Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

It is OK. I think many of us have felt similar. Perhaps it is not wanting someone to die, but rather wanting an end to a condition that will never improve. We want to stop feeling tormented by seeing our loved one in pain. We want to stop feeling helpless to make the situation better. We want to not feel guilty for taking care of our own needs over theirs at times. Sadly, their death is the only thing that seems will bring certain relief to such anguish. I never want to be in the condition my parents are in, but I know they didn't either. I wish we could chose the way we leave this life. Some things just seem inhumane and we wouldn't allow our pets to suffer like this. It is hard to acknowledge such feelings and I am sorry we are all on this difficult road.

As time goes by, it's getting harder to see my grandfather in the condition he's in. I don't even remember what my last report was in this post, but he was in a rehab facility for most of August. The first week or so of September he was discharged and not even 24 hours later he fell down the stairs and broke his neck. Had to have emergency surgery to get his neck fused and ran the risk of being paralyzed. My mom felt guilty because she had locked the basement door but she couldn't have known someone came to the house to work on something and left the door unlocked. My aunt had just gotten in town and felt guilty because she was in the shower. Yet they still want him to come back home after all of this...smh

He's still hospitalized, can talk but most of the time it's nonsense and him bringing up one of his siblings that's passed decades ago. He's been moved around a couple times, has had to have mitts put on so he won't pull off his gown or pull out his feeding tube. They're waiting for him to be placed in a rehab facility now. I hear he could be moved to one in a few days. Basically a wash/rinse/repeat situation, which shows me that everyone else seems to be in denial about the situation. But, I'm not POA so really it's not my problem. I just have to trust that my mother will do what's best.

Meanwhile I'm finally moving out of my grands' house next month into my first place! I've gotten nothing but grief and guilt trips from my mom and grandmother about it. Mom picks fights with me a lot over nothing. My grandmother is saying it's a bad time because my grandad "will really need you when he gets home." And also she says she needs help, but she's been getting around pretty well lately. Something tells me she's gonna start hamming it up soon, but I'll be ready. I have to do what's best for me. I put in my time, blood, sweat and tears basically for the last 10 years since graduating college. It's way past time.

I pray every night for my mother to die and i don't even feel bad about it. I plead and cry during the day and don't understand why I'm being punished with having to deal with her. I've always been a great daughter, a great Mom and i am in general a caring person but I'm at my limit as you are.

My 95 year old much loved mother has Alzheimer's and lives in a board and care facility. I can't quite work my mind around wishing she would die, but I do wish that her much loved parents and brothers and sisters (6 boys, 2 girls), who preceded her in death, would come to take her to be with them. Her youngest brother just died April 10, 2018, and if my mom were cognizant, this knowledge would have broken her heart. She was the 5th of nine children and has said goodbye to (now) all of her siblings. The blessing of Alzheimer's is that she barely remembered him so it wasn't necessary to explain why he wasn't calling or sending her letters. He actually sent her a birthday card in March but when I read it to her at the time, she didn't remember who he was. I visit her 3 days a week and try to be and work with wherever she is at that point in time, but it breaks my heart to see her like this. My mom led a simple life--she didn't have amazing hobbies or was civic mind and involved, but she did love her family, and was always there when you needed her, even if she disagreed with what you were doing. She was fiercely independent and never moaned and groaned about the difficulties that impacted her life. In fact, if you would have asked her, she would have told you that having her little house and pension from the State of California had given her so much more than she ever expected to have in her lifetime. She has always been proper and regal in her way, and though we four children teased her a lot about her "formal ways", I have always admired many of the standards of behavior and ideas she lived by, Perhaps that is why it is so difficult to see her where she is now.

So what I prefer to do is to envision my mother's family coming to take her home with them. Like most people with Alzheimer's my mom fixates on the past and not on her present, so often she doesn't know who I am, or takes me for someone else and I just go along with that. But when I pray, I see a large family gathering that has everyone we grew up with that has passed on, and they are waiting for my mom to join them. And I tell her, it's okay to go with them. That one day we will all be together but it's okay for her to go first. I think one day she'll listen to me and feel secure that her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren will be alright and be able to let go. She would never choose to live how she is living now, and she's actually in a very nice establishment. But it is not the life she would have
wanted for herself.

