Why should I be responsible for my mother’s care while my sister goes on long vacations?

Annie: Oh, what horrible language from your own brother! I am so sorry that he said that to you. He must not know God.

Hi Marina-
Believe me, you are not alone.  I could have written your post.  I have a sister like yours.  She doesn't work but will not lift a finger to help me with my mom.  I've been my mom's caregiver and POA since 2012.  I was also my husband's caregiver during this time.  He passed from cancer last year.  I am nearly burned out.  Try to make time for yourself.  I keep telling myself I'm doing the best I can. 
Jean

Yes, one becomes resentful and the best thing you can do is realize this is how it is, you cannot change it and let it go (yes, it flares up now and then, but mostly I have had to let it go because it does not help!) You did say your sister still comes for a little while now and then, so it is something, but it is clearly not enough.  She won't get it, so probably not much point in pushing for more. You can try, but don't hold your breath!

So, yes, you need to explore all the options available for mom. Medicare help for home aides, Medicaid for home help or facility, AL, getting DPOA, etc. Although the choices may be limited, some AL facilities (not nursing homes as she likely does not need that yet, but AL) are Medicaid approved. Set boundaries as to when and how much help you provide. You can probably hire (she should pay from her own assets if possible and Medicare/Medicaid/VA won't) people to clean, cook, provide some personal care, etc, which will take a load off of you. Initially you could arrange to be there when these aides come in, and introduce them as "friends" who are helping YOU. Each time exit the situation earlier and earlier, hoping that she will get used to/build a relationship with whoever is coming in (hopefully it will be the same people each time.) Check out meals on wheels (mom's was to be arranged through the Senior Center, but she refused that because she considered the meals crap, probably based on a SIL who lived elsewhere and perhaps got not so nice meals?) As others suggested, make a list of her needs that you currently provide and figure out which of those can be offloaded to someone/something else. Restrict visits and assistance whenever possible (boundaries!) Find outlets for yourself to help you unwind/unstress.

...
Some mentioned meals on wheels and I believe it was you who quoted your mother as saying this was too expensive. I had inquired into this program and was told it would be $2 for one meal/day, at noontime. You should look into it to be sure, but the whole point of this program is to ensure people who need it get at least one good meal a day at a very reasonable cost!

We had hoped to keep mom in her condo (I'm independent, I can cook, I can clean was her mantra, none of which was true!) We were able to hire aides for 1 hour/day 3 times a week, and then upped it to 5 days, but she finally refused to let them in after a few months. THAT refusal of outside assistance is a gate to getting outside help. If we had lived closer, I would have made an effort to be there and try to ensure she got used to having someone around, and back off over time, but that was not possible (1.5 hour drive each way for me!) Regardless of how mom feels about it, stand your ground, tell her you cannot keep doing these tasks as it is impacting your health, and she NEEDS the help!

As for siblings, as noted already above and by others, you cannot always count on them (until the inheritance becomes available!!) In your case and many others there won't be any inheritance, so that won't be an issue. As noted by some others, there will be money/property left and those siblings will be there with bells on at that time, and in the meantime will stonewall you and bitch about what is being spent! Well, either put up or shut up. Anything that is available is THAT person's money/property and should be used for THEIR benefit while they are still alive. Hopefully the person providing the actual care has DPOA and control over all the finances. If not, make it happen!!! An Elder Care attorney can set everything up and can even assist in navigating Medicaid - HER assets should pay for this, but if they are very limited, you and your sister may have to contribute (unless there are EC attorneys out there who can provide services at reduced cost.)

