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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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I have a lady come in 2 times per week to give my Mom a shower. She has her own room.... But my wife feels this is a huge intrusion. My mother cannot safely live alone in her Condo.
And what is often overlooked is that if the parent is in the 80's and 90's, the "child" is now in their 50's and 60's. So one is called upon to do increasingly more work and mental strain, with increasingly less "steam" with which to do it.
My husband & I have lived with both his mother and mine at different times. If he had brought his mother into our home without asking me, BOTH OF THEM would be looking for a place to stay.
Where I live, it is not assumed that a marriage between two people includes caring for anyone's parents. If it was not discussed explicitly ahead of time, it is just not done.
Caring for an old, sick, declining person is NOT like caring for a small child. It is a LOT more work and the person doing the caregiving gives up their entire life to do it. Depending on the illness, it could go on for 10-15-20 years.
If you were my husband, I would expect that you are doing 50% of the care work right alongside with me. Changing diapers, feeding her, washing her clothes, her bedding, giving medicine, taking to doctors, all of it.
cmagnum asks some pertinent questions, and answers would help us be more specific in our responses.
I may want to comment again after you supply for information, but here is my initial take:
Bringing another adult into the home IS a huge intrusion. Even if your mother does not require daily help, there is a change in the privacy of the home. What used to be twosomes is now threesomes. What your wife used to do independently now she has an audience or an adviser or a critic for. Surely you do not expect your mother to stay in her room all day?
How about the financial impact? Is Mom contributing to cost of extra utilities and extra food and trips to the doctors, etc.? If not, don't these extra costs impact both you and your wife's retirement funds? Have you discussed this aspect?
Making a decision this important without your wife's agreement and support is, in my world, grounds for divorce. Did she agree and then change her mind once it happened, or did she never agree in the first place? Don't you respect her as an equal partner? Shouldn't she have equal say in who lives in your home?
I am not on principle opposed to parents moving in with their adult children. It can work out well and enrich the lives of all concerned. I am opposed to one spouse forcing life-altering decisions on the other, without careful discussion and mutual agreement.
I think marriage counseling might be a reasonable option at this point. Or simply work together to come up with better arrangements for your mother. Or ... choose your mother over your wife. See a lawyer about dividing up your assets equitably.
Did you and your wife discuss this move before it took place or did it just happen?
Does your wife feeling like this is a huge intrusion mean that you made a unilateral decision own your own? Has has your marriage been doing up to this point? I can see her feeling intruded upon and maybe like you have dumped your mother's care into her hands, but there must be more going on here with her threatening to move out herself? The pressure of caregiving often puts so much pressure on a marriage that where ever it is weak will surface. Unless the issues are dealt with, the marriages are lost or permanently damaged. I would look into the two of you seeing a marriage therapist to give ya'll an objective 3rd person perspective and help you two work through whatever is going on deep down.
Do what you need to do to save your marriage for your primary commitment is to your wife.
Does your mother have the resources for an alternate approach to her care like being able to pay for caregivers at her condo 24/7? My dad has at his home with three people working 8 hour shifts. If she cannot giver herself a shower, it does not sound like she would be a good fit for assisted living. Is her health such that she would need a nursing home? If she does not have much money would she qualify for medicaid to pay for a nursing home?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Where I live, it is not assumed that a marriage between two people includes caring for anyone's parents. If it was not discussed explicitly ahead of time, it is just not done.
Caring for an old, sick, declining person is NOT like caring for a small child. It is a LOT more work and the person doing the caregiving gives up their entire life to do it. Depending on the illness, it could go on for 10-15-20 years.
If you were my husband, I would expect that you are doing 50% of the care work right alongside with me. Changing diapers, feeding her, washing her clothes, her bedding, giving medicine, taking to doctors, all of it.
Think again, fast, about alternative options for your mother's care.
Look at it this way; would you go out and bring home a foster child without consulting your wife?
Is this perhaps a difference in the expectation a of your cultures?
I may want to comment again after you supply for information, but here is my initial take:
Bringing another adult into the home IS a huge intrusion. Even if your mother does not require daily help, there is a change in the privacy of the home. What used to be twosomes is now threesomes. What your wife used to do independently now she has an audience or an adviser or a critic for. Surely you do not expect your mother to stay in her room all day?
How about the financial impact? Is Mom contributing to cost of extra utilities and extra food and trips to the doctors, etc.? If not, don't these extra costs impact both you and your wife's retirement funds? Have you discussed this aspect?
Making a decision this important without your wife's agreement and support is, in my world, grounds for divorce. Did she agree and then change her mind once it happened, or did she never agree in the first place? Don't you respect her as an equal partner? Shouldn't she have equal say in who lives in your home?
I am not on principle opposed to parents moving in with their adult children. It can work out well and enrich the lives of all concerned. I am opposed to one spouse forcing life-altering decisions on the other, without careful discussion and mutual agreement.
I think marriage counseling might be a reasonable option at this point. Or simply work together to come up with better arrangements for your mother. Or ... choose your mother over your wife. See a lawyer about dividing up your assets equitably.
Does your wife feeling like this is a huge intrusion mean that you made a unilateral decision own your own? Has has your marriage been doing up to this point? I can see her feeling intruded upon and maybe like you have dumped your mother's care into her hands, but there must be more going on here with her threatening to move out herself? The pressure of caregiving often puts so much pressure on a marriage that where ever it is weak will surface. Unless the issues are dealt with, the marriages are lost or permanently damaged. I would look into the two of you seeing a marriage therapist to give ya'll an objective 3rd person perspective and help you two work through whatever is going on deep down.
Do what you need to do to save your marriage for your primary commitment is to your wife.
Does your mother have the resources for an alternate approach to her care like being able to pay for caregivers at her condo 24/7? My dad has at his home with three people working 8 hour shifts. If she cannot giver herself a shower, it does not sound like she would be a good fit for assisted living. Is her health such that she would need a nursing home? If she does not have much money would she qualify for medicaid to pay for a nursing home?
Do you have siblings or are you an only child?