My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
I feel bad each time I clean her room I mentally rearrange the furniture for when she is gone. Now how awful is that???!!! I mean for crying out loud. What kind of daughter does that?
Mom has taken over my dining room because she can't do the stairs. I have a breakfast area but I miss my dining room. Just saying that sounds awful! I mean when mom took care of her mom they put on an addition with my uncles money. She also had two other sisters to help. It's just me with my husband and daughter. Well, there I said it all. Thanks for listening. I've erased this several times but I'm not going to this time.
There are stages of COPD. Is she in the last stages yet? Is she on constant oxygen? Death may come faster than you think.
Maybe the hospital will suggest you put your mom in an aging care facility.
The IL/AL you have found sounds lovely, and you say it is affordable too! Change is always scary, but I know that is exactly what I have planned for my own future. My opinion is that most people wait too long to make the change, it is so much better to make the transition when you are young enough and well enough to participate in the process and still independent enough continue to participate in what you enjoy from your former life.
I left her alone today and went out to enjoy some time eating and visiting. Social contact always helps me to feel better. I was never meant to whither away in a fort.
When she got it open she took her finger and wiped the detergent and licked it off. At that point I grabbed it out of her hand. I told her it was detergent. Then without missing a beat she went into the cabinet , took out the marsala cooking wine struggled with the scissors to open the top, wouldn't let me take it away. She got it open and began swigging it from the bottle! My mother doesn't drink ! I tried to get the bottle away from her because she was going to become unsteady and fall. She wouldn't listen to reason. I just held the bottle and stopped her from putting it to her lips. My father came into the room and he took the bottle from her, looking completely puzzled. He has short term memory impairment and won't remember the incident.
That said, my feelings are overwhelming. The situation is haunting, harrowing and horrifying. Will I become like her???? Will my children have to go through this scenario with me
( Heavens no. I will tell them to put me away) .
I understand her Parkinson's and her aortic stenosis. But not this behavior ( unless this is Lewy Body dementia). I can care for any other person's parents easily, but not my own. I never understood how the personal component could affect me. I walk with visions of her behavior every day. It seeps into everything I do because it is so unbelievable and I never thought it would happen. I think we should all switch who we are caring for so I can care for your parent and you can care for mine! At least we can stand farther from the fear and horror of this being us in however many years. We could divorce ourselves from the personal nature of the person we are dealing with. It would be much less painful because we wouldn't have to remember better days ( for those of us who had them).
I, personally, am more curious as to what your impressions are regarding the subsequent posts which point out that nobody can assume just because someone gave birth to you doesn't make them an all loving mother. Some parent-child "relationships" are devoid of an atmosphere where children can have a heart-to-heart with their parent.
Thus, I wouldn't assume that the original poster was self-centered any more than posts of others that set forth just how screwed up parent-child relationships can be through no fault of the child. As a smoker myself, I can sure as hell say that my bad choice is no one's fault but my own.
Generally critical/broad stroke conclusions are what I might expect from someone who has their own unresolved issues.
While my mother wasn't abusive...she was indifferent. And it's that indifference that instilled my own sense of indifference. My mom's quality of life was not mine to control. Her identity revolved around whichever man she was in a relationship with. Now that she's older, alone and in total failing health...There's nothing I CAN do to undo her life choices. No amount of insight, forgiveness or understanding, undoes "you reap what you sow".
Fact is, my mom is miserable, adrift and disengaged...Nothing I can do will give her a new lease on life...Why would I hope she lives a longer life? Is that a nobler or rather a just outcome? Either way, I have no control over that either - but I can hope.
If not, how did that transition feel?
The issue is that my mother is still the same person, likely Borderline Personality Disorder or bipolar, and she is capable of being so incredibly hurtful to me at times. I never know when, exactly, that time will be, but when my mother or father is hurtful to me in the present, it does bring up the old wounds, too. Unfortunately. This is the issue. I cannot start from here and treat them as elders who are moody due to old age, because I've never known them to be different. I want all good things for my mother and my father. I can't do hands on caregiving, and that's due to my mother's inability to be self aware about how hurtful she has been, can be, still is to me... and same with my dad. There's nothing wrong with giving the amount of care that one can. To me, that's actually pretty noble. We do what we can, in spite of anything and everything. But I can't try to make the golden years rosy for my mother because "think of how loving she was to me"... because that's not who my mother was or is. She can cause chaos in my heart/head like no one else.
It's a primal pain you have to limit yourself from or you'll keep getting hurt, deeply hurt. People aren't perfect, so we all try the best we can, and we should never judge anyone else's decisions on what they can and can't take. Anyone who participates in this thread is trying very hard to "do right" by their aging parent. It's a different journey for everyone.
She learned this hateful way from my maternal grandmother, I have no doubt. I'm just sorry that both she and my aunt, her twin sister, couldn't fully break from the pattern of abuse they both endured, and were hurt by, so much in their own youth.
With parents like mine, who needs enemies? :-/ I don't feel sorry for myself but I'd be a complete fool to think they can truly change their ways at this point in their lives. I have to keep a healthy distance for my own sake because despite what their actions have said through the years, I DO matter. My life does matter. I'm entitled to relative peace and pursuit of my own happiness.
:) Not easy to say these things, to talk about the 'dirty details,' but unless you've had parents who do things like this to you, you can't understand what some others deal with, the very best that we can... ya know? Thing is - people think my mother is a relatively nice person, and she is. That's a part of her, too. But I experienced the horrific rage and physical abuse that she can dish out on me, her only daughter. I still struggle to find the boundaries with her, and figure out how to prevent her from being destructive to me in the present while I maintain some type of relationship with her. I don't if it's truly possible to do both -- have the boundaries and have a loving relationship.
If you judge me for needing boundaries with my mother, a safe distance from her or from my abusive father, I would ask that you live my life and see if you can be the angel/saint/martyr that I can't be.