I have two brothers, one a year older, the other 10 years younger. The older one is not local, but is/was the "golden" child. Yes, he visited once in a while, called most every Sunday, but otherwise was not around to help with anything. The younger one is still working, was the one who lived closer and was called upon over the years to fix stuff or pick her up if she went to ER via ambulance for UTIs (yes, she did this, generally at night when she would not drive and after we took the car away, and when chastised for it, as she is taking service away from someone who might really need it, she would just say her insurance pays for it.) When the time came to find a place for her as she would not allow anyone in, refused to move in with any of us and still maintained that ridiculous mantra, we explored places (thankfully we had already set up the DPOA, trust, etc before she was too far down the yellow brick road!) The younger was adamant that MC was not for her, she would prefer just AL - no, she can just walk out anytime, she's not being monitored!! He did not understand dementia or where she was at. The other was just agreeing with whatever. Both were astounded at the cost and both said 'Gee, for that amount I'LL take her in!'  Sure, no clue what that would entail!!! The last time older brother was up, we went to visit when he arrived and once in the morning before we headed to work on the condo. After that, anytime I suggested he visit when we had some free time, he refused, saying he did not know how to relate to her or what to do while there - and YOU wanted to take her in???? I ended up with everything else to handle after we moved her - finances, managing the trust and condo, organizing clean up and repairs, running to appointments, most of the visiting, etc.

Again, running the mouth (typing) has hit the limit, so TO BE CONTINUED!

Marina615;

I'm sure by now you know that you are not alone. The scenarios vary as much as the number of people who are in the same boat - absent siblings, critical abusive parents, only children, not enough funds, wanting to live independently! Most of us have been in one or more of these situations. Even worse are those of us who are already into retirement, so we're not exactly spry young or middle-aged able people, and quite possibly have medical issues of our own.

Our grandmother was taken care of by several of her daughters, living with each for a given amount of time, with them sharing the "burden". In her case, this was not difficult as she was mobile and did not have dementia. In addition, none of the sisters were retired at that point and many did not work outside the home, so it was even easier. By the time THEY all retired, grandmother was gone, so they all ENJOYED their retirements BIG TIME - travel hither and yon, condos in FL for the snow geese, etc!!! At least one poster here mentioned retiring early, thus shorting herself not only income, but probably increasing insurance costs and reducing what she will get later from SS. THIS is unacceptable, but too often there is not much to be done about it. You are still working, and should continue (although you mention long hours and stress - perhaps you could find another position that could reduce the hours/stress? I do understand that at some point age is a factor and it becomes hard to find other work, so one must hang on to what one has - been there, done that. I was lucky enough that when I was laid off, my severance covered me up to that early SS age, so I said no way to finding another job - who would hire this old person who walks with a cane and has a very bad back???)

The best advice given so far is to not let that resentment feed itself. It won't change the situation and only eats away at you. It took me some time to finally realize that. It still irks me, but other than some random venting now and then, I let it go - I realize it won't change anything and it was not doing ME any good! Although non-local older brother came up a few times to assist in clearing out the condo and the other helped a few times, most of this (especially the cleaning and organizing all the work to be done) fell on my lap. It still took OVER a year and a half now to get it ready for market!!!

One suggestion is to get an evaluation - we contacted a home aide service and the first visit was a nurse who assessed mom (two of us were there for this assessment.) Given her condition (early dementia, very hard of hearing, Macular degeneration, and becoming very forgetful), we were told Medicare (NOT medicaid, Medicare) WOULD provide some services (it is limited) BUT mom would have to agree to personal help, like bathing. Just having someone clean, make food, oversee medication, etc is not enough. Our mom refused this help, so the services had to be paid for (we told her Medicare was paying for it - by that time I had taken over her finances, so we were "self-paying".) Medicaid is also income based, but sometimes in-home help can be paid for by it. We were lucky in that dad had a very good job and they were very "frugal" (except for mom supporting Marshalls and TJMaxx!!), so there are currently funds available in a trust we set up to protect those assets paying for her MC unit (not cheap!) Others have suggested VA assistance, which can also provide some in-home help and/or income. This is only available if one or both were in the service for a specific amount of time, had honorable discharge and participated in a war. If either was in the service, check it out. A local VA place can provide some assistance with this program. Although there are guidelines they use for income, there are deductions for many things, so it can bring the total income under the limit.

Apparently there is now a limit, so TO BE CONTINUED...

