Any thoughts on why so many of our parents have the 'sense of entitlement' when it comes to us doing the caregiving?

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Any thoughts on why so many of our parents have the 'sense of entitlement' when it comes to us doing the caregiving?

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sandwich, that is a good answer so I will try and keep it in mind. Sadly I don't have much mind left I suspect.
For whatever reason, people leave me alone on the subject of kids.

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I just thought of a reason such verses don't seem to fit at times. The words are intended to fall on the ears of Godly people, who would raise their children with wisdom and love. Paul said in a couple of places that parents should not provoke their children to anger. In dysfunctional families, children are often provoked beyond a point that is tolerable, with them either becoming broken-spirited or totally rebellious.

Listen to me, sounding like a Biblical scholar. Really I have problems with the Bible. I find God when I go outside and look at the stars or watch the animals. Now, if a snake walks up to me on four legs and starts talking, I might have second thoughts.

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I grew up Baptist with a literal interpretation of the King James Bible. Honor your father and mother is a commandment like Don't Steal, Don't Lie, etc.

It doesn't say that having personal boundaries and ensuring your own health and wellbeing is dishonoroable to your parents. It doesn't say to stick around and put up with abuse because of a blood relationhip. It doesn't say that you have to sacrifice your own life and livlihood to make up for what your parents failed to plan for.

Honor doesn't mean blind obedience to a person who has lost their mind. It means that I respect my parents, but as an adult myself, I get to use good sense and do what keeps them safe, clean, healthy, and in as good a shape as possible.

For those of us who came from an abusive home situation, honoring that abuser takes on a whole different meaning. I don't have to put myself in a position to be abused or experience old traumas.

I honor my abusive mother by not telling her off, not calling her the names she has rightfully earned, and not giving her the chance to behave so badly toward me. I honor her by placing her in a facility that can meet all her needs.

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I can't begin to contribute to any biblical or other religious references! The idea of my older brother taking responsibility though...well, that ain't gonna happen.

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TWOCENTS - you should answer those people back with "why do you assume your children WILL take care of you? They may have their own problems!"

:-D

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There are lots of things in the Bible, but that does not mean that any possible interpretation of those things if necessarily correct. Nor does it mean cherry picking phrases to support one's ideas. Another thing to keep in mind is that the Bible was not written in modern English, so the issue of older social forms and cultural traditions has to be taken into account. But for sure, honoring one's parents is not the same as slavish obedience, self -destruction nor enabling abuse. Don't be afraid to ask questions of people whose judgment you trust as to how they interpret these things. When abuse is occurring, then you are looking at a false interpretation.

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I have questions with the "honor thy father and mother" commandment. The word honor to me means to respect and make them proud. If we live a good life, that honors them greatly. This verse also assumes that a child will be raised by wise and good parents. Suppose our father was Jesse James and he wanted us to go shoot lawmen and rob banks. I wouldn't want to obey that request.

In Biblical times the Jewish tradition was for the eldest son to care for the mother if she is widowed. The eldest son also received the birthright. We see the eldest son taking care of his mother when Jesus -- Mary's eldest son -- told John that Mary was now his mother. John would take care of her.

So if anyone wants to use Biblical reference, I guess we can say that Big Brother will have to step up. Of course, he will also get the birthright -- something that might make other potential heirs a little miffed.

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I hope I don't get any flake for this answer. The reason is in my humble opinion, is because of the 10 commandments. Honor your father and mother. The older generation was raised on this. I am not sure I am there anymore. Likewise a lot of things in the Bible. A lot of people were raised like this and so now they think they are entitled.

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Tinyblu, you hit the nail on the head at the other end of the spectrum. I too am 'childfree': do not call me childless. there is a difference.
Fortunately, I have not been 'bingoed' much my life. However, this is what a lot of other childfree encounter: the bingo from others 'who will take care of you in your old age??' This is a REAL attitude out there; and whether or not one has kids, this seems to be the prevailing and multiplying attitude. I think this tends to be the easiest path which is why so many travel it.

