Hi all, sorry for the loooong post, but It's been a while since I've asked any questions as everything is sort of floating along right now, though it's far from good and the ship is sinking. My FIL passed this March (2022) at 92+. MIL, the one with early/moderate dementia, as a widow, is living alone at 88. We've managed to get her to allow us to have a caregiver come in two days a week for 3 hours at a time. The lady takes her to the store, etc. since my husband disabled her car. We live about 130 miles away and we both work. She won’t move closer to us because when we retire next year and move closer to our son, she doesn’t want to have to move again and won’t go to a “cold” climate (Olympia, WA). She won’t wear a Life Alert and won’t use Alexa.
Her current house is 1,900 sq ft and too big for her. We have taken her on tours of Assisted Living places, which she thought were okay for “some day.” We even found one that will allow her to bring her large dog, who is a huge part of the problem. More on her later. She also says that since her budget is sort of balanced, she can stay put. (True enough, but it won’t stay that way as she needs more care.) We'd like to move her while it's not a panicked emergency.
We FINALLY got her to go to a primary doctor, who referred her to a neurologist as he didn’t feel he could accurately diagnose her. So my husband, 64 and her only child, took off and drove down to take her to see him on 10/31. Neurologist says she may have had a stroke because she’s weaker on the right side. MIL says it’s because she’s left-handed. Maybe so, but he wants an MRI. MIL couldn’t remember the 3 words even until he got out of the room so we thought we would at least be able to get a paper with a preliminary dx of dementia. Nope. He said first he would call my husband in a week with results of blood work, etc. He never called. We tried about 7 times to get ahold of him and left messages. Desk person says she will call back with info. We never hear from her either. So no diagnosis means we have no legal ground to make her do anything, as I understand it. We are trying to get a referral to a different dr and/or a gerontologist. We did finally get ahold of the neurologist at the end of last week and he said all her blood work is good and she doesn’t need ANY medication. My husband said he sounded annoyed to have to talk to him. No word on diagnosis because no MRI yet and still no referral.
Now, about the 70-pound neglected dog: The dog won’t use a doggie-door if there is a flap installed. FIL removed the door flap between the house and garage, and this gives rats the run of the place. I find evidence in the living room, on the dining room table, across the furniture, on the 2nd floor. They are in her pantry and run along the baseboards in the bedroom. The exterminator won’t come and deal with the rats because they can't keep the rats out with no dog flap. Traps haven’t worked. The caregiver reports that they are now eating bananas kept on the kitchen island. MIL won’t let her throw them out because, once she cuts off the chewed part. “It’s still good,” she says. Same with spoiled food in the fridge.
So are we likely to get called by APS if a caregiver reports her? That might be the best thing that could happen, but I really don’t know. Am I missing something here? She plays cards and watches TV all day long. I guess she’s happy. But we are thinking that the breaking point for this all might be when she falls or otherwise gets hurt and has to go into the hospital.
I know we don’t have NEARLY the problems most of you do, but I appreciate your time.
A good mouser is great in an older home because mice happen. But, we had a cat that was a good mouser, caught a couple that had found egress in the fall - and then she got bit on the nose and never so much as reacted to any scratching in the outside walls.
Rats are too big for cats. A Rat Terrier might help, but that's one more dog being neglected and nobody wants that. And the terrier might dig into the walls to get to the rats and cause even more damage.
The sole option here is to have the dog rehomed, the MIL placed in a facility, and the home repaired and cleaned.
Call ASAP: pet control or the agency that deals with pet neglect. This woman CANNOT have a dog. Period. You must call authorities. This is animal abuse.
The rats ... Do you want this woman bitten by a rat?
Do you know what happens to a person bitten by a rat?
Do you want this woman living in these conditions?
No No and No.
Read this . . .
Some mice and rats can carry harmful diseases, such as HPS, Leptospirosis, lymphocytic choriomeningitis, plague, and typhus. The best way to protect you and your family from these diseases is to keep mice and rats out of your home.
and ...
Early symptoms include fatigue, fever and muscle aches, especially in the large muscle groups—thighs, hips, back, and sometimes shoulders. These symptoms are universal. There may also be headaches, dizziness, chills, and abdominal problems, such as nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and abdominal pain.
Now, the last question, can I visit you in Olympia? It is such a beautiful area (although I haven't been there).
PLEASE. TAKE CONTROL OF THIS SITUATION.
Call the police dept if necessary. This woman should not be allowed to live under these conditions - no one should. Gena / touch matters
Or, better yet, get APS out there (call them yourself) and have MIL moved to assisted living or memory care ASAP. Caregiver can and should report the sitch to APS, however you can call them yourself, because as you said, it could be the best thing to happen.