You are not alone! Hi Marina, I am going through almost the exactly same thing with my father. I have two sisters. One lives a few minutes from my father (she does work) but she rarely visits. The other sister is an empty nester, she lives a few miles further away, but she does not work and is home everyday. Neither sister helps with my father's care. If they do, its a few times a year. Like you, I work full time, and spentd a large portion of my free time taking care of my father. There have been many times when I have been completely exhausted but still have driven over to my father's place to take care of him, go shopping, prepare meals, do laundry and even clean up feces when he's had an accident. He does have aides that come during the day, but I have found that even with having aides, they have to be constantly monitored and if they call out, go on vacation, etc., I have to cover. I have built up a lot of anger and resentment towards both of my sisters because of this. I do know that my father is grateful that I take care of him. I don't have a solution for you, but I do hope that one day "what goes around comes around" and that karma will take care of this. Try to take care of yourself and make time for yourself. You are a good person and people that expect one sibling to do everything are very selfish indeed. Know that you are not alone!

How well do you get on with your sister?  Can you two have a reasonable discussion about your common problem? Namely, your mother? Stand united with her if you can, don't advocate for your mom's point of view.

Marina I understand exactly what you are going through. I take care of my mother who is blind and disabled. I am retired and have one child I adopted. I have helped my mom all of my life and even helped with my siblings growing up in a single family house hold. My sister’s do not help with my mother. They are both nurses..one up and moved out of the state after I retired so she would not get stuck taking care of my mother after everything my mother has done for her. My other sister lives 20 minutes away and do nothing for my mother and my mother have done a lot for her and her children, and her first husband. She remarried. My sister’s enjoy their lives travels and do whatever they want when they want, while I am stuck taking care of my mother, cleaning, taking her to all her appointments, helping her get her baths, giving her her meds,getting her dressed, cooking , listening to her complain everyday, etc. All of this while taking care of my daughter and trying to get my daughter’s weight together because she is overweight. Trying to deal with my medical issues cancer etc. It’s a lot. It would be nice to get a break every now and then but I know it is not going to happen because I have siblings who only think of themselves and I resent them and I am tired and burned out. All my mom care about is them and their kids. I would like to travel more and get my daughter more active so that she gets healthy but at the end of the day I am exhausted. I have been retired for almost 3 yrs and have not been able to enjoy it at all. I know what you are going through and I wish I had a resolution to your problems and mines.

This is typical in caregiving. One adult kid does 100% of the work. Tell your sibling it's their turn. Period.

Ask your sister to pay you

When a family member has control the f a parent bank card you need to contact the stare
My daughter works in our state and investigates situations where a family member has taken over an elderly parents financials
Do not let your sister spend your mother’s money make her accountable
Contact an attorney experienced in ELDER law not all attorneys know elder law
Don’t be a door mat for your sister to walk over

You are not alone. I was closest to my mother, so I took all of the physical and emotional responsibility for her care for awhile. Until I looked at what it had already cost me in many ways. I had to step back and really decide if I was going to let this be my life (not much of one). I had to go with the next best thing for my mom and trust one of my siblings would pick up where they needed to - I was very lucky I had that option though. If I hadn't, I would have had to make probably a more difficult decision (mom on medicaid in nursing). It takes very tough decisions and making boundaries you may never have made (I hadn't). That said, my sister was exactly the same selfish way. She flat out wanted someone else to deal with my mom so she could enjoy her homes and travel. She is basically a very selfish person who has a borderline personality disorder, and thankfully for her sake, plenty of money. If you read these comments the pattern is that the person with empathy and a good heart gets dumped with the responsibility. Clearly oftentimes this was a pattern in the family. It was in mine. I was the oldest daughter. My suggestion is to get some support and therapy so that you do not end up angry, sick yourself, and completely burned out by feeling like you have given up your life to care for your mom while your sister does very little. You are going to have to make the next best decision for yourself and mom - it will not be perfect for any of you - and your sister will either be forced to step up or not. Your sister leaving on an extended vacation should be the catalyst for the changes that need to be made. And be prepared for a guilt trip by your sister and maybe even mom. That's why you need support. That's their issues, not yours. And your life does matter so do something today.