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My parents are both dead and I am an only child. My problem is the 92yr. old uncle that is still hanging on and he isn't even my blood kin. He was married to my mother's sister that died a couple of yrs. ago at the age of 93. They had no children and spent their time making my life hell until I had enough and ran away at 19 and married my husband. We lived in another state 1,000 miles from them until about 20yrs. ago when they decided to move near me so I could take care of them in their old age. My mother and father were both dead by this time. Alright, I helped take care of her until just a few months before she died (cooked meals, took them to dr., ran errands). She had Alzheimers and I finally convinced him to put her in a nursing home when he could no longer keep up with her. I got the guilt trip because I didn't move in to help him with her. I have a husband, two adult children, and two grandchildren that uncle thought were not as important as him and aunt. She has been dead about 4yrs. now and he still lives by himself, but expects me to fix his meals and take him places and still run his errands. You have no idea how sick I am of that man!!!! His family has had nothing to do with him for yrs. and he has only 1 friend that comes by to check on him or calls him every few days. Mind you, he was the "creepy uncle" that tried to molest me and chased off my friends and especially boyfriends when I was young. I am 62yrs. old and would love a life without him in it before I die. I swear he will outlive me. Like someone else on here said, I also was raised being told I should never get married because I was the only one there was to take care of all 4 of them when they got old. They were so mad when I ran off and got married that my mother was the only one that talked to me for about a yr. I guess I stick with helping him because it was so ingrained in me as a child that I was responsible for them all. I just don't want to spend whatever life I have left messing with him and his needs. It has bothered me so much lately that I even talked to my pastor about this. I feel bad for him because he is alone, but the life he lived and his choices made it that way for him. Thanks for listening to my vent.

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I would love to hear an analysis why anyone thinks it would be okay to use another person like this. I guess they figure that letting the woman live with their delightful selves would be enough.

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JessieBelle, oh my gosh, I would want to go over to those 80+ fellows and give them a reality lesson. If the guy has any money, there are the Anna Nicole Smith's of the world who would eventually get them to change their Wills :P

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In general, I don't feel like anybody is entitled to be entitled for the most part. I do the things I can and choose what will let me sleep at night. If it's not what my mom wanted, well, too late now. Guess you should have been willing to plan ahead and work with the people who could have helped you instead of being a recalcitrant paranoid biddy decades before the dementia set in. We are all just doing the best we can here.

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JessieBelle - AMEN & Hallelujah. There needs to be a contract in place to define the caregiving job and remuneration. Even between family members. Otherwise, somebody is going to be taken advantage of somehow.

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I was listening to some 80+ year old men talking today and thought how relevant it was to this thread. They were talking about what they would want if they married again. The consensus was that they wanted a woman young enough to take care of them, and one who would let them leave their assets to their own children. They didn't want their kids to lose their inheritance to the new wife. I didn't say anything, but wondered why they thought any woman would do this -- marry them to be their caregiver and get nothing in return. Then I thought about how it is the mindset of many elders that we read about here when it comes to their own children. Today I read another thread about a daughter who quit her job to move in with her father, who refused to help her financially in return when things got bad. What creates this mindset, I don't know. There needs to be some quid pro quo or the caregiver can face poverty on down the road.

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My mother's "sense of entitlement" has lessened a bit since my husband developed dementia and the disease is progressing rapidly. Initially, she wanted me to leave my home and him and move into her house to care for her and my mentally ill brother. And it had to be according to how she wants everything done. She has been difficult all of my life and it is making my life living hell! I know that my husband is my primary responsibility. My priority is him. And since she refused to move to my city so that I could take care of them here as well, she has fend for herself since all the outside help I have gotten for her is not accepted. It is hard to deal with the guilt and the dread. When she becomes bedridden, I don't know what I can do then. I don't have any answers. But I will pray for all other caregivers who are doing God's work. God bless you all

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sandwich42plus, don't forget:

15. Faster than a speeding bullet
16. More powerful than a locomotive
16. Able to leap tall buildings at a single bound

I know exactly how you feel. I've mentioned to my parents that whenever they need an extra pair of hands around the house, in their best interest to hire an experienced certified caregiver who knows exactly what to do.

