Any thoughts on why so many of our parents have the 'sense of entitlement' when it comes to us doing the caregiving?

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Any thoughts on why so many of our parents have the 'sense of entitlement' when it comes to us doing the caregiving?

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Just for the record, my mom has no sense of entitlement and is grateful for everything that we do.

I agree with Jeanne, lots of folks on this board have extremely narcissistic parents, which is why they need to come here to vent. The folks who have more functional families ( siblings all help out, no one trying to grab money, mom is ccooperative when her loving children tell her it's time to moveto AL) don't need to vent except during emergencies.

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I thought about what Jeanne wrote and she is right. I know a lot of older people and most of them live independently or in assisted living. Many still drive, even though some of them maybe shouldn't. I know only a few who are staying home with a caregiver except for spouses, where one is caring for the other. Sometimes I do run into another caregiver at the grocery store. We know each other by the contents of our carts. :)

So much of how we feel depends on our own experiences. Some of us here had the misfortune of being the children of people who feel entitled. It can cause deep resentment, because we are people and not objects to be used.

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I've given a lot of thought to this question, but I can't claim to have any real answer. I think there's a lot of truth in what jeannegibbs said, that we've never had a generation that lived so long in such a state of frailty and impairment. Most of them never expected to be dependent or infirm, so never planned for that eventuality. When it happens, they look to the only people left around who are younger and more capable and from whom they can claim assistance based on past sacrifices or whatever. Grown children have trouble refusing their parents, especially knowing the parent has nowhere else to turn. Unfortunately, the more it happens, the more it becomes the new normal, and something everyone begins to expect. The cultural assumption now is that grown children will be called upon to care for their parents and will do it, regardless of the personal cost. The gives the parents' claims extra validity and makes it even harder to resist the pressure. I think our society also supports seniors in feeling entitled to keep every aspect of their lifestyle intact - look at social security, medicare, senior discounts, mandatory disability accommodations. The idea that you should have to give something up because you're not capable of providing it for yourself has become culturally unacceptable, at least if you're over 65.

My mother always said she didn't want to be a burden on her children. However, it turned out to be more acceptable than the alternative, which would be giving up her expectations about the amenities of her lifestyle. She absolutely must have at least two shopping trips per week, at least one trip to the library, miscellaneous other errands such as meals brought in, her house decorated for holidays, her flag put up and taken down, the bird feeders in her yard filled regularly, etc. As well as the doctors' visits, physical care when sick, help paying bills and organizing paperwork, the genuine caregiving "needs." My mother has forgotten all about not wanting to be a burden. Her comfort and convenience are way more important than that. And she has actually fallen back on the old rationalization "I did it for you when you were little" which of course she did not. As kids, we took what we were given - we did not have this set of fixed expectations about how everything should be.

I hope our generation does better in not expecting the next generation to satisfy our every wish and whim for as long as we may live. I myself will have to accept changes and losses, since I don't have children to be a burden to.

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I am so glad you put boundaries on the transportation situation. I am currently getting over a cold I caught from a person in the waiting room of the eye MD my mother wanted to go to. Because I didn't say no to taking her to an appt. that was going to have me driving home in the dark (my night vision is shot) in holiday traffic I just about had a nervous breakdown.40 mile at night on a very crowded interstate in Christmas traffic,she couldn't understand what my problem was,grief! So now,even though she thinks I am a b*tch ,I have made it very clear to her no more MD appts. after 12 noon(she was about to sh*t in her pants to go to this exam,hollering about her macular degeneration as if the MD was going to cure it which he can't)I knew it wasn't an emergency,he even told her nothing had progressed and come back in a year.Also, if anyone so much as clears their throat in a waiting room we are LEAVING.This particular appt. at the eye MD there was a woman that I swear was trying to cough her lung out.I didn't let my mother touch anything, not even the magazines. I opened all the doors while we were there and less than 48 hrs. later I woke up with a horrible sore throat and congestion. I should be happy my mom didn't come down with this.I try to be proactive and prevent things and she just sees me as being controlling.Yes, I am trying to control whether or not we have a car wreck or come down with pneumonia,I am so evil.I am just dealing with a person that was always a bully to me and had to have control or else and now the tables have turned.I have to accept she is never going to have insight about her behavior and just deal with how she is at present in as healthy a way for both of us as I can.It continues to be a work in progress.