Have you tried to visit a nursing home and speak to social worker there about Medicaid? Your mom will need to spend down, though it sounds like she has little in her account as is. There are rules what MCaid can count or not count. You need to discuss with them about how to get a POA, especially if your mother refuses to appoint you. There are court appointed people who can manage her income (which may have to be assigned to the nursing home, as well as social security benefits). Obviously, your father was not in the military retirement system, and part of the VA healthcare system. If he was, your mother could be eligible for aid and attendance which pays a good part of care for her. I would start immediately with the skilled facility social worker. Medicaid, through its state affiliates, is the largest single payer for nursing home care. ... However, should an individual qualify, Medicaid will pay for 100% of their nursing home costs at a Medicaid approved skilled nursing facility. If she Medicare B, she may also be eligible for an aide to help with bathing etc-though she would likely be responsible for the 20% MCR does not pay; so again, MCaid sounds like your best option. Good luck

I am sorry that I will offer advice when I haven't taken the time to read the 50 answers already posted. I think what I say may be unique, so I will offer the thought that the reason why your sister may not want to be caregiver even though she doesn't work is BECAUSE she travels so much. I feel badly that Mom has already moved once and moving is stressful for her. I can't tell what your responsibilities are towards your mother, does she not like being alone, is that it? Can the realities of life be handled and then she's ok, or does she need companionship. Can you hire someone to handle food, or share responsibilities with your sister on a schedule and then hire a student or someone to spend a few hours with her during the day? Best of luck with it, and keep asking those questions. Sometimes we don't realize they are valid questions until the time to ask has passed! That's been my experience :(

Hi Marina,
I share the same frustrations with you, but actually have the opposite problem. I live 900 miles away from my mother who lives in Kentucky. She is currently at home and needs almost-24/7 care. She is bed-bound and only gets up with the help of a physical therapist. My mom and I pay for 2 caregivers, and she also has a home health aide a couple of times a week (paid through her Medicare). The sad and frustrating problem is that my sister and her 21 year-old daughter live in the SAME TOWN as my mother and they NEVER call her, NEVER visit; they have said they "Do not have time." They offer NO HELP whatsoever. My mother has begged them for help, or even just a phone call every now and then. They have had a contentious relationship with Mom over the years and they both got mad when Mom chose to go home rather than back to a rehab facility after a hospitalization last December. They both expected her to apply for Medicaid and go back to the rehab/nursing home. (Which would have been the best solution but...) They are using the excuse that they are "mad at her" and that's why they are not helping her and not staying in contact with her at all.
For a daughter and granddaughter to totally abandon their mother/grandmother is appalling.

It is extremely frustrating, and the burden falls solely to me. All I have to say is that I have to let God be their judge. And I'm guessing it is going to VERY hot where they are going when they die!

I also feel like you do. I have a brother, same thing.
Since your sister has money, I would ask her to hire a sitter those three months for a few days a week. Hopefully she will do this.
Remind her that your mother raised her also, it is our time to give back. According to Gods word. Which believe me I have to read this everyday. It has helped with my resentment and anger.
My prayers are with you!

Dear Marina615, I totally feel for u. Its like I read my own story. I dont talk, neither have any relation with my so called sister, anymore. She always thought our parents, and now my mother, is only my obligation. She goes on vacation every year for around 2 months and she lives an exciting life. Me, no vacation, only obligations, doctors, hospitals etc. My mother is like yours, plus she has said bad things about me all over and gave her more property, even though I needed it, because I dont have children while she has. Your name is greek. Do u come from Greece, originally?