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This is an interesting discussion, I just turned 60 with 3 sibs and 2 elderly parents, 86 and 87, who still live independently but are increasingly needing help and attention. Mom has always told me that "I don't want to go to the poor house," and "I don't want you kids to have to take care of me." This puts me in a quandary as I worry about them but am trying not to make them reliant on me. Sister lives out of state, one brother is temporarily out of state, and one brother who lives nearby has opted out of any assistance. I am single, no kids, and have spent the last 30 years saving for my own retirement and old age. My parents are living on SS and have nothing of value other than a modest family home. They are coping on their own and really make few demands on me but I know that in the near future I will be the one having to deal with all of this. I have made it a point of telling them "if you need me to find you a plumber, a roofer, a gardner, etc. I will, but I am not going to do it for you, I hire people to do those things for me." I have urged them to move to a nearby senior apartment community that I will help subsidize but they cant face giving up 4 bedrooms, an attic, and a full basement of "stuff." When I consider if I am being selfish I remind myself that from age 6-21 I lived at home and with my sister and did most of the house cleaning, bed making, helping with meals and cleaning the kitchen, and laundry. So I consider them well paid for my food and keep. And once I turned 14 I used my baby sitting money for my own clothes and other personal needs. I got a job at 15 that helped pay for other needs, college fees, gas money, eventually a car. And although I lived at home into my 20's I did my own laundry, cleaning, cooking and paid Mom rent. So no, as heartless as it sounds I don't feel they are entitled to my 24/7 attention. Any help they need is available to them for a small fee in their community, I can help them access it as long as they insist on being independent. I love them but it is not good for any of us to make me the unpaid caregiver.

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My mom has "one daughter", but this one daughter is not:

1. A trained nurse
2. A certified physical therapist or occupational therapist
3. A janitor
4. Trained in the mandatory health & safety regulations of dealing with bodily fluids and sick people
5. A dietician
6. An Activities Specialist who has been educated on what kind of activities which type of patient needs for stimulation
7. Able to lift heavy loads
8. Able to safely transfer an adult human being with limited mobility
9. Aware of what side effects could happen or what they look like when they are happening
10. A psychiatric nurse
11. A dog to call on demand
12. In possession of industrial grade laundry machines to handle very large loads
13. A taxi service
14. Able to do more than one of the above at the same time. Nobody can.

So there are 12 reasons why I won't even consider care in my home for my narcissistic dementia-having mother.

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Ashlynne, I certainly understand your situation. I had to chuckle at the whistle comment. My dad hasn't thought of that or I am certain I would have been asked to do the same.

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I just stumbled on this while searching for assistance for my parents, both in their 80"s. I agree, my father expects us to be there for him, he's always telling everyone, "oh I have 4 daughters" so no rehab, etc., because he has 4 daughters. I have health issues myself and I and my 3 sisters were splitting up the time between us, well with my health I had to quit work and quit being a caregiver. My husband and I both have heart conditions and I have several other health issues at this time. Anyway when I quit being a caregiver my parents told me that was fine and that I had to take care of myself. Well my sisters were a different story. They accused me of never wanting to be a caregiver in the first place, and have barely spoken to me since, almost a year now. I think they are very resentful being put in the caregiver situation and think I am out enjoying myself, I don't have a week on the calendar without some kind of Dr. appointment. I had major back surgery in June 2014. But they still think I am dodging my responsibility.
But like many of you have said, caregivers are giving up part of their lives with their husbands/wives, children and grandchildren and I think this is part of my sisters resentment and they are taking it out on me. One of my sisters have told me she has no respect for me, when in reality I think she has no respect for herself because she feels forced into a situation she doesn't want to be in. I love my parents and would be helping if I could.

