My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
Her daughter was wishing and prying for Mom to die, she expected to live days maybe week or two. Shocking, yes, but dying with dignity is gaining popularity.
So no, I don’t think it’s bad in some cases to wish an aged person/ dead.
The first time I wished for someone to pass quickly was in the case of my granddad, who was terminally ill. My mom moved in with him and my grandmother, as 24 hour caretaker, temporarily to fulfill their wish that he die at home. During that time, my dad and I received phone calls from my mom every damn night complaining about granddad's suffering and the ill use/abuse mom was enduring from insensitive family members. When you have to listen to the ongoing saga of someone dying inch by inch every day, you do learn to hope for a swift release for all concerned.
All the best to you and your mom.
I haven't spoken to her in 11years, to me, she is dead, that one forever step has set me free of her hold. I have gone no contact with her several times before, one time for 9 years, but I kept taking her back, she was my mother, after all, BIG mistake, the torture continued, now that I have designated her as dead I cannot go back.
Yes, she is still alive at age 97, two years ago my brother & I got her placed in AL, she had fought us tooth and nail before she had a slight stroke and she thought she was going to die.
My brother brought her to Florida, I found her a place, ran back n'forth between NC & Fl, cleaned out her house, had it repaired and sold it, never speaking to her. My brother does the leg work now, I will help him as needed behind the scenes. I do it to support him, not her.
I am at peace not having anything to do with her, I am finally free!
Believe me, I get it!
Please find out about services which can help you by providing care for her and some very much needed 'freedom' for you.
Start now because you deserve to have your own life as she has had. You have an obligation to look after yourself it seems to me that you have tried hard with her but enough is enough. I wish you well.
Everyday you are experiencing an unrelenting inescapable drip, drip, drip, of mental torture and despair.
No human being except for those in a savage prison camp constantly experiences no happiness or stays at an intestine-twisting-job 24/7 without let up. Who do you know that wakes up already at their job, goes to bed at their job, spends weekends at their job, no vacation from their job, no holidays from their job, no new years or birthday celebrations, always at their job, year after year after year. People complained about the isolation of Covid, give me/us an ef-fin break. What Covid?
I wish it would end one way or another and yet I do the right thing and he looks great. He has great blood pressure and heart, no diabetes or arthritis, no asthma, no torn rotator cuff (and retorn as I have), nothing. He's a great physical specimen, except for his mind, at a great cost. I have greatly changed over the last 15 years.
In the beginning of this journey I'd look up and plead - please let me live just one day longer than him 'cause no one would make sure he gets pedicures, or will make sure he doesn't have a rash in his butt from not wiping or washing properly, or makes sure he's as well fed, and that his ear, nose hair and beard is handsomely trimmed, and he brushes his teeth after every meal.
He doesn't appreciate anything. Like your mother to him everything out of his mouth is negative, everything is stupid or a waste of time or doesn't have any value and it goes on and on and on. He use to have the greatest laugh and a kind heart. He recently began calling me names that have made my eye brows hit my hairline. As an aside, I have to admit, that new change was so startling it had me giggling at first at the outrageousness of it. Until the second time. But my G-d a change from the incessant repetition was almost a splash of cold water. Man, that's not good.
He can't help it. It's not his fault.
I've been taking care of someone I haven't like for over a decade. I dislike my life. It's been a long time since I've stopped taking care of him because of him, but instead because of who I am. So noble right? No, I'm trying to hold on to being a human being for me. But this freaky reminent of the old me is being eaten away by this worse than Ebola Ground Hogs Day of a nightmare. I keep saying one way or another it's not forever.
Back to your question, no it's not wrong to hope someone dies. It's only normal to want to escape your prison. Daydreaming about a peaceful and happy life is healthy.
Pissssh. That was the sound of steam coming from the top of my head. Thank you for letting me release some from my valve.
No one has to tolerate or live in abuse.
If a situation is abusive, it does not matter if the abuse is because of dementia or mental illness or any other reason.
No one has to live that way.
If a caregiver is being abused by the person they take care of, they need to leave. If it's a parent have them placed in a care facility.
If it's an abusive spouse, divorce. If it's dementia have them placed.
No one has to tolerate berating, belitting, constant complaining, verbal/emotional/physical/psychological abuse.
NO ONE.
The "someone" you're caring for MicheleDL - Walk away.
Your life has value and is important too.
You asked a question. I, for one, do not think it is wrong to want a person to die.
