Would you help an in-law who has verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused you for years?

No

You have no obligation to do this. I would say that if she has become more pleasant, you might do it since it may not be for long. However, if she is still really abusive, don't do it. It is very damaging emotionally and psychology to be continually abused, especially without cause, for a long period of time. Maybe you can hire someone who come in for part of the day to take care of the things you are not currently doing for her? This is not financially an option, but it is a thought. However, I will tell you that if she treats caregivers the way she treats you, they probably will not stay long. In any case, if her own children will not take on this responsibility, why should you. It is a terrible shame when someone's lifelong behavior puts them in this position, but you certainly do not have to suffer because of it

Hello,
So this is a little hypocritical. My mother was hard & critical with her mouth. She told me she knew my 2 brothers would be the ones taking care of her. Well, my baby brother suddenly died in front of us in 2019 & my older brother vowed to never care for her. At 57 my mom was diagnosed with Dementia my brothers death made her decline badly. Since caring for her she has punched me in the face, and fought me while driving. Despite all of that it is my honor to care for my mom. I can't explain it to you but it is. Well my MIL see how I take care of my mom and she said I know you would care for me too. ABSOLUTELY NOT! First of all, she is narcissistic. None of her grandchildren or nephews have invited her to a wedding or graduation because of her episodes. Secondly, she has always been so ugly toward me, My husband can literally curse her out (I would never do that to my mom or MIL) and she MIL will blame me. She asked me to have a gathering for her family at my house. I said no because I wasn't feeling well. Her family came anyway then an hour later she arrives. She has never had any respect and I unapologetic will not care for her. I didn't tell her that....I figure I will let her perfect son break it to her when its time. To the Moon Alice....I meant MIL!
However, sometimes God will humble the person that has to depend on your care. I don't know if that's your case. I wouldn't care about the past only the present. If my MIL changes (but she cant she is a narcissist) I would definitely take care of her despite past problems. I cared for her early in my marriage but its a no for me now.
However, it is more important for you to be mentally well. No one can tell another person what they can handle. I used to think it was cruel to put your family in a home. I have still chosen not to put my mom in a home though she can get violent but I understand now another persons reality.
Take care of 2 things: your spirit and your mind and then the decision should come easier.

It's the classic "mother of son versus any other female" power play. Now, the mother is a sick woman at the end of her life, knowing she is soon facing her mortality. What is to be gained at this point by harboring old bitterness over her past slights? Your husband (her son) needs to step up and assume more of his responsibility so you can handle the (personal) care. Alternately, continue as is and hire someone to handle her hygiene, etc. She is a vulnerable senior, likely regretting her past behavior towards you. No, it's not always fair, but you will have a clear conscience with an angel's blessing for your compassion.

No, a thousand times no. Do not do it. Caregiving is hard enough when you love the person.

Because she is the woman who raised the man I love and chose to spend my life with, yes I would help but not necessarily the way it sounds your MIL wants. You are already doing a lot and obviously caring for her needs more than anyone else and while that is certainly more than enough I would probably be willing to set up the type of caregivers she is expecting to need. But I would be very cautious to stay that step away from “hands on” and give yourself the ability to do that only when moved to not because there is no one else. The things you do to make sure she has what she needs is for the people we love and in this case maybe that’s for her son more than it is for her. Support each of them as best you can without sacrificing more of yourself than you can spare. This is the way I think I would approach it if I were in your place but can’t say for sure since my DH mom passed before I came along.

NO

I am a true believer in karma. It comes around and goes around on a regular basis. So you shouldn't feel bad if you decide not to care for her. It's really not you responsibility. But if you do care for her, you'll get some karma points added to your account. But no reason to feel guilty either way you decide. She wants your help because she probably realizes you're the only one that would help. What I would do, if she has the funds, or if you do and are willing is get home health care for her if she doesn't have it already and decide how much time you're willing to spend/help her. And when she gets abusive, as she will, towards you, tell her you're leaving her in good hands with the health care workers. Be compassionate, but not to the extent you end up resenting her more. Then see if there's anything good in her to like and work towards bringing out that side of her.