I cared for my father when he was diagnosed with cancer and his organs started to one by one give up on him. His arms, legs, half his face so eating became an issue, the ability to go to the restroom on his own, then eventually his brain. After months of care giving, changing diapers, feeding and him being stubborn and difficult, the same thought crossed my mind. Maybe, just maybe, it's better if he passed. I felt so guilty each time the thought came to mind, then a few seconds later he would be acting difficult and I would think the same thing; it was a cycle of those feelings daily. He passed away, looking back, it was best for him as he was miserable in his state and it was best for the family as well. All in all, I think it's just human nature to have such feelings and thoughts, we are not God, just humans. From one care giving child to another! Prayers to you!

kidnumber3 -with all due respect to cm's views, I think your mother is playing games and probably does on a regular basis. I think she knew what she was doing from the start. Any narcissist is very dependent on attention from whomever will give it, and to me it sounds like she plays your siblings very well. My mother, who is narcissistic, would do that type of thing. She actually gave me an antique item once, then when I wouldn't do what she wanted me to do with it, she took it back and said she would give it to my sister. It's called triangulation and is a way of expressing anger. She promised me items she had, so I put off getting such for myself, then she dragged her feet giving them to me. Finally I realised it was an attention-getting game as she would talk about maybe she would give it to me after... and so on but it would never happen. I learned to ignore her "promises". Another game was "Let's go shopping for summer clothing at X store", giving the impression that she would buy, then she would sit in a chair in the expensive store criticizing everything I tried on, and, if I chose anything, I paid for it. That didn't happen too many times till I caught on. I am sorry you have this to contend with, as well as well off siblings who "play" your mother,

I hang out n the dysfun fam thread. We share your pain of game-playing parent(s). ((((((hugs))))))

I should check out the dysfunctional families thread, Kidnumber2. You'll be in good company!

I'm not sure what to say about your current issue. An offer made and then withdrawn... I can see how it would grate, particularly when the rest of the family's main problem is whether to go on the Caribbean cruise or the trip to Hawaii. I'm so sorry they're being kept awake like this, it must be a constant worry for them.🙄

But from your mother's point of view, I wouldn't be so quick to blame her. The gift would, inevitably, come to light (and why not, it's her money isn't it?) and she'd never hear the end of it, by the sound of things. It's not so much afraid of the children as dreading the fallout and their going on an on about it and lecturing her. Which they would, I suspect, don't you?

If she were the sort of woman who could tell them to mind their own business, if she wants to get this necessary item for her own daughter who are they to say her nay, it would be a bit different. But then if she were that sort of woman, she wouldn't be so dependent on her children's attention and approval, would she.

Do you mind my asking what the item is? Will you have any other means of getting hold of it?

Honestly, I have a parent like this too. She is very divisive. Our parents divorced when we were young and the family is a case study in dysfunction.
I am barely making it by myself. The focus of my siblings is the care of my parents, particularly my mother. The woman is not well, but she has had more fancy vacations, trips, telephone calls and is a constant focus of attention of care and concern.
She offered to buy me a gift which is something I need and it is rather expensive. I told her that was very generous of her and I began to research prices, practically, etc.
When I told her I was just about ready to make the purchase, she expressed her concern that my siblings - who do a lot of nice things for her - would be mad at her if she bought an expensive gift for me.
All these people have so much more than I do. I am barely getting by. I did nothing t ask for this item. She offered it to me.
i just listened to a litany of my mother’s plans of what type of thrips she wishes to take in the future and that she is afraid if she buys me the gift she offered me my other siblings will not be so generous with her - because she shared some of what they gave her with me.
I never asked her for it. She offered. I have done a lot of research and was looking forward to receiving this important item. Now she is complaining that she is afraid to give me the money for it.
Afraid if her own children?’
I tell you this family is so disfunctional and she is the architect of it. I have a very strong feeling that few tears will be shed when she passes away.
It is just mean to say “I want to get you this”, then say - well maybe I shouldn’t.
She is also very generous with my nieces and nephews and her sister, my aunt. My siblings never say a word about it. Why she tortures me in this fashion I have no idea.
All I can say is it makes me feel very unloved and unappreciated.
When there is no love lost, there is really no loss when the person dies. The loss happened a long time ago.

