My husband has been in and out of the hospital with various health issues and 9 different operations since 2015. He has been in MC for a little over a year. He is violent and has been sexually aggressive with me before he went into Memory Care. In the first few weeks of being in his second facility he lured a female resident to his room. She was not touched, but my husband took off all his clothes. According to the facility, he knew what he was doing. Fourth facility he and another patient fondled each other and it was consensual on both parties after it was throughly investigated. He knew what he was doing the first time around because his mental state wasn’t all gone.
My question is would it be wrong to get in touch with a former boyfriend I haven’t seen or talked to since I was 20 years old? I am now 78. He was my first love but Vietnam stood in the way. I married my husband and have been married for 56 years. Under the circumstances of not having a “husband” anymore, is it wrong? I am not looking for anything like a sexual encounter but a connection with my first love. My marriage was just a marriage and I should have divorced within the first few years of being married. Had two girls and didn’t want to split up because they needed a father and a mother.
If you want out then get a divorce and move on with your life look forward, not backward, there is no relief there.
Good Luck!
Hypothetically, let’s say you get together with the old boyfriend or meet someone else. At some point you will have to tell them you are legally married. Doesn’t bode well for a potential suitor when you’ve told them you’re still married but seeing other people now that husband is no longer sane. How would the new guy not worry that you’d do the same to him later on?
I don’t know how divorce works when a spouse is mentally compromised. It sounds like you checked out of this marriage a long time ago. Why keep hanging on?
You can start a new chapter in your life, but you can’t relive a youthful fantasy.
You can see how Terri’s hub had a conflict of interest. I don’t think dating or even sex crosses the line in the way that establishing a long term future with someone else does.
A human is a mind with a body. Your husband's mind is gone. The body is still alive.
My good friend's parents divorced when he was in his late 20's. His father hooked back up with his high school sweetheart when he was in his 60's. They had twelve happy years together and God bless.
Good luck with reaching out to your first love, and I truly wish you all the best.
If you want to do this for you, however, do it. Life is too short. Find your happy ending.
Be gentle with your kids’ feelings. They may not feel understanding.
Don’t worry about what any others think or say.
I wish you much happiness, you certainly deserve it!
I therefore say YES, do make contact with your first sweetheart. If you can reinstate an affectionate, convivial friendship with your first love, all the more power to you.
Everyone needs a close friend, and sometimes reminiscing about old times can be both bittersweet and cathartic.
I wish for you, and your first love, the very best! You deserve it.
Why would her husband who's out of it with dementia and in memory care even have to know? There is absolutely no reason why he would need to.
As for the kids and maybe they wouldn't be on board with their mom the OP seeing someone else, it's none of their business.
He will figure out why you contacted him, right quick. As soon as you talk about your life, it will be obvious. Like a neon sign.
I know why the now, buy why him? Unfinished business it seems?
Just something to consider. Can you reach out to girlfriends and say your lonely? Someone to talk you.
Im not saying don't contact him. I'm saying consider collateral damage, if things turn romantic. If you just want to see what happened in his life, that's different.
What do your girls think of this idea of mom breaking her wedding vows after all these years while their Dad is in a facility to go find an old love.? Have you had the intestinal fortitude to ask them? I'll bet not because you you know they would feel it's the wrong thing to do. With that being said, I think you are feeling relieved that you are now a free woman. You are basically in a period of adjustment and you are thinking of doing things you're not quite ready for nor have you thought it out thoroughly... you've let fantasy get in the way if logic. You must have a talk with yourself. If you feel you've got to make such a bold move as to hunt this old boyfriend down, you'd better get a divorce first or wait till your husband passes. If you don't, and happen to reconnect with old boyfriend, what do you think he will think of you??..a married woman, who dumped him in the past, who has now dumped her sick husband and is out looking for other men. He'll drop you like a hot potato as old feelings of rejection, resentment etc resurface in his mind. I'd be ashamed and feel like a fool doing what you are asking us to give you permission to do. There are plenty of men out there to get involved with. Why old boyfriend? Guilt? You threw him away decades ago. Now you want to reconnect? Leave that poor man alone. How do you think you will be seen in any man's eyes with a sick husband now locked away and you are still married to the man. I'll bet they'll cease to be interested in you after funding out you've got a husband.
Put the horse in front of the cart. Either get a divorce or wait till husband passes. Don't make a fool of yourself. I think you already know all this, but talk it over with your daughters because in the long run, it is they that will judge you most. It's their Dad you are wanting to step out on. Just because he was abusive to you, doesn't mean they don't love their dad. I'm sure they love you as well. Therapy is needed by you before anything. You certainly deserve it. Good luck!
You've heard the term YOLO (You Only Live Once), right?
The OP needs to go for it. Even of nothing comes of it, at least she took a chance on love.
I hope she does it. I can't help being a romantic. It's who I am. I'm twice divorced but I'll never give up on love. The Op shouldn't either.
From a guys point of view, which is near to impossible as I am not, he may think that you're out for sex no matter what you intend. He may think badly of cheating on your husband and there will be no amount of "no, you misunderstand" that will fix that.
This is so difficult. TV, movies, and the occasional newspaper or magazine articles report too that such things happen. Great human interest story, good Hallmark story, or a Reader's Digest quick read but you never see how it pans out.