Hi Marina615,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this without the support of your sister and her husband. It is certainly something that a lot of us have dealt with. Venting is good, but I wonder if you have reached out to a support group. I have attended a couple of support groups that have been life savers for me. I have also learned a lot from them. I contacted my dad's health plan (Kaiser) and also IHSS (In Home Support Services). My dad makes too much for Medi-cal but he did qualify for respite care. So I am able to get someone to come in, or in my case, take my dad to adult day care (called day break) and am reimbursed by the county. Perhaps your sister and her husband can front the payment and get reimbursed. There are a lot of programs out there to help, but we just have to find them (and who has time for that). Reach out to Social Services in your area and inquire about resources for the elderly. I hope that this helps.

I am going to say this. How we are chosen to be the caregiver isn't known to us, but I think that it's because we have a special something that we just don't know about. God bless all of us that care for our parents (at home or while they are in a nursing home).

I moved in with my father with Alzheimer's in May 2017, and my father gave me his blessing. We thought that my siblings (there are five of us) would help and I would go home on weekends. In October 2017, my sister said something like "we need to start cleaning out the house so that when he dies, we aren't under a great deal of pressure to get rid of things." I replied (grrrr....), "Dad isn't dying, he has Alzheimer's. He can live to be 100! (he is currently 87) I have not heard from my sister or her adult children since that day. Sooo...I read something about as a caregiver you have to decide if you are in it for the long haul. I miss my husband dearly. I get to go home 2 nights a week because my son comes to stay with my dad. My other son comes to stay with him so that I can have a girls night out. They both have young families so I try hard not to ask too much of them. I'm 54 and my husband and I have only been married for 4 years. So because I need to spend time with him, we are going on a 10 day vacation. My sister is charging $200 a day to come from AZ to stay with my dad. Well...I'm going to pay it because I need the break. If I had a caregiver come from the company we use for the caregivers while I am at work, it's much more expensive . I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Funny...my brother is complaining that I am paying my sister but he is taking his wife on a cruise so he can't do it. Ha ha ha...he hasn't been here since December. Sibling stories are just crazy.

I wish you the best, my friend. Take care and be sure to take care of you!!! Don't forget to breathe!

Oh...one more thing. Find a fun hobby you might like. I keep buying old furniture and refinishing it. I love it. My dad complains that I am taking over his garage, but he doesn't remember the next day so all is good. :)

I am my mothers Caregiver, and Financial Feduciary. I am also my husbands caregiver and Feduciary. These 2 live 10 miles apart.
I am expected to take both of them to their Dr appts and any other appts. I do their laundry, clean their house, do their yard work., shower & shampoo my mother 3X a week, fix her meals.. except dinner. I'm at moms 9-4 Mon-Fri. By the way she has Dementia. My hu can prepare his meals and take care of his personal care. Well most of the tire, sometimes he ends up on the bathroom floor or shower. He uses a walker, all of the time and has fallen down the front stairs of our home many times because sometimes he doesn't use the handicap ramp.
Both are stubborn 85 & 78 yr old. doesn't matter how much they wear me out. My sister lives in my mothers home, she goes to work whatever time she wants and returns when she wants. She has position of my moms bankcard which she won't return. She buys grocery 2X month. Can't see how she spends so much. She takes vacation 3-4 weeks at a time. Can you see where this puts me? I'm on SS so I don't have much either, but I put out $150 on gas in June to run back and forth 2-3X a day. My budget is $50 month
If you don't take care of your Mother who will? Have you tried getting assistance from a Home Health Agency? My sister blackballed us because she fought with CNA. It's hard. yes. Sometimes we don't have a choice when the other siblings are
self centered and selfish. Go to your local Aging Center, a Senior Center, see if they can help. If your sister doesn't interfear at your every move, go for it. Mine does interfear with everything but wants nothing to do with my mom except live there, hand her her night pills (doesn't matter if she takes them) and see to her own comforts.
I wish you better luck than I. I am sooo worn out.