Wow... I hope you can find some counseling.. My feelings are that if you love someone, it is possible to hope someone that is in clear pain and suffering passes as peacefully and promptly as they or God has set forth... but to hope someone dies because of the reasons you cited.. well.. if she makes you so miserable.. yes.. get away.. and if it feels good... definitely stay away... but to hope someone dies because of their ill mannered behavior.. bad attitude or simply your well being.. seems a little off target..
Put a respectable and respectful distance between you and her.. recreate , restore and further fortify your relationship boundaries , and then get/give some time for yourself to heal from the wounds of a rough time..... best regards..

I don't think it is wrong to want to see the end of someone's suffering.
I think if things are that bad, it's time to get a buffer. It could be a carer, respite care, or a home. You shouldn't have to put your entire life on hold to be abused.
Or call the doc and say this person is miserable and tell them why. Maybe they need anti anxiety meds or a depression med? Not that a pill fixes everything, but it might help.

I just spent the morning with my alcoholic mom and my dementia dad. They have no quality of life but are slowly killing mine. To answer your question: Nope.

Im in the same boat with a narcissist mother in law she has made all the wrong choices for her recovery from a stroke so now we are at the end of life with her and I know how you feel it just need to be over the resentment I have is horrible we as caregivers do so much to care and help and they don’t want it fight you in everything so don’t feel horrible
i have now a wonderful group of people from hospice and I’m thankful just want it over

I've been dealing with my 95 year-old father for 10 years. He yells and complains continuously, day in and day out, about everything, Yesterday, there weren't enough holes in his swiss cheese. My mental escape is to imagine how peaceful life will be without him. I see to his well-being conscientiously but I feel entitled to my thoughts. I will have earned my feelings of relief and paid for them with years of my life. Nobody in their right mind would miss this. I don't plan to waste a minute of my future freedom on guilt.

I'd like to rephrase the question (Is it wrong to hope someone dies?) to "Is it wrong to want an end to the physical and mental suffering that is happening to your loved one?"

The two questions are basically the same but the last puts it in a different perspective. If they weren't suffering with broken body or mind (or both), we wouldn't be wishing for their horrible existence to end.

So no one should feel badly to see someone's suffering end.
Just my 2 pesos.

I think it's totally normal. Heck, I have those thoughts all the time, so I hope it's normal!! And I pray every day that his good Lord will welcome my father into his loving arms sooner rather than later.

My father too is one of the most miserable human beings on the planet. Nothing makes him happy, nothing is ever good enough, he says he wants one thing-like to leave him alone-and when you give him that he complains you don't care. It's impossible and completely infuriating.

Yes, I wish my father would die, to end his suffering and this horrible lack of quality life he is now enduring. I guess I would be pretty unhappy if I were in his shoes too. Only thing is Dad has been this horrible all my life, the dementia just makes it worse.

Sometimes I wonder why I even got involved, why I bothered to move in and help him out. The truth is had I not he would already be dead. He was severely dehydrated, had lost a lot of weight, wasn't eating, but was still drinking alcohol. I stopped buying the booze, starting feeding him 3 wholesome meals a day, got him med compliant, and got him to the hospital when he fell and fractured his pelvis and got a spinal compression fracture. Had I not been here he never would have made it this far. Silly me.

So yes, I too wish my Dad would die and end this horrible mess and suffering for both of us. I'm in the process of getting him into a care facility. My nephew says that will be the death of him, because he's lived in his home for 60yrs and wants to die here. I said that would be a blessing!!

Good luck with your journey!

Don’t feel guilty. That’s an emotion with no benefits to either side. You need physical rest mental rest and time to yourself. Don’t be hard on you. After everything you’ done you should get a gold ⭐️. Who else has done as much as you? No one. Take a well deserved break and don’t be hard on yourself for wanting your life back

There are many reasons why a person would wish someone would dies sooner rather than later. Your thoughts and feeling are not actions. In my opinion it is what you do that counts. Please be careful that thoughts do not lead to wrong actions. Take good care of yourself, so that stress does not get the better of you. You might want to see a counselor, no I don't think you are mentally ill. Talking things out with someone who is not making a judgement and can't break confidence is very important. A support group is also helpful.