My husband is in a NH with COPD advanced. I love him dearly. He was my rock and my strength and everything about this man is lovely. But. He is slowing 'losing himself' due to lack of oxygen to the brain and as I sit and watch and listen, I ask the Dear Lord to PLEASE take his servant soon. Mike would never want this, not in a million years. My heart can't break anymore than it has so yes, I want it to end.
Just my two cents worth.
Temper
My dad gets up every day, dressed, ready for the day and happy. If I inquire how he slept he usually responds positively even if he was awake for a period of time. He’s 87 years old with stage four lung cancer that’s he’s chosen not to treat. We don’t know how long we have with him but he’s outlived the Doctor’s initial estimate and continues to amaze us. The problem? Caretaking is mentally exhausting and requires a lot of stamina. Do I wish things had gone as they were predicted? Sometimes. We all thought we had this limited time with him and I’ve been sprinting through the past nine months rather than treating it as a marathon and pacing myself and others. I don’t know if others have had this experience but it makes me feel TERRIBLE. My dad is living his best life right now. He’s savoring everyday and gifting us the experience of accepting that life ends for everyone. How can I wonder “how much longer?” I am fortunate to have him with us, especially after he was in a terrible marriage that kept him from us for too long. He’s surrounded by family, young and old now that he’s with us.
I write all this to say: Even the best of circumstances can wear a caregiver down sometimes. We need to give ourselves more GRACE and respite. Our parents don’t want to decline, become more dependent and live with us or in AL etc. I know this plays a role in their mood and outlook some days.
I will continue my day knowing I have a good situation and that it could be worse. I will also pray for all the caregivers out there that struggle daily, sometimes or less, knowing we all need support at times. It’s hard. It’s fulfilling. It’s filled with emotions, no matter how easy or difficult our loved one is. I am thankful that I found this forum months ago. We all need this kind of support.
Good luck with your mother. I hope you both come to a place of peace when it’s time, whenever that is.
In the meantime hon, get an aid in or someone to help you. You need some time to yourself.
And don't berate yourself. You are only human, you know?
Temper
Don't feel bad that you want to be rid of the one person preventing you from being happy. A lot of us would have infinitely better lives if we weren't taking care of an abusive parent.
I would have no problems caring for an aging parent who appreciated what I was doing but few of us were prepared to deal with an abusive and petulant parent worse than taking care of a child for much of our adult life.
I have found that abusive people tend to live a long time because they suck the life out of their victims. Your life and safety matter. You matter.
It's gotten to a point now where her neediness and attention-seeking behavior is ruining my life. She doesn't have money for an AL or live-in help, so my sister and I will be discussing other possibilities.
I hate caregiving. It has done a lot of damage to my life. I'm almost 30 and I've had to help my mom in some capacity since I was 17 and caregiving is the only thing I've done since graduating college. I'm at the point where my disdain for helping my mom 24/7 outweighs my love for her. I cringe at times when she needs me to do something.
However, having said all of that, I DO NOT want the caregiving to end with her dying. I don't want it to end with me dying either. I want it to end with her being mobile and able to live on her own again and I can leave the nest and start my life. I don't want it to end with one or both of us dying or go through something major, tragic, or controversial.
You are too old to pin your life on the tooth fairy or Father Christmas!
Reporting myself to make this query and appreciate your consideration.
I see your point but cannot make this switch. Unlike questions, discussions do not have the "reply" feature. Changing this question to a discussion would delete all answers that have been posted as replies (like this one) from the thread. Thank you for your suggestion, though!
Two years ago, my downstairs neighbor wanted to suddenly become BFFs. She’d just hit about 60, but she wanted me to start doing things for her, while I work full time and she watches TV full time. I believe she now has MS. But, yes, these types think they will “decide” who will be their caregiver, how best they can trap them into it, they’ll smear campaign if you don’t and they don’t seem to care at all that the choice is actually yours. That you hold agency over whether or not you’d like to give up possibly the remainder of your life, in their interest, even when they say there like a king or queen, preparing for nothing, not considering purchasing long term care, and possibly not even trying to find what services there are to help them, because they decided they wanted the personal service you “should” be freely providing. They don’t even have to know you. Even other enabling numb nuts, who either don’t work or aren’t ambitious with personal pursuits think they can shake their finger at you, for not diving into caregiving. Bottom line is that CAREGIVING IS A CHOICE, particularly, when you don’t know and aren’t related or married to a person!
This is a BIG topic at our house as we come to terms with our own mortality.