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So sorry, I would think it would be best if you backed off a bit, hire people for her to do the around the house stuff. Cut back on your visits, take her to the grocery store let her buy what she thinks she needs.

Me thinks that you are trying too hard.
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ctccbc Nov 2019
She is in assisted living and her house is about to be sold. She's been in the facility for a little over a week and I haven't visited yet.
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I'm sorry you are going through this. She may never be able to accept her circumstances 100%, but that doesn't mean she won't have periods of time where she is perfectly content, even happy. Unfortunately contact from you is likely to remind her of her past life, and that will bring her grievances to the forefront. All I can advise is to help her focus on the positive aspects of her life while ignoring the reasons she is there, and armour your heart.
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She tried to see a grief counselor once but didn't like it. And yes, my father had only been retired 2 years when he passed. The psychiatrist felt like the unaddressed grief led to the Delusional Disorder.
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My mother will turn 79 in April. My father died back in 2006 so she has lived alone and has gone through periods of deep depression. She met these scumbags on Christian Mingle of all places, just because she was lonely and depressed and just looking for someone to talk to. They took advantage of her depression and loneliness and beginning stages of Mental Illness/Dementia to scam her out of thousands. Before my father died, she was a loving and fun mother who enjoyed spending time with our two boys. She was never the same after my Father died and the mental issues and Dementia have developed since August 2017 when the scamming began.

She has become a recluse and anti-social as the Dementia and Depression have continued. I'm hoping that having other people to talk to instead of being alone most of the time will help her. I live only a mile away but work rotating shifts and only saw her a couple of times a week. Needless to say, our relationship hasn't been the best over the past 2 years. I realize she is sick, but she has continually lied and covered up her scamming and that has made me angry as well.
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Countrymouse Oct 2019
Her cover-ups were damaging and frustrating, no wonder you feel angry about them.

She covered up what she was doing because it brought her some comfort (also damaging, alas) and she didn't want to stop. Seeing the reason can take some of the worst of the frustration away.

I am sure you are right that daily contact with others could be transformative for her. God willing, there will be individuals she forms a connection with.

Did she ever have any bereavement counselling after the loss of your father? It must have been a dreadful thing for all of you, his dying just as they were embarking on retirement, it seems.
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I should have thought to ask - how old is your mother?

What was her life like before these pond-life tow-rags moved in on her and took advantage? What were her main interests and sources of personal fulfilment? I'm thinking in terms of how her emotional and social needs might start being met to help her settle in.
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The facility was selected by DSS as it was one that had a current opening. I've been happy with my interactions with the staff so far. Other than a phone call on Monday, I have not had any contact with my mother at the facility. As angry as she is now, my thinking is not to see her for a few weeks perhaps, to allow her to adjust to her surroundings and allow her anger to subside.

As far as the diagnosis, it was made my a psychologist at a full-day exam for guardianship. She suspected frontal-lobe dementia and diagnosed Delusional Disorder, which has been the overwhelming issue with my Mother, thinking that the scammers are legitimate men who love her. She talked to 3 different men, telling all of them that she loved them and planning a life with them, and sending thousands of dollars to each. She has sent over $80,000 in all since this started and showed no signs of stopping. That is why I made the decision to get her into Assisted Living. I do have the support of my loving wife and my 2 children.
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You have certainly been through the mill. Do you have moral support from others in your life, or are you going through all of this alone?

I do see one big conflict in your description of what's going on. Your mother is mentally ill, you have the formal diagnosis, you have guardianship, it couldn't be any clearer that her understanding is severely impaired. And yet... what are you expecting of her? That she should acknowledge her mental illness, calm down, and accept that the steps you've taken on her behalf are in her best interests. But she can't!

That doesn't make what you and she are going through any less painful. It must be horrible to hear your mother blame you.

How did you go about selecting this facility for her, or did your social work team recommend it as well as handling the operational side of the move? I'm just wondering how much confidence you might have in the facility's support for your mother's mental wellbeing.

It has only been a week. Have you had any contact with her at all? - did you call her and just get your ears bitten off?
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BetseyP Nov 2019
How sad a situation. But I think Countrymouse is asking the right questions. Your mother's brain is making her angry. It's too bad that she's in a facility aways a way but I feel that you should visit as often as you can, even if in the beginning you don't stay very long. You're her definition of stability and now that you don't have to care for her hour by hour visits will help her adjust to her new living situation. Hopefully she'll make some friends that aren't trying to get her money. Good luck.
BetseyP
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