No it is not. I have been taking care of my. 9 s needs for 7 years since she stopped driving. I moved her to assisted living last year but she got sick and needed more care. Now she in long term care and hates it. The guilt is unbearable. My only brother wants nothing to do with it because his wife hates her so he hasn’t spoke to her since December. I meet with 2 good friends once a week and we have all been through it. We all talk about how we just wished they would go quietly in their sleep. So much. Suffering and since my brother does nothing I have always felt I had to be her everything. Her entertainment, her friend,etc. she was a wonderful mom and always thanks me but I find myself getting jealous of my friend whose mom died quietly in front of her tv. These are natural feelings and I think it’s not because we want them dead we just want it to go away. As my 2 friends whose parents have passed away say, “ this too shall pass” .

I don't think it's wrong. My narcissistic, selfish mother has sucked all the life out of me and I find myself wondering if I'll ever get any peace. She's so miserable that even SHE wants to die- she's constantly telling me how she wishes "everything was over", "If I could just go to sleep and never wake up that would be fine with me!", and "If somebody took a gun and shot me in the head I'd be fine with it!" She makes suicidal threats and comments all the time yet when I get "experts" involved, she convinces them she's "fine" and they send her back home. I'm beginning to think she'll outlive us all. As the saying goes, "Heaven doesn't want her and Hell's afraid she'll take over"!

People who were miserable,unhappy and self-absorbed don't change when they age. Getting old doesn't make them eligible for sainthood. Don't feel guilt for her life long behavior. My mother left me as a baby, took care of her step children and gave them everything. Never visited me ever, I didn't exist until her stepson took their money. Now she's living with me,wants a hand maid and servant. Cares only for herself and her needs. Complains about her ailments from the time she gets up until bedtime it's me me me.
I'll be glad when she's gone. She's never done anything for any of her own children. Just abandoned us to mean drunken abusive father's. She's always been a worthless selfish person.
I will be glad when she's gone and I have no guilt for it.
People who have never given love or respect can't expect to get love and respect from their grown children. That boat sailed long ago.

I feel your pain. I am currently providing care for my 93 year old mother and I have never known her to have a happy day in her life. It is so hard and I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. She is in a senior apartment so between my sister and I we care for her. My sister lives out of town so she may come down for a couple of weeks and then I stay with her. I had to give up my job, which created such a financial burden. I am away from my husband weeks at a time, which is not good for a marriage, I am moving her to my home at the end of the year and she what happens. She can barely walk, have a mild case of dementia, and we have to do everything for her. I feel my life has ended. I understand because my mom is just a shell of herself and I do not like seeing her in this position. She is adamant about not going in a nursing home (because she used to work in one) and we are trying to honor her wishes. She cannot afford an assistance living home, so we are doing the best we can.

I had the same feelings when my mom was very ill. She fought for a long time and then decided that she was done and it was 5 months of watching her slowly decline that was the worst. It’s ok to want their suffering to end. Now my father is declining and making me insane...I would like my suffering to end. All totally normal.

I feel as if our parents got to enjoy their 40s and 50s and now they are enjoying ours. The better care we give the longer this goes on !

It's amazing what parents "expect" from kids , as if we are all supposed to be automatically be their stellar servants and angels for them in their old age... Extreme folly for them to not think ahead. Idiocy to be honest. I am back on meds due to both parents.

I can totally understand. I have 2 parents like that...

I understand how you feel. I think it's normal to feel that way in your position. It's exhausting for you to deal with while comprehending how little control you have over it and how she just doesn't seem to help herself or care to.

To me, it's human and HUMANE to hope for the end of a life that's no longer a life.

Lonely, no way to get them in a facility? Medicaid for nursing home? Memory care? Anything? The drama will only get worse.... what will you do then? Is there a social worker, or dept of aging, or something that can help you? Sounds awful, wish to be able to help....

It just keeps getting worse and worse.

