My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
I haven't been to his gravesite since he was buried, and that has been almost eight years ago. I didn't grieve him that much either.
ER dump her and make the state take care of her. Some people don't deserve to have a family. She is one of them.
When we are seeing Loved ones suffer and be in pain I think it’s only human to want that pain to end for them and for them to in peace.
However, with her memory declining she has made life at times miserable for everyone in my home. She puts a strain on my marriage even though my husband is a very patient and kind man. I don’t wish for my mother to die, but there are times that I fantasize when she isn’t here that I have the house to myself again. I think about all the positives of her not being here constantly. I think for me it’s a resentment that is deep and it’s difficult for me sometimes to remember the person that she used to be. I have felt the same way as you and guilty that I think those negative thoughts…. but I have read that it’s natural for caregivers to get burned out and to be resentful and to start thinking about what it would be like when that person is no longer here.
Thanks to everyone here for ‘getting it’! It helps at least to know a bunch of us feel the same
There is no human being on this earth who has unlimited patience and compassion. At some point the well runs dry and there's none left. Especially if the caregiver has an abusive history with the needy, elderly person or persons they are caregivers too.
Even when there isn't a history of abuse, the elderly narcissism, complaining, morbidity, negativity, instigating, gaslighting, and last but not least the attitude of entitlement that elderly people often have in expecting others to cater to their every whim and demand simply because they are old.
No one can put up with this indefinitely no matter how patient, loving and compassionate they are. At some point they start to resent the elderly person they are a slave to. They can't change one more diaper. They can't scrub one more urine or sh*t stain off the carpeting or furniture. They can't spend one more second in the filthy, stinking, hoarded house. It's made ten times worse when the elder appreciates nothing and believes their caregiver really doesn't do all that much for them.
At some point, everyone wishes them dead because it means their slavery ends.
No one should ever feel guilty for thinking it because we all do.
Every day I struggle with my mother in law.
I don't think I will be free emotionally to just relax and not feel bad and affected by my mother's unhappiness and negativity (which often is unloaded at me) until she's gone as well. That's just a plain fact that I realized a long time ago. The other action would have been to never speak to her again, but she's not always like this and I love her anyway and have family loyalty.
I'm living with bipolar disorder, ptsd, and Fibromyalgia, myself, so some days it's super hard for me to take on any extra stress.
Just want you to know that I empathize and it sounds like your mother has a lot of health issues. At some point, she has to go and I understand how you feel. It's hard to deal with a negative person all the time who seems intent on bringing everyone else down around them. It's like being held in a prison of someone else's mind - just even having to be exposed to constant negativity.
Also, every elder who has someone to look out for them is very lucky. I don't believe there will be anyone looking out for me that is family if I live that long - single, no kids, no close relatives.
I think you have every right to feel the way you're feeling, and if anyone says otherwise than they're either a pious prick or they've never been a caregiver. Or both. It's totally normal to not want to have to deal with negativity all the time. It's totally normal to not want to feel weighed down by someone who doesn't appreciate the effort we put in anyways. It's totally normal to want a happy life and to want the thing standing in the way of that to go away. Was she like this when you were young? If she's always been this way then honestly I don't think you owe her anything, and a full-time nursing or hospice home might be the best thing for her. Let her see that you won't put up with her negative attitude.
If that isn't an option, which I understand because it isn't an option for me, then set some limits if you can. My mom is incredibly resistant and negative too, but what works for me is telling her that if she continues this behavior I'll walk away or if she won't take her meds then I'll have to have her go to an assisted living facility where they can take better care of her. It sounds like emotional terrorism, but honestly sometimes a mild threat (even one you have no intention of actually carrying out) can do the trick and let them know that you mean business.
It is not your responsibility to put up with the ugliness that someone else wants to spread out into the world. I wish the absolute best for you and I hope it at least helps to know that you are not alone, nor are you a bad person for having these thoughts. God bless.
thank you this is so well put.