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As for my aging parents and for me, this is all new unchartered territory for both of us as to what to do.

As I think back, no one in either side of the family ever took care of their parents under the same roof. Everyone had their own home. If the elder went into the hospital, they died there. My Dad's Mom had a stroke at 91 so she had to leave her single family home and go into a nursing home, died months later. My cousin's Mom finally had to go into a nursing home at 100 because she could no longer function, died weeks later, otherwise she lived in her own home, and her son [only child] didn't live with her. Same with my other cousins.

It wasn't until I started reading this website here that I learned that grown children were under the same roof as their elder parents. None of my friends were caring under roof with their parents.... nor anyone in my peer group doing the same. My boss was caring for his wife, so that was a different ballgame, yet none of their 6 children were under roof with them, he hired Caregivers.

So we all come from different backgrounds, different cultures, different family dynamics. This is all a learning curve for all of us.

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My mother has been a totally self absorbed narcissist with delusions of grandeur life long. We've never been close and I spent a lifetime avoiding her if possible. After her mother passed she refused to care for her father as it would be "too much trouble and I'm not washing his dirty underwear". The old man could be difficult but he was able to walk, bathe and see to himself ... all she'd have to do was feed him and do laundry.

When she could no longer manage alone (parkinsons, strokes and increasing dementia), purely out of duty, I sold my home, quit my career and moved 200 miles to live in her gloomy freezing basement and care for her. Her condition deteriorated rapidly. Four years later, after a bad fall and a spell in hospital it was evident I could no longer care for her alone (and she wouldn't allow anyone else in the house) so she went to a NH.

That was over two years ago and she's spent those two years in her room ranting, raging and planning where she's going to move to ... either with me (impossible) or some five star type resort facility where she'll be waited on hand and foot (which doesn't exist). A year ago, on the edge of a breakdown due to her daily screaming calls, I had a blackout driving my truck at 85 so I changed my phone number and made it unlisted.

When I visited yesterday she'd decided she'd go live with Joan. Joan, a long ago acquaintance, visits a couple of times a year, is in her 80s, has a sick husband, grown children, dogs and an active social life {rolling eyes}. She also wants me to get her a whistle because the NH staff don't run immediately when she pushes the buzzer for assistance ... assistance in opening her apple juice or something {again, rolling eyes}. Visiting sucks the life out of me and I mentioned I feel like I might be getting a cold, priming her not to expect me for a while, and I'll drop her stuff at the office for her ... always has to have more and more "stuff".

Her dementia is pretty much full blown, she can no longer sit up or stand, is incontinent and has no friends. Though she had all she ever wanted (it was never enough),,having spent her life fantasizing and desperately reaching for more, more, more she will continue in that mindset until the end which, frankly, is not far away. All I can do is ensure she has all she needs and distance myself for the sake of my own health and sanity. I've done my duty.

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The sad thing is that there in logic in what she says. We work hard over a lifetime, but healthcare costs are so high that they are taking a large percentage of the money made by people and paid in taxes. I would love to see the country effectively lower, or at least control, the cost of healthcare so that people could live out their lives without worrying.

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What my mother told me: "I put my money in." (referring to social security and Medicare taxes).....to which I had to reply: "Mom, the money you put in over a lifetime maybe paid for one week at the hospital."

They really don't get it!

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Many of our parents were working when social security and Medicare taxes started being taken from their incomes. At the time I'm sure these taxes were sold to the public as "future benefits/investments". This no doubt is where the "entitlement" mindset comes from. I'm sure president Roosevelt had no idea what a twisted mess this program would become.
This once noble program has been bastardized into a monster which supports a multitude of industries and money mongers of all kinds. So called "medical advancements" and Hippocratic Oaths have us living well past any semblance of quality, merely milking the Medicare cows for all they and we are worth as individuals and taxpayers.
A DNR order can be signed but means very little unless Hospice is involved. Hospice also makes a hefty income from Medicare so a vicious circle is achieved. In any case, we are no longer allowed to die with dignity and our parents have had this sense of entitlement engrained into them from the onset of the program. If a parent happens to be a narcissist it serves to fuel their overinflated opinions of themselves.
In short, the monster started back in the 1940s as part of a noble reform effort.