Could be that your old boyfriend may be pining for you too. On the other hand after 58 years your beau may be in a world of neediness, diapers, colostomy bag, hel-acious bad breath, warts and all and in debt.
In the midst of sadness it's very common and normal for the mind to automatically snap back to the last point of happiness, or even an imagined oasis of relief. It's a micro vacation that takes off the pressure. A bit of heaven in your mind. But it is very important to replace that maybe with something or someone well thought out. Especially because there is (1) no more time to waste and (2) you do not want to pile on more sadness.
If you must find out about him without being intrusive give it a try. Keep in mind he hasn't reach out to you and you may be giving him grief.
This may be helpful -
Almost 52 years ago I took a typing class. There was a young man in the class who was a crack typist but registered for the class to meet nice girls.
With that in mind there may be a better way for you to reach out for something real. Go to places or join in on a pastime that older guys may be likely to go to like car shows, dancing, dog parks, parks, museums, coffee shops, library, petting zoo's (they maybe with their grandchildren). Many older people do volunteer work at hospitals. You may meet an active older gentleman there that simply got a cut from skateboarding or just model building and is otherwise in good shape, fun loving and would love company.
These would be the genuine articles and not a shaky memory of wishes.
If you go to the park or boardwalk bring a thermos of coffee and an extra cup.
I felt I wasn't getting any "younger."
Your's would just be a little earlier in the game. The man you married is no longer there. His body is, but.....
Good Luck!!!
Reach out and see if you ole beau is even wanting to chat. He might, he might not.
You might not even like him now, after all, time does change all things.
I know what it's like to live in a broken marriage. I've live it everyday for the past 15 years. Started off great and things continually worsen daily. We're like 2 strangers that just survive under one roof. The love is gone, completely. I live with a bitter, hateful, moody person of whom I don't even know anymore.
I've asked him for counseling, church, and any type of therapy and the answer is always no.
I'm hoping someday to have someone that will truly love me until the end. And if I could reach out to a friendly face from the past, I would sure give it a chance, But at this point I can't do that. If it worked out, great! If not, I could rest my mind that it wasn't meant to be.
If you don't reach out to him, you'll always wonder, what if........
Take it slow, keep it simple, if the old flame doesn't work out, you can rest your mind that he just wasn't the one.
Best wishes for you
You took vows. As “sucky” as the situation may be, to cheat on someone because they are sick is wrong. If you are unhappy, then by all means, leave and get a divorce so you can live your own life. People will say to divorce someone who is sick is wrong. But it’s better than cheating.
You are entitled to your life, but take the high road. By taking the high road you will never regret it.
The OP's been married for 56 years she isn't a young girl anymore. Her legal husband is in a memory care facility with dementia and probably couldn't even tell you what day it is.
So, if she got together with her first love and they have something going, is it really cheating?
There's no reason on earth why she'd even need to tell her dementia husband about it. That would be unnecessary cruelty and he'd probably forget five minutes later.
As for the "vows". At their age, really?
True the OP would be taking a risk of being very disappointed. Better to be disappointed then to never have tried at all.
How do YOU feel about it? Obviously you are having second thoughts or you would not have posed the question.
Are you looking at this forum as your "moral compass"?
What would your reaction be if your best friend asked you this question if she were in the same position?
What would your reaction be if your mom was in the same position 30 years ago? (I just picked 30 years as just a number)
Again...you are an adult. Your former boyfriend is an adult. No ones opinion should matter.
I guess the other thing is if you have not contacted him is he
1) still interested?
2) many things have changed in that many years he is NOT the same person he was.
3) is he healthy, the last thing you need to do is become a caregiver to someone else.
First, you deserve support and respite and how you choose to provide that for yourself should be entirely your choice. People will judge you if you get a Chia Pet and people will judge you if you have coffee with an old flame... so what???
I could go on and on, but you probably get the idea...
The "not having a husband anymore" is just a bit more complicated, but still pretty easy. (Sorry, not sorry if you don't like what comes next.)
When you did the "For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part" thing you signed a long-term contract and it seems like you have upheld your end of the contract very well - even if your husband may not have. Honor yourself for that. Be proud of yourself for that and thank God for the strength, courage, patience, and everything it took to get you to today. You are stronger than most, braver than most, and a great role model for your girls.
You are probably thinking I am going to say you have to honor that contract till the "death do us part" clause kicks in. Well, yes and no. Unless you are going to end the contract by divorce, murder, or suicide (I don't recommend any of those options) you have to deal with the moral obligation and guilt you have to your husband - because he is your husband - even if his mind is mush and he's grabbing every girl part he can.
You are in a lucky spot for two reasons. First, the contract can be modified to suit the current conditions. Start by creating clear guidelines for how you will operate in the marriage. It may be, "I will visit once per week for 45 minutes and deal with emergencies" or whatever is appropriate under the circumstances. Let the people who need to know know what they can expect of you and follow through on your new promises.
Next, just be authentic with the people who matter - including your husband. They will understand and support you. Let them know you are planning to have coffee with the old friend. There is no need for shame, guilt, or anything but a bit of happiness and sunshine in your life.
Please go get some happiness. You deserve it!
~BRAD