Marina, I feel your pain. I am the same age and have a brother and sister who don't want to do their share taking care of our mother. She lived with me and my kids for 5 years immediately following my divorce. Luckily mom had been convinced to purchase long term care insurance so when it became necessary for her to go to an assisted living facility, it was covered. I visit her every Sunday, which means I never get a weekend away or even just to myself. My siblings don't see mom for months at a time. Whenever she's sick or falls, it's always me who has to run to the hospital. And I'm the only one who works full time and still has kids at home. I wish I could tell you how to get family members to pull their weight and stop dumping on you, but I've tried just about everything. These people are just too selfish and dense to be concerned with anyone else. So though I can't offer any solutions, I hope it helps to know someone else understands your situation and is saying a prayer for you.

SusanNeedsHelp in our area the agencies require a minimum of 4 hours per day, so that would increase the equation. Yes, it is a lot of money, but still less than full time personal care ($4,000 or $5,000 a month?). If income is an issue: after you get an in home assessment of needs, get assigned a case# and fill out the lengthy Medicaid application, and the person's income is determined to be within the income guidelines, they may be eligible for some benefits. If they are eligible for Medicaid, there are services (here in Pennsylvania it is called SeniorLife) that will assign a case manager, provide adult daycare, transportation, etc. After all that, if the income is above the guidelines they will provide a portion towards payment for in home aides. We got as far as the home visit, case# and printing the MULTI page application. Got all the supporting documents together. Determined that income exceeded the guidelines for Medicaid. Thought: do we really want to get into this whole thing for a small portion towards home health care? But, when there are concerns about being able to afford help, talk to your local agency to get you started in the application process.

That is so terrible what you are facing. I am so sorry that you are having to
be in this position. A couple things come to my mind and that is we only have control over our decisions and actions and cannot control someone else's. You can walk in forgiveness of sister because she does not know what she is doing- if she did she would not do it. Once you can forgive, you will be free. That will not fix her but it won't be destroying you. I do not know her situation but there could be things involved we do not know. Some husbands are very unwilling to share. I just got told off by my sister's husband because he was upset that she was caring for our mother while I was on respite. Your sister may have health conditions, or who knows what other factors could be in the mix.
You get to choose what you can do. That is just being honest. Your sister
can choose what she can do. Then it is Mom's turn to make some decisions
based on her options. There have been some very good suggestions of how to walk through the boundaries. There are other options available for her which have been shared. You are not responsible for her condition, nor are
you the only person who can help her. Your mother needs to accept the
fact that there are others who can help her. Some states will pay you for caregiving.
It is my prayer that you find relief from this heavy burden- and soon.

I’m so sorry to hear of your dilemma sweet caregiving sister. My mom is 90 and my aunt is 103. I had to retire at age 53 (60 now) and basically forfeit almost $300,000 in salary over the last 7 years. My brother has basically always been missing in action, so I have done EVERYTHING for them for years. My dad died 27 years ago and my uncle 13. The last year I moved them in together at my moms. My aunt has fallen a couple of times and now requires 24/7 care. Because she has been very prudent with her finances, I’ve been able to hire caregivers that my mom has also gotten the benefit of. My mom is more like 70 than 90, but has become so dependent on the caregivers, she will do NOTHING for herself anymore. Over the years she has given all her money to my brother who has nothing to show for it. He is desperate for money once again and has recently shown up threatening to let the caregivers go because they are costing him what he perceived as his inheritance I guess. I had installed a security system at my moms so I could keep an eye on them and the caregivers, so I had the priviledge to hear an hour long conversation between my mom and brother about what a bossy, controlling, horrible person I am and how things r going to change. My heart was broken, but I gathered my thoughts and moved my aunt with me so she will be safe. She is doing great and could live several years more. Prob going to build a caregivers apt on to my house. Still doing for my mom, but forcing my brother to step up. Please take care of yourself! The last 6 months has taken a toll on my husband and I. I’ve lost 30 pounds...we don’t sleep...our poor dog 🐕 s neglected. We r taking steps to take our lives back. I hope u will too. Maybe u should drop her and her clothes on ur sisters doorstep. Or move out of the building she lives in. I’m not saying to neglect her...but force others to help. I pray phillipians 4:7 for you that you have the peace that surpasses understanding thru faith in God!!