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The whole time I was growing up, my mom had to take care of my grandmother who lived next door. My mom was one of 10 but the burden all fell on her. She always said she would never do that to us (I am one of 7 children.) However, when it became apparent she could no longer take care of herself, I stepped in. We were fortunate she was able to hire help and then, later, an assisted living facility. I think how much involvement you (the child) has is up to YOU. You don't have to be their doormat. Obtain as much help as you need without sacrificing your life. When you think about it, aren't a lot of you acting like martyrs? Grow a backbone and set some limits! We are fortunate we live in a society that will take care of our elders when we can't.

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I feel for you freqflyer, and admire your devotion to your parents. The ironic thing is that they would probably be very happy in the 5-star retirement village if they'd give it a chance. Do they ever express concern over your health? Could they try a couple weeks of 'respite care' just to try it out? After all, what would happen if you weren't there for them? Sounds like you should be caring for you right now, but you can't. That's tough. And, wow, sherry1anne, 103yo mom--that's amazing. I like your mom's 'every pot' expression. Never heard that one. She sounds like a wise woman. You, too. I think you're right that the expectation to be cared for is a mindset. And in many ways there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. In an ideal world, families should be tight-knit and take care of all their members. And most seem to do that, and that's a beautiful thing to see. From reading this forum, however, it strikes me that narcissistic parents (subject of this thread) and dementia are issues that push caregivers over the edge and take the biggest toll. I don't know what to do about the former other than to walk away if it becomes unbearable and health-threatening. As for dementia, when it strikes, worlds come crashing down. I hope and pray that science finds a cure soon so that minds start catching up with bodies in terms of longevity, a situation that would bring relief to so many and give hope and more peace to those approaching their senior years.

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My mother, 103yo worked until she was 99 and had a vegetable garden from which she fed all of us until a stupid doctor didn't diagnose hyperthyroid condition. She had to come live with me after a stroke, but she doesn't have that sense of entitlement. Sometimes she gets pushy about something that is out of the question and I'm firm about my boundaries. I tell her that I'm doing all I can do and I can't do any more than that and she steps back. When I was a kid she looked after both my grandmothers in our little 3 bedroom house and I slept on the couch when my father came home on weekends. Both those grandmothers expected to be cared for. I think it's a mind set. My mother told me all of my life that "every pot must sit on its own bottom." meaning that everybody had to take care of themselves. She now pays a caregiver to help us out.

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My father would say that he didn't need us, but in his deep dementia he did not realize all we were doing for him. He insisted on living at home, alone, after my mother died, and would not remember to eat, drink, take his meds, or even that she had died. So my brother and I HAD to be there for him three times a day. He INSISTED that he would know when he should stop driving (and he was mean and angry about that and other things), but I was frantic that he would not give up his keys and might hurt someone. When his car battery died, that was a great gift to me! I guess what I am trying to say is that even when your 91-year-old parent says he will be fine all alone, and says he does not need help, and needs to go live in assisted living, we really needed to be there for him, day in and day out. He would not have accepted any strangers in the house, and we had to trick him to get him into memory care. After years of dealing with him and his needs, and worrying 24 hours a day, we finally got to heave a sigh of relief and start to live our own lives again. He died in November, after only 3 months in memory- and long-term care, and there is nothing but relief in my mind, and that of my co-caretaker brother. His dementia was not his fault, but that didn't make our lives any easier to take.

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Any thoughts on why so many of our parents have the 'sense of entitlement' when it comes to us doing the caregiving?

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