ABSOLUTELY NOT !!

NO absolutely not. You reap what you sow and if she's been vile then she does not deserve help from you.

It's difficult to say this, as I am not in your shoes, but as a Christian, I believe I'd do what I felt I could w/o jeopardizing my sanity and my marriage. HOWEVER, I would put what I planned to do in writing, give her and your spouse copies, and keep extras for when she "loses" hers. Let her know in no uncertain terms that this is the extent of your help and that her son can step up for anything else. When she passes, you will have peace of mind, and your will have helped someone who almost no one would even consider helping. God bless you for even thinking about it.

I would not help her any more than you have. Get her into hospice. I think you’ve done enough.

No way, no how! You are doing too much as it is. Only a masochist would become a slave to their abuser.

You and I must have the same MIL... my husband is it because his sister finally after years walked away when mother called her screaming I hate you and never want to see you again. My husband is there 6 out of 7 days but she tells everyone who will listen she hasn’t seen her sob for a week...We pay (her money ) a sitter that is there 3 days a week for 4-5 hours. I myself go on occasion with my husband to visit.

Do what you can and want to do for her. Then help her find help to do the rest. Your husband will know you helped and you'll know you helped. Not every one will serve as a 24/7 caregiver for someone else. Some folks have limits. You know what yours are. Just let go of what happened over the years. No point in you reliving the anger you must feel. Maybe there will be a few good days left with her.

A toxic person is poisonous................it is up to you to take the poison or walk away.

I would call Adult Protective Services for placement evaluation and let her go with strangers who have no personal relationship that would be damaged by interacting with her.

This is about you, not her son.

There is no need to blame any of the two. If you don't feel comfortable being her caregiver, don't do it. There is no sin in being honest.

Don't do it. You will be so miserable. you already helping. Can she get assistance like a home health aide, get a social worker involve?

You're already doing plenty. Not your job to do more.

It’s not clear what help your MIL is asking for or needs, but I can tell you this: if she is dying and needs 24/7 care, it’s not a job for one person. My MIL came to stay with us when she was released from the hospital and decided to go on hospice (she had cancer). My husband and I took care of her 24/7. I did most of the personal care but he was there helping constantly with everything else. She only lasted three weeks. I could not have done this for any length of time by myself. And I would have resented him for it if he’d asked me to.

Do as much as you feel comfortable with so you don't feel bad later, this is a hard situation to be in

yes i would and had a similar situation and helped til the end 18 months

I would NOT start caregiving for someone I did not like and had bad history with. No way. It's hard enough when you start in positive territory.

Sunflowergarden: No, do not become her caregiver. Caregiving is hard work and this mean spirited individual has unfortunately 'made her bed.' Don't wear yourself out for someone who wore out their welcome by treating you unacceptably.

Sounds like her cogs have been out of sync a long time. I'm sorry for the abuse you've endured. You're amazing for all you've done and do for her.

For your benefit, get help to help you help her, then back off little by little as you steadily keep palming off more responsibility to aids. Just oversee the help.

It's sad, it's wearing, it's hurtful, and it's not forever. Mean people are awful pitiful creatures. You deserve a medal and an all expense paid trip to Bora, Bora. Tell your husband he needs to send you and that you'll need a masseur and a swimming instructor while your there.

Can she hire someone to come in and help her?

Hello, Sunflowergarden: Maybe you should get a notebook and write down your i.d.'s and passwords for the various sites you visit? Just a suggestion, so you can keep posting under the same i.d., and we know you who are! LOL

You've omitted key information, namely, whether MIL has long-term care insurance, or what sort of insurance she has. If she truly is close to the end, does she have coverage for hospice care? If so, you could of course continue to see her daily, but the heavy lifting would be left to the institution. Then you would be responsible for disposing of her assets. Or if she stays at home, does she have the insurance or the savings to hire round-the-clock care, or even two shifts, 7am to 3pm, and 3pm to 11pm? Whether you love or hate her, end-of-life care is more than any one person should handle alone.