Im angry and resentful some days too. I am trying to let that go as it does nothing but make my own matters worse. Also in my early 50's. Have given up the last 8 years of my life because a sibling decided to be of no help at all. In a sense, sort of like your sister who thinks just because you are single that you have all of the time in the world, my sibling thinks because I am working from my home and settled down, married that I should be the one responsible for everything. Probably boils down to which sibling IS actually a responsible and caring person = It is way too much for one person no matter what their situation is. single, married working etc. . Atleast your sister shows up. I'm not single, but I feel like it a lot as my mother demands so much attention and time and care that I really don't get much time with my husband in my own house. My parents also didn't care for their parents. But I am sure expected to be the full time attendant! So., even though some of the details are different, we are facing the same issues my friend. It is very hard and only getting harder. Sounds like your sister does not want to do this. Im sure you will get lots of answers about this common problem

Loving! your answer about mom not liking cats so doesn’t come to your place! When I fostered 3 kittens years ago my daughters no longer ‘asked’ us to keep their
pups when they vacationed... although dog sitting for family never crossed my mind when we took home 3 bitty kitties being fed dog food( damages their eyes) we decided to keep 2. I was sooo surprised and gratful that my husband told the kids no more dog sitting. Hang in there M and know that here is
where you will get great/ hard truth/ support for your sanity. The past experiences and advice of most posters
are the real deal. My mom is in her 90’s and drove until 88.
Reading info and advice here for 4 years without posting until your cat post today has kept me sane ( I think). Looking forward to hearing of
steps and changes you will try as your post has motivated me to ‘get the ball rolling’ on changes to my and Mother’s lives.

Good advice in most of these answers.

I had a thought - My Mother and Brothers put me through a LOT of stress for 15 years. I was the ONLY one caring for my Mom and her house. I had to do everything. Housework, yard work, cleaning windows, shopping, her hair - the list is endless. She owned her home which she didn't want to move out of and my two idiot useless brothers kept telling her that she was fine where she was. Brothers lived in different province.

At nearly 90 years, she finally fell seriously enough that the neighbour got to her faster than I, and called 911. From that day on, my life got better. She first went into a Hospital, then Nursing car home. My Brothers FINALLY saw that she couldn't live alone and Finally backed me up on getting her into a permanent seniors independent living home.

What I'm getting at is the fact that my Dad was a veteran and when he passed over, Mom received his veteran's pension as well as her regular pensions. This money could now be used to pay for her living in a seniors home. (It always could have for over 15 years), but my brothers wouldn't see this or help me convince my stubborn on the narcissist side personality wise Mother, that she needed to move.

Was your Dad a veteran? Were there any pensions from that which your Mom could be receiving. (if she's old enough) perhaps not, but I thought it might give you an idea.