MIL isn’t thinking right anymore. That should be clear to you. Did you explain her living sitch to the Dr? Either make clear to the Dr she cannot live as she’s doing now, and needs diagnosis to move her to assisted living. Ask him for diagnosis. I know he said she doesn’t need meds, but clearly he should have a diagnosis in her chart. Explain you need diagnosis to move her someplace safe.
We told the dr that there are rats running all over the house. He said, "Well, that's not good." But he still has us waiting for her MRI, which has to come after it's approved by her insurance, which has to come after his assistant returns, who was out last week. It's so frustrating. I guess if we were to tell him APS came in, that might do something.
Thinking back on what you've all said, I can definitely see we are enabling her and living in fear of her. My husband is sort of giving her enough rope to hang herself, which is super annoying to me, but he's told me more than once I'm a control freak. So I back down. Families develop these really unhealthy patterns, don't they. So she and the dog are left to suffer even though it's her choice.
Take pictures and call 911 to request a welfare check and to appraise of
need of placement (the hospital's social worker should start the ball rolling).
I can't imagine who told you that the ability to write checks equals cognitive competency, it is simply false.
I had a Homecare client whose niece had to go for a guardianship when I, as the RN case mgr had to inform her that aunt was no longer safe at home. She told me that the week before, a guy selling frozen meats had sold her some $400.00 in frozen meats and the check was on a closed acct. Served that guy right to take such advantage, but it was one among several messes that required cleaning up. I testified in the court hearing on behalf of the niece so that the dear client could be placed in care and we stuck around with continued full services until she was moved.
Just the fact that she's living with rats is enough to have her deemed impaired and is a basis for further cognitive evaluation.
I don't envy all that you have on your hands with your MIL, but I have wondered if maybe what you had to tolerate in your own early years has contributed to delays in acting on this untenable situation.
I wish you the very best in resolving this and finally having your MIL placed in a safe and clean facility.
I'm surprised that the caregiver is willing to be in a house with rats running around.
Anyway, your husband needs to do something immediately. Rehome the dog. Having the dog there under the current conditions is causing the rat problem. Seal up the doggie door. Get rid of the rats immediately.
Those three things will at least make your MIL and the caregiver safe from rat bites and rat droppings which are also very toxic and disease ridden.
All of that may buy you some time before you have to move her, but at 88 years old, it's getting close to time.
There are no 'last chances' for your MIL. Pick her up bodily and put her in the car after you tell her the Board of Health condemned her house. That's what I would do if it were MY mother, even if she was as mad as a wet hen, who cares? Deal with that anger later, after the house has been made safe. Neither she nor her dog can or should be living in such a dangerous environment. Ask yourselves how you will feel if she's dead (God forbid) or hospitalized with rat bites or disease b/c nobody had the guts to do the right thing, for fear of angering her?
This advice comes from a place of caring about you and your MIL, her dog and your DH, who should get a full physical from his PCP once this crisis has passed.
My hunch is that you’ll be looking at more than a pantry’s worth of money and
time when you get that estimate. In any case, that’s what you tell Jeanne (as it is inevitable anyway).
Yes, it will upset MIL. You are waiting on a DX that likely will never show itself. You don't need a DR to tell you that what you are seeing in MIL is wrong on many levels.
Worst case, the house may be condemned and she wouldn't be allowed to move back in.
Normal thinking people have a real aversion to cohabiting with rats. Just saying.
We lived by a field when my kids were growing up. B/C they would leave doors open all the time, we'd get mice now and then. I'd go into full 'Crazy Mom' on those critters. Traps, poison, whatever it took. Mice outdoors are adorable. Once they come in the house, they are the enemy.
As for an AL move, finances will come in to play. If having a few hours of caregiving, with likelihood of increase in services, in the home is going to bring her 'budget' down to a more critical balance, she certainly will not be able to live long in a self pay AL facility. They are quite expensive. So she and the dog would be quite limited on how long they can live at AL.
Assuming dog exits house into a garage and goes to the bathroom in there, get an extermination/rodent company to come in to set traps. If garage attaches to house, the rats are coming in via holes around pipes or other exterior entrance. These can be sealed and traps set to catch what is already inside. If the dog exits house via open dog door, goes into a garage and then exits another open door to get to a yard, any wild animal could enter the house. And a burglar could also enter the house. -- She is either going to have to get up and let the dog out or lock/seal any exits from garage to yard to get rid of the rat problem and keep her home secure. So if dog is confined to garage to go to the bathroom, someone needs to be hired to clean that up, too.
Caregiver needs to keep old food cleared out of the icebox and toss any item found to have been chewed on by a rat. Remove all the food items from pantry that allow easy access for rodents/bugs. Store all those types of foods in the refrig. Only cans in the pantry.
I think I would throw a little more money toward her in home care so she can stay in the home as long as possible with the dog before I would spend a great deal of money per month for AL. A 70 lb dog may live 9-14 years with fairly decent care, food, and vetting when needed. If the dog is up in years, it may not play a role in her placement later on.