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I can't answer your question of "why" but I can definitely concur with the perception that children are "supposed" to care for their parents. I'm reminded of a conversation I had years ago while getting a haircut. I distinctly remember getting the proverbial look of disdain when I announced, in my mid 20's that I did NOT want children. The reaction: "Who's going to take care of you when you get old?" I was flabbergasted! Maybe it was my years of already having to care for a narcissistic legally blind father since the age of six that infuriated me, but I remember finding it odd that it was the ASSUMPTION that that's what children were for.

I remember responding "Whomever I decide to pay..."

Maybe it's a cultural thing. I do know that some cultures would find it utterly repulsive to place an aging parent in a facility, but I don't think children should be charged with the responsibility of caring for an aging parent or made to feel guilty if they struggle with WANTING to if the situation arises.

I feel a soapbox coming, but it's not fair to assume that the kids SHOULD or WILL care for aging parents. It should be a choice rather than a demand.

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I wonder if it is a 'sense of entitlement' or is it fear of the unknown with our parent(s). When one loses their independence, such as when they no longer can drive, they start to feel trapped, and will start to impose on the child who is closest to them.

Neither of my parents were Caregivers to their own parents, both sets of my grandparents lived out-of-state. How I wished my parents had hands-on care of their own parents so they can understand the frustrations and stress I am going through. Then and only then maybe they would have planned better for the *what ifs* in their life. Like what if Dad could no longer drive, who would drive them? For 6 years I was their wheels... I had to put those wheels to a screeching halt couple months ago because of my own health issues.... my Dad can't understand why I can't drive them.... [sigh]

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I know there must be some elders that aren't narcissistic *sses like my mother. I had very limited contact with my mom from 1978(left for college) until 2012 when she called me screaming in pain from osteoarthritis.I am an only child and she just seems to think I should do it all. She never had to care for her parents,and I know she would have never moved her mom in with her, they barely spoke and I never saw them as much as shake hands,a couple of b*tches.I guess it was the morphine but my mother actually admitted to me that when she had spare time she would work overtime to make money to get jewelry rather than spend time with me, her only child.That really made me feel special.She was also a bully and emotionally abusive.I am all that stands between her and a NH.She has no idea how her life would change if it weren't for me.Right now she lives like Lady Astor, I even clean up after her 2 dogs(I like them) take them to the groomer.But it just floors me that she thinks that this is my "duty". I do things for her she would never have done for her mother or father.She really is a snob and a hypochondriac.I have really had to set limits with her behavior or I would have gone nuts.I read so many times on this forum this same behavior, and it's from people that don't have dementia as an excuse, this is just their personality.I don't have an answer.And as mentioned above we really don't have anything to compare this current social situation with.People living longer with chronic illnesses,no quality of life.I have poa,dpoa, and medical poa but I am going to bring up the subject of including a living will with my mom.Make it really specific.I know her, she would freak out if she woke up on a ventilator and I can't see the point of extending misery by having a feeding tube placed.Right now she goes to church every week, PT twice a week , has art lessons coming up in Jan. To me she has quality of life at this point, eats anything she wants.I just really appreciate this forum because it helps me ventilate things I wouldn't dare say out loud but it is nice to know that I am not the only one that has feelings of "I can't take it anymore".

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Some have a sense of entitlement, and some don't.

I recall overhearing my mom and her sister (5 years apart in age) when they were in their late 30s/early 40s discussing their old age. My Aunt said, "after all I've done, my girls darn well better take care of me when I'm old!" and my mother said, "Oh, I wouldn't want my kids to be taking me to the toilet and stuff. I'd want someone paid to do that." These women are now in their 90s and they still seem to have these attitudes.

Yes, there are WAY more seniors who live with chronic conditions earlier generations would have died from, and therefore who need care, than there ever have been in our history. We don't really know if this older generation is different from previous ones -- we've never had a population like this.

I think this particular website has attracted a large number of people caring for narcissistic parents. It is a place for speaking frankly and once the subject came up word has gotten out. Also web searches bring people here. So I don't think what we see here is necessarily an accurate reflection of the proportion of folks with narcissism. Caregivers of pleasant, easy-going, undemanding parents are just less likely to seek a forum.

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Any thoughts on why so many of our parents have the 'sense of entitlement' when it comes to us doing the caregiving?

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