Now, I can't tell you what you should do, but I can tell you what I have done, and how I came to that decision.

Both my parents were bananas, and that's a nice way of stating the case. My father was a nasty piece of work, and it took me 20 years of various types of psychotherapies to begin to calm the post-traumatic stress. There was a period of about 5 years where I had no contact with him. But I knew that for my own sense of self-respect and completion in the relationship, I would have to "shake hands with the dragon," in the words of a former therapist.

In the case of my father, my stepmother (another nasty piece of work) was his caretaker (thank god!). The three of us met at least weekly for Sunday brunch. Brunches were generally amicable, but at least once I remember having a flashback afterwards (ironically, we'd had a very pleasant time at a lovely restaurant. Go figure!). Yet, by the time he died, overall I had a different perspective on him, our view of each other was much more eye-to-eye, than daughter to father. I saw him much more as a badly broken human being than a terrifying abuser. And the moment my brother told me over the phone that he had died, I immediately had a sense that I'd done the right thing. Not that we'd succeeded in creating a great relationship, but that it was the effort we made that counted for everything. Call it a sudden spiritual realization, if you will.

Nowadays, I'm caring for my sometimes fun and friendly, sometimes deranged and nasty, 92 year old mother. Sometimes I want to walk away and leave her to her fate. Yesterday, she put two pieces of bread in the broiler (she refuses to use the toaster I bought her), and I smelled something burning from the bedroom. She'd forgotten the broiler was on. She pulled out two completely charred pieces of toast, and the smoke filled the apartment. "What smoke?" she demanded. (Crazy.)

Frankly, I couldn't live with myself if I got news from a stranger that my mother had set the building on fire and burned to death in her apartment.

So here's the question that my decisions to deal with my father and care for my mother revolve around: How will I feel when he or she is gone if I do x, y, or z? How do I WANT to feel? What do I have to DO to achieve that aim? For me, I want to be able to look back and say, "I feel good about the choice I made. It benefitted him/her, it benefitted me. We are both better off for it."

My mother still can be very abusive, and the effect on me can be toxic; but, I have a strong support system of friends. If I were isolated without support, I would have to make other arrangements. And, in fact, I am making arrangements to get incoming daily help and, while this involves some necessary legal wrangling, I know we'll all be saner and happier in the end.

I hope this is useful to you. Best wishes!

It sounds to me from the wording of your question that you have not forgiven her for her past (and maybe present) behavior towards you.

It would be both unwise and unhealthy for both of you to enter into a caregiver relationship with her.

What you CAN do is to arrange her care. You can find and choose an agency to come in and provide whatever care she needs. You can order online and arrange weekly delivery of groceries. You can hire a cleaning lady for her. You can schedule Dr appointments and (depending on her treatment of you) transport her to these appointments and attend them with her.

In this way, you are advocating for her without placing yourself in a role of direct care. A direct care role would only make you more resentful, especially if she continues with her current behavior pattern. Arranging care helps meet her needs while also protecting your boundaries.

I feel for you. I wouldn't help my MIL. She is like the most toxic, abusive, controlling and irrational person. It felt awful telling her we wouldn't have her live with us (she is constantly on about love, dedication, etc etc- just one never ending guilt trip). It feels all wrong that we can't have her live with us, but we can only manage about an hour or so with her. We can barely help her as she alternates between verbally abusive and emotionally demanding. She needs to be in control of absolutely every little detail of everything and everybody. I think is someone is abusive then just because they are old, they don't get the right to get help from the people they have abused.

ClaraKate: "What you CAN do is to arrange her care. You can find and choose an agency to come in and provide whatever care she needs. You can order online and arrange weekly delivery of groceries. You can hire a cleaning lady for her. You can schedule Dr appointments and (depending on her treatment of you) transport her to these appointments and attend them with her."

Why doesn't the H, mil's son, do all of this?