friendship, never once offered to babysit my two children, and they weren't bad kids (not just a mom's opinion - I had a preschool teacher tell me that my husband and I needed to have more kids to make up for the crazy ones). She just didn't like kids.
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Hire a caregiver sitter a couple of times a week on a regular basis so you can take care of your business and get a break. It is best to have that arranged anyway; since your mother is in her 90's, you are elderly yourself. I am sorry your life has shrunk but that is your doing and now you need to look at how you might change your situation for the better. You don't mention finances and that could be a factor but no way you should think that your friend failing to bail you out is because she is a bad friend.
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If you have read any of these forums, you will find a common thread....we can't even get assistance from our siblings or other family members who should be helping. I would never expect a friend of mine to take on that kind of responsibility and I definitely wouldn't ask.

This isn't your friends issue. You need to hire help.
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