I know that you feel hurt, put upon, and resentful. Why shouldn't you? In fact, many of us can and DO relate! Personally, my husband and I have always taken care of both of my parents. They lived with us until my father's death (he had Alzheimer's) and now we are caring for my mother who has Alzheimer's. All the while, my brother and his wife never did a thing. They used the excuse that they lived out of town, but they never visited, never helped financially, never offered any moral support...nothing. They took vacations, lived a great carefree life and called Mom twice a year to wish her happy birthday and happy Mother's Day. Meanwhile, as their conditions grew worse, my husband and I handled everything for them: doctor's appointments, groceries, bills, etc. Was I resentful of my brother? Sometimes! But I thought about it and decided that it wasn't worth my time or energy. I thought, 'What if I were an only child? I would have to do this regardless.' It helped me realize that it wasn't about my brother. It was only about me and my relationship with my mother. When I gave up and let go of the moments when I became bitter about my brother and how selfish he was, I felt so much better. (By the way, my brother now has Alzheimer's as well so I have not only had to come to grips with his never being present physically, he is no longer present mentally either.) Anyway, that was my epiphany--letting go of the negative feelings and just being and doing what is right for me and for my mother. When we feel like we are being taken advantage of, downtrodden, used and abused, we wallow in that negativity and it becomes even worse and heavier to handle. Free yourself of that and look at the real situation. The only thing that is real and presents itself is that you have a mother to look after and that is enough of an energy-sapping experience without dealing with your feelings about a selfish sibling. Maybe you can send your sister a note explaining that you have felt resentlful and give your reasons. Then tell her that from this point on you will release those resentments and move on. You will handle things on your own since you no longer have any expectations of assistance from her but will also ask for her to respect that fact and not butt in. If she wants to share the burdon of responsibility then that is different but once you release her I doubt that she will interfere at all. Now you are free to make decisions like whether to put her in a nursing home or get social services involved. Your choice and only your choice. I am sorry that you have so much stress over this. However, there are some excellent ways to come to terms with it all. I might suggest that you find my books online starting with I Am Not a Village, then Fine Tuning My Life, There's a Stranger in My Room and finally, my recently released, The Memory Keeper. (look up on amazon.com). They are like a therapy session for the reader as they follow my journey in caregiving my now 99 year old mother who has Alzheimer's. I am very honest about my feelings and how I deal with them to bring a positive outcome. No one who is caring for a parent has it easy. However, we can turn it around and make it better. Find yourself a good support group to attend. Contact social services, senior centers, etc. They will help you with this. For now, good luck, best wishes, and may you find a good solution. Sending you big supportive hugs.

On this long (15 years) caregiving journey (aging ailing parents, Mom with dementia, unmarried brother with cancer, FIL with cancer, and now NPD MIL), the one thing my siblings & I and now my husband & I have learned is boundaries are necessary. Your sister has set her boundaries; you need to set your boundaries. I was falling into the trap of trying to fill in all the caregiving gaps myself. This forum and a local support group helped me see what was happening and gave me the tools to stop.

The latest “tool” is something said here on this thread — “if they can’t manage to show you respect, you can’t manage to help” — as this is what we are experiencing now with my narcissistic MIL & 2 SILs who have always treated my husband poorly.

Hi Marina, sorry to see you are going through such a hard time. Your story reminds me of me and my mom 2 years ago when I also didn't know where or who to turn to. Getting help from professionals is the best way to go. I learned from Agingcare.com and other people's stories on this site how to let go of anger and where to look for help for her. Try to stay focused on her needs and how you can truly help your mom. My mom is also a very critical person and nothing I did was good enough for her. I had to leave work for her dr. appointments and go to store for her after work all the time because she didn't want to be alone and wanted me there with her. I was mentally burned out. Idea of me getting outside help was very scary to her and my sisters. Everybody thought I was abandoning my mom. My mom live in a independent senior living now and she also was approved for home care service for 3 days a week through her medicare services. She didn't like living there first but after a month she got use to it and now she actually find some friends and participate in the social programs as well. Her care giver assist her with her grocery, dr, appointments, cooks for her if needed etc.. she loves her care giver. I noticed that she's less critical of me and we both can actually talk about things without getting mad at each other and I can focused on my life ones again and be there for her with a better positive energy. Remember we are here for you if you need to talk. God bless and good luck.

It’s so frustrating I know. My mom passed away in June but I was her caregiver for 7 years. In that 7 years I had two children, got married, and didn’t get a moment of help from anyone in the family. My sister’s excuse was always “I have two kids I can’t take care of mom!” Well I had two kids too but she seemed to think my little family was less important than hers. In the end though I feel so blessed because my mom got to watch my boys grow and build relationships with them. She didn’t know my sisters children and now that our mom is gone she feels horrible guilt and regret.
You are doing a wonderful thing by taking care of your momma. Try to embrace all the time you have with her. Your sister will have to live with the fact that she didn’t help you. My sister calls me crying and apologizing for not helping all the time. I now live my life knowing I did the best I could do for my mom. And my mom reminded me of this everyday that she was still in this earth.
I hope you find peace in knowing that there are so many people on this forum that are here for you and experiencing the same exact things you’re going through. ♥️♥️🙏🏻