With help from other relatives, my grandfather got regular meals again. However, he completely stopped sleeping at night which would result in things like destroying our basement one night, or flipping furniture. I also have not gotten any sleep because I would constantly have to wake up to show him where the bathroom is, etc. In the span of 2 months, he has had 3 falls, breaking his ribs, busting his head and needing stitches and this last time getting strange rug burns all over his face and head.

My mother had to have surgery and had no help so I had to take off of work to take her, care for her then drive across town to check on my grandparents. After just one day I broke down crying, I was exhuasted and have been for months. She felt bad (as I think she should, but that's another story) and her siblings came to town for the 4th of July holiday which helped some. My mom is better now but still has some pain. However she's still on leave from work which has helped a lot in the last few weeks.

My mother has stayed over here some with me and my grandparents. She took my grandfather to an appt for an MRI which turned into an ER visit for his arm (he hurt it in that last fall). The ER visit turned into a week long hospital stay for pnuemonia, dementia and Lord knows what else (I can't keep up, nor do I want to). He was agitated and fought nurses and had to get restrained. They gave him meds that caused him to shake and stop speaking.

Meanwhile, my grandmother also got worse. She stopped eating altogether and showed signs of depression. My mother took her to her doc and she was admitted, mainly for malnutrition (she was only 100 pounds). Ironically, both grandparents were on the same floor just a few rooms down from each other. That week was sent from God, as I got the house to myself, got to clean/straighten/throw things away and got some much needed sleep.

My grandfather was sent to a rehab facility who did not do anything. Last weekend I was out with friends for a break only for my mom to call in a panic because he was sent to a hospital super far out because they said he was agitated. He was transported back to the rehab, where he did not sleep at all, told old war stories and was still agitated. My mother decided to get him transported to another hospital in the middle of the city, as they have geriatric care specialities. He was transported to this other hospital at 4am that night/morning, and is still there. I've only visited once just to say I've been. Luckily he was sleeping when I got there. Apparently in every place he goes, he calls the nurses by my name. Family thinks it's sweet, I think it's annoying. He's not going back to that rehab place and his things have been collected. My mom and aunt found another rehab which he will go to whenever he's released.

My grandmother lied and said she was fine just to get released to come home. She didn't even try to walk, just dramatically fell on the porch for all to see and my mom and I had to carry her inside. She's been insufferable and hasn't really wanted to try to get up to go to the bathroom, sit in the living area, etc., unless someone else does it. I don't have that special touch, nor do I want it. We have a neighbor who has been an angel and is here almost every day to help her bathe, eat, etc. Her antidepressants were changed and her appetite is back, so is her nagging.

I pray every day that God will take both of them away because I am over it all and grieved several years ago. I was done with my grandmother a couple years back when she told an awful lie involving me, and I was done with my grandfather when he tried to attack me a week or so before his hospital stay. I know they're not the same people, and I just pray every day and every night that God can take them and us out of this misery

I understand this question is about the guilt we feel as caregivers when we wish something for ourselves; which is completion of a seemingly never-ending torrent of need from human beings who are ill, hurting, depressed and self-centered; the frustration for me is not primarily the physical care but trying to keep my dad's hope going, keep him social and engaged. After years of this, when apparently his dementia caused him to be consistently critical of me while praising family members who haven't spoken to him for years, I had enough of that impossible task of "filling his cup" over and over just to dump it in my face. My answer has been to ask God to "fill his cup" and hang in there to make sure he is physically taken care of, watch a movie with him every night, have my kids visit him frequently and employ my husband to take him for drives....but from me, cut and dried care only. He expressed his dissapointment at feeling "unloved" but he WAS loved, is loved, I just CAN'T GIVE MY ALL for years with nothing left for my family and self. Now he is actively dying; I have some grief but mostly relief and a fear he may change his mind (he has expressed a fear of dying and declaration to live as long as possible) and start making demands. Our finances are drained, I haven't been able to work, he lives on a pathetic social security check which they will take back the month of death (which looks like August) so we are borrowing to cover everything. Short answer: YES I have hoped he would die peacefully and I can then start piecing my life back together albeit with a load of guilt for emotionally distancing from him at the end. Prayers and abundant love to ANYONE out there going through this, I hope God "fills your cup" and mine, to overflowing.